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The race is on. It’s operation “Find love before Valentine’s Day”. Whether you intend to do that by entering someone else’s relationship isn’t the focus today. The focus is making sure your Valentine is a corporate girlie for these key reasons.
You won’t need to go over the top
She’ll be at work on Valentine’s Day, so no need to worry about spending the day at a resort or any crazy thing like that. What about after work, you ask? Traffic and the stress of capitalism will mean all she wants to do is sleep. Same applies to the weekend. Just get her a gift box and call it a day.
Or break the bank
She’ll appreciate anything you give her because she’s working class; she knows what it means to collect salary today and go broke the next.
You can easily be intentional with your gifts
Why buy a corporate girlie flowers when you can gift her a keg of fuel or bag of rice, and she’ll love you forever?
Behold our Valentine Special
We brought back three couples we interviewed in 2019 to share how their relationships have evolved in the last five years. This is the first episode:
You’ll get a gift too
One thing about corporate girlies is they aren’t stingy. Even if it’s singlet and boxers they can afford, best believe you’ll get something.
You can cheat in peace
Another good thing about her having to work on Valentine’s Day is you’ll have the time to take your other babes out. The “C” in corporate girlie stands for “considerate”. They just want to see other babes win too.
They won’t have time to cheat
The fact that she even has time to date you with all she has going on is commendable. If she ever gets tired of your cheating ass, she won’t even bother to do you back. She’ll just leave.
You’ll level up by force
How would you be with a corporate girlie and you aren’t killing it in your own field too? They aren’t about the mediocre life. So beyond Valentine’s Day, you’ll definitely level up or go home.
In case your corporate girlie search doesn’t work out, you can always make your boss your Valentine and try these gift options: 8 Totally Appropriate Things to Gift Your Boss for Valentine’s Day
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We got seven relationship people to share the dumbest things they’ve done for love and their stories are the only proof you need to confirm that truly, “Na mumu dey fall in love.”
But February is the only month in the year when we don’t judge people who have been, and are still, a fool for love.
Funmi*, 30
I went to undo my locs within 24 hours of getting it done because my guy at the time didn’t like it. My locs should be six years old now, but because of that stupid boy — whom I later found out had a series of ongoing relationships inside our relationship — they are now only three years old.
Dotun*, 28
I bought a dinner dress for my girlfriend with part of my school fees. Then I gave her my brand new phone and lied to my brother that it was stolen with my school fees. He gave me all his salary for the month and still got a new phone for me. She was my second girlfriend, and I intended to marry her three years after school. That never happened.
Feyi*, 31
Because of love, I travelled from Porto Novo (the Capital of the Benin Republic) to Ile-Ife at about 5 p.m. We got to the Sagamu interchange at about 10 p.m., and there was an ongoing armed robbery on the road. Nobody knew I was in Nigeria. My parents thought I was in Porto Novo… na me still end the relationship las las.
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Barakat*, 28
I borrowed ₦200k through a loan app for a guy I was dating. It ended in breakfast, and I never got my money back from him. It took me four months to repay the debt, and we had even stopped talking before I could complete it.
Damola*, 33
I travelled to Lagos from Ekiti to visit my man, but I didn’t get to see him until after three days. I was all alone in his house. When he finally came, he started ordering me around, and I obeyed every command. I cooked, cleaned, warmed water for his bath, and then he went out, saying he might not return that day. At no point did he ask how I was or how the trip to Lagos was. I always feel like slapping myself anytime I remember letting a man treat me like that.
Fisayo*, 24
I came to Lagos from Ife to visit a boy without informing my parents that I was back in town. My uncle saw me, but he wasn’t sure it was me after I denied him. He dialled my number on the spot, but thankfully, my phone wasn’t with me. I was holding a phone, so that was enough to convince him I was someone else. He went on and on about how God created people in twos.
John*, 48
I left Lagos for Osogbo on a Friday evening after work to pay my girlfriend a surprise visit at her school. Got there and met another dude in her hostel room. From the looks of it, they were cohabiting and were an item. She said he was her cousin who was squatting till he got his own hostel apartment, but it was an obvious lie. We all slept on the same bed together, and I left the next morning feeling like a grade 1 mumu man.
If you relate to this, you should read this story: 7 Things You Need if You Ever Want To Find True Love in Lagos
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If you know nothing about romance, this quiz may seems like a personal attack. Step aside and let the romantic ones do their thing.
Take quiz:
Questions
This is a question
“I return my pen into the basket of love” means what?
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There’s no bromance without romance. So while you might be paying that saxophonist to serenade your lover and annoy their co-workers, consider doing something for your bro this Valentine’s Day.
Here are some affordable and super thoughtful options:
₦10k cash in new naira notes
Before we go too far, have you considered giving your bro this ₦10k in crisp ₦1000 notes? In case you don’t know, the naira note is almost as scarce as the dollar these days. So make your friend’s life easier by being his personal Meffy baby.
A framed picture of his dream house
Since you can’t buy your friend his dream house, why not buy a picture of said house, frame it and give that to him today? This way, he’ll be gingered to double his hustle to afford the house every time he sees your gift. A good friend motivates in the face of sapa.
Tinder premium subscription
Who knows, your friend might find love on Tinder and make you his best man. Then at the wedding reception, you get to tell the story of how he met his bride on the dating app you paid for. Think ahead.
