Just Imagine is a Zikoko weekly series that takes fictional pop culture icons and reimagines them as chaotic Nigerians.
If God gave Nigerian parents clay to make the perfect daughter, they’d mould a God-fearing woman with six children and a husband she diligently submits to.
Now, imagine God ignores their request and, instead, sends them a daughter who isn’t particularly interested in marriage and just wants to fight men all day. Chaos.
Well, because I like chaos, I’ll be turning Wonder Woman into a Nigerian daughter named Uhoma.
Mama Uhoma, a short and rotund cheery-looking woman, dressed in an expensive george wrapper, is coming out of a building. She is surrounded by other women, also fashionably dressed.
Just outside the building is a sign board that reads – ‘Christain Women of God Association’. Mama Uhoma is chatting, laughing and generally having a fun time with the other women.
Mama Uhoma: Mama Gladys, how is your son?
Mama Gladys: He just finished medical school. He will be going to the US in two months to start work.
Mama Uhoma: (waves her hand) Thank you, Jesus!
Mama Gladys: What of your own daughter?
Mama Uhoma: She is in Law School, studying day and night. If you see how she is studying ehn, you will think she is planning to become a judge immedia…
At that moment, the women’s guest pastor, Pastor Mike, is thrown from a building cutting Mama Uhoma short.
He tries to run but Uhoma, dressed in her Wonder Woman costume, jumps from the roof and attacks him. Everyone gasps.
Woman: HA! Pastor Mike!
Mama Gladys: (squints) Mama Uhoma, is that not your daughter?
Mama Uhoma: (temporarily stunned) Eh… Eh…
Mama Uhoma: (yells) UHOMA!
Uhoma: Ah Mama. You’re even here?
Mama Gladys: (judgmental) Is this the law school? Is this the kind of short skirt they wear in Uhoma’s law school?
Mama Uhoma gives Mama Gladys a nasty look and pulls Uhoma towards the car.
Pastor Mike: (points at Uhoma as he struggles to run) Mad woman! Mad woman!! I bind you!
Uhoma tries to attack him but he breaks into a run and enters the building.
Mama Uhoma: (chides) I gave birth to you. You will not be disgracing me up and down.
Uhoma: Mama, let me finish beating him!
Mama Uhoma: Enter the car for me!
Everyone stares at Uhoma as her mother drags her to the car.
Papa and Mama Uhoma are sitting in the living room, staring at Uhoma.
She is standing a small distance away and sulking.
Papa Uhoma: Look at her. Just look at her! Look at the nonsense she is wearing.
Mama Uhoma: If you see the way she disgrace me today. Do you know it is our guest pastor that she threw from a 7-storey building?
Uhoma: Mama, it is a one-storey building and your guest pastor is a thief. Always stealing church money. That’s why you have been building one church for 18 years.
Mama Uhoma: Will you shut up your mouth! When will you settle down and marry? Is it until white hair starts coming out of your father’s head?
Papa Uhoma: Answer her!
Mama Uhoma: Is it until he has stroke??
Papa Uhoma: (stares at Mama Uhoma)
Mama Uhoma: Is it until we choose casket for him??
Papa Uhoma: Choose casket for who?
Mama Uhoma: No, I am just saying if your daughter should continue like this, you will not see her children.
Papa Uhoma: Can’t you use yourself as example?
Mama Uhoma: You know you’re older than me. Is because of you I am doing this thing.
Uhoma: I don’t want to get married.
Mama Uhoma: Ehn??
Papa Uhoma: You lie! You will marry and have children!
Mama Uhoma: DO YOU WANT YOUR FATHER TO DIE EARLY?
Papa Uhoma: (turns to Mama Uhoma) I am warning you.
Papa Uhoma starts to cough.
Mama Uhoma: You see now, you know you have heart problem. Do you want me to lose you? And you know you have not written our will.
Papa Uhoma stares at Uhoma.
Papa Uhoma: You! Go and change! My friend is coming with his son, Thomas.
Uhoma: Which son? To do what?
Mama Uhoma: Will you enter inside and go and change!
Uhoma leaves the living room.
Papa Thomas, a middle-aged serious Igbo man, is sitting on the couch eating some snacks placed before him. His son, dressed in a well-tailored suit, is next to him.
