If Nigerians Were In A Quiet Place – The Movie

June 25, 2021

Just Imagine is a Zikoko weekly series that takes fictional pop culture icons and reimagines them as chaotic Nigerians. 

Nigerians in A Quiet Place? LMAO. They wouldn’t last two minutes. 

For the people who haven’t seen the movie – A Quiet Place, the title is really all there is to it. It takes place in a post-apocalyptic world where sounds attract blood hungry monsters. So if you are doing anything and you make a sound, you are dead.

On this episode of JustImagine, we reimagine Nigerians in A Quiet Place.


LAGOS – 2021

It is a cloudy day, and the once rowdy streets of Lagos Island are now deserted. The roadside stores have been abandoned and billboards are peeling and flapping in the wind.

Many buildings are dilapidated and overgrown with weed, and the cars that line the streets are rusty and covered in dust. The entire area is silent. Families all live in silence.

A Yoruba man, Kosoko, steps out into the street. He carefully looks around before he raises a walkie-talkie to his mouth.

Kosoko: (shouting) Elo! ELO! ELO! Werey! Dare! ELO?! Oloshi, where did you go!?

A monster starts to growl and Kosoko looks in the direction of the growl, scared.

Kosoko: I will call y…

The monster runs across and grabs Kosoko.

Kosoko: JESU!

Silence.


BABA IBRO’S COMPOUND

The compound, which holds a number of one-bedroom apartments, is silent.

A bunch of buckets form a queue in front of a dripping tap. A young woman, Kafayah, walks out and sees her bucket tossed out of line.

Kafayah: (enraged) Na who be the idiot wey remove my bucket?!

A monster comes out and snatches her up, but she continues to scream as the monster runs.

Kafayah: I know it is Mummy Julius! Return my bucket now!


THE NEXT DAY

A young man, Tope, is holding a bucket and quietly making his way to the tap in the compound. He reaches the tap but finds out it is padlocked. Tope gently tries to force it open.

Baba Ibro jumps out of his hiding place.

Baba Ibro: (shouting) Spoil my tap oh! Spoil it because you have paid re…

A monster starts to growl and Baba Ibro and Tope break into a run. The monster follows them, but they manage to escape into a room and bolt the gate. They stay silent until the growling stops.

Tope begins to signal with sign language.

Tope: (sign language) Why did you speak?

Baba Ibro: (frowning) Ehn?

Tope signals to Baba Ibro to shut up.

Baba Ibro: (angry) It is your father that will shut up! Is this how you talk to elderly peop…

The monster punches a hole through the roof and pulls Baba Ibro out as he screams.


Tope, petrified, silently comes out of the shop where he was hiding. He sees a fellow tenant, Baba Kolade, carefully putting up a canopy and arranging chairs.

Tope looks very confused, but his confusion heightens when he sees a group of Yoruba women with high geles clutching coolers of food as they enter into the compound. 

Tope walks up to Baba Kolade and begins to communicate with sign language.

Tope: (signals) Are you having a party?

Baba Kolade nods and signals that his wife just had a baby. At that moment, Iya Kolade, dressed in a glittering lace material, silently dances out. Tope is stunned.

The guests smile at her and nod their heads, approvingly. Ofada rice, wrapped in leaves, start to go round. A man, smiling proudly, enters the party with a cow. Everyone hails him silently.

Cow: Moooo

They all freeze for a few seconds but nothing happens. Out of nowhere, a man stands.

Man: I just want to say there is no meat in this food oh!

A woman retorts.

Woman: Meat has finished. Eat it like that!

Man: But you can hide fried meat in your bag! Abi you think I didn’t see it?! Go and kill the cow they brought.

Another man shouts.

Man 2: And, us we didn’t see souvenir here oh!

Someone connects the speaker and Wasiu Ayinde Barrister starts to play. A male guest bursts a move and is promptly snatched up by a monster. 

Everything descends into chaos as people run helter-skelter. Tope hides under a car.


A man walks in with a pipe to empty the soakaway. His assistant walks into the compound with him.

Tope: (signals) What are you doing?

Assistant: We will pack shit abi we will not pack shit?

Man: (to his assistant) Your mouth is too loud!

Tope: (signals) There are monsters everywhere!

Assistant: They use to shit abi they don’t use to shit?

Man: That’s why your soakaway use to quick and full! Your money is 17,000 today!

Tope:

A monster growls and snatches them up.

A curtain opens and a man peeps through. A woman comes to peep along with him.

Woman: (whispers) Dem don chop soakaway man?

Man: Dem no remain bone sef.

Woman: I wan shit o.


A few hours later, everything is calm again and Tope crawls out from underneath the car. He breathes a sigh of relief and starts walking to his apartment.

A young man named Tochi and a band holding trumpets, a cake and a throw pillow enter into the compound. Tope’s eyes widen. Before he can say anything, the band starts to blow trumpets.

Tochi: (shouts) Julie baby!! Happy Birthday to my Queen!

Tope stares in confusion. Julie’s second boyfriend comes to the balcony and screams.

Julie’s boyfriend: If you don’t get out! She has husband!

Tochi: (to the band) Blow!

The band starts to play a new tune. A monster growls.

Tochi: Dem don dey come o! Run oh!

The entire band scatters and they start to run.

Julie’s boyfriend: You for no run now! You for…

A monster snatches him up and runs away with him.

Just then, another tenant comes out with a generator and is preparing to switch it on. Tope runs to him.

Tope: (signals) Are you crazy?

Tenant: It will not make noise, I want to watch BBN. (grins) They said Dorathy did bad things.

Tope’s eyes widen as if to say “and so”?

Tenant: As in, Dorathy. (he mimics a fellatio)

Tope does not react. The tenant pushes Tope away and pulls the gen multiple times, but it does not work. The sound attracts the monsters again.

Tenant: (To Tope) You get oil?

Tope:

The monster snatches the tenant and runs.


TOPE’S APARTMENT

Tope silently walks into his apartment. His family is sitting around a table. His mother stares at him as he walks in. He raises his brow to ask what the problem is.

His mum points at his sister and signs something. He still does not understand.

Tope’s mother: (screams) Your sister say she does not want to marry or born!

Tope’s eyes widen.

Tope’s mother: It shock you too abi?

Tope: (angry) Is everybody mad?!! WHY IS EVERYONE STILL TALKING AND SHOUTING!!

Tope’s mother: (shocked) You’re shouting at your mother?

She slaps him across the head before the monster snatches Tope.

Silence.

Tope’s mother: (crying) Now see your brother has died because you don’t want to marry.

Check back every Friday by 2pm for new stories in the Just Imagine series.

Hauwa L

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