3 Nigerian Adverts On TV Right Now That Are Just Somehow

July 11, 2019

Nigerian adverts have always been strange. I just assumed that the advertising industry would eventually catch up to modern day standards (like our movie industry). But if these ads I saw yesterday are any indication, I was terribly wrong.

1) Amstel Malta’s “We Got Balls” ad

Amstel Malta ran an ad campaign to celebrate the Super Falcons ahead of their involvement in the 2019 FIFA Women’s World Cup. The campaign, hilariously tagged “We Got Balls“, began with a television ad that truly felt like a Malaria-induced fever dream.

The ad begins with four celebrities (Dakore Egbuson-Akande, Tonto Dike, Linda Ejiofor–Suleiman, and Tiwa Savage) hanging out and having a few laughs at what looks like an empty bar. They are wildly overdressed for a girls’ night out but we’ll get to that later. A mysterious person slides a can of Amstel Malta down the bar to the ladies. The mysterious person is revealed to be Big Brother Naija star and fake eyelash enthusiast, Cee C, looking like the victim of a badly done facelift.

How long had she been there? No one knows.

The other girls beckon for Cee C to join them and she does. A few moments later, five members of the Super Falcons team appear out of thin air, dressed in evening dresses and high heel shoes that they’re clearly uncomfortable in. Both groups stare at each other awkwardly for a few seconds before one of the football players snaps her fingers, magically changing her team’s dresses into their Nigerian football jerseys and boots. What follows is a series of reaction shots you just have to see to believe.

Tonto Dike (A WOMAN WHOSE JOB IT IS TO ACT) reacting to the footballers’ clothes changing before their eyes.
Cee C unenthusiastically inviting the footballers over to join them.
The footballers rejoicing (at varying energy levels) about finally getting a seat at the table.
Isn’t this the saddest high five you’ve ever seen?

Just when you think the ad is about to end, this guy shows up:

Nollywood actor, Enyinna Nwigwe, in a fucking leather beret.

The girls look at him like:

And he responds by doing this:

Which makes the girls go:

Then the ad ends.

What even was the point of this? If the ad was to celebrate the footballers, why are the showbiz celebrities in it? What was the significance of Eyinna Nwigwe appearing at the end? You can tell that Amstel was going for a feminist thing here but succeeded in passing no message at all.

2) Gulder “Own Your Journey” ad

Gulder started this campaign in (what they described as) an attempt to “encourage people to own their journey to success and be the best version of themselves as they journey through life.”

The ad starts with a guy who’s trying to start a furniture business and goes to talk to his uncle about his plans. When he’s finished, his uncle basically tells him this:

Our protagonist isn’t discouraged, though, and orders two bottles of Gulder while telling his uncle not to worry.

We skip to our main man meeting a friend of his at a bar in “the big city.” He tells his friend about his business plans and the friend basically tells him this:

Our protagonist seems pretty confident about his chances and tells his friend to sit back and watch. He then orders two bottles of Gulder on his friend’s tab.

Such a douchey thing to do.

We skip again to our main man and his single employee in the space that they hope will become their warehouse. The employee expresses concern that getting customers in the area they’re in could prove difficult. Our protagonist dismisses his employee’s fears with a wave of the hand and two cans of Gulder.

If you’re sensing a pattern in this story, you’re not alone.

Fast-forward a few years into the future and our protagonist’s furniture business is super successful. He’s being interviewed at a big event when he’s asked what he would say to all the people who said his business wouldn’t make it. If you’ve been paying attention, you can probably guess what he responds with:

All I got from this ad is that the main guy’s family & friends are trash and that he has a drinking problem.

3) Pure Bliss

This ad just shows random people in different locations throwing CGI Pure Bliss packets of biscuit to each other and losing their minds after taking one bite.

There’s this girl who was chilling in her garden.

This woman who was at work.

This student coming out of a lecture theatre.

It’s wild how none of the people around even bats an eye as he’s doing his Elvis Presley dance impersonation.

This stranded couple.

This housewife doing laundry.

And finally, this group of friends I think were Netflix and chilling.

All I got from this is that Pure Bliss is crack.

Astor George

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