We Ranked Nigerian Malt Drinks From Worst To Best

April 17, 2020

I got into an argument with a friend last week about the greatness that is malt drinks. According to her the only people who drink malt are armed robbers and cultists. I countered this with ‘what the hell am I supposed to drink with Jollof rice and fried meat?’.

To her credit while some malt drinks taste like the nectar of the gods some should only be reserved for cultists and armed robbers. Which is why I’ve ranked every malt drink you can get in Nigeria today from the worst to the best.

Hi Malt


Hi Malt tastes like everything that’s wrong with this country and then some. It tastes like water used to rinse out the empty bottle of any other malt drink (except Beta Malt). It’s a mystery to me, how with the slew of other malt brands available in Nigeria Hi Malt manages to remain in business. That means people are waking up every day and making the voluntary decision to use their money to buy…Hi Malt. Mind-blowing.

Beta Malt


The Beta in Beta Malt’s name is ironic because the only thing it tastes better than is Hi Malt and that’s by a very slim margin. I think the fact that Beta Malt is huge in Ghana a country where egg kebabs exist should be warning enough that you can do better than Beta Malt.

Amstel Malta


My biggest problem with Amstel Malta is that there isn’t nearly enough sugar to satisfy my sweet tooth. From my very limited exposure to beer, Amstel Malta reminds me of beer a lot. Which is why it’s unsurprising that a lot of beer drinkers like it. But as for me and my sweet tooth, we shall pass.

Grand Malt


Grand Malt is a low sugar Malt drink that’s only a little better tasting than Amstel Malt. My theory about beer drinkers also applies here. People who love beer will love Grand Malt.

Maltina


You know how people settle for Pepsi when there isn’t Coca Cola. Maltina is like Pepsi. I see no reason for anyone to buy it if there’s Malta Guinness available. It tastes like a slightly watered-down version of the better malt drinks. But it would do in a fix.

Malta Guinness


Malta Guinness used to be my go-to before Dubic Malt came into the market a couple of years ago but it’s still an all-time favourite. Several lives ago Maltina might have been able to give Malta Guinness a run for its money but as at today, I’m pretty sure it’s the biggest Malt drink brand in the Nigerian market.

Dubic Malt


I didn’t know greatness could be improved upon until I tried Dubic Malt. It’s pretty much Malta Guinness raised to power 2. Which is unsurprising as they are made by the same manufacturers.

Honorary mention: Vital Malt

Who remembers Vital Malt? They went out of business in 2010 for reasons I’ll never understand. Nostalgia might be clouding my judgement but I remember it being pretty good.

Toketemu Ohwovoriole

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

You'll like this

Watch

Now on Zikoko

Recommended Quizzes

November 11, 2019

Everyone has something to say about what kind of person they are. But how well do we truthfully evaluate these things? Not that much, I can assure you. The average person is always lying to themselves to make sure they look good. But you know what and who doesn’t lie? Zikoko quizzes that’s what. Take […]

January 2, 2020

Do you have even a single romantic bone in your body? Well, if you’re not sure about just how sweet and thoughtful you can be to someone you love, that’s what this quiz is here to answer. 11 Quizzes For Nigerians Who Are Ready To Marry  Are you ready to marry? Take these quizzes.

November 25, 2019

We already guessed how many people you’ve slept with, and y’all were out here denying the truth. Anyway, we won’t hold that against you. This time, however, we’ve created a quiz that predicts who you’ll sleep with next — so you can either prepare or try (unsuccessfully) to prevent it. So, take and see:

November 30, 2019

With No Nut November FINALLY coming to an end, we’ve decided to mark the torturous month with some more horny content. After quizzes that guessed how many people you’ve slept with, how good you are in bed and who you’ll sleep with next, this one will guess when next you’ll get lucky. Take it to […]

More from Chopist

April 16, 2021

If you enjoy any of the fruits on this list, delete every tweet that suggests you’re broke and stop lying. 1. Strawberries Everyone that makes strawberry flavoured snacks or beverages is a dirty smelling liar. Strawberries are not sweet. They are sour as fuck. In addition to being sour, they’re also expensive as hell. So […]

March 18, 2021

One of the most thriving industries in Lagos is the restaurant industry, People are always looking for where to spend money when there is rice at home, in this economy? And on that salary? Anyways, here are a few tips on breaking into this industry. 1. Make sure it’s in a hidden location What’s fun […]

March 4, 2021

Onscreen chemistry is one thing Old Nollywood got right. Some actors and actresses just had this thing that left you rooting for them hard even when you don’t think you should be. We decided to rank the top five couples from Old Nollywood that were everything. Genevieve Nnaji and Emeka Ike I know Tony Umez […]

Watch

Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

December 14, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
November 2, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
October 26, 2020
A collection of videos documenting some of the events of the EndSARS protests.
June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
March 12, 2020
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.
X