Imagine being with someone who ticks all your boxes, but the sex? Mid. You’ve spent months fake-moaning through it so you don’t bruise their ego, but now, you’re exhausted. Even thinking about bringing it up gives you a headache. What if they take it the wrong way? What if it leads to a fight or they call you an ashewo?
For many Nigerians, talking about sexual needs can feel awkward, even shameful. But it doesn’t have to be that hard. We spoke to six Nigerians about how they navigated the conversation, and a sex therapist who shared how to have ‘the talk’ without ruining your relationship.
“I had to bring it up mid-fight” – Adah*, 25
*Adah’s sex life felt like a bad case of ‘what I ordered vs what I got’. Her takeaway? If bad sex doesn’t kill you, resentment might.
“We started talking online and finally met after months of a long-distance relationship. He promised me heaven-on-earth sex, but when it finally happened, it was underwhelming. I cried.
He must have sensed it too because he started making excuses— that he was tired and wasn’t used to my body. I pretended it was good because I didn’t want to be rude, but each time we had sex, I got more frustrated. I only vented to my friends. Soon, I started dreading sex altogether. I’d come up with a hundred excuses just to avoid it.
I eventually exploded during a fight and told him how unhappy I was. That conversation didn’t go well. It actually led to our breakup.”
“I was in so much pain, but said it was great” — Ayo*, 26
*Ayo didn’t expect his first encounter with his crush to leave him crab walking for days. Turns out, he couldn’t match her freak.
“I was into this girl I met, but when we finally hooked up, I had no idea she was a dominatrix. She locked the door, told me to strip, and started jerking me off super aggressively.
It hurt so bad, I was wincing. I asked her to go easy, but she wasn’t listening. I eventually gave up and let it play out. When it ended, I told her it was great, even though I was in pain for days. I honestly feared my penis might fall off.”
“I fake orgasms just so he’ll stop” — Ayesha*, 30
*Ayesha’s situation left her wondering if love is enough reason to keep faking pleasure forever
“I love my partner, but I’ve never orgasmed with him. For a long time, I thought I was the problem. He’s amazing in so many ways, but he just doesn’t get me there.
After some research, I realised we needed more foreplay, so I hinted at it and we tried to incorporate it. But now, there’s a new problem: oral sex hurts. He uses his teeth, and I end up faking orgasms so that he’ll stop.
I know I need to say something, but I can’t bring myself to. I’m scared of hurting his ego; it might even affect our relationship.”
“I don’t know how to tell her my mind is with my ex” — Mubarak*, 29
*Mubarak’s body is present, but his mind? With someone else. It’s hard to admit to himself, let alone his partner.
“During sex with my partner, I find my mind drifting to my ex. I hate it, but I keep comparing them. It makes me feel guilty. What’s worse is, I now struggle to stay hard. One time, I lost control barely after we started. I shook and pretended to orgasm just to avoid explaining what was wrong. She’s mostly focused on her own pleasure, so she hasn’t noticed.
I also don’t enjoy oral sex because she uses too much teeth. I always ask her to stop, hoping she’ll get the hint. But nothing has changed.”
“I want more from sex, but I’m scared to say it” — Esther*, 42
*Esther’s story shows how years of shame and tradition can hold one back from speaking up.
“I grew up believing sex was something you gave your husband as a duty, not something to enjoy. So when I got married, I didn’t expect much. It was just part of the routine.
But after hearing my friends talk about enjoying sex, I started wondering why I didn’t. I researched and learned about foreplay and intimacy, and I want to try those things. But my husband is very traditional. I don’t even know how to start that conversation. I’m scared he’ll shame me for even thinking about it. So I’ve just accepted it as my cross to bear.”
How to Have the Conversation Without Hurting Your Partner
We asked Ms Feyikemi Fawole, a certified sex therapist and sexual wellness educator, to walk us through how to approach difficult sex conversations and how to respond if you’re on the receiving end.
1. Understand there’s nothing to be ashamed of
Feyikemi explains that shame is valid, but it shouldn’t be the end of the conversation.
“Like in *Esther’s case, many women think it’s wrong to want pleasure, let alone talk about it. But what’s worse — speaking up and improving things, or constantly dreading intimacy with the person you love?”
She also clarifies, “While society often pits religion against sexual conversations, no religion forbids them. Culture has simply made people feel like talking about sex makes them sound loose or excessive. But sex is meant to be mutual. It takes two to enjoy it, and you deserve to be heard. Silence shouldn’t be the price of someone else’s comfort.”
2. Ease into it
“Start with emotional check-ins about your sex life.” Feyikemi says. “People who talk regularly about sex find it easier to bring up what’s working and what isn’t. You can start light — talk about sex casually, send flirty or suggestive messages, or ask playful questions. These little moments help build comfort and confidence.
If it still feels too difficult, you can even suggest couples therapy as a way to open the door together.
3. Consider the timing
There’s good and bad timing when talking about sex. “Right after sex is not the time to talk,” Feyikemi says. “Let your partner enjoy the moment and feel good. Save the conversation for when they’re genuinely relaxed and in a positive mood.”
Avoid bringing it up during arguments or a fight — heightened emotions can make your partner feel attacked. Timing and body language are just as important as the words you use.
4. Use the right tone
“Don’t start with ‘you,’” she warns. Saying ‘you don’t satisfy me’ puts your partner on the defensive. Instead, try softer, self-focused phrases like ‘I really enjoy it when my penis is handled gently’ or ‘I’d love it if we tried this next time.’ This invites improvement without sounding like an attack.
Tone matters when your partner is dealing with issues beyond their control, like erectile dysfunction, painful sex, or insecurities about size. In these moments, it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it. If your delivery feels accusatory or impatient, your partner won’t hear your intention.
Try: ‘Can we work on this together?’ or ‘How can I support you?’ You can even bring up lifestyle factors like stress or diet gently. Be a teammate, not a critic.
What if you’re on the receiving end?
According to Feyikemi, your first reaction matters. “Pause. Breathe. Don’t take it as an attack or rejection. Your partner is opening up because they want you to be better, not because they’re trying to shame you.
You can always unlearn and relearn. Watch educational videos. Read. Get curious. Sexual satisfaction is something you can work on, and you’re not a failure for needing growth.”
The bottom line? You need emotional safety
If you want to have honest conversations about sex, you need to feel safe. Emotional safety makes it easier to say the hard things. Regular check-ins, soft teasing, and vulnerability all help build that trust.
When safety is missing, silence gets louder, and the sex doesn’t get better. If communication keeps breaking down, it might be time to re-evaluate the relationship.
Read Next: Sex Life: “I Wasn’t Having Good Sex Until I Started Listening To My Partners”
