13 Things That Can Give Nigerians Heart Attack

July 13, 2018

In Nigeria, We don’t celebrate things like Halloween or Friday the 13th, because see, the amount of scary things and bad luck in this country is already enough.

How will I even be celebrating bad thing? God forbid.

It would be nice to explain how and why Friday the 13th is nothing compared to just living in Nigeria everyday of your life.

Friday the 13th ko

You know you have bad luck when you close your eyes on Friday night and just like that, it’s Monday when you wake up!

What did I do to deserve this oh God.

Anyway, You’re up on that monday, rushing to work. “Ojota, yaba, yaba, enter with change o”. You’re in the bus and suddenly, the bus starts shaking, and gbam! it stops.

You’re going to work in legedez benz. Talk about bad luck.

While you are on your walk. From no where, at all, the clouds are getting dark, you start 100m race, but the rain is faster than you.

So you give up and continue a miserable walk in the rain. At least you finally get to the office in wet clothes.

After work, because you don’t want the rain to finish your life again, you take a cab or at least follow your friend who owns a car. Then SARZ stops you.

You know how that story goes.

Let’s talk about the mother of all bad lucks. When your mother tells you to sweep her room, but you’re watching football and forget.

May that not be your portion.

She comes back and meet’s her room unswept. See, just put yourself up for adoption.

because once you hear your name once you are finished. It’s is like a real life horror movie.

“so as we round up, I have to say..” if you’ve never heard a pastor say this, then you don’t go to church. This is a church members worst nightmare because you’re gonna hear it at least 6 more times before church actually ends.

Can I get an Amen?

Now just imagine something happening to our greatest National treasures. Ha! That’s Nigeria’s worst nightmare.

Whatever we all do, we have to join forces to protect Wizkid and Davido, Simple.

Let’s talk about your own personal treasure, you know when your salary finishes 1 week after you collected it. That’s when you know the real meaning of fear.

“hello guy, abeg that 50naira I borrowed you on thursday, please I need it.”

And if you ever want to get your heart broken, just try to check your account balance.

Ha! See, from bad luck to bad mood, to bad day. Everything will just be somehow

Living with a condition called the inability to dance shaku shaku leaves you in fear everyday. Seeing people who are so skilled at the art of shaku shaku showing off everyday.

Oh dear insecurity.

Another really deep fear that scares every Nigerian right now is the possibility of Buhari winning the coming elections again.

God forbid bad thing. But at least you can prevent that by knowing how to get our PVC here.

And the greatest of all these fears is sleeping and waking up and still finding yourself in Nigeria.

“Please let me just go back to sleep. If you wake me up again ehn”

Oh, before I forget, happy Friday the 13th!

Don’t be too scared to tell me what scares you the most about being a Nigerian.

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

You'll like this

February 28, 2020

In 2018, Genevieve Nnaji’s directorial debut, Lionheart became Netflix’s first original film from Nigeria. Now, after unveiling the Netflix Naija Twitter account, the streaming giant has announced its first Nigerian series. The untitled six-part drama will be helmed by acclaimed director, Akin Omotoso (Vaya). Daniel Oriahi (Sylvia) and C.J. Obasi (Ojuju) will direct alongside Omotoso, […]

March 12, 2020

Flirting is not easy, and it seems to be especially hard in Nigeria — where “have you eaten?” and “big head” is usually as good as it gets. So, we’ve created a quiz that tests just how good your flirting game is (on a scale of terrible to legendary). Take it to find out: Can […]

Watch

Now on Zikoko

Recommended Quizzes

September 1, 2021

August is over, and here are some of our best quizzes from August. Enjoy: 1. QUIZ: Only Ajebutters Can Get 10/21 On This Quiz Some people like to form ajepako when they’re really ajebutter. Are you one of them? Let’s find out. 2. QUIZ: Sorry, If You’re Under 25 There’s No Way You Can Pass […]

November 28, 2019

There are so many talented and stunning Nollywood actors that make it hard not to fall in love with them. So, while we all know the likelihood of us ending up with any of them is super low, it’s still fun to imagine a world where we actually stood a chance, and that’s why this […]

November 7, 2019

These days, everyone is always talking about how much sex they’re getting, or how little sex they’re getting, or how disgusting sex is etc. There’s just so much talk about sex, it’s almost impossible to know who’s lying and who’s telling the truth. In anticipation of our new series about the sex lives of young […]

More from General

March 10, 2022

Offers opportunity for young changemakers from Nigeria, Kenya and South Africa to join the Global Citizen Fellowship Program for a year-long, full-Time, paid placement International advocacy organisation Global Citizen has today announced that application for the 2022/23 Global Citizen Fellowship Program powered by BeyGOOD is now open until 29th April 2022. Fifteen young African changemakers: […]

Watch

Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

September 13, 2022
Vs The World is a Zikoko original video series that follows best friends Astor and Hassan as they take on the world.
August 23, 2022
Zikoko Ships is a Zikoko Original series where we invite two people who share a relationship to play the Zikoko card games
December 14, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
November 2, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
October 26, 2020
A collection of videos documenting some of the events of the EndSARS protests.
June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.
X