1. First of all you have to pick a Twitter. You have intellectual, economist, feminist, life coach, relationship advisor, political, LWKMD, football Twitter etc.

Just pick one. Or you might be relegated to one.

2. If you decide to go with intellectual Twitter, you need a proper grasp of the art of faking depth plus or minus several dozen ‘isms’.

Google is always your friend.

3. You need an indepth knowledge of Twitter vocabulary and syntax.

This is not a drill. Wyd if you don’t know what ‘wyd’ means?

4. There are only five topics that Nigerian Twitter recycles – feminism, women cooking, men paying for cab, rape and money.

Know these topics well, or know how to be fake deep.

5. Don’t laugh too much when someone is getting trolled. Your time will come.

It is guaranteed.

6. ​When someone that’s being trolled calls you for defense, don’t respond.​

It’s a slippery slope from there to the Trailer Jam Show.

7. Learn to ignore. Many will tweet stupid things, but you should try to remain Christ-like.

All you can do is pray.

8. Your comeback game must be 100.

If someone tests you and you cannot return the favor, everyone will begin to come for you. Easy target.

9. Always join the correct (faux) outrage train. Know which side to be on.

Look for the side with the most heavyweights (cool people) and join them.

10. And when they’re insulting the person with the difference of opinion, mildly join in too. Not enough to stand out though.

Light insults.

11. Realize that everyone is rich on Twitter and hide your struggle well.

It’s only on Twitter that we look down on hire purchases.

12. Twitter is where everyone is an expert at everything, so have an opinion on anything and everything.

Tweet about tech, stocks and smart stuff. Even if your wisdom is off the back of a trailer.

13. When a topic that you’re ACTUALLY an expert at comes up, please flourish.

Loud it! You might not get that chance again.

14. When your tweet that was suppose to bang, doesn’t bang. Delete it and try again.

Don’t give up.

15. Your follower to following ratio should not exceed 3:1 at every point in time.

If not, you lose cool points.

16. Tweet about how disgusting SubDeliveryMan is. But stalk his TL religiously because you cannot lag behind on gist.

Double standards. I know, right?

17. When you want to steal tweets, steal tweets from like a million timelines away.

Plagiarism checker Twitter is not a myth.

18. And lastly, when you want to lie on Twitter, make it believable.

Twitter does not like false dodo. You will never live it down.


Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.