A PS5 stand
I get it. Your friend doesn’t have a PS3, four or five. But it’s the thought that counts, not the practicality of your gift.
5-in-one shampoo, conditioner, face wash, deodoriser and body wash
His babe already got him that casted 3-in-one shampoo, body wash and conditioner. While it shouldn’t be a competition between you and his madam, nothing stops you from going the extra mile with this thoughtful gift.
RECOMMENDED: We Hooked Up Before We Became Best Friends — Edem and Chide
A teddy bear
Boys need stuffed animals to cuddle too. Just because we grew up doesn’t mean we don’t miss our Pokemon and Barney teddies. Help your bro connect with his inner child today.
Ashawo shorts
The shorter the shorts, the better. Only enemies of progress buy shorts that touch the knees for their best friend. I’d like you to ponder on this for a minute: are you the weapon fashioned against your guy? You’d get him briefs disguised as short shorts if you’re not an opp.
₦10k fuel
Queuing at the petrol station to buy a keg for your friend is the highest form of intimacy in the year of our Lord, 2023. Go the extra mile so your friend can go a few more miles in their car.
Creamy pasta
Nigerian babes are not the only ones obsessed with creamy pasta. Whether or not we want to admit it, we men love some thick creamy penne pasta. The only difference is we don’t order it seven days a week. Buy your guy pasta, but remind him he has to pay for delivery because ₦10k can’t perform magic.
Flowers
Miley Cyrus asked us to be independent and buy ourselves flowers, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t treat your best friend to a beautiful-smelling bouquet today.
ALSO READ: My Bro: 8 of the Most-Read Stories of 2022
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Some say it’s the most wonderful time of the year. And while some girls are saying “awwww” at the gifts they received, others will be serving their partners breakfasts soon because they couldn’t pepper people on Obasanjo’s internet.
But regardless of what your case might be, do you know that there are some valentine’s gifts that can earn you prison time in Nigeria?
On February 10, 2023, the Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN) announced that money bouquets and money cakes are forms of Naira abuse. And according to Section 21 of the Central Bank of Nigeria Act, 2007, anyone found guilty of this offence is liable to six months imprisonment or a fine of ₦50,000.
But these aren’t the only forms of Naira abuse. Let’s take a look at the others.
Spraying money
Asking Nigerians not to spray money at a party is like telling us Ghanaian jollof is better. Many people would give you the side eye if you said to them that it’s a form of abuse and illegal.
Why? For many years, no one could point to anyone being punished for breaking this law, at least until very recently.
On February 1, 2023, a Nigerian actress, Oluwadarasimi Omoseyin, was arrested by the Independent Corrupt Practices Commission (ICPC) after a video of her spraying and stepping on the new Naira notes circulated on the internet. She’s still in custody in Kirikiri prison, awaiting her trial on February 15, 2023.
Defacing the Naira
It’s against the law to write or stain the Naira with oil or ink. The banknotes are supposed to be regarded as sacred, but we’ve turned them into jotters to help us note things down quickly. This is a serious offence coupled with the fact that this habit reduces the durability of the banknotes, which would cost the CBN billions to replace.
Selling the Naira
If we had a working country, many POS agents would be serving jail time now. Since the issue of the Naira scarcity, Nigerians have had no choice but to “buy” money at different rates from them. According to the CBN act, selling banknotes is illegal, but perhaps Meffy has decided to ignore this law for now, given his hand in the crisis we’re facing.
Rejecting the Naira
Many Lagosians have almost lost an eye because a conductor rejected their money. But according to Section 20 subsection 5 of the CBN Act, it’s against the law to reject our banknotes.
So don’t be scared whenever you’re on a bus and the conductor tries to reject your money. He can’t; the law literally backs you. The only issue is you might have to get used to using one eye, but at least you defended your rights.
And for my fellow single pringles on Valentine’s Day, love might be in the air, but it’s time for us to show how much we can hate.
Send a picture of that person that received a money bouquet today to the CBN so they can learn the sacredness of our Naira notes.
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You can still find love before Valentine’s day. Take this quiz, and we’ll give you a pick-up line to land your dream partner.
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We already know you have coconut head, and that’s why you chose to fall in love after all our warnings. But still forget about celebrating Valentine for any of these valid reasons.
You’re broke
Do you know how much a single rose is? Have you seen the price tags on those Valentine packages? Even boxers and singlets are now expensive. If you know what’s good for you, cancel your plans.
No cash
Anything worth doing is worth doing well. So except you don’t mind trekking to the date venue or washing plates when your bank’s network disappears again, better cancel everything and sleep.
No fuel
If you manage to get cash, you’ll spend most of it on transport for you or the gift you want to send.
Love is wicked
Brick and Lace warned you, but you didn’t hear. Burna Boy predicted it’d end in breakfast, nothing. Even Omah Lay broke commandments for love that still ended in tears. Carry your slippers and run.
It’s just overrated
Every February 14, the same thing. Flowers, babalawo red and fornication. Aren’t you tired?
Your partner is cheating
Your partner didn’t fall asleep last night because they were with their actual partner. So please, why are you planning a surprise for them? Don’t be surprised when they make up an excuse to spend Valentine with their real partner.
Election is coming
Elections are just a few weeks away, and you’re thinking about love? Do you even have your PVC? SMH.
READ NEXT: Be a Vacuum. Air People This Valentine
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Because why waste money buying a gift when you can give yourself instead?
