I Went Through Popular Illuminati Conspiracy Theories So You Don’t Have To

January 29, 2021

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

The year is 2009. It’s a Saturday afternoon and you’re using the 10MB MTN gave you after loading N100 credit to browse Facebook on your Nokia Xpress Music phone. Rick Dees is counting away the hits on the radio and the song “Judas” by that new pop girl, Lady Gaga, comes on. You’re nodding your head to the beat and singing along when you gasp and stop because you realise that you sang the line that goes:

Now you’re spiralling because according to the guy that runs the VigilantCitzen website, Lady Gaga is an industry pawn sent by Baphomet to collect souls with her music and you’ve pledged your allegiance to him by singing that line.

chineke-god | Zikoko!

Life is fucking awful.


I was on Twitter the other day when I came across this video:

For those who didn’t watch the video because they don’t have data or just don’t like hearing word, the girl in it talks about how superstar singers like Beyonce have sold their soul to the devil to attain fame. Then she proceeds to play Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” played backwards, claims that she could hear some of the following lines in the gibberish:

“Now he made it in. He wish to infest. Living scared. The world will bow to Lucifer. The world will not have fun. The world will bow to me. People’s tears fall.”

This reminded me of when a lot of Nigerians (me included) were OBSESSED with Illuminati conspiracy theories and which artists’ songs could earn you a one-way ticket to the realm of eternal hot girl summer. So I decided to take us all on a cringe-worthy trip down memory lane by listing out the most popular ones.

1) When they said this sign was a fancy way of flashing the number of the beast (666).

I remember how I would froth at the mouth with a mix of fear and excitement whenever any famous person would do this. All because the bastard that put together that wildly inaccurate conspiracy theory video series titled “The Arrivals” claimed that it was a way famous people used to show that they were down with the prince of darkness.

2) When they said we shouldn’t listen to Chris Brown’s “Fallen Angel” because it’s supposedly about Lucifer.

I’m going to leave this one up to you guys. Listen to the lyrics and tell me what you think in the comments.

This isn’t the real video btw. Just a compilation of clips from different Christ Brown videos.

3) When they accused Obama of being the Antichrist.

It was all fun and games until the conspiracy theories surrounding Obama’s citizenship status took a turn for the supernatural and he was accused of hailing from down under (and I don’t mean Australia). This was so popular that if you typed in “Is Obama…” Google would complete it with “…the antichrist” or “reincarnated Adolf Hitler.”

4) When they accused Beyonce of giving birth to the antichrist in 2012.

Blue Ivy hadn’t fully formed in her mother’s womb when some people on the internet began referring to her as the literal spawn of Satan. They cited her mother’s superstar status and the secrecy surrounding her birth as proof.

Blue Ivy is 9 years old now and I can’t wait until she kickstarts the great tribulation and enslaves mankind for 7 years.

5) When they accused Don Jazzy and the entire MAVIN crew of initiating Nigerians into a cult with their 2014 hit song, “Dorobucci.”

“Is Don Jazzy’s Dorobucci An Occultic Song?” – Pulse

I mean, the song was a jam but people using “Doro” as a prefix to everything was annoying as hell. I would totally understand if someone made up this rumour so people would leave the song alone.

6) Finally, when they accused a ton of important people around the world of being humanoid reptilian aliens.

David Icke — the man who originated this conspiracy theory — has been described by many people as a professional theorist.

I don’t have any thing to say about that. I just think it’s fucking hilarious.

Here’s some of the stuff David Icke believes:

I mean, when you take into account the fact that Queen Elizabeth has been alive for 200 years one might wonder if she isn’t secretly related to Dr Curt Connors.


Now that we’ve gotten to the end of this, it’s time for YOU to sit quietly and cringe to death as you remember all the times you tried to tell people, unprovoked, that Rihanna got impregnated by the devil in the music video for “Umbrella” or that the real Beyonce died on the set of “Crazy In Love” and was replaced by Sasha Fierce.

Goodbye.


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