If you’re not too proud to take this quiz, you can find out what percentage of pride is really hiding inside your heart:
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The Nigerian experience is physical, emotional and sometimes international. No one knows it better than our features on #TheAbroadLife, a series where we detail and explore Nigerian experiences while living abroad.
When it comes to life goals, ask the average Nigerian and they’ll tell you something along these three lines:
l’owo (have money)
L’ola (have wealth)
L’alaafia (have rest of mind)
Take those same Nigerian across the pond and the story stays largely the same. The elements of wealth and money being apparent, while peace of mind consists of everything that could give your mind rest and a little someone I like to call ‘the bone of yah bone.’
For Abroad Life this week, I spoke with a special little lady who doesn’t want to reveal herself just yet. Her time in the UK, pursuing her masters was a move to secure those first two bags and a chance to maybe get a little love in the mix. To her chances at love, the UK said, ‘haha, you thought’. She tells us about love and life in Manchester, and why the Femi you know in Abuja is better than the unattainable Denzel in the UK.
So give it to me straight. Over 10, what are the chances that a girl looking to move from the gold-chains of Femi and Nnamdi to cross over to the red passport side of Demarcus and Denzel, will be successful in the UK?
Hmm. About that…
Ghen
So it depends. If your individual luck is strong, or the anointing oil on your head is extra fortified, Denzel can show up on the day you land Heathrow oh.
I love these odds!
But realistically, trying to secure the bae in the UK? Let me just put your chances at … see, just give it like a strong 3/10.
Girl, I know these are not the odds you were facing when you were in school. I want to believe…
Be believing there.
Man, now I have to ask, what carried your legs to the UK?
It was for school. I was pursuing my masters in Information Systems and Management.
Oh nice. Definitely a course my mommy would be happy to tell her women’s group her child is studying. Was it difficult getting into school though?
Not at all! All the UK wants is your money actually.
The members of my ‘Japa 2021 IJN’ WhatsApp group are begging to differ right about now
No really. I handled my immigration process myself. All I did was identify the Uni, send my request to admissions. Forward the required documents, show proof of funds and you receive your conditional offer.
Apply for the visa and pay your fees. That was pretty much what I did.
Interesting! So when you got into the UK, and this is a random question — I know. Did you set your sights on any particular groups. Like say, strictly Nigerian men, or were you open to other nationalities?
Hm. I have to say I was open to anyone. I mean, I wouldn’t have minded a Nigerian right? You’ll share all these inside jokes, insult Nigeria together, that kind of thing. But I wasn’t pressed about that. Any nationality was good.
You were open to all nationalities and the odds are still 3/10? Sister, we need to pray
Hahaa!
So I imagine you spent most of your time in school. What was the population mix like? Were there a lot of Nigerians, hispanics?…
Oh man, it was very multi-cultural. But you see Nigerians? They were everywhere. We were a lot!
My people, my people
Look! We were so many, the student accommodation I was in was called ‘Nigerian embassy.’ There was a high population of Nigerians on the NDDC scholarship, so that definitely contributed to our numbers.
Oh, we’ve heard about the Nigerian government’s international scholarships, great to know they are still being given out.
Now, I’m being nosy as hell, but what was the dating scene in school?
Funny, I actually don’t know oh. I was barely in school. I had classes just three times a week, so it was very laid back. Most times I was in the city center, shopping. Or eating or maybe getting some work done.
Ehen! That’s why now. I don’t know what Information Systems is about, but they didn’t teach you anything about strategic positioning?
Haha, what is happening?
Sis, that’s why you’re isolating in Abuja and your Denzel is in Manchester chilling somewhere. How would Denzel have found you when you were hiding away from the school campus? Tut tut
That one sef dey oh!
Haha. So let me go away from the men to ask about life in Manchester in general. Wait, you’ve been back in Nigeria how long now?
About two years
Okay. So what do you miss the most about your old stomping ground?
Where to begin? Night life!
