1. Sometimes, as a broke Nigerian student, you see people tweeting INSIDE AN UBER about how things are hard
2. Hardship? WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT HARDSHIP?
LET ME TELL YOU WHAT IT MEANS TO BE BROKE!!
3. Have you ever fantasized about soaking garri WHILE SOAKING GARRI?
Drinking garri while thinking about drinking garri same time next tomorrow.
4. Have you ever pressed your toothpaste as if it stole your phone, then sliced it open to rub your toothbrush inside?
“Ah, the toothpaste still remain – fit use am brush like three times sef”
5. You take a girl out to buy meatpie and Coke and she says she wants egg roll too
Babe. You hurt me with the thing you did oh. You hurt me.
6. Back to that garri we mentioned. Have you ever oversoaked garri and kept it in your neighbor’s fridge to resume later?
7. Have you ever called a cousin YOU DON’T EVEN LIKE to ask about ‘mummy and daddy’ and to ask them to tell their daddy that ‘things are tait’ in school?
8. Have you ever fed yourself for an ENTIRE WEEK using the famous ‘I waka well’ technique?
“Ahannn Ignatius, long time – you’re frying egg and plantain? I didn’t even know sef. You just missed lectures and I said I should check up on you.”
9. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN SO BROKE YOU DONATED BLOOD SO THEY’LL GIVE YOU PUFF PUFF AND MALT?
Oh, I graduated with a silent Ph.D. in sufferhead. Chai.
10. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. There are levels to being poor oh. Wow. But here are some things poor people in denial do:
Yesterday, a YouTube video landed on Twitter that started the hashtag #BuhariStayWithUs is ‘trending’
The intro clip has President Buhari saying “what’s wrong with going on vacation?”
Vanguard Newspaper and Bella Naija say the video trended since it was shared on Twitter. The lyrics to the video are either gripping or annoying, depending on what kind of person you are
One line in the song says (to Buhari): ‘you still dey owe us change. So won’t you stayyyyy with ussss?’
Which made us ask the very important question: “Wait. Where is the president going?”
Apparently, the riper the fruit, the higher your chances of accidentally cutting yourself and (maybe) doing some serious nerve damage. Stay woke please!
If you’re as bothered as we are by this, here’s how to ensure you don’t get ‘Avocado Hand’:
When de-stoning the fruit, don’t use your own palm as the base. Use a flat surface instead. Be gentle when running the knife through the skin of the avocado – be extra careful if the fruit is very ripe. Remove the stone with a towel, or the blade of your knife. Keep your hands nice and safe, okay?
Do you remember those really cool jingles us 90’s babies grew up listening to?
You do? No, we don’t believe it! Prove it – take this quiz and defend your memory of our childhood days!
If you’ve been paying attention, you may have noticed that Africans in Africa have started producing their own content. We have African TV shows, African movies, Africa-focused fashion magazines, tech blogs, the whole shebang.
This is because Africans are SICK and TIRED of the sheer Westernization of our people and a lot of people are beginning to worry about the non-representation of Africans in the media. It’s just nice to turn on the TV and see someone who looks like you talk about the things you care about, you know? Not everytime espresso. Sometimes egusi and jollof (not necessarily simultaneously.)
Last week, we had an in-house challenge to watch some of our favorite foreign cartoons to see if Africans were represented somewhat and discovered something even more interesting – Nigerians HAVE been mentioned in foreign cartoons, and for notorious reasons.
After reading this, will you be amused, upset or downright furious? We’ll let you decide!
Rick and Morty
I had to watch this twice to get it, but there’s an episode where Rick is abducted by aliens who are trying to scam him into revealing the secret for making dark matter (yes, it’s a very science fictiony show).
In one scene, Rick is seen telling Morty “They are Zigerion scammers, Morty. The galaxy’s most ambitious, least successful scammers.”
In a Rick and Morty fan discussion forum, it has been confirmed that the word ‘Zigerion’ is a modification of ‘Nigerian’ and it was an allusion to Nigerians being scammers with ridiculous scam techniques.
(Random: the Zigerions were very uncomfortable with looking at the naked bodies of Rick and Morty.)
Family Guy
In this irreverent cartoon show that mocks popular culture, Peter Griffin’s Father-in-law, Carter Pewterschmidt is scammed by a ‘Nigerian Prince’ and angrily goes to Africa to bring justice to his scammers.
When he gets there, he discovers, in a stunning twist of fate, that the Nigerians have used his money to take care of the poor starving African orphans. He is celebrated as a hero for all the money he ‘sent’ to Nigeria.
(Bonus: ‘Family Guy’ depicted ‘Uber rides in Nigeria’ as villagers riding about on the back of a rhinoceros.)
The Simpsons
Brace yourself: this one has a lot of Nigerian scammer jokes, although the actual story isn’t about Nigerian scams.
In this episode, the King of Nigeria visits Nigeria and gives Homer Simpson the task of taking care of his daughter.
And Homer Simpson…misplaces her. Hilarity and Nigerian stereotypes ensue.
(Bonus: on the night this episode was released, it was the second most watched show on FOX, with 3.93 million views. Nigerians winning?)
