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  • The average Nigerian is religious. We believe in angels, spirits and hell. We also know that there is power in the tongue, especially when “an angel is passing” so we try not to say anything bad so that it won’t come to pass. It’s particularly worse when we’re singing. Lyrics are filled with so many, sometimes meaningless string of words. Sometimes, they’re not that meaningless if you pay attention. You might be singing your favourite song when you realise that you’re actually swearing for you and your family.

    Here’s a list of songs with “interesting” lyrics for you to watch out for.

    Xo Tour Life – Lil Uzi Vert

    “All my friends are dead, push me to the edge.” Why would you want all your friends to die. No matter how drunk or gone you are, when you start singing this song, you’ll keep quiet at this point because you don’t want to get a call that your friend Michael has passed away and start cursing Lil Uzi Vert for making you kill your friend

    Demons by Imagine Dragons

    Imagine Dragons went hard on Demons and it’s such a great song. While you’re rocking to it, remember that when it says “When you feel my heat, look into my eyes, it’s where my demons hide” you must not sing along because it’s not good to invite demons into your own life. But if you actually want demons you can sing it. 

    If I Die by Da Grin

    It doesn’t help the case that Da Grin passed away shortly after singing this song. Everyone now sings this song with so much caution: “If I die, If I die, make you no cry for me.” (But I will not die in Jesus name.)

    Everybody Dies In Their Nightmare – Xxxtentacion

    From the title of the song, you already know you don’t want you or your loved ones to listen to it because it sounds like you’re summoning demons to come and kill you in your sleep with nightmares. 

    I See Fire by Ed Sheeran

    “If this is to end in fire, then we should all burn together.” Immediately you sing that line, go and check if the gas cooker is on. And if all electrical appliances are functioning properly. Because, honestly, that’s how fires start. You’ll now proceed to sing, “I see fire hollowing souls.” Nice try, Ed Sheeran.

  • If you’ve ever had a boss or been employed, even for a day, chances are that you have had one too many meetings in your short lifetime. Many of them, irrelevant and unnecessarily long. The sound of the word “meeting” probably irritates you because they’re just gatherings where people sit and say a lot of things, then leave without really achieving anything.  Sometimes, you don’t even know the reason for the meeting, you just know that you had to be there because someone said so.

    Here’s a list of reasons people call for meetings. 

    To Schedule A Meeting

    Believe it or not, some people call for meetings just so that they can discuss what will be discussed in the next meeting. It seems crazy. But it happens. 

    When your boss calls for a meeting on Friday evening to schedule a meeting for Monday morning

    To Review A Meeting

    I’ve seen too many employers do this one. You should try it if you’re an employer: when you’re bored and it feels like your employees are watching Netflix with the office WiFi, send a mail to everyone to meet in the conference room in 20 minutes to review what was discussed in the previous meeting even though it has no relevance 

    To Introduce An Employee

    Tell everyone to stop what they’re doing and come for a meeting ASAP because they need to meet the new employee. It’s great for his character. 

    To Say A Sentence

    My friend had to drive 2 hours to an “urgent” meeting just for the guy to tell her “Yes I just wanted to tell you that my boss has approved the project to go underway. Have a nice day.” True Story. 

  • If you were born in the mid to late 90s, there are quite a lot of things from your childhood that no longer exist. A lot has changed in terms of music, snacks, film, etc. You often think back with nostalgia and long for what you can call simpler times. You want to tell the kids these days that they don’t know what they missed out on, but you’ve already said it like 78808 times. Now they look at you like a senile old man.

    We understand how you feel. That’s why we’ve written this post so you can bask in nostalgia. Here’s a list of seven sweets from our childhood that need to come back.

    Goody Goody

    If someone comes out to say they have a pack of Goody Goody in Nigeria and that whoever wins a Hunger Games-style tournament gets the box, blood will flow that day. Family members would tear each other apart just get their hands on some nice, brown, soft and sexy Goody Goody again.

