If The Bridgertons Were Nigerian: A Play

March 5, 2021

Just Imagine is a Zikoko weekly series that takes fictional pop culture icons and reimagines them as chaotic Nigerians. 


Bridgerton, Netflix’s most-watched series, captured our hearts for many reasons. From the set to the story, costumes and actors — especially that Duke that wanted to separate us from our Lion of Judah chastity belt. 

Anyway, while we loved Bridgerton, we decided to make it even better and imagine them as Nigerians. In our version of the story, Daphne and Simon have been renamed Dunni and Siju Owonikoko.


AT THE LOCAL TAILOR’S SHOP

Dunni is at the village tailor’s shop examining her dress for tonight’s party.

Dunni: (picks up the dress) Wetin be dis?

Tailor: Aunty, na your cloth be that oh.

Dunni: (scowls) Why e get three hands?

Tailor: Na your head go enter that place.

Dunni:

Dunni: (turns the dress around) Why the hand no equal?

Tailor: Na ironing go do that part. Wear am first.

Dunni steps into the dress.

Tailor: (smiles) Ehen! See as e stand for your body!

Dunni: E stand?

Tailor: (admires Dunni) Ehn!

Dunni: Why the shoulder pad con dey reach my ear?

Tailor: Na the style wey I see for magazine be that oh.

Dunni: I no dey give you any money until you do am well.

Tailor: You don pay me the one wey you owe me for last month? Abeg, off cloth for me.

A man bursts into the tailor’s shop and quickly locks the door. He bumps into Dunni in the process.

Dunni: Are you mad?!

Tailor: Uncle, wetin happen?

Man: (smooths his agbada) No vex. One person was chasing me.

Tailor: Na my shop you go come dey enter anyhow?

Dunni: (eyes him and turns to the tailor) You go do this cloth again o.

Man: (laughs) Hope this is not what you want to wear to Olori’s party tonight. Because walahi, you cannot see husband.

Dunni: Who put your mouth in this matter?

Tailor: I no go do anything until you pay my money.

Man: How much?

Tailor: N27,500.

Dunni: Kuku carry gun now. (to the man) I am owing her N12,000, but I am not paying because she spoiled  my dress.

Tailor: Abi you no get money?

Man: (looks outside)

Dunni: Are you owing people money? Why are you looking left and right?

Man: Look, I’ll pay for your dress if you will pretend to be my girlfriend at the party.

Dunni: (looks suspiciously) Are you looking for who to kidnap?

Man: Do I look like I want to kidnap you?

Dunni: They usually write it for face?

Man: See, if I pay for your cloth, you don’t have to wear that nonsense to the party and the women in this village will stop chasing me.

Dunni: What’s your name?

Man: Siju, Son of Chief Owonikoko. (adjusts agbada).

Dunni: Who be dat?

Siju: Chief Owonikoko, the village chief.

Dunni: The one that they caught masturbating with cocoa?

Siju: That was 12 years ago, and that is my uncle. My father is Chief Owonikoko, the one with Ilaje tribal marks.

Dunni: Ohhhh Oh! I know him!

Siju: (smiles)

Dunni: The one that did ritual and turned to goat for 2 years.

Siju: (frowns) Do you agree to the deal or you don’t agree?

Dunni stretches her hand to shake his hand but her fabric rips. She turns to the tailor.

Dunni: You know your head is not correct for this cloth that you sew?

NIGHT OF THE PARTY

Dunni steps out of her house wearing a traditional iro and buba. At that moment, the women of the Faworaja household, led by Mr Faworaja, walk towards her.

Dunni starts to walk faster towards her okada.

Mr. Faworaja: Dunni!

Dunni: (walks faster).

Mr. Faworaja: Dunni oh!

They reach Dunni before she reaches her okada.

Dunni: What happen again?

Mr. Faworaja: Help me carry my wife and daughters to the party, abeg.

Dunni: On this okada? where will all of them sit?

Mrs. Faworaja: We can lap.

Dunni: On top where? What happened to your car?

Mr. Faworaja: It is at the mechanic’s place.

Dunni: Abi you used it to play two odd?

Mr. Faworaja: Is forex!

Dunni: (sighs) Everybody can enter.

The Faworajas manage to squeeze on top of the okada and they start to move, but it breaks down two seconds later.

Everyone: …

Dunni: …

Mrs. Faworaja: You don’t have petrol?

