If Spiderman Were An Unemployed Nigerian Graduate

May 14, 2021

Just Imagine is a Zikoko weekly series that takes fictional pop culture icons and reimagines them as chaotic Nigerians. 


Spiderman has been seen doing a ton of questionable things on the TL lately — dancing at parties for food, twerking for coins and passing out at nightclubs.

We can’t tell if it’s the economy or he took the wrong covid vaccine, but something is seriously wrong with that man. So, inspired by these shenanigans, we decided to reimagine Spiderman as an unemployed Nigerian graduate.


Spiderman comes out of his small one-room apartment, wearing only his boxers and scratching his stomach. He steps into a messy backyard and walks towards the clothing line.

He takes his spiderman suit off the line and starts to look about, searching for something. He desperately starts to rummage through the clothes on the line.

Spiderman: (shouts) Who carried my mask!? I say who in this compound carried my mask!?

A young woman, Tola, walks past Spiderman and heads for the clothing line where she starts to remove her own clothes.

Spiderman: Sister Tola, who carry my mask for here?

Tola: I dey follow you wear mask?

Spiderman: Wetin I wan wear today now? (shouts) I have interview today o!

Tola: (scrutinises Spiderman) Them knack you jazz? Which one be say na everytime you go dey wear mask? You dey rob?

Spiderman hisses and starts to walk away.

Tola: Heis! Oga!

Spiderman: (turns) Wetin again?

Tola: That pant wey dey your hand. Drop am. 

Spiderman: (laughs nervously) I even hold your pant? I no know o.

Tola snatches her panties and hisses.


A few minutes later, Spiderman steps out of his room into the front yard. He is holding a ClearBag and wearing his Spiderman costume which is 2 sizes too small. 

He leafs through the content of his bag as he chews some groundnut.

The middle-aged landlord sees Spiderman from his verandah and starts shouting.

Landlord: Heis! You this stupid boy!

Spiderman quickens his step to avoid him but the landlord rushes after him and catches up to him.

Landlord: You know you have problem?

Spiderman: Baba Landlord, which one is curse this morning?

Landlord: You must be very stupid. They said you broke our Nepa pole yesterday when you were flying up and down. You know it’s because of you that the Nepa pole in this area remain only 2?

Spiderman: (visibly annoyed) Baba Landlord, that’s how me I usually jump o.

Landlord: Do you see that hole in my roof? Who will repair it?

Landlord points are the dent in the roof and Spiderman follows his finger.

Spiderman: Wo, Landlord! See, I will repair it when I come back from my interview.

Spiderman starts running and swings from a streetlight. The streetlight breaks and Spiderman falls.

Landlord: DID THEY CURSE YOU? WHY CAN’T YOU WALK! DON’T YOU HAVE LEG?

Spiderman picks himself from the ground and swings again. This time he slams into a signboard that reads, “BABA LANDLORD CARWASH”

The landlord gasps for a second and rushes into Spiderman’s apartment. He starts throwing his luggage out of the building.

Spiderman: Baba Landlord! This year has not finish o!

Landlord: Have you paid me for the year before?!

Spiderman: At least, let me finish owing you now!

The landlord continues throwing his luggage out.


Spiderman starts walking down the road with his luggage. He seems to be roaming aimlessly. A scream comes through.

Man’s Voice: Spiderman! Help!

Spiderman: (shouts back) Nobody should disturb me oh! I don’t want to hear my name in anybody’s mouth!

Another voice is heard.

Voice: Spiderman! We are being attacked by unknown gunmen!

Spiderman: (walks in the opposite direction) So they can shoot my leg? 

Spiderman keeps walking with his luggage. A young woman’s voice tears through the air.

Woman: Spiderman!! Help!

Spiderman: They must have sworn for Nigerians. You people are mad?

Woman: It’s about 12 million!

Spiderman stops and turns. He tries to listen again.

Woman: 12 million dollars is at stake!!

Spiderman starts running and swinging from buildings and street lights in a rush.


Spiderman continues swinging through trees in a forested area. The woman continues to shout.

Woman: Spiderman! Hurry!

