Why Nigeria (Probably) Needs a 102-Year-Old President

February 19, 2022

If Mercury somersaults seven times in retrograde, it’s possible that Nigeria may end up with a 102-year-old woman as president in 2023.

We swear that this is a real thing.

102-year-old Nonye Josephine Ezeanyaeche announced on February 17, 2022 that she’s preparing to run against others contesting in the 2023 presidential election.

This aspirant already has a manifesto that she personally put together and cannot wait to get started.

Now, we don’t discriminate, and while you can be too young to run for president, there’s nothing in the constitution about being too old to run.

So we are putting the best argument forward for why Mama E, as we shall now call her, may be the best choice for Nigeria in 2023.

She will make history as Nigeria’s first female president

This is an easy one. Nigeria has never had the good luck of being led by a woman, and Mama E instantly becomes a record-breaker. 

Also, we get to brag that we’re more progressive than the United States of America that cannot seem to elect a female president — even when the alternative was an overexposed orange peel.

Nigeria’s debt cancelled

China and all of Nigeria’s foreign lenders can forget about getting their money back because what Nigerian woman is repaying a debt she was not responsible for? 

That’s automatic debt cancellation, and we can all party like it’s October 1, 1960 all over again.

Nobody doubts her age

Our current president and some of the aspirants that want to take over from him have had too many controversies about how old they really are.

Mama E is 102 years old. Nobody doubts it, and that’s one less controversy to distract Nigerians. 

She has seen Nigeria’s future

What a child cannot see standing on the tallest tree, an old person can see from their verandah stool. 

There’s no good reason for Mama E to run at her age if she doesn’t already see good things in Nigeria’s future. 

She is impossible to intimidate

When Bubu unavoidably has those corruption allegations filed against him after leaving office, Mama E can recreate this:

And even though we really dig the principle of separation of powers in government, we know she is capable of telling everyone at the National Assembly to kneel down, raise their hands and close their eyes any time they try to pad the budget.

She will not steal our money

What does a 102-year-old woman need to steal money for? 

We’re thinking maybe wall clocks, coffee mugs customised with pictures of her children’s faces and PS5 for the great-great-great-grandchildren. Nothing crazy

She is old enough to send Queen Elizabeth on errands

This instantly boosts our relationship with the United Kingdom, and we can start ordering pizza from London again — something this current government didn’t like.

She will be focused

How many 102-year-olds do you know that have longtime friends that are still alive to distract them? Not a lot, if you think about it.

This means Madam President will focus on the job she’s elected to do.

No time for friends, doing focused work.

We do have one little concern

We know we cannot ever trust Nigerian politicians to have zero bad habits.

At 102, we don’t expect Mama E is the kind of president that has any sort of patience for this pressing phone generation.

Any time an anonymous account on Twitter calls her incompetent, NEPA will switch off the internet for five business days. 

Everybody should go outside and play.

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