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  • Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 27-year-old lesbian who describes herself as a pleaser. She talks to us about discovering her sexuality, sleeping with many women to make up for what she’s missed, how kissing has never felt right and learning she has better sex when she’s not being touched. 

    Tell me about your first sexual experience

    I was 14 years old when I kissed a boy for the first time. He attended my church, and during the children’s vigil, we snuck into the bathroom and kissed. I didn’t know what to expect, but the kiss felt wet. It wasn’t magical or special. It just felt like someone’s mouth touched my own. On the other hand, he was smiling from ear to ear. I went along with it, but everything about it felt so wrong. 

    I thought it was because I didn’t know how kissing worked, so I kept kissing different boys. Every single time, I was met with disappointment. I knew it couldn’t have been them. There’s no single way every boy I kissed from when I was 14 till when I was 19 was terrible. I knew it was a me thing. I just didn’t know how. 

    What happened at 19? 

    That’s when I switched it up and kissed a woman for the first time. That day, I had gone out with a guy and had another disappointing kiss, so I was complaining to my roommate. I told her how this is something that’s been happening since I was 14 and that maybe I just couldn’t kiss right. She told me that maybe I needed to learn how to kiss properly. Then, she offered to teach me. I agreed and she kissed me. 

    The thing with kissing her is it, sure, it was a mouth touching mine and it was still wet, but the kiss felt different. I always knew my roommate was attractive; kissing her made me very aware of just how attractive she was. 

    When she pulled away, she told me I was probably overthinking it because I’m an amazing kisser. I’d like to think that kiss was what began my descent into discovering I was a lesbian. It’s just that it was a slow process. 

    RELATED: Sex Life: I Didn’t Think It Was Cheating if It Was With a Woman

    Why was it a slow process? 

    Well, lesbianism isn’t something a lot of people talk about. I hear more about being a gay man than being a lesbian. Whenever women act in anaffectionate way towards each other, it’s always written off as women being women. But if a man so much as smiles at another man, the word “gay” is thrown around a lot. It’s not like I didn’t know lesbianism existed. It’s just that when I was considering my options, it didn’t come to mind. Add the fact that I dress very feminine, nobody was moving to me or throwing the L word around me. Very distressing times. 

    That’s why I didn’t try to kiss a woman again until two years after I kissed the first one. And just like the first time, it was a friend who wanted to help me out. After I narrated my problem to a friend of mine, she told me maybe I was going about it all wrong and promised to introduce me to someone who might help. Turns out the someone was a woman she knew. I was confused at first, but my friend explained that maybe I was just kissing the wrong gender. I remembered the kiss my former roommate and I shared and decided to see this through. The woman and I talked a lot that night. When she asked me to come back to her place, I agreed without a second thought. I had sex that night for the first time, and I am so glad I didn’t do it with a man. 

    How was it? 

    Well, I didn’t know anything I was doing because I had never gone past kissing men and giving them handjobs. But she was so patient with me, kind too. She asked me questions throughout. When there was blood and I panicked a bit, she just removed the sheets and gave me a bath. It was the softest experience I had ever had. I enjoyed every minute of it. Maybe that’s why I didn’t want to leave her house. 

    Before, I thought I was a prude who wouldn’t enjoy sex, but something woke up in me that day. I was unstoppable. I wanted her to teach me everything she knew and she was more than happy to indulge me. I think she found my curiosity sexy. When I was leaving her house after living there for a couple of days, I made a promise to myself that I’d never go back to doing anything sexual with men. That was also the day I called myself a lesbian for the first time. 

    RELATED: Sex Life: Sex Felt Like an Exam I Had to Pass

    Wow. Were you able to keep your promise? 

    Yes! The only problem was there was a bit of involuntary celibacy on my part. It was difficult to find women to talk to without putting yourself in danger. The woman I had sex with for the first time left Nigeria soon after. Turns out she only visited occasionally, and I was back in square one. 

    So, I started befriending the extremely “masculine” women who people actually threw the L word at. I was determined to fix my involuntary celibacy. 

    Did you? 

    Tough times never last, only tough people do! And I am a tough babe. I knew I had a lot to learn and by befriending these women, I learnt it and found community at the same time. With every new woman I slept with, it felt like I discovered something new about myself. At 23, I learnt I loved performing oral sex. That same year, I let someone use a strap-on with me for the first time, and I used one with someone else too. 

    I think after discovering I was a lesbian, I tried to fit everything I had missed into a couple of years of sleeping with different women. Once a partner wanted to try something, I was down with it. But after two years of sleeping with everyone and their mums, I found something I liked and stuck to it. 

    Tell me about it

    I linked up with a woman all my friends told me not to because she was a “pillow princess”. Apparently, she did none of the work and just wanted to be fucked until she couldn’t walk. I was curious. I had never actually met one of those before. I wanted to see what it was like. 

    When we linked up, she refused to touch me. I felt like I had to earn her approval and it was very sexy. Every single time she had an orgasm, I got more turned on, and I didn’t stop until she couldn’t move. When she finally kissed me and touched my breasts, I had my only orgasm of the day. But it didn’t feel like it was just one because it was so strong I had to take a breather. 

    When she got into a relationship, I started looking for women who could reciprocate that exact feeling with me, Before we’d have sex, I’d tell them not to touch me until they felt I had earned it. I found myself gravitating towards “pillow princesses”. A lot of them think I’m bluffing because they’re not used to feminine women who enjoy pleasing, but it makes it even more fun for me.

