Just Imagine is a Zikoko weekly series that takes fictional pop culture icons and reimagines them as chaotic Nigerians.
We don’t have light in Nigeria, so there’s no way a Nigerian version of Captain America would have been built in a mega laboratory. Who will be fueling gen?
So, for this episode of #JustImagine, we decided to import Captain America. Would he survive in Nigeria for a day?
The date is June 6, 2021. Captain America is sitting in a large boardroom overlooking the White House. A young man is standing behind him.
A hologram flickers to life and a man appears.
Man: You are needed in Nigeria for a highly-confidential duty. Jack there will give you your flight details. Good luck.
Captain America stands and salutes.
June 7, 2021. 5 A.M.
Captain America lands in Murtala Mohammed Airport, Lagos Nigeria. The airport is dark, dingy and noisy. Ubong, a disgruntled sleep-deprived immigration officer screams.
Ubong: NEXT!
Captain America confidently walks forward and Ubong frowns.
Ubong: This one that you’re walking like it’s you that is Buhari.
Captain America: Sorry about that, mate. Lovely country here.
Ubong: (yawns) Give me passport and visa.
Captain America hands him the required documents.
Ubong: (studies the document) Did you do Covid test?
Captain America: (grins) I can’t fall sick. Don’t worry.
Ubong: Is that what I ask you?
Captain America: No, I didn’t.
Ubong points to the left.
Ubong: Pass that side…. NEXT!
Captain America looks to the left and sees a long queue.
Captain America: Look, I need a faster route. I am on a mission.
Ubong: (scrutinises him) You have dollar there?
Captain America hands him some wads of dollars and Ubong stands.
Ubong: Follow me.
TOILET – June 7, 2021 7 A.M.
Captain America is laying on the floor, unconscious. Ubong is looking at him fearfully. A woman, Justina enters.
Justina: Why you call me, wetin appun?
Ubong points at Captain America on the floor.
Justina: Wetin you give am?
Ubong raises a syringe.
Ubong: Covid injection.
Justina: From where?
Ubong: Oshodi, under bridge.
Justina squints at the syringe.
Justina: No be abortion injection be that?
Ubong: say na lie.
Justina: Dem dey sell covid vaccine for underbridge? Na doctor dey sell am?
Ubong: He wear white coat.
Justina: Moturary attendant too dey wear white coat.
Ubong:
Ubong: Oya, epp me wake am.
Justina:
June 7, 2021 – 2 PM
Captain America is lying unconscious in a wheelbarrow, on a pile of refuse. A man slowly moves closer to him.
The man crouches next to Captain America. He removes Captain America’s shoes and tucks them under his armpit.
Man: (to himself) This one will be ₦2,500.
He proceeds to remove a knife from his bag and starts cutting through Captain America’s clothes. Captain America wakes up and holds his hand.
Man: Hay! You never die?
Captain America: Who sent you?
Man: Ehn?
Captain America: What are you doing?
Man: Nothing o. I want to remove something.
Captain America: What?
Man: Small kidney.
Captain America pushes him away.
Man: Is not like I want to sell it o…. I just want to use it for work.
Captain America: Where do you work?!
Man: …
Captain America grabs him by the collar.
Man: Okija shrine, sir.
June 7, 2021 – 2:30PM
Captain America is walking down the street. An okadaman zooms past an old woman and snatches her phone.
Old Woman: My phone o!
Captain America notices this and hauls a Mountain of Fire bus at the thief. The bus slams into the thief, stopping him. The bus also knocks down a nepa pole. The pole falls on a nearby betting stall.
A pastor rushes out of a church.
Pastor: Who fling our church bus?! Hold this bag for me. I say who fling our bus!
A middle-aged man shouts.
Man: Who is the mad man that spoilt our nepa pole?
Captain America: There was a robbery!
Man: And what concern nepa pole?
A young woman stares at the demolished betting stall.
Young woman: Hei! My shop!
The old woman walks up to the thief and retrieves her phone.
Old Woman: (to Captain America) You sef, your gra gra is too much.
Captain America: I caught the thief.
Young Woman: Is this one mad? Won’t you repair the shop?!
Just then, a couple of gunshots are heard and Captain America sees a young man running. Captain America chases after him, climbing on different yellow buses.
He jumps down from a bridge and lands on a car. The driver of the car shouts.
Driver: Did they swear for you?!
Captain America: Sorry!
Captain America swings from a nepa pole, knocking it down again. The middle-aged man from earlier screams.
Man: Hope you know that’s where I wanted to tap light from?!
Captain America eventually catches the shooter and knocks him down.
Captain America: Why are you shooting? Who do you work for?
The Shooter: Shoot? Is banger I am throwing.
The shooter raises a stick of knockout. Captain America realises his mistake and everyone looks at him in anger.
Man: You see that what is doing you is madness?
Police Station
June 7, 2021 – 5:27PM
Captain America is sitting across from a policeman. His hands are handcuffed.
Policeman: You’re the one that throw church bus abi?
Captain America: In order to stop a crime… You are welcome.
Policeman:
Policeman: Why did you spoil nepa pole too?
Captain America: I thought someone was shooting.
Policeman:
Captain America: (stands and breaks his handcuffs) I don’t have time for all this.
Policeman: If you move, I shoot.
Captain America takes his gun and bends it.
Policeman: …
Captain America: …
Policeman: …
Captain America: Is there any other thing?
Policeman: Nothing sir.
Captain America starts to walk out.
Policeman: Ehm, you usually do America visa lottery for people, abi?
Captain America walks out.
June 7, 2021 – 6:30PM
Captain America is walking down the road. He sees a woman frying Akara by the roadside and runs to her.
Akara Seller: How much akara you wan buy, Oyinbo?
Captain America: Is that my shield you’re using to fry stuff?
Akara Seller: Pot wey I buy for Aswani?
Captain America: Give me that shield right now!
Akara Seller: If you no vamoose, I go pour you hot water.
A man enters the conversation.
Man: Baba I dey sell DSTV dish, you fit use am.
Captain America:
June 7, 2021 – 9:00 PM
Captain America is sitting in the living room of a mansion. He is totally spent and tired. Dino Melaye walks into the house.
Dino: Captain America! Why did you come late now!
Captain America: There was a slight delay. Please brief me about the mission.
Dino: Good. Is birthday we want to do.
Captain America: …
Dino: We want you to perform. All those things you use to do inside film, do it here.
Captain America: You told me to come so I can perform at a party?
Dino: APC people brought Spiderman, and I want to show them that I am bigger than them.
Captain America: What?!
Dino: Why are you shouting? Didn’t I pay you people?
Captain America: We thought you wanted us to fight bad guys.
Dino: Yes, you will help me to beat someone from APC.
Captain: Huh?
Dino: (whispers) Adams Oshiomole.
Captain America: …
Dino: Hold this camera, I quickly want to do something for internet.
Dino gives Capatain America the phone and starts to sing.
Dino: Ajekun Iya ni o je….
