A Guide to Nigerian Relatives

August 29, 2019

Whether you have a relationship with them or not, Nigerian relatives are an unavoidable reality. That’s why we’ve drawn up this guide to help you navigate the different relationships you didn’t ask for.

Here’s the Zikoko guide to Nigerian relatives.

The Grandmother:

She just wants to hug you, feed you, and give you N1000 every time she sees you. Even if she’s taking it out of the wad of money your dad just gave her. She calls you every month and never misses a birthday. She complains that you never call her, but deep down you know you love her, and she loves you, even if it’s the tough kind of love.

The Evil Aunt

You can swear she’s a witch. You don’t know why nobody else sees it. The way she looks at you, complains about your weight, and casually asks with evil eyes, “When are you bringing our husband home?

Go and fix your own marriage first, Aunty Bimpe. Nonsense.

The Rich Uncle

He’ll say a joke like “They asked if I was all right and I said ‘no, I’m all left.’” and instead of everyone to pick up sticks and beat him, they’ll start laughing and rolling on the floor because they know when he’s leaving everyone is getting money to buy “coke”. 

The Cousin-Sibling

The real definition of a “brother from another mother”. You grew up together, so you know all the inside jokes and can gist effortlessly. Time and space might set you guys apart but you’re bros for life. 

The Family Friend

They’re not related to you by blood, but you can’t introduce them to other people as anything other than sister or brother. You don’t even know how your relationship started. It has something to do with both your parents being friends in university. You don’t care. They’re cool kids.

The Deadbeat Uncle

It’s not like nobody loves them, everyone is just tired of them. No matter how many interventions, they slip back into their habits of drunkenness and are constantly carrying gbese up and down. It might be a spiritual issue. Your grandmother is always praying for them.

The Ghost

Once it’s not necessary for them to be around, they’re gone and you won’t hear from them until there’s a marriage or a funeral. You don’t even know their children’s names. They’re usually really cool, but you don’t know a lot about them. You plan to be like them when you grow up. 

The Party Rocker

You wonder what her youth was like because even now that she’s 48, she’s still the life of the party. She is in every party planning committee, and she knows all the vendors. She’ll fight if something goes wrong at the party and always brings back more souvenirs than anyone else. You can be sure she’ll tell visitors food has finished halfway through the party so your mom can pack some food home. She’s your fun aunt. You can tell her anything.

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