We Ranked Nigerian Malt Drinks From Worst To Best

April 17, 2020

I got into an argument with a friend last week about the greatness that is malt drinks. According to her the only people who drink malt are armed robbers and cultists. I countered this with ‘what the hell am I supposed to drink with Jollof rice and fried meat?’.

To her credit while some malt drinks taste like the nectar of the gods some should only be reserved for cultists and armed robbers. Which is why I’ve ranked every malt drink you can get in Nigeria today from the worst to the best.

Hi Malt


Hi Malt tastes like everything that’s wrong with this country and then some. It tastes like water used to rinse out the empty bottle of any other malt drink (except Beta Malt). It’s a mystery to me, how with the slew of other malt brands available in Nigeria Hi Malt manages to remain in business. That means people are waking up every day and making the voluntary decision to use their money to buy…Hi Malt. Mind-blowing.

Beta Malt


The Beta in Beta Malt’s name is ironic because the only thing it tastes better than is Hi Malt and that’s by a very slim margin. I think the fact that Beta Malt is huge in Ghana a country where egg kebabs exist should be warning enough that you can do better than Beta Malt.

Amstel Malta


My biggest problem with Amstel Malta is that there isn’t nearly enough sugar to satisfy my sweet tooth. From my very limited exposure to beer, Amstel Malta reminds me of beer a lot. Which is why it’s unsurprising that a lot of beer drinkers like it. But as for me and my sweet tooth, we shall pass.

Grand Malt


Grand Malt is a low sugar Malt drink that’s only a little better tasting than Amstel Malt. My theory about beer drinkers also applies here. People who love beer will love Grand Malt.

Maltina


You know how people settle for Pepsi when there isn’t Coca Cola. Maltina is like Pepsi. I see no reason for anyone to buy it if there’s Malta Guinness available. It tastes like a slightly watered-down version of the better malt drinks. But it would do in a fix.

Malta Guinness


Malta Guinness used to be my go-to before Dubic Malt came into the market a couple of years ago but it’s still an all-time favourite. Several lives ago Maltina might have been able to give Malta Guinness a run for its money but as at today, I’m pretty sure it’s the biggest Malt drink brand in the Nigerian market.

Dubic Malt


I didn’t know greatness could be improved upon until I tried Dubic Malt. It’s pretty much Malta Guinness raised to power 2. Which is unsurprising as they are made by the same manufacturers.

Honorary mention: Vital Malt

Who remembers Vital Malt? They went out of business in 2010 for reasons I’ll never understand. Nostalgia might be clouding my judgement but I remember it being pretty good.

You'll like this

July 28, 2020

If the Nigerian you’re interested in dating does up to 7 of the things on this list, bounce them. If you’re already dating them, then you need to immediately block them everywhere, change your identity and leave the country. 1. They turn old stew into jollof rice. These ones never let things go. You’ll be […]

Toketemu Ohwovoriole

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

Watch

Now on Zikoko

October 20, 2020

Earlier today, the Lagos government declared a 24-hour-curfew starting 4pm. However protesters and people who couldn’t go home on such short notice remained at the Lekki toll-gate. News have however reached us that peaceful protesters and people at the toll-gate are being shot at. Here’s what’s happening: To watch it live, click here. For more […]

October 20, 2020

If the president is not moving fast with police reforms, we can submit a petition to the National Assembly. 24-hour Curfew Governor Babajide Sanwo-Olu has imposed a 24-hour curfew on all parts of Lagos State as from 4 pm, 20th October 2020. He also added that only essential service providers and first responders “must be […]

Recommended Quizzes

November 30, 2019

With No Nut November FINALLY coming to an end, we’ve decided to mark the torturous month with some more horny content. After quizzes that guessed how many people you’ve slept with, how good you are in bed and who you’ll sleep with next, this one will guess when next you’ll get lucky. Take it to […]

November 28, 2019

There are so many talented and stunning Nollywood actors that make it hard not to fall in love with them. So, while we all know the likelihood of us ending up with any of them is super low, it’s still fun to imagine a world where we actually stood a chance, and that’s why this […]

November 4, 2019

After successfully predicting when y’all are getting married (please, email any complaints to noneofourbusiness@nayousabi.com), we are back to tell you how much is currently in your account. How, you might ask? By using your taste in Nollywood, of course. Shhh. No questions. Just take it already:

November 14, 2019

The fourth season of Big Brother Naija came to an end over a month ago, but the conversation surrounding the housemates is far from over. So, in a bid to keep the fire burning, we decided to create a quiz that tells you which famous member of the ‘Pepper Dem’ gang is your soulmate. Take […]

March 24, 2020

While we know that a lot of the best Nigerian artists deservedly have fans across generations, that won’t stop us from attempting to guess how old you are based on your taste in Nigerian music. So, take this quiz to see if we got it right:

More from Chopist

October 10, 2020

If I was unsure of the generosity of Nigerians, yesterday at the #EndSARS protests in Lagos proved me wrong. Except for the yoghurt I bought with my own money, I was well fed due to the sacrifice of many Nigerians who took it upon themselves to feed, fuel and energize the rest of us on […]

October 4, 2020

Jollof wars aside, there are a number of foods Nigerians need to appreciate Ghanaians for. Thanks to Ghanaians, we are enjoying these foods, or at least a slightly different version of them. Here’s a list of Ghanaian foods Nigerians enjoy eating. 1. Waakye This one is a fave for a lot of Nigerians. The stew […]

October 3, 2020

Benin City is one of the most historic towns in Nigeria. The city that plays host to the revered Eweka dynasty, Benin city has some fun spots if you ever realise that you need to unwind. Note down these 7 places, and never say we didn’t help you when you were stranded in Benin-city: 1. […]

September 27, 2020

The average Nigerian youth identifies more with Halloween than any Nigerian festival. Now, this breaks my heart because we have incredible festivals and celebrations in Nigeria that are arguably more than these ‘foreign things’. I lie? Check this Nigerian festivals out. They are proper: 1. Kagoro Afan Festival The Kagoro Afan festival is celebrated by […]

Watch

Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
March 12, 2020
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.
February 6, 2020
Who doesn't want to find love? In our bid to help, we paired up a bunch of single Nigerians, sending them on an all-expense paid date, and interviewing them before and after they met.
January 27, 2020
Nigerians Talk is what happened when a motley crew of young Nigerians were put in front of a camera and asked a bunch of apparently random questions about life, love, money and more.
September 24, 2019
A group of Zikoko staff go on a road trip to every mainland country in ECOWAS West Africa

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.
X