Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.
Today’s book is titled, “My Encounter With Demon Attacks” written by Jonathan Ezeke.
CHAPTER 1: His Encounter With The Kingdom of Darkness
This insane story starts on the 5th of March 2011. Jonathan, a minister in The Lord’s Chosen, returns home to Calabar after a business trip to Lagos. He finds out about a 20-year-old Togolese girl named Veronica who’s just moved into their compound. For some reason, Veronica tells the entire compound that she and all her people back home belong to the marine kingdom. She goes on to tell them that her mother sent her to Nigeria like an African Fresh Prince so the marine kingdom wouldn’t dig their claws deeper in her.
For plot convenience, I believe.
Strange things begin to happen in the compound after Veronica’s arrival. Jonathan believes this is because of Veronica and his suspicions are confirmed when a neighbour catches her summoning demons outside her house at 2 AM. Veronica is taken to a church for prayers by Jonathan and after an hour of flopping about on the floor like a fish and vomiting three spiritual birds, she’s delivered.
This deliverance is what starts the battle between Jonathan and the marine kingdom.
CHAPTER 2: The Plan To Kill His Wife
Jonathan and his wife pull an Angelina Jolie by adopting Veronica and brings her to love with them. Not long after, the marine kingdom fires its first shot. His wife’s business crumbles and all her savings disappear from her room. Veronica – who probably hadn’t been kicked out of the marine kingdom’s Slack channel at this point – informs Jonathan that her former bosses are responsible for the sudden fuckery and that they won’t relent until they get her back. Why? Because she was their queen.
Home girl must’ve been pissed.
Out of nowhere, Veronica gets impregnated by some guy so they send her to live with the boy’s mother for the duration of the pregnancy. By the time she returns, she’s been repossessed by the marine kingdom and is now super dedicated to the cause of fucking Jonathan’s wife up.
So, did they just let her keep living with them while all this was happening?
What in the Poltergeist (1982) is going on here??
If you think this is bad, check out what happens in the next chapter.
CHAPTER 3: Household Enemies
Jonathan stages a deliverance prayer session and in the middle of it, discovers something that leaves him asking when the hell he’s going to catch a fucking break.
According to the second daughter, the marine kingdom placed a tiny old woman in her stomach…..You know what? I don’t even know how to report this. Read it yourself.
CHAPTER 4: The Manifestation Of Demons
Immediately after the deliverance session, Jonathan claims that the Lord opened their spiritual eyes. This led them to see hundreds of demons lounging around their house. Think Dean Koontz’ “Odd Thomas” but with demons instead of ghosts. Jonathan and his family have demons as their housemates for a month until a severe prayer session renders his (ogboni) landlord crippled one day and dead the next. The demons leave. Jonathan thinks everything is over.
CHAPTER 5: The Battle Gets Tougher
In April 2013, the demons return with a vengeance in the form of an old woman. Jonathan’s second daughter is the first to see her and freaks the fuck out. The very next day, the demons strike again in the form of an old man.
I tried to put what happened next in my own words but it’s too batshit to explain so here’s a screenshot:
These descriptions. Girl I…
Anyway, holy ghost fire comes down and kills some of the cat demons. The others who aren’t killed escape. They proceed to give praise to God for the victory when this happens:
This isn’t even the most insane part. Keep reading…
Grace is giving Heimdall (the Norse god) a run for his money because all these things she’s seeing sha. LMAO
When Jonathan’s wife returns home from her shop, he and the kids tell her about the exciting day they had wrestling with demons but she doesn’t believe them and calls Jonathan’s family to tell them that he’s lost his damn mind.
A few days later, Jonathan goes to Lagos for a conference and during this time, his wife dreams a dream about demons whining about architecture.
She replies them with a variation of this, “Piss off! We’re not leaving this house until we decide to!”. She wakes up feeling pretty confident until she looks out of her window and sees a person casting a spell in her direction.
I’m not kidding. That’s how the book ends.
This book is basically a mash-up of every horror movie featuring a family living in a haunted house, which makes it annoying that it’s so fucking bad.
Me after reading this.
Pssssssst! If this article made you laugh (or even let out a breathy chuckle), do the Lord’s work by sharing with your friends or whoever you think is in need of a laugh (or a breathy chuckle).
Check back every Friday for more So You Don’t Have To insanity.
Click here to read other entries in the So You Don’t Have To series.
What’s up, Zikoko Fam? It would mean the world to us if you spared a few minutes to fill this Reader Survey. It’s so we can bring you the content you really want!