If Catwoman Met Her Nigerian In-laws

July 9, 2021

Nigerians parents would rather walk into a crocodile-infested river than spend two minutes in a room with a cat. You now bring a woman, who claims to be a cat, to meet your parents?

Disaster. 

On this episode of #JustImagine, Catwoman meets her Nigerian in-laws and things get very weird.


There is a small crowd in the living room. People are eating, gisting and laughing when Kene and Catwoman walk into the house. Catwoman is dressed in a tight-fitting black spandex suit with a tail. She is also wearing a mask and holding a black whip. Everyone appears a little confused.

Kene: Good Afternoon Papa, Mama.

Kene’s parents: Welcome, my son.

Kene and Catwoman take a seat.

Kene’s father: (adjusts glasses) And who is this?

Kene: The girl I have been telling you about. My girlfriend. Catwoman.

Catwoman: (smiles) MEOW

Everybody: 

Kene’s Father:

Kene’s mother: 

Kene’s aunty:

Kene’s father: You want to marry cat?

Kene: (sigh) She’s not a cat.

Catwoman: (nods) I am not… MEOWW

Kene’s Uncle: Na cat o.

Kene’s mother:

Kene’s father: If I marry cat, will I have born you? 

Kene:

Kene’s aunty, Mama Patrick, whispers to her son.

Mama Patrick: Maybe, that’s why they have not given you visa. Because of this cat.

Patrick: Na true.

Kene: Aunty, Patrick is an armed robber. That’s why they refused his visa.

Patrick: Who say I am an armed robber?

Mama Patrick: You too be hiding your gun now!

Kene’s cousin comes in.

Kene: Nasiru, take my girlfriend’s load inside.

Nasiru: So I can turn to cat?


Kene’s father: Enough! We have seen her, and we will accept her. What do you want to eat my dear?

A rat runs by. Catwoman catches and chews it.

Mama Kene

Papa Kene: And you’re sure you’re not spitting out the Holy Communion they use to give us in church, Kene?

Kene: (sighs)

Kene: Babe, you too stop eating rat now.

Catwoman: Sorry, it was just juicy. Want some?

Mama Kene: (shocked) You are eating asin with her?

Catwoman: My baby likes it.

Mama Kene: They have get my son.

Catwoman: Please ma, sir. I want to be with your son. He is kind, patient and he takes good care of our children…

Kene covers Catwoman’s mouth.

Mama Kene: Children? Whose children?

Papa Kene: Where are these children?

Catwoman removes Kene’s hands and speaks.

Catwoman: MEOW MEOW MEOW

Mama Kene: Who she dey call?

A bunch of cats walk into the house. Everywhere scatters. Mama Patrick a bible from her purse. 

Papa Kene screams loudly over the phone.

Papa Kene: Dibia, be coming o! My son wants to marry cat!

Dibia: Cat?

Papa Kene: Yes o.

Dibia: Cats have shown me pepper. I cannot come. Na dem make I no succeed for life. I no fit do am. Happy Married Life to Kene.


Outside, Catwoman finally calms down and is on the roof with her cats. Kene is persuading her to come down.

Kene: Baby, come down. Nobody will hurt you. 

Mama Kene: And tell her to be going with those cats!

Kene: Mama, they are your grandchildren!

Mama Kene: . . .

At that moment, Mama Patrick’s husband, Papa Patrick, walks into the compound.

Papa Patrick: (screams) What is going on here!

Catwoman: Chief?

Papa Patrick’ eyes budge.

Catwoman: Chief?

Papa Patrick: Which chief? Do I know you?

Catwoman: Are you not the one that has been saying you will change my life?

Mama Patrick: Ehn?

Papa Patrick: I don’t know who you’re talking about.

Catwoman: Didn’t you say you will sell everything you have for me?

Mama Patrick: 

Patrick: Papa, did you sell my Xbox for woman?

Mama Patrick: You are sleeping with cat, Papa Patrick?

Catwoman plays a voice note on her phone and Papa Patrick’s voice comes on.

Baby let me show you the world. I will leave my entire family for you. My wife is not fine like that again. Even her bride price, I want to collect it back. Just let me do one, you won’t regret it. I like how you use to meow.

Mama Patrick: 

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