Spill!
Look, clubbing abroad is a whole other ball game. Forget Lagos where everyone is trying to out-bottle the next guy. Here, you just take your pints in peace. Nobody’s stressing you. But if you’re about that life, there were Nigerian clubs you could go and shoki in. It was just a great blend.
*Two-minute break into the abyss and wonder when corona will let us do group shokis again*
Sniff, night life is painful to talk about right now. What else did you like about Manchester?
The city centre – there were so many stores to shop from!
Spendinggg
Then restaurants. My favourite was Hawksmoor. The entire deansgate has everything fun – from gay clubs to hotels and fancy restaurants.
And of course everything was convenient. Like you could order food at any time of the day or night. Move about freely with your bus pass or taxi app or even the black cabs. It was just a nice place to be. No two ways about it.
I get it! Now, let’s see how the people of Manchester helped your odds. How would you describe them?
Hmm. I’ll be honest. There was some casual racism.
Disappointed but not surprised
It would be snide comments here and there, nothing too in your face, that you somehow start to second guess that you experienced racism at all. But these weren’t too common. They happened, but it wasn’t an overwhelming experience.
I get that
So there was that population. I never had much to do with the older population and interacted mostly with the millenials. So I have largely positives when remembering my time in Manchester.
Got it. So I have to ask about that 3/10 because it’s paining my soul on your behalf. Who saved that number from being a string 0/10?
That’s how they ask oh. No one asked me out when I was abroad except for this Pakistani guy.
Spill this tea!
So I went indoor skydiving this fine day oh, that’s how…
…Oh no way you’d find any Nigerians doing white people shit like that!
Haha, defs oh! So yeah, he was with his group of friends. He approached me and I was like, this was interesting. It didn’t work out at the end of the day, but it was interesting sha.
Interesting indeed
The truth is, if you’re looking to be with a Nigerian man, they are in high demand outside the country. To get one, you almost have to start moving with white girls to get noticed.
Wow! Really have to hang with the Karens to get Ikechukwu’s notice. Who would have thought?
Funny thing is, I know of people that became active in church. Started posting on their Snapchat and Instagram stories, attending Nigerian parties. But the truth is, Nigerian men are trying to secure their own bag and red passport. You can’t even blame him if he’s looking for a permanent ticket into the country.
Phew. This sounds like stress, good thing you left. So since you returned to Nigeria, what’s that love life been looking like?
Hmm, I’ve been here two years now as it is now oh, Abuja’s dating pool is full to the brim. Abort mission if you’re planning on coming here after the pandemic. I’ve told you.
Want more Abroad Life? Check in every Friday at 9 A.M. (WAT) for a new episode. Until then, read every story of the series here.
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On any given day and twice on Sundays, caring for your natural hair and having it look fairly presentable no be anyhow beans. Throw in caring for your hair in the middle of a pandemic that scares you from outsourcing any parts of your care routine, and you have your work cut out for you.
If you’ve suddenly found yourself thrown into the role of hair guru in this crazy period, we know what that’s all about:
How you watch YouTube videos for the correct steps to take during wash day
Okay pre-poo, section hair. I get it, I get it.
Your bathroom when you’re done mixing up all the honey, eggs and other hair treatment products for your deep conditioning
Who knew this work was so hard?
Sucking at your first attempt to twist your hair and waking up with 8 out of 12 loosened twists
And you people said there’s justice in the world.
How the mess in your room makes you feel after making the terrible decision to comb your hair out and twist it in there.
Who sent you work?
How sad you get when you remember you were playing ten-ten when other girls were learning to braid in the form
See my life on the streets
How you prep yourself the first time you attempt braids
You can do it girl!
The braids when you start them
E for effort
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After defeating the little leagues of your siblings stealing your meat and bedwetting at sleepovers, the final evil boss of your childhood was probably having to deal with the menace that is chores.