    Baba Dudu

    Somehow, they still sell Baba Dudu, but it’s not as good as it used to be. It’s salty and breaks once you put it in your mouth. That wasn’t the case back when we were growing up. Remember JawBreakers from Ed, Edd and Eddy? Baba Dudu was our own jawbreakers. You could lose a tooth if you tried to bite into it. Good for keeping children quiet on long journeys.

    Kiddy

    This was a whole-ass meal. The fact that each packet was accompanied by a little spoon made this even truer. You’d get your vanilla and your chocolate sides and if you were an OG, you’d mix the two flavours. The best part of kiddy was licking the almost empty packet clean because the little spoon couldn’t reach all the corners of the pack.

    Banana Chewing Gum

    This one was a parents’ favourite (even though they hate it when children chew gum). A plus was that each wrap was packaged with fun facts that made it seem like their kids were learning a lot to balance out spoiling their teeth. Kids were always excited to read those facts and show off their knowledge to their parents. Money well spent.

    Robot Bubblegum

    Pink wasn’t always a calm colour when it came to this chewing gum. It became a rock after one minute of chewing, but this never stopped anybody from chewing. Not until your head started aching. Nobody had to tell you before you spat it out. 

    Choki Choki

    This was like Nutella, but better. Yes, I said it. It often left you tearing the nylon and licking it. When you were done, nobody would have ever suspected that there was ever anything in that nylon.

    Bazooka Chewing Gum

    This chewing gum came with comics to while away the time while you ate it. Good Stuff.  

  • Let’s face it, there are punishments and then there are PUNISHMENTS clearly invented by people who hated children. It’s understandable that kids can be stubborn and that it’s important to discipline them once in a while. But, come on, why would you try to kill a child in the name of punishing them? Nigerian parents and teachers are at the forefront of meting out such punishments.

    We’ve listed some of these outrageous punishments here because we are patiently waiting for the government to ban them. Hopefully, this list won’t give you PTSD.

    Pick Pin

    OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

    The worst on this list is perhaps the pick pin. When adults ask children to pick pin, what they mean is for them to hang one leg in the air and point one finger to the ground. They are to remain in that position until their hanging leg gives out or until the adult feels like they’ve suffered enough. This one will make you feel like your soul is entering the ground. The worst part is that if the adult is extra evil, they’ll flog you if you dare twitch. The government must ban this one first, and ensure that adults who mete out this kind of punishment get jail time.

    Frog Jump

    Up-down, Up-down, Up-down. Your thighs feel like they’re about to tear. Your heart feels like it’s about to explode. Your knees are about to give way. You’re crying and shouting, “I’ll never do it again!” When they finally “release” you, you’ll just go to sleep. Only God knows if you came to this world to be a frog.

    Okada

    Thinking about the possibility of being punished like this can make you desist from whatever crime you’re about to commit. You’ll be asked to stay in a “squat” position and ensure your back stays at a “angu 90” with your legs. Essentially, you’re supposed to ride an imaginary okada — as per, you’re now an okada man. This punishment is designed to kill.

    Suck Your Thumb

    This one isn’t as easy or straightforward as it sounds. You will be asked to stand on one leg, raise the other leg up, put an arm under the raised leg, and then suck the thumb on that hand. Try it and see if you won’t be singing, “Pass me not o gentle saviour” in 30 seconds.

    Kneel Down and Fly Your Arms

    This one will fuck you up. You think it’s just kneeling down, but it’s not. It’s probably the simplest of all 5, but if you do it long enough, you will regret making noise in class and calling Mayowa a mango head when he wrote your name on the noisemakers’ list

    If you know the person who invented any of these punishments, please let us know. We just want to tell them something.

  • Make no mistakes, alcohol will fuck you up. If you’ve ever gotten blackout drunk before, you know it’s a journey of nonstop drinking and bad decisions. And because it’s the weekend again, we know you’re about to let yourself down and do a little drinking. How about we prepare you for what you’re about to go through by walking you through the process. (I mean you’re the expert drinker, but that doesn’t matter right now.)

    “I’m not drunk.”

    Nobody has to ask you if you’re drunk. You’ll just start telling your friends “I’m not drunk.” That means your body is ready to take the journey. Welcome. 

