5 Things That Have No Business Being On Cakes

November 18, 2019

Much like that fat child in the movie, Matilda, who Miss Trunchbull forced to eat a giant tray of chocolate cake in front of the entire student body, I fucking love cakes. People fight for food and meat at parties, I fight for cake. I once punched an aunt in the stomach during a light scramble for cake at a birthday party my own family was throwing.

I’m digressing.

My point is, I feel like I’ve been through enough cakes to call myself a cake connoisseur. Which is I’ve put together this list of cake toppings/decorations that are low key abominations that people have become accustomed to.

1) Cookies:

Because cakes with cookies on them are usually left out for too long before being served, leading to the cookies becoming stale and weirdly soft. No one wants to eat cookies that feel like all the crunchy-goodness has been sucked out by someone else.

2) Popcorn:

Because eww, gross. Popcorn, on its own, tastes like vaguely caramel-flavoured cardboard pieces tinged with sadness. So it doesn’t actually do anything as a cake topping. From an aesthetics POV, it’s still pointless. I mean. take another look at that cake above and see my point.

3) Dried fruits:

Dried fruits are a staple when making fruit cakes and I can’t eat fruit cakes because dried fruits are disgusting AF. The texture is hella weird (thick and chewy) and they’re usually too many of them. I CAN NOT EVEN.

4) Wafers:

Same complaint as cookies. They’re left out for too long and become too soft.

5) Tiny people:

All I want to do is go to a wedding and eat cake without disrupting the proceedings because I ended up choking on the tiny plastic people at the top of the cake and someone had to call an ambulance. Make them edible, dammit! This also goes for flower decorations on cakes.

Astor George

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