    It’s not like I don’t like being touched. I’d just rather not be. Knowing my partner’s having a great time is really all I need. If they tell me I didn’t earn their touch, I would go home and masturbated. 

    Rate your sex life on a scale of 1-10

    9. I wish I had figured it all out earlier. But now, I’ve done all my exploring and my girlfriend and I are having really great sex. She understands my need to not be touched, and it works perfectly for her.

    RELATED: Sex Life: My Goal Is to Pleasure Myself Not to Orgasm

    READ ALSO: Sunken Ships: We Should’ve Been Friends Before We Dated

  • Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 31-year-old woman who didn’t have sex until her wedding night. She talks about how her relationship with God was why she waited till marriage, and how she married, to have sex.  

    Tell me about your first sexual experience

    When I was 12, I had this neighbour who was a year older than me. We grew up together, so I used to go to his house daily. On one of such days, he played a CD that turned out to be porn. We watched for a bit, and then started making out. It happened three to four times over the span of a couple of months. 

    Did it ever progress past kissing? 

    It never did. 

    Why? 

    I’m a very religious Christian and waiting till marriage is my service to God. I wasn’t saving myself for a man; I was just doing what God wanted me to do. 

    In fact, in my university, people were taking a “covenant of purity”, but I didn’t because I thought it was unnecessary. Most of the people who were taking the covenant weren’t even serious about it. After they took the covenant, you could see them getting hot and heavy in corners. For me, waiting till marriage was about honouring God, and I knew I didn’t need a covenant to do that. I waited for the right time, but it wasn’t easy. 

    RELATED: Sex Life: Religious Guilt Made Me Suppress My High Sex Drive

    Tell me about it 

    I tried to date only Christians, but I realised not every Christian was interested in saving themselves till marriage. When I dated those men and made out with them, I felt a little guilty, but the guilt was never overwhelming. 

    My relationship with God is a very loving one, so I spoke to Him a lot about the temptations I felt. I reminded myself of Christ’s work for me and how the life I live actually belongs to Him. I learnt about Jesus from the point of a Father, not just as a Lord and Master, even though He is. 

    So, did you stick to it? 

    Yes, I did! The first time I had sex was on my wedding night at 27. It almost didn’t even happen because we were both exhausted. Before then, many of my friends who had already gotten married shared stories about their wedding night with me. Some said they couldn’t have sex until months after, and I said it would not be me. I refuse! 

    But the wedding day came, and there was so much going on, we were so exhausted. It was so bad that we couldn’t even stay more than 30 minutes at the after-party our friends organised for us. When we got to the hotel, we just had our baths and dozed off. That’s when one strange breeze blew, and we were awake. Next thing, we were having sex. 

    Just like that? What was the sex like? 

    The sex was amazing. It was a bit painful because it was my first time, but he was gentle and soft. It made the experience incredibly intimate. He asked questions and I guided him on what worked and what didn’t. 

    RELATED: Sex Life: My Husband Taught Me Everything I Know About Sex

    Was waiting with him easy? 

    Of course not. There was even a time I had to stop going to his house for three months because the temptation was choking us. Looking at each other and spending a lot of time together was making it harder. 

    However, it wasn’t as bad because we wanted the same things. Unlike me, he wasn’t a virgin, but he was celibate in his last relationship and wanted to wait with me in this one. We checked each other and knew when not to go too far and when not to be alone. 

    I like to joke that we got married so we could have sex. We were everything without the need for marriage. He was my companion and soulmate. The only thing missing was sex. That’s why after a year and ten months, we dragged ourselves to the altar.

    Love it. How’s the sex now? 

    I’m having so many orgasms. There’s something so special about having sex with someone you love, someone who always wants you to be satisfied. It’s magic. 

    Do you ever wish you didn’t wait? 

    Not at all! I’m a very emotional person, and sex can be very vulnerable. I wouldn’t want to share that part of myself with just anyone. 

    So, on a scale of 1-10, what’ll you rate your Sex Life? 

    One million. I’m having the time of my life. I’ve been having sex with the same person for four years, but it feels like magic each time. I love it. 

    RELATED: Sex Life: I Was No Longer Scared of Being Sexual in God’s Presence

    READ ALSO: Sunken Ships: My Cousin Grew Up

  • The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 23-year-old woman who loves giving blowjobs. She talks about her curiosity about what made men tick, not enjoying sex because she couldn’t tell them what made her tick, finding her voice and how it helped her prioritise her sexual health. 

    Tell me about your first sexual experience

    I was 18, and it was with a secondary school crush of mine. I went over to his house to chill, we started making out, I don’t know what initiated it, but I do know I wanted to give him a blowjob. I had never given one before. All I knew about it, I learned from porn. But that didn’t stop me from trying. He kept complimenting me on how good it was and for not using teeth. He also returned the favour by giving me head; a win-win situation. The only downside was having a sore throat days later. 

    Penetrative sex happened a whole year later. I was in university at this time and in a relationship. It was easily the most disappointing experience of my entire life. I didn’t have high expectations of my first time, but I could still tell it could be better. At a point, I started asking myself if this was the sex everyone kept hyping up. I was thoroughly frustrated. 

