Once upon a time, Astor recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made him turn his recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where he finds batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recaps them for your pleasure.

Hi, my name is Conrad, and I’m a Real Housewives of Lagos addict. I’ve decided to take on the responsibility of recapping all the messy and unhinged content that comes our way at Zikoko. Will I survive this task? Check back next week. 

Let’s get into it. 

After an explosive finale that had us all shook, our favourite Lagos housewives came back to give us some more drama with a reunion to end all reunions. 

Considering the heated fight between besties, Chioma and Caroline, and the social media back and forth between Caroline and Toyin, we were all gagging to see how the reunion would play out. Will people throw hands? Will wigs come flying off? With the Real Housewives of Lagos, anything is possible. 

We first see the housewives pulling up with their glam squad because why not? The reunion host Uti Nwachukwu goes round to greet each housewife in their rooms, reminding them to bring the drama. 

He also reminds Chioma not to pull that lateness bullshit she’s known for because no one has the time. 

With all the housewives seated (minus a noticeably absent Caro/Carolyna/Caroline), Uti gets ready to stir some shit and milk every drop of drama he can get from these women. We stan a chaotic king because last last someone has to pour kerosine on the many fires of this show. 

Uti asks each of the housewives about their experience on the show, and Iyabo tries to convince us that no part of the show was scripted. Ma’am, we weren’t born yesterday. 

Bringing up the elephant not in the room, Uti asks the ladies if they think Caroline will show up and it’s obvious these women don’t give a shit since she’s fought with literally every cast member at this point. Mariam is so unbothered she basically says: 

After a montage of all the good times the women had on the show, Uti wears his chaotic gele and starts the drama by bringing up the fight that started the season,  Chioma and Laura’s “friendship”. Laura admits she overreacted to Chioma saying they weren’t friends and that Chioma is right, because honestly, they’re not  really friends. But this doesn’t stop Laura from attacking Chioma for not having her back against Caroline at the boho party in episode three. 

Leaving that fake friendship unresolved, Uti asks Laura who told her that the other housewives were shading her at the beach house in episode two. At this point, the housewives start acting confused like the whole show doesn’t run on gossip and rumours. 

Laura tries to act like no one told her anything, but as usual, the show’s resident FBI agent

Iyabo Ojo pulls out the receipts, telling everyone that Laura had mentioned to her that Toyin was the NTA reporter that gave her the hot gist. 

But Laura takes out time to let everyone know that she hated Caroline from the beginning and the slap she promised her was based on that hatred, not the beach house gist. She also goes ahead to accuse Toyin of being the one that actually threw the most shade at the beach house. This doesn’t sit well with Toyin who was  consulting with Ifa at the time. 

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Stepping in like a ghost, Caroline finally arrived 19 minutes into the show. Once again, the ladies don’t care for her because Toyin is basically like: 

Uti brings up Chioma’s lateness and Laura’s love for mess and drama. While Chioma owns her latecomer title, Laura pretends like she doesn’t know SHE’S THE DRAMA! 

Mariam’s infamous dinner comes up and Laura blames the alcohol for her behaviour that night, but Iyabo isn’t having it. 

This eventually leads to Laura vs. Caroline + the mysterious governor. Caroline maintains that Laura used to do whokup for money and Laura maintains her innocence. Ladies, sex work is real work. No one cares. 

The main drama starts with Caroline vs. Toyin. Their friendship comes up and Caroline can’t seem to pinpoint when or for how long they were friends. She also tries to convince us that she was 23 in 2013 and no one is believing that shit. 

The two women go ahead to slut shame one another. Toyin accuses Caroline of cheating on her husband and being a wife of Solomon. While Caroline calls Toyin a hooker who’s slept with half of Lagos and maybe Ogun state. Once again, sex work is real work. 

The episode eventually ends with both Caroline and Toyin shouting to the delight of the other women. Going by the preview for next week, we can’t wait for the fight between Toyin and Chioma. Yes, we love drama. 

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