Osaretin Tunde-Oni, Author at Zikoko!

1. When she says don’t worry then “I just think it’s funny how…”

But you just said don’t worry na.
2. When you tell her you’re going out with your friends and she says ‘have fun’

Wazz all dis ?
3. When you say you’re hungry and she says “tell that your other babe to cook for you na”

Nawa for you o.
4. When you tell her sorry and she says “sorry for yourself”

Some people sha…
5. When she says “you can’t even say sorry”

Didn’t I just say sorry 40 times?!
6. When she sends an angry text and you’re trying to remember what you did wrong

But….all I said was “hello”.
7. When she says “get out” and then starts crying when you want to go

I’m so confused…what’s going on.
1. The beggy-beggy.

Prepared to beg his life away for the job.
2. The one that came to kill it.

Acting like na only him get road.
3. The nervous guy.

Sweating under AC like say we dey desert.
4. The one that acts like he’s going to get the job.

See the way he’s doing like Sina Rambo.
5. The baby.

Looks like he just finished primary school.
6. The fashionista.

Oga we came to find job, not modelling contract. Nawa for you.
7. The connects guy

Always calling somebody that knows somebody, even though they’re not picking up.
8. The O.G

Has been to 10 offices before this one, always looking bored.
9. The person sleeping like it’s his fathers parlour.

He’s even snoring ontop of it. Blood of Jesus.
1. Aunty no vex, I sick one kin sick ehn

“my body still dey pain me as you dey see me now”.
2. I thought you said you want am next tomorrow

“You see you suppose remind me”.
3. NEPA never bring light since that time you come

“This light you dey see just show today”.
4. I dey my village since, my mama dey vomit blood

“my brother, we thank God say she still dey alive”.
5. Since Buhari enter office, fuel no dey my side. So I no fit on the generator

“Na you vote APC, so na your fault too”.
6. I’ve done it, but I wan do am wella so I don start again, you get?

“Because you’re my G”.
7. Armed robber stopped me inside danfo and stole your clothes, I’ll do it again for you

“Just wait small first”.
1. Using your toothpaste till the very end…I mean the very end

You know how much toothpaste costs nowadays? My friend cut it open!
2. Using soap till it disappears

If I can see the soap, I don’t need a new bar na.
3. Ironing clothes using boiling water in pots

I can use that money for iron to buy food for 3 weeks.
4. Using an iron to toast bread

I can use it to fry egg too, if you want.
5. Who needs a side-view mirror? Mechanic is expensive nowadays

Because money is just growing out of my ears ba?
6. The dishwashing soap is never empty as long as there’s water

Yes, I know it’s just coloured water at this point but money no dey oga.
7. No dustbin? No problem!

Until they pay my allowance, this stool is my dustbin.
1. First off, you download every season of Game Of Thrones on the office Wi-Fi.

A Lannister always pays his debts.
2. Next, you scatter the toilet, one last time.

One last special send off.
3. Finally, you get to let your office crush know how you really feel.

It’s now or never.
4. But you have to act like it’s not paining you.

I’m not crying, it’s just eye sweat.
5. Act like you weren’t just begging your boss for a second chance.

Oga, I take God and Angel Gabriel beg you.
6. Show up at work the next day and act like nothing happened.

It wasn’t me they fired o, it was Femi.
7. Get dragged out like a bag of rice.

Nawa for una, you can’t even take a joke.
8. Wonder why this life is a pot of beans.

Because this can’t be my life.
1. ‘Pssst’

When they’re too tired/stressed to say your name.
2. ‘This one’

When looking at you is just annoying them.
3. ‘That one’

When they’re eyeing you as you’re walking out.
4. ‘Em, what’s your name’

When they’re concentrating on something else but need your help.
5. ‘Mr man’

When they’re about to tell you how unserious you are.
6. ‘My dear’

Used when they’re warning you in a public place.
7. ‘Alan poser’

When they’re hailing you for your outfit.
8. ‘Eysss’ (Ace)

Closely related to ‘this one’, used when they’re about to say you’re stupid.
1. Bathroom Slippers

Perfect width and length for slaps too.
2. Wooden Spoons

For easy kitchen beatings.
3. Slides

Fantastic for throwing at the head of your younger siblings.
4. Your fathers belt

When the belt comes out, someone’s dying.
5. Good ol’ fashioned slaps

Some matters can only be settled by hand.
6. The wires at the back of the TV

The koboko of the sitting room.
7. Broom (Igbale)

When your mother/aunty just wants to kill you.
1. Every one has different colours to identify their stuff

All my clothes were blue, my two brothers were red and green.
2. Getting ‘hand-me-downs’ instead of new clothes

We called them “you go grow reach am”.
3. Constantly sharing your bed

There’s always one uncle/aunty that’s sharing your bed.
4. Running to the bathroom in the morning to be the first to shower

I won gold in the 100 meter bathroom dash.
5. People always eating food you kept for later

They even put the empty plate back in the fridge.
6. Your parents beating all the kids for something one person did

Getting slapped over something that happened when you were asleep.
7. Always having to share food with your siblings

Share everything like national cake.
Have you ever been in a situation where you caught them cheating on you.

Jesus, Gbemi.
And then you tried to fight for pride and love

As a bad guy.
But mainly because you’re so angry.

Na me you dey do like this?!
And they beat you into next summer.

Haba, you sef you no dey play.
So you try begging.

Gbemi please come back.
And your babe is just looking at you like.

“Come back ko, commercial bank ni”.
And the home wrecker is looking at you like.

“Bros, you no know say na me finish work”.
So you try to fight for love one more time.

Gbemi, i’ll die for you!
They now beat you again…for a second time.

This life is just a pot of spoilt beans.
If you’ve gone through all this, you should relate perfectly to this video of penguin home wrecking and cheating.

A fight breaks out when a husband comes home and finds his wife with another penguin. pic.twitter.com/9ejYGcJ5TJ
— National Geographic TV (@NatGeoTV) November 4, 2016
1. C.V by the Mo’Hits All-Stars.

Before they split up and broke our hearts.
2. Mushin2Mohits by Wande Coal.

A classic by the ‘Jewel of Mushin’.
3. Face2Face by 2Face.

2baba! This was his original child, before the 20 children.
4. Superstar by Wizkid.

Before the Starboy, there was the Superstar.
5. The Entertainer by D’banj.

The kokomaster himself has to be in our top 10.
6. MI1 by M.I

Kickstarted the rap scene in Nigeria, we owe M.I a lot.
7. Gongo Aso by 9ice.

Street credibility lomo!
8. The W Experience by Banky W.

I used to sing ‘Strong Ting’ to any girl that would listen.
9. Expressions by Styl Plus.

Nigerias premiere boy-band.
10. C.E.O by Dagrin.

RIP to the godfather of rap, no one ever comes close.