One thing about us, we love awards’ season. Oscar, Grammys, Emmys, yes, choke us with all of it. While Nigeria has movie awards, they’re still not giving what they’re supposed to be giving.. So we want to see these categories be added to Nigerian movie awards:
1. Most chaotic wig
In Nollywood, wigs are characters all on their own. Back in the day, we watched our faves show up in stiff-ass wigs that channelled everyone from Mufasa in Lion King to Storm in X-Men. With New Nollywood having a battle of the frontals and throwing 13-inch kinky Brazilian wigs on all their characters — even in movies set in the village — it’s only right that we have a category to recognize one of the most versatile and underrated performers in the industry, our wigs.
2. Best Ameritish Accent
Nollywood and accents you can’t trace or identify go hand-in-hand. Back then, Jim Iyke, Hanks Anuku and Regina Askia stressed us with their fake accents. But these days, almost every Nollywood actor has a VPN-acquired accent. Also, is it really a Nollywood film if the lead character didn’t just return from overseas to find love? We refuse to list out the contenders in this category, but they know themselves.
3. Best wedding/burial (or any celebration-type film that requires at least 20 popular actors)
Why did Nollywood discover ensemble comedies and decide that was “it”? Like, after The Wedding Party, it’s like they sent a WhatsApp broadcast and decided to compete to see how many stars they could fit into one film, no matter how chaotic the script or casting might look. A certain studio is known for packing actors in their films like Titus sardines and honestly, they deserve this award.
4. Best shot of the Lekki-Ikoyi Link Bridge
Shoutout to the hardest working actor in Nollywood mehn. Since we can’t nominate individuals, we’ve decided to go with the film that best captured his beauty in glorious HD.
5. Best Instagram/BBNaija influencer-to-actor transition
Nollywood has become the final bus stop for IG influencers and Big Brother Naija alumni. We’re not complaining o, before you drag us. Instead, we’re creating a category to honour the transitions that sort of worked.
6. Best soundtrack
We‘ve missed the days when Nollywood summarised the entire plot of a film using Stanley Okorie’s voice. It saved you the stress of deciding whether or not you actually wanted to see the film. Now, we have songs like “Nneka, obu gini?” from Nneka the Pretty Serpent as major contenders for this award. Don’t lie, that song is catchy AF!
7. Best plot-that-didn’t-even-make-sense
How did a script like Chief Daddy 2pass through a scriptwriter, producers, a director and a container of actors, and no one thought to say, “Ewww, God forbid!” We watch some films and convince ourselves that the people behind them must’ve had their loved ones kidnapped, with the film being a form of ransom payment. Because honestly, why this? That being said, everyone deserves their flowers — even films that give us headaches.
8. Best ghost
Nollywood ghosts are a case for the FBI. When they’re not crossing the street like Omotola in Blood Sisters, they’re walking around drenched in blood carrying crying babies. It’s all very stressful and they deserve a whole category award for all that hard work.