A Nigerian Woman’s Guide To Shopping For Her First Apartment

February 26, 2019

I moved into my first apartment last year. Asides the suffering and pain that comes with house hunting, there were a couple of things I learned. Like, buying common mattress can give you a stroke. How are they even so expensive? And agents in Nigeria live to take you fi idiat.

But I think the most important thing I learned was asides a bed, a fan and all that good stuff, buying these essential items are very key to surviving living on your own.

Before you even get an apartment, you are going to need to get yourself a fake husband or fiancee.

Some landlords will not even let you glance at their house when you are house hunting. You have to prove you are a responsible young lady by owning a husband or fiance. Boyfriend doesn’t cut it, that’s for asewos.

If you are going to live in the same compound as your landlord you are also going to need a fake ring.

And a tragic tale about how your husband or fiance is in the overseas hustling for the both of you. Any male visitor you have will be your cousin or your brother. If your landlord comments on how you’ve introduced him to six of your brothers in one month, tell him your father is polygamous.

A wine opener and an emergency bottle of wine should always be available.

Even if you don’t drink you are going to when those bills start coming in.

This nifty hand fuel pump so you’ll stop begging your neighbours to help you pour petrol in your gen.

Or bathing your generator in half of the petrol in your jerry can. You can get it here, or in Lagos traffic. Honestly, what can’t you get in Lagos traffic?

A hammer because you never know when it’ll come in handy. Also, it doubles as a weapon for protection.

Get a taser and pepper spray too, always make sure you are strapped.

Actually not just a hammer, a whole ass tool box.

By the time a carpenter wants to charge you 10k just to help you hang curtain, you’ll understand why it’s important to have your own toolbox. Plus who even has the energy to start haggling with Nigerian handymen every time you get a loose hinge.

A remote controlled generator because you can’t come and kill yourself.

Or at least those ones that use keys. If it’s only the one that needs to be pulled with a rope you can afford, that works too. Alternate between using your left and right hands to pull the rope, so you can skip arm day at the gym.

Apparently a fire extinguisher is also super important.

Do I have one? No, because I thought buying art was more important and that was foolish. But it’s in next month’s budget and should be in yours too, to prevent ‘had I know’ stories. Also learn how to use it, it’s not for decoration.

Really great noise cancelling headphones. The very best money can buy, because nothing is more important than your peace of mind.

You know the type that still cancels out any noise even if you are not listening to music. You are going to need them when that church on your street starts doing 3 am night vigil. Or when an evangelist picks the front of your own house to be screaming about how weaves will send you to hell.

A surge protector at every socket that holds everything you hold dear and true.

I don’t think I need to remind you about how much you bought your freezer? Plis dear, never forget that NEPA will always move madder than your ex-boyfriend.

Now that you are strapped, sit back, relax and enjoy the peace of mind that comes with living on your own.

Guess who won’t be woken up at 4 am for morning devotion anytime soon? You boo.

Toketemu Ohwovoriole

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