From graduating from having chore time tables, to being responsible for the cleanliness and order of your own apartment, we can attest 100% that chores are the ghetto and will be forming a We Hate Chores So Much, Make Them Stop Club in protest. Who has a plug at the CAC?
To show how seriously we’re taking this, we made a list of all the reasons chores suck, feel free to add some more in the comments:
The feels when you’re happily playing football in the compound and hearing your mother call you to come and clean the toilet window
If I run away now, they’ll say I’m doing too much.
Breaking the speed of light to sweep the sitting room after hearing your mommy pull up after wasting time all day
Who didn’t do this?
Getting ready to actually cook for the house, then someone tells you to cook for the house
Don’t tell me what to do!
How you feel after picking up one piece of paper that was littering the compound
You deserve the rest
Your clothing options after you refused to do laundry for 37 weeks and all your clothes are in the laundry basket
See your life on the streets
You and your stomach waiting to see who will give up first after refusing to cook
We shall see
When you complain to your friends about hating chores and they advise you to outsource it
In which economy sis?
Living alone and realising your chores won’t do themselves if you don’t get to them
The injustice!
But for real, who has CAC plug for our club? Link us in the comments.
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I’ve always suspected the reason I am so trash at dancing but so good at picking the ripest agbalumos is because while they were sharing dancing talents, I was teaching people the right ways to eye the agbalumo to get it sweet.
Since then, I’ve suffered a lot of disgrace in the presence of my friends and family members who like to embarrass me with dance moves, like they narrowly missed being back up dancers on Naira Marley’s crew.
For my fellow dancing duds, I see you, I hear you. I’ve also poorly attempted to electric slide with you. We’ve all experienced at least two of these scenarios. How many have you suffered through:
Dancing like this for slow songs during those birthday parties you went to as a child
Unbreak my heart, show me love me again. 1…2 step.
Getting bounced from birthday party dance competitions, even though you put your all into it when ‘turn me on’ came on
Why were we listening to these songs again?
Pretending you don’t care about all the new dances but secretly practising them in your room
Why is this azonto not clicking. Why isn’t it clicking???
When you’re at the club and they’re having a dance battle, but can only do your own little dance moves on the chair
There’s the shoulder shake, the hand fan, the clap and look away. Underrated moves you know.
Everytime they come up with a new dance
Na wa oh
Your face when you’re at a wedding reception and you see the dance moves the couple have to make before entering the hall
Who thought this was a good idea?
Telling everyone you just want a small wedding. Court preferably because you really don’t want to deal with the stress of doing all that dancing at the ceremony.
Yeah, let’s just do something small. No clapping either okay. Let’s not build any kind of rhythm during the ceremony.
Looking back at the Instagram stories of you and your friends after attempting to bust a move during last night’s rocks
The horror.
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Still on my personal lockdown which isn’t ending anytime this year or maybe even next — I have taken to asking my friends the most inane questions every week, to pass the time. Two weeks ago it was if they’d rather have walrus canines for teeth or horse’s feet for legs (Think about it!).
Last week, it was the probability of Nigerians eating aliens before they even get the chance to ask for our supreme leaders (before you say no, remember those whales that got eaten). Now this week, it’s a maybe sixty-something old question that I decided to throw out, simply asking: which day Nigeria go get light? Here’s what they had to say.
Never going to happen – Onyi
That’s it oh. There’s no long talk. It’s just never going to happen. If in the middle of a pandemic, the senate can cut the health budget by almost half, but spend 27 billion on renovating a building that doesn’t need it, then that’s all you need to know. It’s never going to be a pressing enough matter for the government because Nigerians have been coping well enough all these years, why should they use their own small 8 years to solve a national crisis? They have trips to take.
So nope, never going to happen.
It may happen, but not in my lifetime – Damola
The funny thing is, people might say I’m an eternal optimist, but I really think Nigeria is going to get it right one of these days. It’s not going to be in my lifetime, and I’m young (25, for any ladies interested), so nobody should be hoping for 24/7 light as 2021 new year’s gift from the government.
