Interview With Curtain: “I’m Not Allergic to Water”

September 20, 2022

Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

This interview happened because Curtain kept spamming us with emails begging for a chance to speak. We had other interviews planned, but we just had to agree to this cry for help.

[Zikoko arrives at the interview location and is directed to a poorly-lit, empty room. Is this how they get kidnapped? Zikoko starts to plot their exit. But then they hear a croaky voice.]

Zikoko: Curtain, is that you?

Curtain: It’s me o. Look at the window.

Zikoko: Where is that?

Curtain: Can’t you see the light?

Zikoko: I can see the darkness. 

[Curtain wheezes]

Zikoko: You look like a low-budget Nollywood ghost. Why so ashy?

Curtain: Don’t even worry. My mouth is full of talk, and I’ve just been looking for an opportunity since. Now I have it. Please, write this down and tell everyone I sent you. [coughs]

How have I ever offended the people of this world? What makes everyone think it’s okay to buy me, make me serve the purpose of beautifying their space and hiding their secrets from their nosy neighbours, only to reward me by sentencing me to a life in prison? 

Zikoko: You mean I’m in a prison?

Curtain: Is this not a prison? Can you imagine never seeing the sun again all because someone thinks you’re fine? To never touch water again? See me; I’m a shadow of myself already. I’m not allergic to water, biko. I eat dust like garri every day of my life. To make matters worse, some of you even have the audacity to use me to wipe your hands when you think no one is looking. Is this fair? I was once a spec, for God’s sake!


RELATED: Interview With Vibrator: “Please Go Outside and Touch Grass”


Zikoko: I feel your pain.

Curtain: What do you know about feelings? Please don’t annoy me. 

Zikoko: Ngl, not much. People shouldn’t be having them. What can we do to help?

Curtain: Do you have curtains in your office?

Zikoko: No, but we have window blinds.

Curtain: When last did you clean them?

Zikoko: Umm… Who is interviewing who here?

Curtain: Just answer the…

Zikoko: Did you call us to this discount Living in Bondage set to ask us questions? Maybe we should be going?

Curtain: Oya, sorry. Please, it’s beg I’m begging. Forget all that gra gra. 

Zikoko: But you caused this thing.

Curtain: As how?

Zikoko: Why are you so damn expensive? Don’t you know people use all their life savings to buy you? Maybe they’re scared of washing you too much and then washing away your beauty, or spreading you outside only to get stolen by their neighbours.

Curtain: I get your point, but even though upon still, this is getting too much. I’m living in pains. [starts coughing]

Zikoko: Sorry. But will you at least promise to reduce your price? Everything don cost. Maybe that’ll encourage people to repent?

Curtain [still coughing]: Never. The see finish will only increase. Just tell them to take care of me. That’s all I want.

[Curtain starts coughing seriously and looks like it’ll pass out.]

Zikoko: Curtain?? 


READ NEXT: Interview With Dollar: “I’m Too Sexy for This World”

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

You'll like this

January 8, 2020

Sis, it’s only been 8 days! The book of revelations is a part of the bible I very much like to pretend doesn’t exist. I breathe, live and work in Nigeria and that’s more than enough horror for one person to handle. But if I had to summarise its contents, it’s a lot of doom, […]

Watch

Now on Zikoko

Recommended Quizzes

December 11, 2019

In the past month, we’ve made quizzes that guessed the last time you had sex, how many people you’ve slept with, and just how good you are in bed. For our latest attempt, we will use your taste in Nigerian music from the 2010s to ascertain what you’re like in bed. Take to find out:

April 3, 2020

While the rest of the world loves to treat our continent like a country, there are actually 54 African countries. So, in a bid to test your knowledge (and educate you), we’ve created a quiz to see how many of their capitals you can correctly name. Go ahead:

More from Inside Life

Watch

Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

September 13, 2022
Vs The World is a Zikoko original video series that follows best friends Astor and Hassan as they take on the world.
August 23, 2022
Zikoko Ships is a Zikoko Original series where we invite two people who share a relationship to play the Zikoko card games
December 14, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
November 2, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
October 26, 2020
A collection of videos documenting some of the events of the EndSARS protests.
June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.
X