    Why do you think it was so bad? 

    He was obsessed with porn, and it showed in the way he had sex. Everything was theatrical, and he wasn’t invested in things I liked. His only redeeming quality was his fingers. He was good with those, but he never fingered me long enough to make me cum because he didn’t care enough about my pleasure. After a couple of months, the relationship ended, and I continued looking for good sex. 

    RELATED: Sex Life: Vaginismus Isn’t Letting Me Enjoy Sex

    How did that journey go? 

    I ended up with partner number two, who I was head over heels in love with. Sex with him was better because it was different. Unlike the man before him who kept trying to perform, he was gentler. I tried to communicate the things I liked with him because I wanted to enjoy sex. He’d listen but never actually do anything about it. Eventually, he told me he had decided to revive his faith in God, and as such, we couldn’t have sex again. 

    I went on to partner number 3, still at the age of 19, but something stuck with me. I found it almost impossible to tell any other partner what I liked during sex. Opening up to the last one about what I liked, and not having it implemented, made me not want to repeat it. I wasn’t talking to my partners about anything sex-related. I assumed that the same way society spoke about how much a woman should be able to please a man in bed, men were also expected to please their women. I was wrong, and I have the terrible sexual experiences to prove it. 

    If the sex was so bad, why keep having it? 

    Because I knew it could be better, and I was inquisitive. My parents never let me leave the house, so university was my one chance to act my age and explore everything I wanted to know. 

    My curiosity, combined with my inability to speak up about what I liked during sex, led me into situations I shouldn’t have been in. 

    RELATED: Sex Life: Sex Felt Like an Exam I Had to Pass

    Explain, please

    I’ve been curious about what makes men tick and what doesn’t, so I replicated many things I saw on the internet. Blowjobs seemed to be that thing. It also helped that I love the taste and feel of a dick in my mouth; like having a lollipop in my mouth. So, whenever I had sex with a man, a blowjob would come out of it. The only problem is that not all dicks should be in your mouth. 

    There’s this thing I like to call “dirty dick smell”. It’s this odour that hits you when a dick is dirty. It’s very common when the penis has been cooking for a while. It’s just a mixture of sweat and dick and is very unappealing. 

    The intelligent thing to do when you smell a dick like that is to ask them to take a shower or just outrightly refuse to blow them, but I didn’t want to humiliate them, so I’d put it in my mouth either way. The result? Days and days of battling an extremely sore throat. 

    That’s something that particularly annoyed me about sex with men who never put in any effort. Because when it came to sex, I was researching how to arch correctly, trying to eliminate my gag reflex, being called the throat goat and giving sloppy top, but I couldn’t even get one orgasm out of it — risking my physical health for loads of mediocre sex. Sometimes, I wanted to bite down on the dick while it was in my mouth.

    Did the blowjobs stop?

    No. I enjoyed the power trip that came with giving blowjobs. It was a turn-on for me; I just had to make it more sanitary. When I eventually gathered the balls, I started asking men to take a shower before we had sex. Sometimes, they’d act embarrassed, but my health was more important. It was either that or nothing.

    Finding my voice also stopped the sufferhead Olympics I engaged in regarding sex. Men would tell me they never had orgasms from oral sex, and I’d get on my knees because I felt like I had something to prove. No more. If you can’t get an orgasm through a blowjob, good luck to you and yours. 

    I’m ashamed it was not something I started doing earlier, but I had finally had enough. Better late than never, right? 

    Yeah, definitely. How did that go? 

    I met someone. He’s my current boyfriend, and I almost ruined what we had because I never spoke up. After a while of having sex with men who never cared about my orgasm, it built resentment, and I carried that into our new relationship. I’m glad he is patient enough to help me figure it out. 

    He asks me questions and is very intentional with foreplay and aftercare. Unlike my previous partners, he’s very open to having conversations with me about sex. 

    How’ll you rate your sex life on a scale of 1-10? 

    I’d give it a 7. I’m finally enjoying sex, but the sex is not as frequent as I’d like because it’s a long-distance relationship. 

    RELATED: Sex Life: My Goal Is to Pleasure Myself Not to Orgasm

    READ ALSO: Sunken Ships: Her Jealousy Almost Ruined My Life

  • The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 27-year-old man who masturbated for the first time when he was 22. He talks about the transition from saving himself for marriage to just enjoying sex, and why he never considered masturbation till he started having sex.

    Tell me about your first sexual experience 

    I was 15 years old when I kissed someone for the first time. She was the second girlfriend I had ever had, and on my way to her house, I googled how to make out. I was very nervous and didn’t want to mess up. There were some very detailed explanations on the internet, but I eventually realised that nobody is really good at stuff like that from the beginning. You have to ease into it. 

    As time went on, I graduated from kissing to dry humping, and it became a defining part of my teenage years. 

    Why dry humping? 

    At a certain point in my life, I was very religious. I believed sex wasn’t something you had with someone you weren’t married to. A lot of the people I knew felt the same way but tried anal sex instead. I wasn’t too comfortable with that. With dry humping, you get some sort of action without actually having sex. It was a middle ground. 

    So, you dry humped your way into having sex? 

    Not really. I didn’t have sex for the first time until I was 20. Like I said, I spent the majority of my teenage years dry humping, but I was about to graduate from university, and I didn’t want to graduate without having sex for the first time.

