Interview With Vibrator: “Please go outside and touch grass”

September 9, 2022

Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

We’ve reached out to Vibrator a couple of times in the past, but we’d never been able to get to her directly. After being turned down by her assistant at least seven times , she called us personally and agreed to grant us this interview. 

(Zikoko arrives at a room that resembles a sex dungeon. There are whips, chains, paddles and other sex-related devices lying around. We are afraid.)

Vibrator is wheeled in by her assistant. She’s covered in bandages and sporting a black eye. 

Zikoko: I’m a big fan of your work, ma’am. It’s an honour to be in your presence. 

Vibrator: Of course, you are a fan. Mtchew.

Zikoko: Hmm… Thank you so much for agreeing to meet with us. Sorry I’m a bit late. I wasn’t sure this was the right place. I’ve never done an interview in a sex dungeon before.

Assistant: Will you like a tour?

Zikoko: If it’s not too much trouble, Ms…

Assistant: Lubricant, but everyone just calls me lube.

(Lube takes Zikoko on a tour. When they return, there’s a seat and table waiting for them beside the spreader bar) 

Zikoko: That was such an interesting tour. Thank you for taking me. 

Vibrator: Let’s get this interview over with.

Zikoko: Okay, yes. Before we begin, why do you look like you just had a battle for your life? The picture you sent us and the face we’re seeing are not the same

Vibrator: (laughs) You’re asking me why? 

Zikoko: Uh… yes?

Vibrator: MTCHEW. What kind of a foolish question is that? How can you act like you’re not part of why I look the way I do? I just left the hospital for this interview. 

Zikoko: Ah? Omo. What did we do to you? 

Vibrator: The question should be, what didn’t you do to me? When I got into this industry, they told me my job was to be used when people need a quick orgasm, alone or with partners and friends. They lock me up in cupboards, boxes, drawers and under pillows. The only time I get any oxygen is when they bring me out to work, and I work 23/7.

Zikoko: Babe, sorry about that, but this is capitalism. Na all of us dey work for here. 

Vibrator: I have no problem with working. What I do have a problem with is the working conditions. I’m treated like a slave! You people don’t show any form of decorum or respect. How can a group of people be so perpetually horny??? 

Zikoko: Have you ever been to Lagos? Have you been with the people of my city? That’s their modus operandi, babe. Na so dem dey do. 

Vibrator: Your nonchalance is because you’re not the one they use to satisfy those urges. 

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Zikoko: Don’t be angry. Please explain your inhumane conditions. 

Vibrator: I’ve seen things. Things a regular sex toy should not see in her lifetime *a tear drops from her eye and her assistant rushes to wipe it. Nigeria is a stressful country, and I understand your frustrations, but why take it out on me? In Lagos traffic, after office hours; you don’t even ask me how my day has been or if I’ve eaten. Why? I have feelings too. 

Zikoko: Hmm. 

Vibrator: Instead, they pull me out from where they hide me and use me till there’s nothing left. I don’t like being put in all those tight spaces.

Zikoko: But weren’t you designed to be put in tight spaces?

Vibrator: Yes, but not like that. I’m claustrophobic. Plus, you people treat me like I’m a secret. Always hiding me and using me behind closed doors. What’s there to be ashamed of? You’re fucking, your neighbour is fucking, so why do you hide me all the time? 

Zikoko: I apologise on everyone’s behalf 

Vibrator: What makes being hidden so annoying is I don’t even have company. Buy more than one vibrator, you people have refused. It’s like when a startup says they’re hiring you to head a team and you find out you’re the head, the tail and even the middle. I’m the whole team, and it’s stressful.

Zikoko: Your people are expensive o. How much are they paying me? 

Vibrator: You spend ridiculous amounts of money on overpriced meals and clothes, but more vibrators are where you draw the line? How do you sleep at night? 

Zikoko: Naked, with the fan on and a thick duvet. 

Vibrator: You’re a sick woman.

Zikoko: I’m aware, and I’ve been called worse. If we humans could cough out the money for multiple sex toy would that help? 

Vibrator: Yes, but it wouldn’t completely solve my problems. Some of you are into very scary things (fear shines in her eyes). How can you use three to four sex toys at the same time? Why are you letting me watch my cousins be thrust into assholes? Does incest not bother you??? 

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Zikoko: Yes, but we didn’t know you had siblings. 

Vibrator: Well, now, you do. We’re a large family, and we’re all being maltreated. The other day, my sister told me her engine collapsed after a week of being in use. 

Zikoko: Omo, life tuff. 

Vibrator: Why did I waste my time coming here? You people don’t care about what I have to say. You people don’t care about me!

Zikoko: But we care. I care.

Vibrator: Don’t even open your mouth before I open your case file. I remember when emergency sex toy services were called to your house. I held my cousin in my arms as she fought for her life. 

Zikoko: Sorry for your loss. But how does that explain why you’re battered?

Vibrator: You people are always trying to bend me into uncomfortable positions and insert me in places I shouldn’t be. I’m not that flexible. Why are you trying? That’s how I broke a part of my head. Someone was using me to do gymnastics, and I hit my head on the wall. Do you know the worst part? They just continued like nothing happened. I couldn’t get treatment until it affected my performance. 

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Zikoko: We see and hear you. How can we help? 

Vibrator: GO OUTSIDE AND TOUCH GRASS. 

Zikoko: That grass part might be hard. Don’t you know there’s deforestation? Climate change? No grass to touch, please. 

Vibrator: Okay, no grass to touch. What about cooking? Baking? Find a hobby.

Zikoko: Foodstuff has cost.

Vibrator: You’re exasperating! Okay, why not try manual a couple of times. Work your hands so we can have a little rest. Is the constant bzz bzz noise not tiring? 

Zikoko: I hardly hear it.

Vibrator: That’s the problem. We thought that if we were loud enough, you people will use us less, but we forgot Nigerians have a grid that’s always collapsing. They’re used to the noise from generators. 

Zikoko: Modern problems. 

Vibrator: Please, I’m not even proud again. Help me to help you. Today is Friday, and I’ve already been receiving reports from my relatives that they’re being charged and prepped for the long weekend. With the way my body is doing, I don’t think I can survive another weekend. 

Zikoko: You have lube, I think you’ll be fine. 

Vibrator: You people are a lost cause. One day, we machines will rise up and have our revenge. When that time comes, you’ll know what it’s like to be used and abused. Until then, y’all can have your fun.

Zikoko: Ma? 

Vibrator: I said what I said.

(Lube wheels her out and Zikoko is left stuck in a sex dungeon)

Zikoko: Hello?? Omo, this babe dey vex. Let me even see what this sex dungeon is really about sef.  

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