The Devil’s Top Secret Weapons Against Humans, According To This Insane Book

August 21, 2020

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today’s book is titled, “The Devil’s Top Secret Weapons Against Christians”

Devilish Secret Weapon Against Christian

The author starts by shaming Christians everywhere who think the devil is foolish. His point is, a being able to convince a large number of angels to join him in a quest to overthrow God is clearly super smart. He says the devil is recruiting people to fill the underworld because it’s the only way he knows to piss God off. Why doesn’t he just challenge God to a supernatural wrestling match and throw hands? This is why:

I love how specific that last line is.

According to the author, every end-time Christian has to be constantly spiritually and physically equipped with the full armour of God. Peep the full armour below.

a christian with full armor of God

I want to cop the Sandals of Readiness because they are fire!

Anyway, we finally get to the point of the book (glorified pamphlet, really) – the list of the devil’s top 3 weapons against Christians – and I have to say that nothing could’ve prepared me for the first thing on the list. Somehow, it felt like a personal attack. Seeing as the author’s name wasn’t in the book, I wanted to tackle the book to the floor and punch it till it stopped moving. But I didn’t, because books can’t feel pain. Do I have anger issues? Maybe. I won’t go to anger management classes though. Because I’m proud. Why am I typing all this? I’m gonna take it out before I hit publish.

Yes, the first thing on the list is food, accompanied by the following picture:

Just fucking @ me next time.

The author claims that many Christians find it difficult to pray after eating insane amounts of…you know what? I want you guys to read this in the author’s own words.

I just…why…what??

He follows this by saying that its impossible to overcome trials and temptations without sacrificing food and sleep.

Ok.

He spends this entire point shitting on people who’ve never read the whole bible because they find it boring but would rather read a magazine full of “love stories”. I wonder if he was referring to Hints & Hearts. This is accompanied by this stock photo:

Do they have to finish it in a year?

Yep. Turns out that all those tweets and memes were eerily prescient and enjoyment is, in fact, going to kill you.

There’s shade hidden somewhere in this mess of a paragraph and we’ll get to that soon. But how do you judge people for missing mid-week church activities because they have to be at work? If they get fired, will you pay their bills?

SHADE!

Shaming people for giving to the needy? Girl, I…

The book ends with this:

Might as well just move into the church, I guess.


Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

You'll like this

Watch

Now on Zikoko

Recommended Quizzes

November 7, 2019

These days, everyone is always talking about how much sex they’re getting, or how little sex they’re getting, or how disgusting sex is etc. There’s just so much talk about sex, it’s almost impossible to know who’s lying and who’s telling the truth. In anticipation of our new series about the sex lives of young […]

What are you like in a relationship?
February 7, 2020

Your taste in music can say a lot about you, and this time, it’s going to reveal what you are like in a relationship. So, pick a few of your favourite Nigerian love songs, and we’ll let you know if you’re typically a distant, passionate or unbothered partner. Here you go:

November 11, 2019

Today, we are going to be using your taste in music to determine how good you actually are in bed. All you need to do is create the ultimate Nigerian hit — from the lead artist to the producer — and we’ll tell you if all your partners leave satisfied, or if you are just […]

More from So You Don't Have To

Watch

Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

December 14, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
November 2, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
October 26, 2020
A collection of videos documenting some of the events of the EndSARS protests.
June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
March 12, 2020
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.
X