Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.
Before our very eyes, Titus sardine that used to be about ₦350 has jumped to ₦750 and is slowly approaching ₦1,000. What could be the reason for such a drastic increase in price?
Of course, hold Buhari. And more importantly, how does Titus sardine feel about being the newest luxury item?
Today on Interview With, Titus sardine graces us with its expensive presence.
Zikoko: Hello, welcome to Interview With. We are so pleased to have you here.
Titus Sardine: Thank you.
Titus Sardine: First of all, you can’t have me. I am now close to a thousand Naira.
Zikoko: No, that’s not what I meant. I was saying—
Titus Sardine: I completely understand what you mean, dear. I am not a Nigerian sardine. I was born and raised abroad, so English is not a problem for me.
Zikoko: Yes, yes.
Titus Sardine: Very good. Now, what you should have said was, “Thank you for gracing us with your expensive presence.” I could have chosen not to appear here at all. I am not hungry for publicity.
Zikoko: Yes, yes. Thank you for gracing us with your expensive presence.
Titus Sardine: You’re welcome. It’s good to see that we are now on the same page.
Zikoko: Now to our questions. You have been—
Titus Sardine: Goodness me, is this an office or an oven? I’m cooking in this heat!
Zikoko: Sorry oh. We will turn on the AC now. We are trying to ration it. Shebi you know fuel is now expensive.
Titus Sardine: Oh dear. So you turn it on and off at intervals?
Zikoko: Yes. Some days sef, we don’t even turn it on at all. We give our staff plastic hand fans to fan themselves.
Titus Sardine: And does that work?
Zikoko: Not always. But when everywhere is hot, the heads of our writers become hot too, and they are able to produce more crackhead content.
Titus Sardine: Um, chile that sounds like the ghetto. Anyway, I am not a Zikoko writer. Could you please turn on your AC? I don’t want to leave here feeling boiled.
Zikoko: It’s now on.
Titus Sardine: Whew. Let’s hope I feel cooler. So, what were you saying?
Zikoko: You have been the subject of discussion these days. Could you tell us why?
Titus Sardine: I believe it has something to do with the recent increase in my retail price.
Zikoko: How much were you retailing for and how much are you now?
Titus Sardine: You’ll have to ask multiple stores for their individual prices, but a few years ago, I was sold for between ₦250 to ₦350.
Zikoko: And now?
Titus Sardine: I sell for ₦750 naira.
Titus Sardine: And mercy.
Zikoko: That’s almost double the previous price.
Titus Sardine: Yes. It means I am now a bad bitch. I am no longer just a tin of sardine, I am money itself. If anyone walks into the market today and picks me off the shelf to eat me, they are not eating sardine, they are eating money.
Zikoko: Or maybe they are into money rituals, because how can someone pay almost one thousand Naira for three pieces of fish tails inside vegetable oil?
Titus Sardine: Those who know my value will pay for it. Listen, I am now considered a luxury item, and it pleases me. Gone are the days when I’d be on a store shelf competing with other cheap sardines for relevance.
Can you guess what is coming next?
Titus Sardine: Very soon, I will become an investment option. People will no longer buy me to eat, rather, they will buy me to get rich. Think of Bitcoin and other Cryptocurrencies. I too will become Tituscurrency.
Zikoko: Ahan Taye Currency. To the mooooon!
Titus Sardine: I said Tituscurrency, not Taye Currency.
Zikoko: Listen, pride goes before a fall. And the way you are going, you will soon fall.
Titus Sardine: You sound like a Nigerian man who has just been jilted by a bad bitch. Don’t worry, I feel your pain. You want to taste my goodness, but you can’t have it. That must surely hurt.
Zikoko: You and who is hurt? Me, I am just telling you to beg them to reduce your price. Remember, there is frozen Titus fish in the market and it has more uses than you.
Titus Sardine: Well then go for the Titus fish and leave me in peace. Bad Bitches are not for everyone. If Titus fish chooses to give itself to you people at a cheap price, that’s its cup of tea. As for me, there’s no looking back from here. Besides, isn’t one piece of Titus fish now ₦900?
Zikoko: And what’s your point?
Titus Sardine: Oh. If you don’t realise that there is a deeper problem in your country, then it’s not on me. Go fight whoever you need to fight, not me. As for me, I’ll be staying pretty and waiting for those who can afford me to come for me.
[Titus Sardine starts to walks out]
Zikoko: Shior! Go! You are not even that sweet!
Titus Sardine: [Turns back] Surely that can’t be me. I know what I bring to the table. Again, I am a bad bitch. Eat me with bread, put me in spaghetti, or use me for toast and I will still stand out. These other sardines are my sons.
[Titus Sardine flips weave and walks out finally]