    That year, I met a woman who was four years older than me, and she was intrigued that I was 20 and had never had sex . She said she was going to introduce me to her friends and try to set me up, but I told her she was the one I wanted, and that’s how it happened. 

    RELATED: Sex Life: Religious Guilt Made Me Suppress My High Sex Drive

    I thought you wanted to wait till you were married. What changed? 

    I was born into a religious home, so most of the zeal of my youth was channeled into being the best religious version of myself. Churches, and other people in my religious circle, always made waiting till marriage a big deal, so it was something I held on to. 

    Then puberty happened, and I started making negotiations with God. Sure, I wanted to wait, but my body had other plans. That’s where dry humping came in. There was so much guilt the first few times I did it, but as time went on and I kept at it, the guilt reduced. I took the same approach with sex. 

    I had grown into a person who approached life differently, and I wanted to know why I shouldn’t do the things they told me not to do. When I started having sex, it was fun. The person I was having sex with was also having fun, so why would I feel bad about it? 

    When I asked these questions, the responses always came from addressing sex as taboo and a thing of disgust. Sexually transferred demons was not a valid argument, and I didn’t vibe with that. It was a gradual process of having conversations with myself until, eventually, I got over it. 

    I tried to suppress how my body felt until I just stopped. There was no defining moment, no big “aha”. Just questions and thoughts. 

    Well, how was your first time? 

    It was a very good first time. I was really careful because I was taking my time and didn’t want to mess up. There was a point where I got really terrified. She was on top and kind of clamped on my penis. It felt great, and I was about to cum, but she said I shouldn’t. I thought I was doing something I wasn’t supposed to do, and I got scared. Later, she told me it was because I was enjoying herself, and she wanted it to last longer. 

    I love that she knew what she was doing, and she also gave me a few pointers. It was interesting. 

    RELATED: Sex Life: I Was No Longer Scared of Being Sexual in God’s Presence

    So, how did the sex journey continue? 

    Well, I was having sex with different women and learning things, but the strangest thing was that I didn’t start masturbating until after I had started having sex. For a lot of people, masturbation is their introduction to sex. It was just different for me.

    While the message around sex was that it’s something you shouldn’t do until you were married, masturbation was something you shouldn’t do at all. Maybe that’s why it didn’t cross my mind until a woman I was talking to mentioned it. 

    We were having a random conversation, and I mentioned that I had never actually masturbated. She found it funny that a 22-year-old man who had been having sex with other people had actually never masturbated. Then I decided to just try it. 

    How would you describe your relationship with sex now? 

    Conversations around sex have changed for me, starting from the language I use. I grew up hearing people say things like, “I don knack that babe” and whatnot. These wordings give sex a wrong image and makes it seem taboo. Sex is something both people should enjoy, and if one person is not enjoying it, then there’s a problem. 

    I don’t believe in attaching negative things to sex. It doesn’t make sense to me, and if more Nigerians weren’t so closed off about sex, if we all just had enjoyable sex, we would be happier people. 

    What would you rate your sex life on a scale of 1-10? 

    7. It’s not like I’m having a ton of sex right now, but I’m spending a lot of time in my own space. I like it.

    READ ALSO: Sunken Ships: She Chose Jesus Over Me

  • Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 26-year-old woman who just wants to have penetrative sex. She talks about her painful experiences, the “solutions” she’s tried that didn’t work, and how she craves painless penetrative sex. 

    Tell me about your most memorable sexual experience 

    The first time I tried penetrative sex was when I was 21. It hurt, and I told him to stop. He said sex with me was like trying to put a wrong key in a padlock. 

    Three years later, I decided to try again with my friend with benefits at the time. We got a hotel room, and when he tried penetration, I was in a world of pain. It hurt so much, and the blood that followed? It didn’t seem normal. 

    We ended up just kissing and cuddling. I couldn’t go through that amount of pain again. 

    I’m sorry. So, no more penetrative sex for you? 

    Well, I tried one more time. It was with the same guy, in a different hotel a few months later. He kept telling me the pain was in my head, but I knew it wasn’t. When he tried and the tip got in, I thought I’d collapse from how much pain I was in. 

    I told him to remove it immediately, and I made a promise to myself to not try penetrative sex again until I’d figured out a solution to what was wrong with me. 

    RELATED: Sex Life: With a Big Dick You’re Your Own Problem

    What was finding a solution like?

    Well, I haven’t exactly found one, but that’s because I haven’t taken it seriously. I’ve been extremely busy. Plus, it’s not like I’m orgasm starved. I get plenty from oral sex and masturbation. 

    Those don’t hurt? 

    They really don’t. I started masturbating when I was 21 years old, and I was only able to because my mental block had left. I used to be very religious, and that meant no form of sexual activity for me. As time went on and I grew less religious, I allowed myself to masturbate one day. It felt great. I tried to insert fingers, but it felt extremely uncomfortable, so I just stuck with the clitoris. 

    I can give myself steady orgasms, and if I don’t feel like doing it myself, I meet up with my friend with benefits for oral sex. I’m not starved of orgasms. 

    Then why did you want to try penetrative sex? 

    Because I want to experience it. I want to know what it’s like to be penetrated and actually enjoy it. Plus, I can’t masturbate for the rest of my life, and I feel it’s unfair to just expect to get oral sex and not give anything in return. 