Dunni: Please get down from this thing. Everybody get out!

AT THE PARTY

The Olori is sitting and watching everybody dance and socialise. Dunni is a small distance away, admiring a small decorative pot when Siju comes to stand next to her.

Siju: They say they made it like 500 years ago.

Dunni: So that means it will be very expensive.

Siju: Only the Olori can touch it. Do you want to dance?

Dunni nods and they go off dancing.

Dunni: I need to go to the bathroom.

Dunni comes back.

Dunni: I want to be going.

Olori: Who carried my pot here?

Silence.

Olori: Who is the unfortunate person that carried my pot from here?

Dunni: Bye Bye.

Siju: Ahnahn now now? See, let’s help her look for it and sneak into the palace grounds.

Dunni: I have fellowship this night.

Olori: The person that carried that pot will bark until they die.

Dunni: Ehn?

Siju: Come on, let’s go.

Siju gently pulls her and the pot falls from under her wrapper and breaks.

Siju: Where did you put it?

Dunni: (smiles awkwardly) Will I still bark?

DUNNI’S HOUSE

Dunni is sitting on the couch, looking downcast. Mrs. Faworaja is standing next to Dunni’s mother and Eniola, Dunni’s sister, who is pouring her some water.

Mrs. Faworaja: I read on Laide Wobi’s blog that they chased you away from the palace. Is it true?

Dunni: Haven’t they chased you people too?

Mrs. Faworaja admires the house and touches the colourful curtain.

Dunni: Mummy Wa. Leave the curtain, don’t use it to sew cloth.

Mrs. Faworaja drops the curtain. A scuffle is heard outside. Mrs. Feathrington looks outside the window and her eyes widen.

Eniola: EFCC has finally come to pick your husband.

Everyone rushes out to see what is going on except Dunni. Siju enters the house.

Siju: How are you feeling?

Dunni shrugs.

He sits next to her and touches her hand. They look into each other’s eyes and start to kiss. Ajaka, Dunni’s brother, walks in on them kissing.

Ajaka forcefully separates them and punches Siju.

Ajaka: You dey crase?!

Siju: No vex, abeg.

Ajaka: You must marry her or we will fight!

Siju looks at Dunni. Dunni looks back at him.

Siju: Well??? Say something!

Dunni: Well, do you have gun?

THE DAY OF THE DUEL

Ajaka and Siju are both pointing guns at each other. Dunni rides an okada into the venue.

Siju: (heaves a sigh of relief) Thank God you came. I don almost die.

Dunni: (offloads speakers from her okada).

Siju: What is that?

Dunni: (presses play)

Speaker: Ta lo so pe ko po ke?

Ajaka: So you want us to fight?

Dunni: (nods and chews groundnut) I want to see who will first die.

Siju: I will marry.

WEDDING DAY

Siju and Dunni are standing before an alfa. The alfa is reading the vows.

Alfa: Dunni, are you sure you want to marry this man?

Dunni nods.

Alfa: I now pronounce you husband and wife!

The congregation cheers. A collective notification ping is heard and everyone checks their phone. They gasp. Siju checks his phone too.

Siju: (screams) WHAT?

Dunni: What happened?

Siju: Laide Wobi said you’re owing people up to ₦44 Million?

Dunni: Let me check.

Siju shows her the post.

Dunni: Is true.

Siju: What? Why?

Dunni: I booked Wizkid for concert.

Siju: And?

Dunni: It was not Wizkid that came. It was one guy that use Wizkid as profile picture

Siju:

Dunni: And it is 49 Million. I used 5 million to bet.

Siju: Bet on what?

Dunni: Bet that my brother will shoot your leg at that fight.

Siju: Alfa, I want a divorce.

Alfa: We don’t do divorce here.

Another notification comes into the phone and Dunni checks it.

Dunni: What?!!

Siju:

Dunni: You’re impotent?

Siju: It’s not that much.

Dunni: Did they swear for you people?

Siju: Why are you shouting?

Dunni: Alfa, I want the divorce.

Alfa: Then go to court. This is a place of peace.

Dunni: Maybe, we should just be going home.

Siju: Why? Let’s go to court now!

Dunni: I used otapiapia to mix bleaching cream for court staff and they are looking for me.

Alfa: Didn’t you sell cream to me yesterday???

Siju: She sold cream for my mummy too.

Alfa:


Check back every Friday by 2pm for new stories in the Just Imagine series.

Hauwa L

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