PIN THE TAIL ON THE ASSAULTERS.

In the last 7 days, while many Nigerians were making headlines, populating the Forbes under 30 list, an unrelated group of Nigerians appeared to be rather uninterested in achieving such seemingly mundane things.

See, they were a lot more interested in shattering the Nigerian laws of gravity, by sinking to a record low absolutely no one thought possible

Here are the named assaulters:

          

Elisha Abbo.

 

You’re going to want to remember this name, not just for the senatorial recall process, but because he may have started something fr, fr.

Breaking a time honoured tradition of Sudden Party Blindness (SPB) at the mention of a member’s vagrant actions (case in point, this video, and its ensuing reactions) — Abbo mucked up so badly, his party, the PDP had no choice but to leave him out to dry.

On May 11th, 2019, Nigeria’s youngest senator, perhaps looking to replace his pump — made his way into an adult toy shop in the company of three ladies. Following a ridiculous exchange with the store owner, in which he alleged to have been called drunk, he physically assaulted a woman in the shop who dared ask that he ‘take it easy’ in handling the situation.

Upon the release of the CCTV footage on July 1, Abbo attempted to diffuse the situation by coming up with a most ridiculous tale which involved shopping for jeans with his sister and his being slapped three times by a Bible-wielding assailant. When that ploy obviously failed, he gave a robotic press release in apology, where he attempted to purchase some sympathy with tears, before immediately appearing to THINK better of it.

However, in the event that those tears were real, I will be needing about 750 CCs super shot into my veins, STAT!

Biodun Fatoyinbo.

In light of the fact that this matter is yet to be decided upon by a court of law, here’s an omnipresent ‘allegedly’ to prevent repetition and allow for easier reading.

In a video streamed 121 000 times, Busola Dakolo, professional photographer narrated how, at 16, she was groomed, preyed upon and raped twice in the space of one week by Biodun Fatoyinbo, Senior Pastor OF COZA.

This sparked a social media hailstorm that saw the birthing of protests staged at the 2 branches of his church in Lagos and Abuja. The pastor, who has time and time again, been the subject of sexual assault claims, has since stepped down.

However, pertinent on everyone’s minds is whether or not he will face prosecution. According to the police, they require a formal complaint before any criminal actions can be taken against him. It is unclear whether or not Mrs Dakolo will be issuing one.

Habeebulah Abdulrahman.

This Islamic cleric admitted to raping a 16 year old girl, and then claimed to be married to her to avoid arrest, seeing as Nigeria’s Criminal laws, in 2019⁠ — do not recognise the very real possibility of marital rape.

Turns out there was no marriage to begin with, and she was merely a pupil under his tutelage at an Islamic school in Eye, Osun State.

More of his victims of his have turned up since this story made waves on social media. He is currently in police custody.

It is important to note that, in light of these gruesome acts of sexual violence against women, Nigeria’s Criminal Code (S218), bars a minor below the age of 13 from instituting an action against her assaulter, where 2 months have elapsed from the date of the assault.

For context, had Mrs. Dakolo been raped at 12, and just now in 2019, found the courage to tell her story ⁠ — she would be statutorily barred from bringing a criminal action against Biodun Fatoyinbo.

NIGERIA AGREES TO SIGN THE AfCTA.

On July 2nd, President Buhari announced that Nigeria will be signing the African Continental Free Trade Agreement, at the next summit of African Union (AU), holding in Niamey from July 7.

Sounds great! Now if only we knew what that was ?

Well, as Google informed me 10 minutes ago, the AfCTA is an agreement to create the world’s largest trading blocs since the World Trade Organisation, by leveraging the 1.2 billion people that make up the member states of the AU into a single market.

The agreement seeks to promote intra-Africa trade by removing obstacles to transactions such as high tariffs, to allow access to commodities and services across the continent. As part of the agreement, countries have committed to removing tariffs on 90% of their goods. The AfCTA went into force on May 30th, 2019.

Why Is Nigeria Signing Now?

Although Nigeria was one of the initial backers of the trade agreement at its nascent stages in 2002 — the country changed courses on supporting the AfCTA when a draft deal was signed last year. This was amidst fears that Nigeria’s efforts at promoting local manufacturing and farming would be thwarted through an influx of low-priced goods from neighbouring countries. However, following an impact assessment of the trade agreement in June (um, why wasn’t this just done earlier?), the fears were allayed and our President will be signing the agreement in Niamey.

…Unless of course, he just doesn’t show up. You know how he sometimes tends to do that.

BYE RUGA! WE HARDLY KNEW YE?

Even though the FG has stated the rural grazing area project is only suspended, I’m going to go on a hunch supported by the Curious Case of Nigeria Air, and say suspensions are really the place proposed plans go to die. This may be — probably will be — the last we’ll hear of RUGA. Well, going under that name at least.

To refresh, the FG, on the face of it, appeared to seek a solution to the herdsmen-farmer crisis by proposing settlements for persons involved in animal husbandry, in every state of the federation. This idea was met with obvious resistance, as many were opposed to rewarding a private enterprise associated with the murder and looting of communities around Nigeria, with free, amenities abundant land.

The fact that the project adjusted to suit interested states only, and curiously Benue, which opposed it — was overlooked, as continued calls on social media for its scrap persisted. On July 3rd, the outcries proved effective and the project was treated to a jumbo-sized number 8.

Yes, where do I sign up for the NASS care package?

The Senate President, his deputy, together with the Speaker and Deputy Speakers of the House of Representatives and 465 other lawmakers, will reportedly be the recipients of a ₦32.83 billion welcome package, starting July the 8th.

While the specific sum each lawmaker is to receive is unclear, there are indications that each can go home with at least ₦70 million worth of care.

Read more here.

Because this seems to be above human understanding, I will now be requiring divine help to understand just why these lawmakers are paid so much.

Are You Ready For Strike Number 3000?

What do you do when your government is determined to take you fi idiat? If you ask the Nigerian Labour Congress, they’ll tell you the same thing they do just about every quarter of the year: threaten to embark on a strike action!

It has been three months since the ₦ 30,000 minimum wage was signed into law, and three months since, the account balances of Nigerian workers have failed to reflect that amount. To protest, the NLC is threatening a strike action to cripple commercial activities around the country. The Senate President, Ahmed Lawan, a recipient of a welcome package, bountiful enough to pay the salaries of at least 2333 workers, has appealed to the body that they hold off proposed plans to revolt against the non-implementation of the new wage.

Can somebody please hit the hard-reset button on Nigeria?

DID YOU MISS THIS?

Gbajamiabila doesn’t rate the NASS. It really do be your own speaker.

Nigeria’s dad will not be pleased with her ‘women in politics’ score.

NOT THE NEWS?

Because everything sucks and our National Assembly is living large off of our backs, here’s one of my favourite episodes of People Watching, on the one self-help group we’d actually join.

Before the DMs, there was the letterbox, here’s one of the most skillful slide-ins I’ve ever read.

Long watch, but here’s a history of Nigeria if you happen to have never seen it.

Well, now you’ve seen what I do with Canva in my spare time.