Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.
Today’s book is titled, “Confessions Of A Former Church Of Satan Member.”
This book tells the story of a Ghanaian man named Kofi Steven. On the 24th of June 2012, Steven made a confession in which he claimed to have been a member of the church of Satan. He swore to have met Satan in person, sold his soul to him, and drank a baby’s blood to seal the deal.
Seeing this synopsis got me excited because this is exactly the kind of nonsense I live for. Then the wave of excitement passed and I asked myself this question:
Why exactly do I like garbage?
Then I proceeded to read the book. The heart wants what the heart wants, I guess.
The book begins with Kofi talking about how he got entangled in the devil’s web. You see, in his final year at the University of Ghana, Kofi became broke as shit. After failing to get financial aid from his parents, he turned to a friend for help. Kofi was sure this friend would come through because he’d helped Kofi financially in the past. So imagine the disappointment Kofi felt when his friend said this:
If Kofi had seen literally any Nollywood movie about a naïve, broke guy being groomed to join a cult, he would’ve known that at that moment, he was a naïve, broke guy being groomed to join a cult. But I guess he wasn’t a Nollywood fan because his friend initiated him into the church of Satan not long after.
Like the protagonist in Living in Bondage: Breaking Free (the movie the above image is from), Kofi expressed no shock whatsoever when he found out his friend was in a cult. If he did, he didn’t include it in his confession.
Kofi claims that even though he joined the church of Satan in Ghana, his proper initiation took place in the United States. He says that during a meeting with Satan (a meeting during which he drank baby blood), he asked for 3 things:
- To be rich
- To be famous
- To live long.
Then this happened:
After this, his mother saw a vision and figured what he was up to. She confronted him by saying, “My son, please don’t join a cult,” but he replied with something along the lines of, “Fuck you, mother” and proceeded to go deeper into the cult life by somehow joining MORE cults.
OCCULT LIFE FOREVER!
But like every story involving a naïve, broke guy getting into a cult, tragedy struck!
In this chapter, Kofi reveals that he sacrificed his penis (i.e. his ability to have kids) when he joined the cult. He also reveals that after breaking Satan’s rules by eating his mother’s pie (lol), he was given only 49 days to live.
I was like:
But, you know. Whatever.
As further punishment for eating his mother’s pie (lmao), all his businesses began to crumble. His house burned down and he got arrested by the police on suspicion of drug trafficking. Simply put, his life became straight-up diarrhoea.
Seems like there’s no dearth of humour in hell.
Then this happened:
But because he didn’t involve himself in the church’s activities and left before the service ended, the holy spirit returned to whoop his ass, instructing him to return to the church again. And he did, on the day this program was taking place:
After finding out the theme of the program (Time To Recover All), Kofi decided that this was his chance to recover his penis and all the other things Satan took from him.
He pauses the story at this point to drop a warning:
To throw shade:
And to let us know that he’s been watching those New World Order conspiracy theory videos on YouTube:
He also says this:
Then the book ends.
We’re never told if he did die after 49 days or if he ever got his penis back. The book just ends. Honestly, reading this left me as confused and upset as I was after watching the series finale of LOST.
Me, after reading this.
Check back every Friday at 6 PM for more So You Don’t Have To insanity.
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