7 Small Physical Pains That Can Make Any Grown Man Cry

March 6, 2020

It says a lot about the human body’s threshold for pain that there are people who pay good money to be tied up, flogged with a riding crop, have hot candle wax poured on their bare skin, have their nipples/anuses/vaginas clamped, fisted, electrocuted etc for sexual pleasure and their bodies properly handle the pain that comes with these acts.

So, why is that these 7 small, common pains always feel like being shot in the chest with a bazooka?

1) When the barber pours spirit on your head after a haircut.

This thing always feels like a million tiny insects gnawing at your brain.

2) When you jam your small toe on the side of furniture.

“Kill me now so I don’t have to suffer anymore!” – You, after mistakenly hitting your pinky toe on the couch.

3) When the barber is lining up your hairline and he absentmindedly moves the clipper to a sensitive part of your head.

“Why don’t you just go ahead slit my throat while you’re at it, Sweeney Todd?!” – You, when the barber has almost sliced off your ear more than once.

4) Whenever you accidentally bite your tongue while chewing.

I still don’t get how this thing happens.

5) When you hit your shin on the side of a table.

Furniture are truly the worst. I’ve come to the conclusion that my tables and chairs all possess sentience and move about to make this shit happen.

6) When you hit your elbow on a hard surface and that electric shock-feeling runs all the way up your arm.

You get it.

7) When a small patch of skin gets caught in your zipper.

And there goes the tip of your penis.

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It has been twenty-something days without a hair cut and I miss my barber. So, I wrote this letter that my barber may never read. My darling barber, how are you today? I have been thinking about you since this lockdown started. I dreamt of you last night. I miss the days of fade. I […]

Astor George

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