Spiderman: Wo, you will calm down o! You people didn’t tell me you have bush like this in your area!

Spiderman continues to swing until he reaches a house. He rushes into the house and a young beautiful woman is waiting for him.

Spiderman: (pants) Where is the 12 million dollars?

Woman: Oh thank God you’re here!

Spiderman: I know that one. As in, where is the money?

Woman: The problem is that I did money ritual.

Spiderman:

Woman: I made a deal with some spirits and they said they will give me money. All they want is to flog someone. So, once they flog someone, they will leave the money.

Spiderman: (nods) Ok. Have they now flog you?

Woman: That’s why I called you so they can flog you for me.

Spiderman: Aunty, are you alright? Who are they flogging?

Woman: Are you not supposed to help the citizens of Nigeria?

Spiderman: Your head must be paining you. 

Spiderman starts to leave the house but the woman tries to hold him back. As they struggle, the lights start to flicker and the wind starts howling. They freeze.

A loud piercing shriek starts to come from outside.

Spiderman:

A group of masked short spirits come in with long canes and start to dance. Spiderman starts to cry.

Spiderman: And they told me not to do this work o.

Woman: (pushes Spiderman) This is the offering, my children! He is your daddy!

Spiderman: (crying) Are you mad? Which offering? Is my name Isaac? (to the spirits) Don’t mind her o! I am not your Daddy o. I just even want to be going.

Spiderman tries to leave but the door slams shut.

Spiderman: Heeeiiiiiiii! Jesos Our Saviour!

The spirits continue to dance.

Spiderman: I have job interview, sir. Even now. I am not supposed to be here.

The spirit flogs Spiderman.

Spiderman: Heeeiii! Where did you cut that thing from? Why is it sharp like that?

The spirit flogs him again.

Spirit: Dance!

Spiderman starts wailing as he dances. The spirit continues to flog him and spiderman dances as he cries.

Spirt: Twerk!

Spiderman: I will twerk too?

The spirit flogs him and spiderman bends and pushes his butt out. 

Spirit: Shedi balabala

Spiderman: (crying and twerking) Shedibolobolo!


Spiderman limps as he walks through an empty street. A man dressed in a Santa costume runs up to him.

Santa: Spiderman!

Spiderman turns and glares at him, clearly angry.

Santa: We were going for an event and our tyre burst. 

Spiderman: And me I am vulcanizer?

Santa: Just use your web to patch things for us. Just do some magic.

Spiderman gets angry and wrestles Santa to the ground.

Spiderman: My eye dey red o!

Santa overpowers Spideman and ends up beating him. Santa leaves spiderman on the ground.


THE INTERVIEW

Spiderman rushes into his interview looking obviously disheveled and spent. He takes a seat and the interviewer looks at him curiously.

Spiderman: (laughs nervously) Don’t mind this my look o. I just finish fighting people. You know superhero work is not easy.

Interviewer: Why did you now bring pillow and bucket?

Spiderman: They just gave me quit notice… My landlord is mad. That’s why I really need this job.

Interviewer:

Spiderman: (looks around) If you can even give me this office to be sleeping in. I will appreciate.

Interviewer: Why do you want this job?

Spiderman: You did not see bucket in my hand? My mattress is outside. I say I need this work.

Interviewer: Can we see your CV?

Spiderman: I can tell you with my mouth.

Interviewer: We don’t think you are the right fit. You need to train yourself in the art of job interviews and come back.

Spiderman:

Interviewer:

Spiderman starts spreading a mat on the floor.

Interviewer: What are you doing?

Spiderman: (sits on the mat) I want to be seeing the next candidate so that I can learn this work fast fast. I will now do my interview again. 

Spiderman lies down and uses a wrapper to cover his legs.

Spiderman: I don’t kuku have anywhere I am going.

Spiderman sits up and brings out sachet Dano and Milo. He starts making tea.

Spiderman: Don’t mind me o. I have not eaten morning food.

Interviewer: ….

Spiderman: Are they selling bread around here?


Check back every Friday by 2pm for new stories in the Just Imagine series.

Hauwa L

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