Papa and Mama Uhoma are pleased at how good looking and presentable Thomas looks.
Papa Uhoma: Thomas, it has been so long since I saw you. You have grown so much.
Papa Thomas: (smiles proudly) He is now doing investment.
Papa Uhoma: Very good! You remember my daughter now, Uhoma.
Thomas: Uhh… I am not…
Mama Uhoma: (yells) UHOMA!! Come out and greet Papa Thomas o!
Uhoma comes into the living room.
Uhoma: Good afternoon, Uncle.
Mama Uhoma tugs on her shirt.
Mama Uhoma: Kneel down!
Uhoma reluctantly goes on her knees. Papa Thomas glares at her.
Papa Thomas: Are you not the one that remove A/C from my shop and threw it at people?
Papa Uhoma: Ehn?
Papa Thomas: At Obalende, when she was fighting with agbero!
Thomas: Is that why we don’t have A/C?
Uhoma looks at Thomas.
Uhoma: Thomas? Thomas Ochuka?
Papa Uhoma: Have you beaten him too before?
Uhoma: Are you not the one that scammed people in the US? Didn’t they deport you last year?
Thomas: Maybe the person looks like me.
Uhoma unhooks her lasso of truth and wipes Thomas across his head. Thomas falls on the ground and screams. Papa Thomas is stares in shock.
Mama Uhoma: Chimo!
Uhoma: I say who scammed people in the US?!
Thomas: (wailing) It’s me oh!
Uhoma wipes him again.
Uhoma: Why did they deport you?
Thomas: I entered McDonalds at night to fry dodo because I don’t have oil at home.
Uhoma: (irritated) You don’t hav… And you want to marry?
Uhoma raises her lasso of truth again. Thomas blurts out talking before she brings it down on him.
Thomas: I will confess, don’t wipe me again now.
Uhoma raises a brow.
Thomas: It is also me that carried 5 fowls from the secretariat during NYSC. I wanted to do birthday bash for my babe.
Uhoma: (turns to her father) Papa, you see? This one is a mad man o. Forget the suit he is wearing.
Papa Thomas: (enraged) You people should cage this beast you call a daughter!
Papa Uhoma: Papa Thomas, please, we are very sorry.
Uhoma wipes Papa Thomas with her lasso of truth.
Papa Thomas: I’m attracted to Lion.
Mama Uhoma is on the ground crying.
Mama Uhoma: She has beat everybody that is suppose to marry her!
Uhoma: See Mama, all this crying is not necessary.
A voice is suddenly heard.
Voice: Help! Wonder Woman!
Papa Uhoma: If you cross that door, don’t come back!
Papa Uhoma: (glares)
Uhoma breaks the ceiling and jumps through the roof. Her parents are stunned.
Papa Uhoma: (bends and whispers to Mama Uhoma) And you’re sure it is me you slept with to produce that thing?
Mama Uhoma: (stands with arms akimbo) What’s that supposed to mean?
Papa Uhoma: I am saying we don’t have madness in our side of the family!
Mama Uhoma: So, why is your mummy always locking well early in the morning?
Papa Uhoma: You’re calling your mother-in-law mad?
A man is sitting quite comfortably in a fairly-empty beer parlour eating a bowl of pepper soup and drinking beer.
Man: (nonchalantly) Wonder Woman o!
Uhoma lands in the beer parlour.
Uhoma: I’m here!
Man: Very good. I want to talk to you.
Man: (swallows beer) Do you have boyfriend?
Man: (smiles and picks meat) Because, I want to marry you, asa mpete. (chews goat meat) But it is this your short skirt I don’t like. You will change it. No wife of mine will wear this kain thing outside.
Man: Can you cook?
A young boy comes running.
Young boy: Oga, our generator rope done cut o.
Man: (to Uhoma) Abeg, remove that your rope and give him. Let us use it to start gen.
Man: (smiles widely) So, do you have boyfriend?
Uhoma smiles beautifully.
Man: Eehnehn! This is what I want to see.
TWO MINUTES LATER
The man is crying and washing a huge bowl of clothes. Next to him is an even bigger mound of clothes.
Uhoma is holding her lasso of truth over him as he wails and continues to wash.
Man: (cries) I just say I should toast you!
Check back every Friday by 2pm for new stories in the Just Imagine series.