If Bill Gates And Melinda Were A Nigerian Couple

May 7, 2021

Twitter went berserk this week after billionaire, Bill Gates and his wife, Melinda, called off their 27-year-marriage. Although the divorce appears amicable, we know a Nigerian divorce between billionaires would have been chaotic. 

So on this episode of #JustImagine, we created two fictional characters: Belu and Mide. 


Belu’s Ikoyi Mansion.

Belu is hiding in his locked room while Mide screams in the living room. Mide continues to cause a ruckus as Belu shakily dials his mother’s number.

Belu: Hello Mama, Mide is doing like a bull-dog oh!

Mide shatters a plate and kicks the door.

Mide: You better open this door before I break it!

Belu: (shouts) You will leave my house today!

Mide slams a lamp into the door and Belu cowers.


Mama Belu and his uncle, Uncle Uzor, are sitting in a disorganised living room. There’s a bottle of water in front of Uncle Uzor.

Mide and Belu are seated far apart. They stare at each other in anger. Uncle Uzor stares at the upturned furniture and torn curtains.

Silence.

Uncle Uzor: Who is the mad person that bite the curtain?

Mide hisses and looks away.

Uncle Uzor: Before we start any reconciliation, first bring food.

Mide

Mide: You want to eat?

Uncle Uzor: Is it only water I will drink? Stop looking at me like a witch and enter that kitchen and bring out Fufu and snail.

Mide leaves the parlour.

Uncle Uzor: Ehnen! That’s how a wife should behave!

Mide comes back in and breaks a ceramic plate on Uncle Uzor’s head from behind.

Uncle Uzor: (slumps)

Mama Belu: The head of our family?

Mide: Which useless family?

Mama Belu: Uncle Uzor oh!

Mide: You cannot ask your son what he did?

Mama Belu: (arms akimbo) What did he do that man has not done before? Is not not small belle he gave someone?

Mide: Small belle??

Mide grabs a can of Baygon and sprays her mother-in-law.

Mama Belu: YEH!

Belu: Do you want to kill my mother???

Mama Belu: This is why he is always looking outside!

Mide: My lawyer will soon come! I am taking this house in the divorce!

Mama Belu: You lie! I have called my pastor to chase you out.

Doorbell rings.


Woli Arole walks in with a junior woli. The junior woli starts to sprinkle holy water everywhere and Woli Arole enters into the spirit.

Woli: The devil has no place here!

Belu: Yes! Amen!

Woli: Oya everybody kneel down!

Everyone kneels except Mide.

Woli: Won’t you kneel down?

Mide: You want me to pour hot water on your head?

Woli starts to pray.

Woli: Brother Belu! God say you should sow seed! Sow seed before he can chase the devil out!

Belu’s mum nods enthusiatically.

Woli: (closes his eyes and shakes) Hmmmm! It is petrol station that God want!

Belu:

Belu: God wants to be selling petrol? For who? Angel Michael?

Woli: If you don’t have that one (turns around and dances) God can collect container, but for your prayer to really reach heaven, it is petrol station.

Mide: (frowns) Is like you’re mad.

Woli: We want the one at Ikoyi.

Mide: The petrol station I want to collect in the divorce?

Belu’s mum: Can’t you behave yourself in the presence of God’s prophet??

Mide: Which stupid prophet? Customer of the month at strip club?

Woli: You usually do see me?

Belu: How do you know Woli is their customer if you don’t use to go there?!

Mama Belu: My son must leave you this witch!

Mide: I already know you people are mad. That’s why it’s Babalawo that mixed your covid vaccine.

Woli moves closer.

Woli: Mama? Is it the vaccine you donated to our church abi another one?


Woli’s phone starts to ring. He picks up.

Caller: (over the phone) Woli!!

Woli: Yes, what? I am busy now!

Caller: It’s Alagba Michael?

Woli: What happened to him?

Caller: We gave him vaccine and now, he has turn to cat oh. 

Woli: The person owing me ₦250?

Caller: And Brother John is outside eating grass.

Woli: That one is not bad. Just take him inside.

Caller: You don’t understand. I’ve sent you his picture.

Woli Arole checks his phone.

Woli: Why did you send me goat?

Caller: That’s brother John.

Caller: I have sent you another picture.

Woli: Who is this one?

Caller: We don’t know if that’s deaconess or sister Flora.

Woli: The person I am toasting?

Caller: Our choir members are also on the tree oh!

Choir members:

Woli hangs up and kneels down.

Woli: Sister Mide, abeg. I use my white cloth to beg you. Goat cannot pay tithe. Help us change them back.

Doorbell rings.


Lawyer Kunle walks into the house with his briefcase. He sees the commotion.

Lawyer Kunle: Is this a good time?

Uncle Uzor starts to wake.

Mide: Sit down jare, Lawyer!

Uncle Uzor: (to himself) It’s like they are ringing breaktime bell in my head.

Mide places a bowl of hot Amala before Lawyer Kunle.

Uncle Uzor: (rubs head) So you have food at home and you break plate on my head?

Mide hisses.

Lawyer Kunle: According to the law, Mide is entitled to half Belu’s properties.

Mama Belu: Because of what? What will we now collect?

Lawyer Kunle: The only way she won’t get anything is if you can prove that she is cheating.

Belu: I can prove it!

Mide: Prove which nonsense?

Belu snatches Mide’s phone and dials a number.

Belu: This is the man she is always talking to!

Junior woli’s phone starts to ring.

Mama Belu: Woli!

Mide: And you nko?

Mide snatches his phone and dials a number. Woli Arole’s phone starts to ring.

Pastor: (raises phone) It is Cubana that is calling me to supply drinks.

Lawyer Kunle’s phone starts to vibrate.

Mide: 

Mama Belu:

Belu:

Lawyer Kunle: Is only one time.

Mide snatches the food from his front.

Uncle Uzor: (tries to stand) At least, give me that one to eat.

Mide: (hisses) You better don’t stand up. The posion I put in your water will soon start working.

Uncle Uzor: 

Woli Arole starts to leave the house.

Mide: Heis! Oga! Remove the laptop you carried!

Woli:

Mide: I say remove it from your bag!

Woli: You know no tithe for me this May? So I want to open cybercafe.

Mide snatches the laptop.


Two weeks later.

Uncle Uzor wakes up at Lagos State refuse dump without his clothes and is utterly confused.


Mama Belu’s House.

Uncle Uzor walks into the house. Mama Belu is eating from a bowl of amala and soup.

Uncle Uzor: Nobody looked for me?

Mama Belu: (licks fingers) Ah, Uncle Uzor. They said you were inside coma.

Uncle Uzor: On top of refuse dump.

Mama Belu: (tears meat and chews) Ehn, you know there is no bed at general again.

Uncle Uzor: So refuse dump is the next thing?

Mama Belu: Don’t be angry. At least, my God has brought you back.

Uncle Uzor: I went to my house, they said Mide seized it. 

Mama Belu: She took it in the divorce too. She’s using it for isolation center.

Uncle Uzor:

Mama Belu: Woli!!!

Woli rushes out in an apron.

Mama Belu: Go and cover the hole you dug in the backyard.

Uncle Uzor: Hole for what?

Mama Belu: (chew shaki noisily) Let’s just be thanking God that you are here.

Uncle Uzor: Hole for what???

Hauwa L

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