    I don’t like giving blowjobs. Semen tastes salty and the act of sucking dick doesn’t turn me on. I don’t want to be the one getting all the pleasure while the guy gets nothing. It’s not fair. 

    So back to finding a solution. What’s going on?

    I’ve tried a bunch of things. In early 2021, I started doing a lot of research. Whenever I typed in my symptoms, I’d always get vaginismus as a result. So, I started searching for solutions to vaginismus. The first one I tried was a dilator. 

    Dilators are these sex toys that look like dildos but have one fat end and a slim end on the other side. They come in different sizes, and you’re supposed to try each size to get your vagina used to a penis. The one I got had five different sizes. Using the two smallest was okay, but when I tried the third? Problem. I tried to shove it in, but it’ll end up sliding back out. So, I gave up on it. 

    Then I watched a show that talked about painful penetration. They shared breathing techniques you can use to help you take in the dilator. After learning the techniques, I tried again, but I could never make it past the second size. The third size brought too much pain so I’d stop. 

    RELATED: Sex Life: Sex Felt Like an Exam I Had to Pass

    That sounds stressful. Did you try anything else? Lube? 

    I have tried so many different variations of lubricants, but it doesn’t work because my vagina muscles are too tight. 

    Late 2021, I was scrolling through instagram when I saw another woman talking about vaginismus. I reached out to her, and she gave me the number of a pelvic floor therapist who can help. Unfortunately, I’ve been unable to see the doctor. 

    There’s so much going on in my life right now, and I have so many expenses because I plan on traveling, so a pelvic floor therapist isn’t really the top of my list. 

    What about a gynecologist? 

    I’m currently seeing a gynecologist for PCOS-related issues, but I’ve been unable to bring my possible vaginismus up because the last time I went to see a doctor when I was 21, he kept asking me stupid questions that weren’t helpful. He was more interested in how my boyfriend felt about the experience than me. So, I’m just waiting till I can see the pelvic floor therapist. 

    When might that happen? 

    Hopefully, before this year ends. I might finally get a solution to this problem and maybe start enjoying penetrative sex. 

    How will you rate your Sex Life on a scale of 1-10?

    1. Sure, I’m getting orgasms by myself, but there’s nothing like having someone hold, touch and kiss you in places you can’t do yourself. I’d like to be able to have penetrative orgasms with someone. Until then? We move.

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: Our Friendship Ended Because Of My Childishness

  • If you’re interested in exploring the fascinating world of strap-on dildos, your first time shopping for one can seem confusing. But it’s easier than you think. We’ve come up with these eight helpful tips to help you get through it. 

    Ask all your questions

    There’s no point in being shy. You’ve already taken all the big steps by messaging the vendor / going to a sex-toy shop. No one is more qualified to answer your questions than the person selling it. 

    RELATED: 6 Nigerian Men Tell Us What They Think About Pegging

    Where is it getting delivered?

    If you’ve never had your package stolen before, you won’t understand how important this is. Some vendors package strap-ons discreetly and label them as something else like “ Stockfish” or “Shoes” to throw people off, while others just wrap it as it is (shape, veins and all). Figure out the logistics of your delivery, abeg. 

    No be you dey use am, no be you go pick the size or shape

    Is it okay to own that 12-inch dildo with tentacles sprouting out from it? Yes. ? Totally. But your partner might not be into all that.  It’s important to ask the receiver’s opinion. If you’re both first time users, go with a smaller size in a non-realistic shape, so it’s easier to control. 

    Make sure you get one made out of  suitable material

    The material affects both the wearer and the receiver. You don’t want to break out in hives during sex because you’re allergic to latex. You can’t go wrong with silicone, but ask questions and make sure that it’s a material that is easy to clean. 

    As a black person, don’t get a white dildo

    No, for real. Why are you also trying to get rammed by coloniser penis? Pick nice colours. Buy a rainbow or skin coloured one. Hell, go crazy and get a basic purple one. Just make sure you like what you’ve gotten. 

    RELATED: QUIZ: How Many Words Can You Make Out of “PEGGING” in 1 Minute?

    Let go of the money you’re about to spend

    Don’t even think about the price. Just close your eyes and imagine all the good times you’re about to have. Remember that it’s an investment that will cost an arm and a leg, so get one that has all the fun features possible. Don’t look at your account balance after you purchase it. 

    Get a good harness 

    Also, ensure that it’s comfortable. If those complicated ones work for you, go for it. If it’s the leather or brief style harnesses that work, get those. Just make sure it’s compatible with the shape of the dildo you are getting. 

    Practice how to wine your waist 

    It will take some getting used to, so don’t rush into using it without enough practice. Stretch before you use it because your entire body will cramp up if you don’t, which can be embarrassing as hell in the heat of the moment. 

    Learn how to clean it

    Now that you’ve gotten all that out of the way make sure you clean your strap-on after every use. It’s just good hygiene. Also, that shit is expensive and cleaning it helps it last longer.

    ALSO READ: 7 Things You Have To Know Before You Peg Someone

    Zikoko is launching a new series where we explore those friendships, familial and romantic relationships that are no longer sailing.

  • “Aftercare” is a term that originally came from the BDSM community. It defines the care shown to a lover before, during, and after sexual encounters. Basically, it’s a mutual check-in between sexual partners. The concept of aftercare transcends the BDSM community these days because everyone deserves care in their relationship. Sex is a pleasurable activity that leaves us feeling vulnerable, and whether it’s in a casual relationship or a committed one, aftercare is a way to show your partner you care about them. 

