How To Be A Nigerian Parent  

August 26, 2019

All Nigerians are the same. There might be several ethnic groups and religions between us, but there are certain attributes we all share that make us similar. It’s even worse when you’re a Nigerian parent.

We’ve concluded that there must be a school everyone goes to learn how to “parent” before they have children and we’re here to tell you everything they teach in that school. 

Here’s a list of Topics in the syllabus of Nigerian Parents’ Schools.

How to blame your child for the mistakes you made.

As a parent, when you make a mistake, you must realise that parents cannot make mistakes. It’s simply impossible.

What’s the next best thing? Finding a way to blame your child. I mean that’s what our parents do, right? Say you’re looking for your glasses and you become frustrated. All you need to do is shout at the top of your voice and ask your child why they can’t help you look for your glasses, even though they didn’t know you were looking for your glasses.

When they protest with, “But I didn’t know…” Say something like, “So you could not think that I might misplace my glasses and help me keep it somewhere abi?” And when they point out you’ve been wearing your glasses all along, blame them for putting it on your face without your knowledge.

How to shout at the top of your voice.

It doesn’t matter if you look like this, just keep shout.

If you don’t shout, you’re weak. You must shout even if they’re right next to you. Show dominance. 

It’s always your child’s duty to get the remote next to you.

After having a child and breastfeeding them, you should never work again. When there’s a remote beside you, and you need to change it from African Magic Family to African Magic Yoruba, please don’t pick it. If you’ve shouted for your child to come and get it and they don’t hear, pick up your phone from right beside the remote, and call them. When they get there tell them to help you pass the remote. Parenting 101

Up your sarcasm game.

Sarcasm shows intelligence, and you’re intelligent. There’s also no better way for a child to learn than fear. Say things like, “Come and put it on my head na,” when your child asks an innocent question on where to put something you’ve asked him to get. And when they tell you they’re hungry as you cook, say something like, “As you can see, I’m playing here.” Then there’s the classical, “Oh, so I’m stupid? ehn? Answer me, am I stupid?”

Idle Hands are the Devil’s Workshop

There must be a chore in the house for your child even when they’ve done all possible chores. So find something for your child to do. Work builds character. 

How to beat children to the rhythm of their voice.

When you’re beating your child for staring too long at a visitor’s food, make sure the beating rhymes with their voice as they cry. It’s nice to have some fun in this world of stress. 

How to keep money for your children

When your children get money from their uncle, tell them you want to help them keep it so that nobody steals it. Then proceed to steal it. When they ask for it in the future, say these words “All the food you’ve been eating in this house, did you pay for it”?

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