Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.
Today’s book is titled, “The Devil’s Top Secret Weapons Against Christians”
The author starts by shaming Christians everywhere who think the devil is foolish. His point is, a being able to convince a large number of angels to join him in a quest to overthrow God is clearly super smart. He says the devil is recruiting people to fill the underworld because it’s the only way he knows to piss God off. Why doesn’t he just challenge God to a supernatural wrestling match and throw hands? This is why:
I love how specific that last line is.
According to the author, every end-time Christian has to be constantly spiritually and physically equipped with the full armour of God. Peep the full armour below.
I want to cop the Sandals of Readiness because they are fire!
Anyway, we finally get to the point of the book (glorified pamphlet, really) – the list of the devil’s top 3 weapons against Christians – and I have to say that nothing could’ve prepared me for the first thing on the list. Somehow, it felt like a personal attack. Seeing as the author’s name wasn’t in the book, I wanted to tackle the book to the floor and punch it till it stopped moving. But I didn’t, because books can’t feel pain. Do I have anger issues? Maybe. I won’t go to anger management classes though. Because I’m proud. Why am I typing all this? I’m gonna take it out before I hit publish.
Yes, the first thing on the list is food, accompanied by the following picture:
Just fucking @ me next time.
The author claims that many Christians find it difficult to pray after eating insane amounts of…you know what? I want you guys to read this in the author’s own words.
I just…why…what??
He follows this by saying that its impossible to overcome trials and temptations without sacrificing food and sleep.
Ok.
He spends this entire point shitting on people who’ve never read the whole bible because they find it boring but would rather read a magazine full of “love stories”. I wonder if he was referring to Hints & Hearts. This is accompanied by this stock photo:
Do they have to finish it in a year?
Yep. Turns out that all those tweets and memes were eerily prescient and enjoyment is, in fact, going to kill you.
There’s shade hidden somewhere in this mess of a paragraph and we’ll get to that soon. But how do you judge people for missing mid-week church activities because they have to be at work? If they get fired, will you pay their bills?
SHADE!
Shaming people for giving to the needy? Girl, I…
The book ends with this:
Might as well just move into the church, I guess.
