Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I’ve now decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find books just as batshit as that one and recap them for your pleasure.
Today’s book is titled “Brother Chijioke’s 150 Years In The Kingdom of Darkness.”
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
The author is a 17-year-old boy named Chijioke Onughu. Back in 2016, Chijioke decided to face off with Hannah from 13 Reasons Why to see who could make the most fire mixtapes by recording a long as hell confession about how he served as Lucifer’s right-hand man in hell for 150 years and spent all that time destroying churches. When asked why he was only physically 17 years old, he said it’s because he existed in the kingdom of darkness as a fallen angel before deciding to be born as a human.
Chijioke goes on to contradict his own origin story later on by saying that his mother actually caused his connection to the kingdom by dedicating him to their village goddess when he was still a foetus.
WHICH IS IT?!
MOVING UP THE CORPORATE LADDER OF DARKNESS
Chijioke says his village goddess helped him become super influential in the spirit world. He served her until he graduated to another dark kingdom named the Bama Kingdom. (Like the mayonnaise brand??) In Bama, he was noticed by Lucifer himself for being such a hard worker and got promoted to the highest rank in the spiritual realm (level 888). With this promotion came the power to control local and international demons. He also claims that Lucifer gave him the personal nickname, Hindus and Qeendus.
THE DAMAGE HE DID AS LUCIFER’S RIGHT-HAND MAN
According to Bro Chijioke, level 888’s raison d’être is to destroy Bible-believing churches around the world. And the way Chijioke describes this brings to mind scenes of worshippers doing their thing peacefully only for him and his fellow level 888 agents to burst out of the ground, earth-bender style, wrecking buildings and burying people beneath the rubble.
I was mad disappointed to find out that their job was nowhere near as cool as this. All they did was infiltrate churches and slowly introduce them to sin. However, the one church they had major problems infiltrating was the one that makes all its members dress like a flash mob that’s always ready to break into a choreographed dance number featuring traffic-controlling-style moves.
The Lord’s Chosen.
After multiple failed attempts to sneak into an Imo state branch and wreak havoc, he managed to get the attention of the head pastor of The Lord’s Chosen, Imo State. The day before he was supposed to meet the pastor, Chijioke claimed to have done this:
I can’t be the only one that expected to see The Black Lagoon.
During Chijioke’s showdown with the Imo state Lord’s Chosen pastor, his newly acquired powers failed him. All the demons he called on for help couldn’t come close due to a holy force field or some shit. It was at this moment – alone and abandoned behind enemy lines – that Chijioke decided to confess and be delivered.
EVERYTHING HE SNITCHED ABOUT
I’mma put the rest of this tea into bullet points because shit is hot…and a lot:
- The kingdom of darkness has a sweatshop (I can only assume is full of hell minorities) that makes demonic clothes and accessories.
- If you wore anything called Azonto shoes in 2015, you’re going to hell because it was a product of the kingdom of darkness’ sweatshop.
- Lazarus Muoka is the most powerful person on the planet. To the kingdom of darkness, he’s like the human version of One-Punch Man. Which is funny because they both look alike.
- There is a realm called Second Heaven that’s full of muscular demons. It’s led by the Queen of Heaven who, judging by this one image of her, looks like an anime fairy in a cheap princess dress. According to Bro Chikioke, she always flies around with her coffin and once tried to strike Lazarus Muoka with paralysis. It backfired and she ran.
- Hair attachment, wool, thread etc are tiny snake demons named serpentine by a demon named Utachiginle. Any woman who uses these things on her head is in the FINAL and INTERNATIONAL stage of bondage.
- If you think the men were spared, think again! Hell’s sweatshop made jeans and chinos trousers for men tagged X-FASHION and OXFORD. Wearing these brands means you’ve sold your soul to the BERMUDA TRIANGLE who is also THE DEVIL HIMSELF. (I swear this guy is just pulling stuff out of his ass now.)
- Timberland boots are highly demonic because making one pair requires the sacrifice of SEVEN FUCKING BABIES. One from each continent. I wish I was making this up.
- The sweatshop makes these specific type of high-heeled shoes. When worn by any woman, she ignorantly climbs on top of fornication.
- The phone, Y2 (brand: unspecified), took 36 human lives to make for some reason. Apparently, this phone is online that if you try hard enough, you can chat with the Queen of Heaven herself. Happened to some guy in 2016 according to this fucking book.
The book ends with the most horrifying warning of all. Bro Chijioke apologizes for the millions of lives he destroyed when he was part of discount MI6 from hell. He then says this:
Well, what brand??
WHAT BRAND IS IT, CHIJIOKE?!