The Beginner’s Guide To Becoming A Nigerian Bouncer


December 2, 2019

There are a lot of power-drunk people in Nigeria, with bouncers ranking very high up on that list. To be fair, you’d be power-drunk too if you were built like a trailer and had the ability to stop anyone from entering somewhere they really want to be.

So, if you want that kind of power, here’s the guide to becoming a bouncer:

Have muscles on top of your muscles

As a Nigerian bouncer, you’re going to need to be about 70% more jacked than absolutely necessary. If your thumb doesn’t have a six-pack, then you’re not working out nearly enough. Brush your teeth with steroids if you have to, just make sure your muscles have muscles.

Wear the tightest shirt imaginable

The mandatory uniform for a Nigerian bouncer is a shirt that’s so tight it’s essentially cutting off circulation to your brain. Remember: If people can’t see every single vein through your shirt, they won’t know you can throw them out with a flick of your giant wrists.

Disrespect women

As a Nigerian bouncer, you can’t have any regard for women. If they arrive without any man accompanying them, then they are obviously ashewos and you have to bounce them. Then when they do come with a man, you only acknowledge his existence.

Have a face as strong as your body

You need your entire face to look like it lifts weights too. To be the very best bouncer, you have to aggressively frown, especially when people are just arriving. Your face will eventually have to soften, particularly when you want to start begging for money.

“Your boy dey here oh”

This is the line you use when you have finally softened your strong face and you’re ready to start obtaining everyone that walks by. It also serves as a reminder that you’ll most likely still be there if they return, so they better behave if they ever want to enter again.

Use your discretion without regard

Your discretion is basically your superpower. Depending on how you wield it, you could either become a superhero or a supervillain, and the latter is the preferred option. When you’re feeling extra evil, you can even decide to allow only half of a group in, while you bounce the others.

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