“A blind date is a social engagement between two people who have not previously met, usually arranged by a mutual acquaintance.”
The amazing thing about a blind date is how it can either be the best decision a person has ever made (both parties click) or it can end up being a worse decision than breaching Imhotep’s burial chamber and opening his cursed chest.
With that in mind, we asked 4 people to tell us their worst blind dating horror stories, and boy, y’all are in for a treat. Let’s get into it:
“I can’t say her name and can’t say her tribe either (because I don’t want to perpetuate a stereotype) so I’m just going to talk about my experience. Remember that scene in the movie, White Chicks, where Terry Crews takes one of the girls on a date and she eats everything like she’s trying to gross him out? That’s exactly what this girl did. She inhaled all the food like a hyena on death row, stuffing the parts she was too full to eat in her purse. I could see the waitstaff shoot me pitiful glances. Also, my name is Felix (pronounced ‘phoe-lix’) but she called me ‘feh-lix’ the entire night. Needless to say, I blocked her with the quickness as soon as the date ended.”
“Look, I’ve seen the romantic comedies where the guy walks the girl home after their first date and they kiss after which she invites him in for tea or whatever. Sadly, I don’t live in the screenplay for Will Smith’s 2005 movie, Hitch. This is real life and women get murdered for doing stupid shit like that. I made the mistake of mentioning to a guy I went on a movie date with that I lived a walkable distance away from the cinema. After the movie – during which he ate popcorn noisily and refused to share – I told him ‘bye’ and turned to leave when he said he wanted to walk me home. I asked why. He said he wanted to know where I live so he could come over whenever! I calmly said ‘ok’ and told him I needed to pee first. I escaped through the toilet window.”
“This incident really upset me because it was the first date I’d been on in months that had actually gone well. We had similar tastes in movies & music and were both obsessed with Egyptian mythology. I was ready to go back to his place and get some much-needed sexing when a small baggie of what looked a lot like cocaine fell out of his back pocket as he retrieved his wallet to pay for dinner. I looked at. He looked at it. The waiter looked at it. The waiter and I both looked at him. He rushed to pick it up. I began calling my Uber to go home.”
“Look, I’m pretty open-minded. It’s 2020 and I strongly believe that two (or more) consenting adults should be allowed to do whatever they enjoy. But I’m pretty sure you’d have a problem getting through your dinner too if your date was explaining, in graphic detail, how anal clamps work. For thirty minutes, she went on a rant about different sex contraptions. It was after she attempted to show me a picture of an anal clamp in action that I screamed and told her that I didn’t think both of us would be a good fit. I paid for dinner and ran.”
Tell us your worst blind horror story.
Also, we made a new show named Blind Date in which we sent a bunch of single people on an all-expense-paid date, interviewing them before and after they met. The first episode drops February 14 (Valentine’s Day) on our YouTube channel.