    “Am I shouting?”

    Everyone becomes funny. And you’re laughing a lot. You realise you’re probably very loud with everything you’re doing, so you ask the person you’re the most comfortable with, “Am i shouting?” 

    The Quiet Stage

    You become quiet because you don’t want to embarrass your family name in public. This is only after you realise you’ve just said something stupid but nobody heard. Now it’s time to control yourself. 

    Dancing to everything.

    You hear “Won t’ese le bo, yahoo ni babalawo” and you’re on your feet dancing. You can’t dance and you know you look stupid but it feels good. At this stage, you’ve lost complete control. Alcohol has now taken over.

    Seeing Double

    Now this girl you’re talking to is looking like two different individuals, and you can’t hear shit she’s saying. It’s like your whole existence just hit the whoa. 

    Can’t Walk or Stand Straight

    When you have to hold a railing or the wall to walk or stand, you know you’re gone. In your head it’s like, “Why did I take that last shot?”

    “Grfrvtgbjbgvdcfvhg”

    This is the part you don’t remember – usually a text or a tweet.

    Calling your ex.

    You have some stuff to get off your chest (and you need to tell her you miss her). Now’s a perfect time. 

    Lying down to let the tide pass.

    You think you’re feeling a bit more settled after the call to your ex and you want to rest a  bit before you continue the party.

    Waking up inside a gutter

    Cock-a-doodle-do sir! Get up from outside the gutter (or other awkward place you’ve ended up in, including the parking lot.) What happened? Nobody knows. Just dust your shame and be going home.

  • So you’re in this babe’s house and you need to use the toilet, but you’re trying to hold it in because you know once you drop whatever it is you’re holding, she’ll delete your number and block you. You know what’s coming. You really shouldn’t have eaten that beans. And something even warned you, but do you listen?

    You tell yourself “everybody poops” and decide to take the bold step by asking where the toilet is. You’re not an insecure guy after all.

    Now that you’re done, you flush and it doesn’t go down once. You stand awkwardly and try to flush again. No luck. Now you’re afraid. You google “what to do when you’re in a babe’s toilet, and your strong beans poop won’t go down.” This article pops up. You’re in good hands now. Relax and follow the these steps.

    Flush Again

    Flush again, just to be sure. It won’t go, but just to make sure.

    Fetch Water and Flush

    Fetch water in a bucket and pour it into the water closet. This should typically work. If it doesn’t go, that’s a bad sign. It’s time for you to take matters into your own hands. We can no longer help you.

    Run Away

    From the toilet, run away. You’re with your phone so every other thing you left in her room is not important. Break out of the house and run away. 

    Change your number

    Change your number and all your social media handles. She’ll never be able to find you after this.

    Avoid Her Forever

    If somehow you almost cross paths again, avoid her like the plague. Make up any excuse not to bump into her again. You’ll be fine.

    Whether you have a relationship with them or not, Nigerian relatives are an unavoidable reality. That’s why we’ve drawn up this guide to help you navigate the different relationships you didn’t ask for.

    Here’s the Zikoko guide to Nigerian relatives.

    The Grandmother:

    She just wants to hug you, feed you, and give you N1000 every time she sees you. Even if she’s taking it out of the wad of money your dad just gave her. She calls you every month and never misses a birthday. She complains that you never call her, but deep down you know you love her, and she loves you, even if it’s the tough kind of love.

    The Evil Aunt

    You can swear she’s a witch. You don’t know why nobody else sees it. The way she looks at you, complains about your weight, and casually asks with evil eyes, “When are you bringing our husband home?”

    Go and fix your own marriage first, Aunty Bimpe. Nonsense.

    The Rich Uncle

    He’ll say a joke like “They asked if I was all right and I said ‘no, I’m all left.’” and instead of everyone to pick up sticks and beat him, they’ll start laughing and rolling on the floor because they know when he’s leaving everyone is getting money to buy “coke”. 

