Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.
Today’s book is titled, “How To Overcome The Spiritual Dangers Of Sports Betting.”
The book begins with the worst possible definition of sports betting the author could find/put together. He defines it as “the act of consciously risking money or other stakes in the hopes of gaining at someone else’s expense.” He insists that the last part of that definition makes sports betting a sin because it breaks the 8th commandment (Thou shall not steal).
I was still putting together my argument about how it doesn’t qualify as stealing because all the parties involved know the terms and conditions when the author tackled me with the next paragraph.
Apples and Oranges.
The author says that whoever wins a bet is a thief, and whoever loses is guilty of wasting whatever it is they lost (which was given to them by God and pisses him off).
In this chapter, the author lists and explains the things he believes pushes people into the sports betting demonic rabbit hole.
Hmmm. Points were made.
I was expecting this to say that people depressed due to unemployment turn to betting to make ends meet. But excitement? What kind of depressed person thinks gambling will bring them peace?
Whew…the accuracy of this.
Just as it looks like he’s going to end this chapter with a solid point, he goes ahead to say that only people with sinful hearts can be affected by these things.
Translation: If you’re depressed, it’s your own damn fault. You need to do something about your sinful heart.
The author uses this chapter to talk about the steps sports betting addicts need to follow if they want to quit. But first, he narrates his experiences in the betting underworld.
So at some point in his youth, the author gambled harder than a white elderly woman on vacation in Las Vegas with the other residents of her nursing home. His goal at the time was to win a $25,000 jackpot from his sports betting platform of choice, Bet9ja. Despite trying to game the system with tricks and stuff, he was never able to win shit.
Is this how sports betting works? Someone help me out here.
He says that during this time, he was surrounded by bookies who he thought were his dear friends but in hindsight, brainwashed him and kept him trapped in the betting system for their own gain. He casually mentions that most of them have “crumbled” now, which had me like:
Is…is that code for “dead”? Did they die??
He says that his discovery of the tactics used by demons (I just knew he’d involve them somehow) to trap betting addicts was what led him to seek help in the form of a church deliverance. After being freed of his addiction, he dedicated his life to preaching about the dangers of the spiritual prison that is sports betting.
This is Oscar-worthy stuff right here.
The first step to overcoming an addiction to gambling, according to the author, is this:
I gotta say, he has a point.
He says stuff about cutting off all the people in your life who have connections to the betting world and adds that he used to be addicted to English soccer premiership league games, which I thought was super specific but whatever I guess.
Why? Because “you are the first born of God creature and heir to the heavenly throne. Hence don’t assume that the devil is going to fold his hands and allowed you crossed over to that celestial city (heaven) where he was thrown out.”
Translation: Satan will use football to infiltrate and ruin your life.
Sounds exhausting tbh.
The book ends with the other steps for overcoming sports betting.
This sounds like propaganda meant to recruit people for cheap church labour.
Welp. Good luck having any friends.