5 Nigerian Men Tell Us About Their “Firsts” Including Their First Million

April 1, 2020

Fortunately or unfortunately for you people (readers), I have a lot of male friends who are not afraid to have some of the less talked about conversations.

Seeing as there is some free time at hand, I decided to ask them individually some of the more honest questions many men don’t talk about. The theme covers money, death, sex, morals, and life in general.

Here are some of the questions and answers I got.

1) How did you feel the first time you made a million?

O: I was like is this it? I finally have a million naira. I expected some fireworks or maybe some life-changing thing to happen, but it didn’t. I sha slept first to process it and I woke up to a text from home asking me to send money. By the time I sent money home, I was back to thousandaire. That’s when I realized that everything is overrated. But I’ll rather be an overrated millionaire than poor sha.

As a Nigerian man, no one respects you if you don’t have money. Like this, if I don’t go to church on Sunday no one questions me because is it not me that gave them money for the Sunday rice we will eat in the afternoon? So, if I want to keep this freedom I have to embrace liking millions even if it’s overrated.

2) How was your first orgasm like?

C: My first orgasm was nice, I think I had read a lot and seen a lot from porn and popular media and expected something mindblowing.

It was different, it was not mindblowing and I guess it is because I have a complicated history with all things sexual and I have repressed it for a long time. Funny enough, I had this irrational fear prior to the orgasm that perhaps I was too damaged by my past to have one. So, if anything my first orgasm brought me relief that I was normal. Prior to that, I had never had a conscious orgasm and I have had some frolicking adventures and expected that I would have had an orgasm during then. But nothing came except precum.

For my first orgasm, I remember that there was leg shaking and a momentary loss of control which, to be frank, I didn’t like on a higher level because I don’t like losing control. In all, I think orgasms are overrated because I have little experience and a whole lot of sex therapy to do.

3) How did you feel the first time you watched someone die?

K: As a doctor, I am used to seeing people die. I once spent the night shift in a ward where all the patients were dead by morning, so death is no stranger to me. It’s like a disappointing family member people don’t talk about in the family meeting. So, for me, I will use the first death that shook me because the first death I witnessed didn’t move me.

My cousin who was asthmatic came to my hospital to be nebulized but we realized there were complications and she was going to need oxygen to breathe properly. We admitted her over the night for observation but by midnight, an emergency case came in. Seeing as she was getting stable, they wheeled the only oxygen tank in the hospital from her bed in the ward to the emergency room which was like 15 minutes away. I remember staying the night with her and assuring her she would go home tomorrow.

Around 3 am, she started to gasp for breath. I quickly sprung into action and called the attention of the nurse for the emergency tray. Seeing as her mum retired from the hospital and I also worked there, we got prompt attention and they even dispatched an orderly to go retrieve the oxygen tank. But I knew, I just knew as the guy was running that he couldn’t make it back in time.

I kept on holding her hands while waiting for either the emergency tray or oxygen tank. She kept on crying “you promised”, “you promised” then she let out a loud cry and went still. Very silent. You know how everything goes quiet when Nepa brings light and we all turn off our generators? yeah, like that.

I think that was the first time I saw the system fail someone who had connect and knew people. I just made up my mind to leave this country that day.

4) When was the first time you doubted all you believe in?

T: For me, I like to be consistent in character. My toxic trait is that because I don’t want to seem inconsistent, I make commitments that I shouldn’t. It stems from the fact that I was somewhat irresponsible growing up so as an adult, I overcompensate for it by doing the most right thing and upholding certain personal morals.

So, I had a friend when I was uni, let’s call her H. She was married but I mean we were good friends before she got married so no shaking. Seeing as her husband couldn’t relate to some of her current semester struggles, I was her sounding board and confidant. I mean that was cool and all by me because I have a line that I don’t cross and that’s marriage. I won’t sleep with a married person but girlfriend or engaged is fair game to me so I am not a saint.

Well, let’s just say that on some unfortunate day. The type that happens when you are talking past midnight with someone and you drop your inhibitions and collective responsibility and just follow animal instincts, we kissed. And then we kissed some more. Warning bells were going off in my head but stronger ones were going on in my loins. While it is not my proudest moment, we had sex.

Fast forward, she felt miserable and hated me but I hated and still hate myself more. She reached out to me recently that she has forgiven me but I can’t get past that incident. I was so sure about my morals and that I would always do the right thing. All I know is that from that day, I no longer judge what’s wrong or right. I have no opinions on anything.

5) When was the first time you realized you were like your dad?

H: Well, my cousins live with me. They do stuff like leave the lights on or waste food. The first time I found myself giving them a lecture on how tough it is to make money and how it doesn’t grow on trees, I was like this feels familiar.

Also, the first time they told me that my life is boring and all I do is work or sleep, I had flashbacks to childhood and saying the same thing. The funny thing is that I am just older than them by 6 years but they probably think I am ancient. I don’t blame them, they are unemployed brats so they have the energy to insult their provider. Wait, that’s something my dad says. God!

Hello Zikoko fam, something is coming soon. A series for men by men about men.

Watch this space:

Hassan Yahaya

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