Within a few weeks, the price of [redacted] noodles has doubled by over 100% in the Nigerian market. Like everyone else, Zikoko wanted to get to the root of the sudden price increase, so we invited Noodles for an interview.

[Noodles walks into the Zikoko office, looking slightly annoyed.]

Zikoko: Ah, welcome. You look good. It’s so wonderful to have you here.

[Redacted] Noodles: Please, let’s cut to the chase. I’m a very busy person these days. I only honoured your invitation so it won’t be like I’m now proud because my level has changed. Maybe you can even benefit small from my good fortune. You’ve been complaining about inflation too much. How do they say it sef? We rise by lifting others, abi?


[Noodles’ phone rings.]

[Redacted] Noodles: Hello? I’ve told you; if they can’t pay ₦30k for that carton, bring it back. Their eyes will clear when the price increases to ₦50k next tomorrow. Rubbish.

Noodles hangs up the call.

[Redacted] Noodles: Ehen, you were saying?

Zikoko: I can see you’re very busy, so I’ll just ask the question on everybody’s mind. Why are you so expensive these days? You used to roll with Garri, but no one can look at your face again. What happened?

[Redacted] Noodles: Thank you very much for that question. Now, let me ask you. Don’t you like progress?

Zikoko: I don’t get.

[Redacted] Noodles: See, the thing is all of you don’t know how to value people. When I was down to the level of the common man, you people took every opportunity to insult me.

Zikoko: Insult as how? We never did that.

[Redacted] Noodles: So I’m lying? Were you not there when some people tried to give me a name that my manufacturers didn’t give me? Accusing me of causing cancer? All because I was cheap and the only thing you people could afford to eat three times a day?

Zikoko: Ahan. Are you broke-shaming us now?

[Redacted] Noodles: Don’t interrupt me, please. Or were you not there when one SAN called me “ordinary [redacted]” because some people in the government were hoarding me during the pandemic? Me, ordinary?

Zikoko: But there was context…

[Redacted] Noodles: Carry your context and throw it inside the pit your economy is in. As for me, it is my time to enjoy the recognition I deserve. I mean, why did everyone think it was okay to associate me with sapa and struggle? I’m now a meal for ballers, and you need to start putting respect on my name. At this point, I can even start competing with that fraud called Creamy Pasta.

Zikoko: From where to where? Calm down. Pride goes before a fall o.

[Redacted] Noodles: It’s you that will fall down. Did you call me here to insult me? What does Creamy Pasta have that I don’t have? Don’t worry, it will happen in front of your eyes. Lagos restaurants will soon start adding me to their menus and charging you ₦40k for a taste. I can’t wait. I’ve left the trenches and don’t intend to return there.

Zikoko: Is that why you’re increasing in price every day? Because you don’t want to return to the trenches?

[Redacted] Noodles: Why are you trying to put the blame on me? Is there no inflation in your side? Or you don’t know how much a dollar is? See, I‘m just keeping up with the times and finally charging my worth. Stop being an enemy of progress. 

Zikoko: So, there’s no chance that your prices will come down at all?

[Redacted] Noodles Had it been I know you now, I’d give you a dirty slap. You want me to go back to my days of little beginnings after God has uplifted me? If it’s a joke, stop it.

Zikoko: So you don’t care about the masses?

[Redacted] Noodles: Please, what’s my own with the masses? I’m now for the bourgeoisie, and I like it like that. Maybe you people will think twice before belittling someone again. 

[Noodles’ phone rings again]

See, I really need to go. The people who can afford me are looking for me. But can I leave you with some advice?

Zikoko: Yes?

[Redacted] Noodles: See that Garri you mentioned earlier? You better start greeting her “Celeb, celeb” whenever you see her. Trusted sources tell me she’s thinking about changing her price again and charging her worth, too.

Zikoko: Ah. Why na?

[Redacted] Noodles: Be asking me JAMB question when you should be facing your government. I’m out of here, abeg. You people don’t even have light in your office.

NEXT READ: Interview With NEPA: “The National Grid Is Resting. You Should Too.”



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