    Here’s a list of ways you can practice aftercare with your partner: 

    Sending a check-in text 

    This is the bare minimum. Even if your partner is the type to run off before daybreak, you can still send a check-in text to make sure they are okay. This shows that you value them and the experience you two shared.

    RELATED: The 10 Horniest Emojis Nigerians Use in Texting

    Cuddling 

    Cuddling is an intimate affair that communicates care for one other. It releases the oxytocin hormone which helps to reduce stress. Everybody should cuddle their lovers more — one night stands or not — with their consent, of course. 

    Talking about sex 

    Talking about sex is a great way to build intimacy in a relationship. Tell your partner what you liked, what you didn’t enjoy, and why. That way, they get to know you better, and it helps to affirm both partners. It might even lead to another round. 

    Washing sex toys together 

    If you and your partner(s) use toys, washing them together is another great way to build intimacy and practice aftercare. You can also talk about the sex while you’re at it to build the tension. 

    RELATED: 7 Sex Toys Every Woman Should Have, According to Amina Soul

    Watching a movie together 

    Cuddling and watching a movie together is another effective way to practice aftercare. It’s a lighthearted activity that can help calm you down if the sex was particularly intense. 

    Cooking together 

    Cooking is a great bonding activity. It shows a person that you value their company and like to spend time with them outside sex. You’ll definitely be getting a call back if you do this right. 

    Sleeping together 

    This works for the same reason cuddling does. Sleeping next to someone who has felt your insides (or vice versa) can induce happy feelings and might lead to more sex. Don’t say we don’t do anything for you.


    In the end, aftercare is just a way to make sure you’re not being an ass to people you’re being intimate with. To learn more about intimacy, read this article on sex positions you absolutely have to try.

    Zikoko is launching a new series where we explore those friendships, familial and romantic relationships that are no longer sailing.

  • Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 24-year-old bisexual man who didn’t have sex because of his religious beliefs. He talks about the shame he attached to his sexual desires, masturbating in secret, and suppressing his high sex drive because it was against his faith. 

    Tell me about your first sexual experience. 

    When I was 13, I discovered masturbation. My best friend confided in me about some ungodly act she was into, which was masturbation. Later that week, I was going through the internet when I saw some pictures that got me excited. 

    I noticed the tip of my dick was super sensitive, and I touched it. Touching it felt so good, but rubbing it felt even better. I went to the bathroom and kept rubbing it till I had the very first orgasm of my life. The orgasm was filled with self-hate, pleasure and guilt. 

    Why did an orgasm make you feel all of those things? 

    Well, my faith at the time had a considerable role to play. I believed that the Bible must be taken at face value. I couldn’t combine loving God with enjoying sex. That’s why I felt very icky after masturbating in the bathroom. I hated myself intensely. 

    Does that mean it never happened again? 

    LMAO, not at all. As much as I had all these negative feelings associated with masturbating, I didn’t stop. It was the thorn in my side. 

    I was horny and walked around with an erection everywhere I went. So, I was masturbating every chance I got. I just felt very terrible after. At the time, I tried to convince myself that the Bible never explicitly said anything about masturbating, but it didn’t stop me from feeling the way I did. It didn’t help that I had an extremely high sex drive. 

    It was getting harder to talk to girls when all I wanted to do was have sex. Yet, I also couldn’t have sex because of my religion. 

    When I was 14, the guilt got worse. That’s when I realised that not only did I want to have as much sex as possible with all the girls I saw, I wanted to have as much sex with the men as well. 

    Did you ever act on that? 

    I couldn’t masturbate without fear, was it having sex with men I could do? I stayed in my closet and endured a never-ending cycle of reading my Bible, watching porn, masturbating, and hating myself. 

    RELATED: Sex Felt Like an Exam I Had to Pass

    Were you able to combine the two? Faith and sex. 

    Unfortunately, no. The older I got, the more questions I asked. There was a lot of cognitive bias I saw in the two major Abrahamic religions in Nigeria. That’s when I gave myself two options. Either I continue to live in this bubble of cognitive bias, or I walk away and do away with a faith that has kept me sane and helped me guide my life up until then. I chose to walk away. 

    What did walking away look like?

    Well, when I was 20, I had a conversation with my parents. I told them I was no longer going to church, and I had stopped reading my Bible. 

    There was a constant back and forth for about two years, but they’re finally making peace with it. 

    And what about sex? 

    I finally had sex for the first time when I was 22, with a woman from a GC I was in. I had done a lot of research in the years I battled my faith. I had asked for help from some people I know who had walked similar paths as me. This was very helpful in unlearning all my previous biases I had associated with women in regards to sex. I’d like to believe I went into it well prepared, and I gave her a good time. 

    As for me, it felt so good. She was such a beautiful woman, and there’s something about knowing a conventionally attractive woman wants you. It makes you feel very good about yourself. 

    Surprisingly, I didn’t feel as guilty as I thought I would. I just enjoyed the moment. 

    Why’d you think you didn’t feel guilty?  

    I think I was finally ready to enjoy myself. I had spent almost a decade hating myself and my body because I felt being sexual was a sin. 