    The Cousin-Sibling

    The real definition of a “brother from another mother”. You grew up together, so you know all the inside jokes and can gist effortlessly. Time and space might set you guys apart but you’re bros for life. 

    The Family Friend

    They’re not related to you by blood, but you can’t introduce them to other people as anything other than sister or brother. You don’t even know how your relationship started. It has something to do with both your parents being friends in university. You don’t care. They’re cool kids.

    The Deadbeat Uncle

    It’s not like nobody loves them, everyone is just tired of them. No matter how many interventions, they slip back into their habits of drunkenness and are constantly carrying gbese up and down. It might be a spiritual issue. Your grandmother is always praying for them.

    The Ghost

    Once it’s not necessary for them to be around, they’re gone and you won’t hear from them until there’s a marriage or a funeral. You don’t even know their children’s names. They’re usually really cool, but you don’t know a lot about them. You plan to be like them when you grow up. 

    The Party Rocker

    You wonder what her youth was like because even now that she’s 48, she’s still the life of the party. She is in every party planning committee, and she knows all the vendors. She’ll fight if something goes wrong at the party and always brings back more souvenirs than anyone else. You can be sure she’ll tell visitors food has finished halfway through the party so your mom can pack some food home. She’s your fun aunt. You can tell her anything.

  • It’s almost exam period and you’re entering the library for the first time in the semester. You failed last semester, you can’t fail this time. You see your friend on his way there too. You laugh because you know you’re both deceiving yourselves, but it’s worth the try.

    You get to the library, take your seat and scan the room. Here’s a list of the people you’ll meet there.

    The Reader

    This person is actually at the library to read. Their heads are down in their books; they’re reading and taking notes. That’s what you came here to do too, but nothing is entering your head. You swear you’ve tried; maybe this school thing is just not for everyone.

    The Gister

    There are usually two of them. They sit a bit far from each other so they have to whisper very loudly. One of them is extremely funny so they’re always snickering. You want to punch them in the guts because they’re disturbing, but you remember that you’re not even reading so there’s no need to be angry. The librarian always ends up sending them out.

    The Phone Charger

    This one doesn’t have light in his house or hostel. He came here to charge his phone. He’ll put a book in front of him but his eyes will always be on his phone. He’ll always stand up to go and check it. Once it’s full, they’re out.

    The Sleeper

    This one will go and sit in front of the AC and be forming “I grew up in Canada.” He’ll open his book, but five minutes later, he’s gone. He’ll wake up when he hears a sound, and starts “reading” even before his eyes open, just to show that he was never sleeping.

    The Self Deceiver

    These ones go to the library shelf and pack all the books there. They’ll heap 10 books on themselves and stagger as they walk to their seats. You know that they will not open any of those books. Last last, just one. They’ll spend time arranging the books and how they’ll use them one by one, but after some time, they’ll get tired and leave.

    The Movie Watcher

    Earphones plugged, head down, he’s ready to go. He just needs the AC and the quietness. When he’s done he’ll stand up and leave. No pretence no forming. A true soldier.

    The Observer

    Then there’s you. You’re here to watch, your head keeps turning like a standing fan. You spend the entire time looking at the person who is reading and the person who is sleeping and the person who is watching movies. Before you know it, you’re hungry and you “can’t read on an empty stomach” so you stand up and leave. A day well spent.

  • Make no mistakes, cats are evil. They’re not just bad luck, they’re the devil himself. If you see a black cat at night, then you know you’re in trouble. There is a high possibility that your village people have finally come to steal your destiny or drink your blood or BOTH.

    Don’t worry, though. We’ve got you covered.  Here’s what you should do when you see a black cat at night.

    Call your mother

    “Hello mummy”

    Call her immediately to describe the cat and be specific. Tell her the way it was looked at you, the way it walked, and how far it was from your house. Tell her everything single detail. This stage is critical because it’s your mother for God’s sake. She’s a prayer warrior and has a prayer point and solution for every situation.

    Don’t Go Home

    There’s a high chance that the cat already knows your house. Going home that night means you’ll definitely have nightmares that might lead to getting your destiny stolen. Find a hotel or a friend’s place to sleep. If you don’t have any of these, sleep under the bridge.