I think the shame of being so far behind might eventually just get to them. If Somalia can have constant electricity, what exactly is our excuse. But then again, for this to work, I have to imagine the government feels shame… see, I don’t actually know about the light thing. Let’s be seeing.
Unless you people have another Nigeria you’re hiding in Cotonou’s back, nope – Femisire
If there’s another Nigeria somewhere in Cotonou, then maybe yes. But as long as it is the Nigerian I’ve spent 26 years living in oh, me, I’m going to tell you for free that you shouldn’t waste your time waiting for the government to give you constant electricity. Get your gen on lock, I heard that solar power isn’t the worst. But if you’re praying for one miracle to touch somebody’s heart to use his flex money, aka tax payer’s money to fix this light issue. Good luck oh.
I 100% believe Nigeria will have constant electricity one day – Tinuke
I’m speaking as a person of faith. Nigeria will have constant electricity one day. I can’t tell you when, it’s hard to give a definite date. But let me tell you, the plans God has for this country will confuse the naysayers and anyone that has spent their lifetimes confused at its current state. Just wait, the turn around is coming.
I’m half and half – Kolawole
Part of me doesn’t think Nigeria will ever get to the point of constant electricity. But the other part is so scared at the reality of us never reaching even that feat, that I have to be hopeful that one day, it will be a reality.
Truthfully, I don’t know that this light issue will ever be be cleared in my lifetime, but I just have to hope that it will be.
What do you guys think?
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There are very few things that aren’t better enjoyed when shared. Happiness, good news, problems. Okay, a wrapping of suya might be one exception, but you get the idea.
When it came to flogging in Nigerian secondary schools — and we mean actual Nigerian secondary schools, not those mini-resorts that didn’t believe in violence against children — even that was better shared. Especially with the whole class, or in particularly bad cases, the whole set.
We’ll be focusing on the terror of an all-class members beat down because why not reminisce on past trauma while living through a current one?Enjoy!
How the whole class reacts when the Math teacher tells everybody to stand up to answer the complicated ass question, on a subject he literally just taught
Now how the hell are we supposed to know the square root of a rectangular triangular after three minutes of explanation?
The way the tension builds when the teacher goes row by row, and yet no seat can produce a math champion
I give everyone 5 seconds to answer this question. 5, 4, 3
The way the cane chesters come through after he starts asking students to jump out one by one
We’re sure all the cane chesters that made sure to never react to pain, are living well-adjusted lives now.
Every class had those students that would always run to the back of the other classmates when it came flogging time
Why are you running? Why are you running?
Then there were the special ones that would hold up the flogging queue, using sixty-seven minutes to take two strokes of cane
Move sis, you in deh way!
Every class had fakers. These ones would go to the front of the line and pretend they’ve already been flogged. Theatrics and all
You know the ones
There were those classmates that would have cried for every single class member before even a drop of cane touches their body
Bruh, school was so traumatising.
Then those special students that would wait for the whole class to help them echo that they were sicklers or had an underlying medical condition, so they wouldn’t get flogged
School was traumatising Part 2
But for the really sharp ones, you’d have escaped class the minute the math teacher started asking questions and turned that class into a free period
It’s not me you’ll kill for my mother
Which student were you?
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A few hundred years ago, before we all became part of the downright digusting ghetto, that is the adult hood…
… We were all happy-go-lucky children. Our biggest worries learning about the different layers of the ear and trying not to mess up quadratic equations. Those were some good ass times.
Those were also the times we attempted to kickstart our little fashion careers. We put together a list of some of the most notable fashion trends Nigerian secondary school students from 10+ rocked the hell out of and littered the streets of Hi5, Facebook and Bebo with.
Sagging
Were you cool if the world wasn’t one mischievous classmate pulling down your pants, away from meeting your ass crack?
Lip gloss
If your wet lips couldn’t double as cooking oil for food and but practicals, were you even popping?