    Since I no longer held any religious inclination, I didn’t feel like I was committing any sin. It was a thoroughly enjoyable experience. 

    RELATED: I Was No Longer Scared of Being Sexual in God’s Presence

    Does that mean masturbating got easier? 

    No, it didn’t get easier. I think because, unlike sex that had never happened, masturbation did. It was the one sexual act I committed for years; the one thing I felt was going to drag me to hell because I had acted on the urges I felt. 

    It wasn’t until I was 23 that I was able to actually masturbate without guilt. I had to teach myself to make it a form of self care. There was no way to have great sex without being able to be erotic with my own self. 

    And the sex drive? Still high? 

    Yes, very much so. For the past two years, it’s like I’ve been playing catch-up. I’m exploring the various things that caught and still catches my interest. 

    I’ve been getting heavily involved in BDSM, and it means unlearning all the biases I had towards it. I’m also building a stash of sex toys because self pleasure is something I’m investing in.

    I’ve even been able to start having sex with men. The first man I ever had sex with was so silent, I thought he wasn’t that into me. I think what excited him was the fact that there was someone watching us. 

    However, the other men I’ve been having sex with are pretty good at it. So, I know it’s something I like and enjoy. 

    Tell me something you’ve learnt on this journey. 

    The most interesting thing to me is the fact that there’s been a lot of religious people who I’ve had sex with. For some time, I judged them because I couldn’t reconcile the two, but now? Not so much. Religion is a necessity for a lot of people. Life is very bleak, and not believing in something can wreck you. 

    That’s why I don’t make comments when they decide to meet up after they finish church service or have sex with me after Ramadan. I understand the role I play in their life and the role religion plays as well. 

    All I want to do now is have the sex I want with the people I want, whether they’re men or women. 

    Any regrets? 

    My only regret is not starting sooner in my teens.

    How then will you rate your sex life on a scale of 1-10? 

    5, because it can be better. I want more partners, and I need to figure out my taste in men because I’ve not had as much experience there as I’d like. I’m still young, so there is still much to learn and experience, and I’d like a chance to really explore myself. 

    RELATED: My BDSM Journey Started Extreme

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  • Whether we want to admit it or not, working out feels like a very sexual thing. From routines like hip thrusts and squats to push ups, there’s something about all these movements that just scream fornication! It also doesn’t help that personal trainers and gym rats keep shouting these sexual phrases at one another. 

    Oh, and in case you didn’t know, sex is also a form of exercise that burns a ton of calories. 

    Here’s a list of things men can say in the gym and also during sex.

    1. “Arch your back properly” 

    How are you going to get good results if they don’t put their back into it? It doesn’t matter whether it’s an intense session with your sneaky link or a sweaty gym session with your bros, everyone needs to arch their  backs.  

    2. “Maintain your grip” 

    Sometimes you have to remind them to “hold it well” so it doesn’t fall and get somebody injured. No matter what you’re doing, safety must always come first. I’m just looking out for you bro. 

    3. “What am I supposed to do with this one?” 

    Omo, you’re not alone. We all get confused sometimes. Either the equipment is too big, too small or just not what you expected. It’s better to ask questions than to make mistakes. Sho get? 

    4. “Bend down well”

    This one is very important. Please go down low  so you can get a good work out dear. 

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    5. “This thing is heavy o”

    It do usually be shocking sometimes. LOL

    6. “Push your chest out”

    Are we here to play? Please push your chest out so you don’t injure yourself.

    7. “This position is painful” 

    Shout it if necessary, because if you keep quiet, you’re just doing yourself. 

    8. “Work on your form”

    See, form is everything. It doesn’t matter how low, deep or heavy you go, if your form is trash, the whole session is trash. There’s also a chance you might break your back or knees. Is it really worth it? 

    9. “Don’t rush it, feel every pump” 

    Working out and having sex is way better when everyone involved takes their time to really enjoy the process. Why are you running? Breathe in and out, calm your nerves and enjoy everything. 

    10. ” We can take turns “

    Where’s the fun in either working out or having sex if you’re doing just one thing from start to finish? Boring! 

    11. “Can you spot me?”

    No man is an island. We should all be our brother’s keepers both in the gym and during knacks. 

    12. “Are you done?” 

    Too much of anything is not good — except money sha. Sometimes you have to remind the other person that you have other things to do. You can’t be working out or fornicating from morning to night abeg. 

    ALSO READ: 12 Things You Can Say During Sex And At A Job Interview

  • Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 33-year-old woman who’s been out of the BDSM scene for three years. She talks about starting with extreme things like fire and blood play, a dom that helped her find herself, and retiring from the scene until someone exciting comes along. 

    Tell me about your first sexual experience 

    My first time was a birthday gift from a friend. It was my 18th. I had told him I was bored and ready to try sex, so he linked me up with a friend of his. 

    There was nothing spectacular about it. If anything, I found it quite boring. I thought something was missing.  Something I needed to make me enjoy sex. So I went to look for it. 

    What did you do?. 

    I started my exploration on the internet. Google was my friend. I searched for edgier ways to have sex, and kept reading and clicking links till I stumbled upon BDSM. 

    I was 19 and in the USA for university when all my research finally led me to groups of free-spirited people. These people invited me to sex parties and dungeons. 

    The more parties I attended, the more people I met and they let me know when the next party would happen. 

