Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.
Today’s book is titled, “How To Build A Successful Marriage With The Power Of The Tongue.”
Let me just say now that the title of this book is wildly deceiving. I saw it and got excited because I thought it was about how the practices of cunnilingus and analingus are out here saving marriages. So imagine my disappointment when I opened it and found out it was written by a misogynistic man spouting marriage advice that puts the task of maintaining marriages on women.
That being said, it’s still garbage, and I like garbage. So I read it (super short book) and I decided to recap it because there are 2 stories in it you absolutely have to hear.
A husband and wife, who have always been #couplegoals, start having problems. Their church elders sit them down and ask why their union has gone bad like neglected egusi soup, and the husband promptly blames the wife. He says that when there’s any misunderstanding between them, his wife talks back to him, a thing he claims has caused him to lose interest in her.
The author takes a break to quote Proverbs 14: 1.
I know you can already tell how this story ends, but please indulge me.
The husband goes on to claim that his wife’s behaviour has led him down the rabbit holes of alcoholism and adultery, even going as far as having sex with random women in their bed WITH HIS WIFE LYING RIGHT THERE.
After the “investigation”, the elders decide that the wife’s inability to hold her tongue is the reason her husband has become an alcoholic philanderer. They tell her to shut the fuck up forever and in time, the man stops being a drunken harlot.
You know, that story was super one-sided. We literally never hear from the wife except when she’s asked to confirm that her husband has indeed been bumping genitals with different women in their house. If you think this story teaches a terrible lesson, keep reading.
A woman rushes into a reverend father’s office and complains that her husband beats her. The reverend father asks her to sit.
When she returns home later that day, her husband starts beating her again. She puts some of the water in her mouth and doesn’t spill or swallow until the beating is over. Over time, the beatings reduce (not stop) so she returns to the reverend father to thank him for the holy water. The reverend father laughs and asks her if she knows why her husband used to beat her so much.
Translation: If you want a successful marriage as a woman, shut the fuck up and never speak again.
After reading those last 2 paragraphs, I was like:
Like I said at the beginning, this book is super short. The kind of thing that people make and share in public. Can you imagine how many impressionable young girls who’ve gotten their hands on this garbage life manual??
Check back every Friday at 6 PM for more So You Don’t Have To insanity.
Click here to read other entries in the So You Don’t Have To series.