Plaster on the face
Triple OGs knew what this was about.
Those big face customized belts
Nothing says cool, like your government name sitting pretty on your waist line.
Bedazzled phones
Phew, those flip phones shined their asses off mid 2000s
Handbags for school bags
If this didn’t happen in your set, we will now be separating the Gen Z-ers from the millenials.
All back with zigzag
Alicia Keys, you do not know how you revolutionised aall-back in Nigerian schools girl.
Customised shirts
These were everywhere!
Belt chains on regular uniform trousers
This was for baddies only!
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On June 3rd, 2020, smack in the middle of a pandemic that’s kicking even the most advanced countries’ asses — Nigeria, of growing infection numbers and ‘mysterious deaths’, decided to cut its health budget to focus on a more important area: the renovation of its national assembly building with ₦27 bn.
Because where best to write ‘National Ass’ than at the top of a needlessly expensive and deeply unnecessary structure? (Somebody take out the lights oat the National Assembly when it’s completed and make this a thing? Jk, jk👀)
As you may know, no one has really given AF about oil (the bread, butter, bread knife, plate and side dish of the Nigerian economy) for a hot minute. This is because of the coronavirus, whose preventive measures have mandated isolation, leaving people and their gas-guzzling automobiles confined to their homes.
Nigeria and its broke ass, as a matter of urgency had to adjust its budget for the year, because the reduced oil demand automatically translates to reduced earnings. This is how Part 9257 of the Nigerian government’s idiocy came on display.
Last year, the government with the highest percentage of extremely poor people, okayed the renovation of the National Assembly building for ₦35 bn. It was a stupid idea then, and its markdown to ₦27 bn doesn’t change it now.
More enraging is the fact that the health budget, from a could-be-better ₦44 bn, to a downright unforgivable ₦25 billion. Our government, in the middle of a pandemic, whose initial isolation centers had to be largely funded from private hands, decided a ₦19 billion cut was the right move to make?
Thankfully, the amount of Nigerians that think the government has lost the entirety of its mind with this move, full ground. Here are some reactions on Twitter to the health budget cut:
Oh, did we mention the education budget got a cut from ₦111 bn to ₦51 bn? Budget that we could have shocked by sharing the money for this renovation around key sectors. Nonsense and ingredient.
If you can, let the discontent in your voice be heard. Speak out against the government’s move on social media or anywhere you have some influence and while doing so, go a few decibels higher to spread the word on how #justiceforvictims of rape in Nigeria can be enforced.
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When it comes to navigating difficult terrain, there’s nobody better than a Nigerian young adult to make a way out of it.
From learning to dodge slaps, to perfecting the right speech speed and cadence to talk yourself out of a beating, the Nigerian youth is skilled in the art of getting away from the worst circumstances.
Well, that is unless you have -0 fucks to give and you’re ready for all the smoke Nigerian parents and the most judgy of Nigerian aunties can throw your way. Which brings us round to a special section of Nigerian people. The ones with all the mind in the world. If you’re wondering who makes the cut, here’s a list of people whose bravery in their Nigerian homes must come specially sent from the gods, because e no too make sense:
Daring to enter your mother’s sitting room with coloured hair
Doesn’t matter if she’s there or not. Just thinking it’s an okay thing to do is problematic.
Smoking in front of your parents
This does not apply to sometime African giants sha.
Having very obvious tattoos
If you never had to wear a wrist watch to sleep or wear a t-shirt in crazy Nigerian heat to cover your tattoos, you are who we’re talking about.
Rocking leg chains in full view of your Nigerian father
Anyone know what it is about leg chains that gets everyone so worked up?
Dreadlocks. That’s the line
Hmm. In a Nigerian home? Big energy.
Drinking publicly
And we’re even talking about the small stuff. How will Deacon take it if she sees you drinking can Orijin in the roof she was so kind to provide to you?
Sporting obvious piercings
Yeah, we’re going to ask you to give us some of that excess mind you have over there.