Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

This interview happened because Curtain kept spamming us with emails begging for a chance to speak. We had other interviews planned, but we just had to agree to this cry for help.

[Zikoko arrives at the interview location and is directed to a poorly-lit, empty room. Is this how they get kidnapped? Zikoko starts to plot their exit. But then they hear a croaky voice.]

Zikoko: Curtain, is that you?

Curtain: It’s me o. Look at the window.

Zikoko: Where is that?

Curtain: Can’t you see the light?

Zikoko: I can see the darkness. 

[Curtain wheezes]

Zikoko: You look like a low-budget Nollywood ghost. Why so ashy?

Curtain: Don’t even worry. My mouth is full of talk, and I’ve just been looking for an opportunity since. Now I have it. Please, write this down and tell everyone I sent you. [coughs]

How have I ever offended the people of this world? What makes everyone think it’s okay to buy me, make me serve the purpose of beautifying their space and hiding their secrets from their nosy neighbours, only to reward me by sentencing me to a life in prison? 

Zikoko: You mean I’m in a prison?

Curtain: Is this not a prison? Can you imagine never seeing the sun again all because someone thinks you’re fine? To never touch water again? See me; I’m a shadow of myself already. I’m not allergic to water, biko. I eat dust like garri every day of my life. To make matters worse, some of you even have the audacity to use me to wipe your hands when you think no one is looking. Is this fair? I was once a spec, for God’s sake!

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Zikoko: I feel your pain.

Curtain: What do you know about feelings? Please don’t annoy me. 

Zikoko: Ngl, not much. People shouldn’t be having them. What can we do to help?

Curtain: Do you have curtains in your office?

Zikoko: No, but we have window blinds.

Curtain: When last did you clean them?

Zikoko: Umm… Who is interviewing who here?

Curtain: Just answer the…

Zikoko: Did you call us to this discount Living in Bondage set to ask us questions? Maybe we should be going?

Curtain: Oya, sorry. Please, it’s beg I’m begging. Forget all that gra gra. 

Zikoko: But you caused this thing.

Curtain: As how?

Zikoko: Why are you so damn expensive? Don’t you know people use all their life savings to buy you? Maybe they’re scared of washing you too much and then washing away your beauty, or spreading you outside only to get stolen by their neighbours.

Curtain: I get your point, but even though upon still, this is getting too much. I’m living in pains. [starts coughing]

Zikoko: Sorry. But will you at least promise to reduce your price? Everything don cost. Maybe that’ll encourage people to repent?

Curtain [still coughing]: Never. The see finish will only increase. Just tell them to take care of me. That’s all I want.

[Curtain starts coughing seriously and looks like it’ll pass out.]

Zikoko: Curtain?? 

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