Futurama
In this episode, Zoidberg receives a scam email and he rushes to tell his friends about it:
He tells them: “Friends, friends! His Majesty Prince Adisaraki O. Zoidberg of Nigeria died and according to this e-mail, I, Zoidberg, am his next of kin. Once I wire some good-faith money to an overseas bank account, I’ll inherit his kingdom, his canoe, and his plump young wife.
To which Hermes, one of his friends, says: “You dumb stumps. Don’t you realize you’re being scammed?”
In other news, here are our favorite cartoons from the 90’s (warning: a lot of memories are about to be unlocked):
So you’re sitting on your own, minding your business, listening to DavidO singing ‘THIRTY BILLION FOR THE ACCOUNT OH!’
And you’re there thinking about your last debit alert like
Next thing, your phone is ringing, so you pick up like
And somebody is telling you that you can make 200% more than what you currently earn. IN ONE WEEK!
So what do you do? You take the deal of course! Because Pastor said all those Blessings of Abraham are your own now
But you quickly realize this thing is not that straightforward oh. You have to Get Help from someone, who needs to Get Help From someone, who has to Get Help from another person before your own money can ‘complete’
Next thing you hear they’re freezing accounts and your hopes of joining Forbes list are slimming down quick
Your Investor Friend takes you on a date and tells you to keep the change #KeepTheChangeBae
Because you’re a smart person who learns from their mistakes, you ring up your happy investor friend like:
And they show you the beautiful mysteries of investing wisely and the joy that addeth no jibiti
Wise investments….like the ARM Money Market Fund
…because it’s a jungle out there and you always have to keep your eyes peeled (‘_’ )
We’re assuming you want more mileage for your kobo, and you want better financial security than you have right now.
Would you look at that?ARM Financial Advisers are offering free financial advice services to save you from yourself.
Send an email to: enquiries@arminvestmentcenter.com.
Not often. Stop lying. Here’s the thing though; you probably should do so often. Scratch that, you DEFINITELY should — every day.
Here are few reasons why:
2. You would not be here without her
3. She prays for you, even when you don’t remember her for days.
4. Because she always knows how to cheer you up.
5. She would do anything for you.
6. Remember when you broke your ankle (or was it your knee, your wrist or your skull – it’s got to be one of those) and she simply took care of you instead of getting mad? Big reason.
7. She helped you make sense of this menstrual pain business.
So …
You should totes show her you love and appreciate her this mother’s day.
Start by telling her you love her.
Use the free Knorr #MessageToMom webapp to send a message to mom this mother’s day. It will send a text to your mom and create a video of you and your mom that you can share on Facebook and Twitter too.
8. Send a #MessageToMom Now!
So go on, send a message. Send that message, person reading these words on their phone (or is it your computer?)
It’s the least you can do for a mom that has given up so much for you.
Do it.
Alright so one day I was ironing my dad’s shirts and watching the TV. A Christian show was on. Interesting one.
A bunch of sick people were gathered in this church awaiting healing from the pastor. The place was electrified! Screams and shouts, rah.
The pastor towered over them, muttering in his sweet voice. You could say the atmosphere was feeling miraculous at the time.
Bodyguards everywhere. Anticipation was crazy. I was watching with rapt attention.
Next thing: whoosh. The healing began. People were crying, laughing and screaming.
Bad ass. Pastor was wading through people and curing them like whoa. And he looked cool doing it!
…then he arrived at this woman standing at the back of the line.
“What do you want the Lord to do for you” he said, I guess.
Woman said “Healing for my son.”
“Where is he?”
She removed the baby from under her blouse. The only way to describe the ? is…his head had a head.
Pastor was like:
Baby was like:
I was like:
Pastor laid hands…
…sprinkled anointing oil…
…covered as much of the head’s surface area as his holy mantle could accommodate…
While this was happening, I was all like:
After a while the pastor moved on oh. Went to cure people with AIDS and blindness and cancer but as for that tumor?
The end. I burnt my father’s favorite shirt too, in case anyone wondered.
SMH
LET ME TELL YOU WHAT IT MEANS TO BE BROKE!!
Drinking garri while thinking about drinking garri same time next tomorrow.
“Ah, the toothpaste still remain – fit use am brush like three times sef”
Babe. You hurt me with the thing you did oh. You hurt me.
“Ahannn Ignatius, long time – you’re frying egg and plantain? I didn’t even know sef. You just missed lectures and I said I should check up on you.”
Oh, I graduated with a silent Ph.D. in sufferhead. Chai.
It’s a cut to the hand from trying to peel avocado pears with a knife. If you’ve ever tried to peel those things, you know how tricky it can be.
When de-stoning the fruit, don’t use your own palm as the base. Use a flat surface instead. Be gentle when running the knife through the skin of the avocado – be extra careful if the fruit is very ripe. Remove the stone with a towel, or the blade of your knife. Keep your hands nice and safe, okay?
President Buhari left for London on May 7 (for medical check up)
It doesn’t help at all that there are a lot of nasty rumors flying about.
Put the haters to shame, Daddy BuBu!
One of them said “if you want the president dead, you will be disappointed.” Ahan, has it reached like that?
Why so aggressive? We just want to know how our president is doing, you know?
“I don’t know.”
Is that too much to ask?
(Bonus: ‘Family Guy’ depicted ‘Uber rides in Nigeria’ as villagers riding about on the back of a rhinoceros.)