    Exorcise your house

    Go to your house in the morning with holy water you bought from a man of God and sprinkle it on all your clothes and belongings. All the doors, beds and furniture must be covered too. Pray to your God as you do this. But beware, you are not safe yet.

    Move Out

    Move back in with your parents. They told you you were too young to live on your own before and you didn’t listen. Now you’re seeing black cats. You kuku didn’t have any money for your next rent. Perfect timing.

    Apply for a Visa

    Apply for a visa. Moving out of your house is just temporary. They already found you once. They will find you again. It’s time to leave this country.

    Leaving the Country

    Whether it’s the US, Madagascar or Vietnam, move to wherever would take you first. The farther you move, the better your chances of survival. Cut all ties with everyone you know from Nigeria, even your fiancée and parents.

    Change your Identity

    Just transform to our lord and saviour, Thanos.

    Change your name and get plastic surgery done to look nothing like you looked like before. If somehow they manage to find out that you moved, they’ll be out there looking for someone with your name and face but they’ll just be searching forever.

    That’s it. You won. But you have to follow these exact steps. If you miss one step, you’re doomed.

  • Have you ever noticed how all the famous serial killers in movies always have one distinct trait that mark out their character? It could be something basic and almost negligible but it’s always something they do because they either can’t help it or they’re trying to send a message.

    In Se7en, for example, John Doe was obsessed with talking about “The Seven Deadly Sins” (even if it meant killing people to communicate). It might seem normal and even righteous, but at least, now you know that anyone going on and on about sin is planning to kill you.

    Based on this, we’ve decided to compile a list of behaviours that might seem “normal” but which you should probably watch out for as the people with these behaviours might be potential serial killers.

    Pouring Cereal before Milk

    This one tops the list because it’s particularly audacious and frightening. Eating breakfast is supposed to be the most harmless thing ever, but people have turned it into this occultic practice of pouring cereal in a bowl before casually pouring some milk later. Avoid people who do this. They will most likely kill you. 

    Chewing Tablets

    Nobody ever prays to be sick, but sometimes we fall sick and we have to take medication to get better. That’s perfectly normal. Being sick shouldn’t call for psychopathic behaviour. The instructions on drug packets clearly instruct users to take drugs with water, but some people want to show that they’re better than everyone. Enter abnormal behavior: chewing medicine tablets and swallowing (and no one is paying them to use their medication like this oh.) People with this type of behaviour should be stayed far away from. They can kidnap you and use you for blood money.

    Wearing Too Much Perfume

    This one is pretty straightforward: They wake up in the morning and intentionally soak their clothes in perfume like they’re trying to win an award. It might seem that they’re trying to send you a message though. Because every time they’re next to you, it feels like you’re being choked. They are basically a reverse Jean-Baptiste Grenouille. If you’re one of those people, STOP IT.

    TYPING IN ALL CAPS:

    If you know someone who is constantly doing this, stop reading this or what else it is you might be doing and first block them, then report them and finally call the police on them. RIGHT NOW. People who do this are not trying to hide anything. They want the whole world to know who they are. Why are we still letting them live amongst us?

    Using Phone Speakers in Public

    We know them too well. On the bus, on the road or at home. They’re sitting there, with no cares in the world. Their phones are up to their ears playing music or their favorite radio station loud enough for everyone within sight to hear, and no matter how many nasty looks they get, they just keep bobbing their heads to the music. If you have a friend or roommate that does this, be very, very afraid of him. Only God knows the evil he’s capable of doing right in front of you.

    Eating Loudly

    Everyone was taught to eat quietly with their mouths closed. So if you see someone eating loudly, as if they’re a goat eating grass, it means they’re doing it intentionally as a warning to everyone in that room. Essentially, they’re telling you you’re not safe. Avoid these people at all costs.

    That’s it! Our list of cereal killer behaviors in everyday life. If you know anyone who does any (or all!) of these things, you should go somewhere and hide forever because they watched you read this article and they know you know everything. You’re next on their hit-list.