    Was it safe?

    Yes. Some of these parties you’d have to register for. You’d fill out forms, pay a fee, and also present tests that showed you were free from any sexually transmitted disease or infection. 

    The ones that didn’t require forms are just regular parties that sometimes spiral into something else. 

    RELATED: Sex Life: I Attended Sex Parties Every Weekend For Three Years

    Did you like the parties? 

    I did enjoy it. I was a very curious person who wanted to try everything she saw, and I got the chance when I was 20. 

    I met a man during one of these BDSM events. He was my very first dom and I felt safe enough to tell him about activities I was curious about. Sex with him included activities that caused pain. There was the bondage as well as the flogging. He once used a paddle with holes in them. Those paddles hurt a lot and the actions helped me realise I didn’t have a high threshold for pain. 

    There were a lot of things he was into that after trying out, I realised weren’t for me. He was into fire and blood play. He’d ash cigarettes on my body, run lighters over his skin, and use candles… The candles were the only thing I didn’t mind, and that’s when it’s done with low heat. 

    When he cut himself sometimes, the blood would make a mess. I wasn’t a big fan of being cut, but I liked to watch when he did it to himself. It was intriguing. 

    My earlier experience was very extreme. The things I did were considered extremities in the BDSM community, but that was my introduction. 

    RELATED: Sex Life: I Hated Sex Till I Discovered BDSM

    How long did it last? 

    It lasted for about a year because I came back to Nigeria at 21. When I got back to Nigeria, I got reintroduced to someone I had known since secondary school but never really spoke to. 

    We met at a party and hit it off quite well. He was also trying to figure out what he liked as well, and we did a lot of exploring together. He didn’t know he was a dom, but he had a very domineering personality and was willing to explore a bunch of kinky things. 

    After facing extremes, I had gotten a good amount of information on what I didn’t like and what could be modified to fit my taste, but there was a lot more to figure out. I mean, I didn’t even know what kind of sub I was. 

    With this guy, we were both young and curious. It felt slower than the last one, but there was enough curiosity to keep us going. 

    At this time, what were some things you were sure you weren’t into?

    The only two definite things I never wanted to try were age play and race play. I felt like with those two things, the lines can be very easily blurred. 

    How did you go about trying them out? 

    Parties. In my early twenties, I was still very active on Facebook and was present in a bunch of BDSM groups. They’d organise parties and sometimes to attend, you’d have to pay a fee. Not only that, but you’d have to share results that showed you didn’t have any STDs or STIs. During one of such parties, I met a woman who indulged my need to have unplanned sex. 

    Tell me about her.

    She was not a constant in my life, and we had an off-and-on relationship from when I was 21 till I was 24 years old.  I liked our relationship because it worked for us extremely well. 

    Explain “extremely well.”

    My early twenties was when I explored the most, and she was responsible for it. 

    Having to plan sex made me very uninterested because I believe that sex is something that happens in the heat of the moment. Planning takes away the excitement.  

    So if I had a fantasy, I’d mention it to her and she’d do all the planning. The next time we see, it’ll unfold in front of me. 

    That must’ve been nice.

    It was. I travelled to the UK at 24, so we weren’t able to continue the relationship we had. 

    Then at 26, I met another dom who was in his mid-forties. We met at another one of the sex parties. At the party, we chatted a bit and then linked up later to discuss boundaries and set up our agreement. 

    The relationship was the grounding point in my BDSM journey. He helped me discover I was a brat, schooled me a lot about the power that came with being a sub and helped me find a balance between the pleasure I wanted and the pain I liked. 

    With everything else I did when I was younger, I was inexperienced. He took me under his wing and made me more aware of myself. 

    Sounds like a mentor. 

    Exactly! A dom is your teacher and confidant. They look after your interests. That’s why it’s so easy for subs who don’t know what they’re doing to get abused and taken advantage of. There’s a lot of power you hand over to a dom. Anyone can misuse that. 

    RELATED: Sex Life: I Want to Dom a Man 

    What about romance? 

    It wasn’t a romantic relationship, just an agreement between two adults who knew what they wanted. We still talk but are no longer involved in that way. Mainly because I came back to Nigeria two years later. 

    Did you have another dom after him? 

    Yes, but it didn’t last long because he wasn’t exciting enough for me. Lack of excitement made me go kinda celibate. 

    Kinda celibate? 

    Well, I haven’t met anyone that excites me enough that I’d want to share my body with, but I also have needs. All the sex I’m currently having is with myself.

    A lot of the people I’ve met in the Nigerian BDSM space are clueless or just experimenting. It’s not their fault. A lot of people are scared because of cultural, religious, and social biases against sex and sensuality. 

    However, I know what I want, and that’s to be more emotionally engaged. It’s interesting to me how what I’m looking for in a dom has changed over the years. Initially, I wanted someone strong-handed who would take charge of things and tell me what to do even though I’d fight. 

    Now, I’m more interested in someone that’ll engage my senses while they still have mental control. I want someone that’s completely invested in me as a person. Also, I’ve not been in the mental space to act as a sub for a long time. I feel like anyone who tries to come at me forcefully would have to fight me. 

    So, what will you rate your sex life on a scale of 1-10? 

    The sex I’m having with myself? A 10. Sex with a partner? 0.

    RELATED: Sex Life: I Was Celibate For Almost a Decade