1. When you mother forces you to talk to her on the phone.

“Yes ma” “Amen” “Amen” “Amen” “Thank you, ma”

2. “Don’t you remember me? I saw you last when you were a baby.”

I don’t even remember what I had for breakfast yesterday.

3. When you’re not sure if she is your actual aunty or just a random adult.

In Nigeria anyone older than you is your aunty or uncle.

4. Whenever you had to give her that Oscar-worthy fake smile.

You really just want to leave that place.

5. When she sees you outside with someone of the opposite sex.

“Sister, you won’t believe what I saw your child doing?”

6. When she comments on your weight before asking how you are.

You won’t watch your own potbelly first, ehn?

7. When she sees you at a wedding and asks you “when is your own?”

If I ask you “when is your own?” at a burial now, you will start vexing.

8. When she sends you a friend request on Facebook.

Ignore. Block. Delete App.

9. When she comes to visit and you know it’s going to be Africa Magic all day every day.

Please, come and be going.

10. When your parents are shouting at you and she joins mouth.

See me see trouble.

11. When she complains about your upbringing but you know your cousin is a yahoo boy.

Well, this is awkward.

12. How they turn up for Owambes:

13. When they drag you the dance-floor at an Owambe.

This is not why I am here.

14. When she carries it on her head that you don’t speak your native language enough.

Are you my tongue?

15. Whenever she drops “just manage” money before leaving.

Aunty! Aunty! My favorite aunty. So, did we miss anything?


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