The Complete Guide To Being A Social Climber In Nigeria

January 28, 2016

1. Be proactive. Once someone important gets engaged or gives birth, start sniffing out your invitation.

There’s no time to waste. Before the hall they booked gets full and you descend into the full extent of ‘Mogbo Moya’.

2. If you can’t get an invitation, then invite yourself.

Drastic situations call for drastic measures.

3. Dress like you were actually invited.

Wear the Agbada like you’re a friend of the celebrant, or wear that gown and almost upstage the bride. It’s your day too.

4. Make sure you appear in all the pictures.

If your picture doesn’t make it to Linda Ikeji, Aso Ebi Bella or Instablognaija, were you really there?

5. Live Snapchat from the event, because further proof. The longer the better.

Don’t forget the aim here is to confirm to everyone that you really belong.

6. Find your ladder.

Pick a struggle ladder. Your ladder might be weddings, music videos, music concerts, tweeting at celebs like you’re buddies etc.

7. Be a loyalist to the people at the top of that ladder.

Be their groupie till you’re their mate. Fake it till you make it.

8. Be unduly active on every social network.

The frequency of you posting across all social networks should be at least once every 30 minutes. You wouldn’t want the followers you bought to forget or underrate your presence and importance.

9. Name drop anywhere and anyhow.

Friend: I have four kids. Prospective social climber: The Ooni of Ife also likes the number 4. I heard him telling Wizkid and Lil Kesh about this. OR Friend: Could you pass the salt? Prospective social climber: Davido likes salt too, Sina Rambo told me. Frankly, it doesn’t have to make sense.

10. Have a fellow social climber friend or relative.

You need someone to hold the ladder for you. You should do it all together. Two heads are regularly better than one.

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