Have you slept with just your partner this year or all your friends’ partners?
Take this quiz and we’ll tell you:
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Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 29-year-old man who’s spent most of his sexual life making up for not knowing women could have orgasms. He talks to us about researching how to be a better partner and how he thinks he’s all sexed out.
Tell me about your first sexual experience
I was kind of a church boy, so I never did anything more than kiss here and there, but that changed one day.
When I was 17 years old and in 100 level, I had a girlfriend. One night, she came to my room and we started kissing; she wanted to have sex. I tried to play it cool, but since I thought girls had their sexual organs in the same place as guys, I was humping the vulva excitedly. When she guided my penis into her vagina, I lost it. I didn’t last for up to a minute and came shaking all the way.
I had mixed feelings because I felt I didn’t do too well but was also happy I‘d just bust my first nut. I realised I had to step up my sex game either way.
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LMAO. How did you plan on doing that?
Well, I did a little research. I read a book that taught me how to pleasure a woman’s body. I also watched a lot of porn to know how to have oral sex, what sexual positions to try and to help me masturbate so I could control my body more.
The first time I tried to masturbate, I was watching porn. While they were getting at it, my dick was hard and I started stroking it. It was a bit painful, so I went to get soap on my hands and it felt really good.
RELATED: Sex Life: Masturbation Came After Sex
And sex?
I went abstinent for a year till I’d figured it out, and it helped that my girlfriend and I had broken up during this period. I was able to fully stay away from sex.
A few months after I’d clocked 18, I had another girlfriend. This time, I was ready to put into practice all I’d learnt. Before our first time together, I’d masturbated to remove the anxiety so I won’t cum too quickly.
When she came over, I made sure there was a lot of foreplay. I kissed and touched her in all her erogenous zones and gave her head. She was ecstatic, and I was feeling like a man. I could see a bit of satisfaction in her eyes. I also lasted longer than the last time, but I still felt I hadn’t done enough.
Ah. Why?
Because at that time, I didn’t know women could have orgasms. All the research I did about having better sex was just so I could last longer and feel better about myself. It was very selfish. I thought after I came, the party was over. It wasn’t until I met another woman during my service year that my perspective changed.
How?
We met at my PPA and went to a party together. She moved to me and we went back to my place. She was very communicative about what she wanted and how she wanted it. That’s when I realised it was something I’d lacked in my previous sexual encounters. I didn’t ask questions, and they didn’t talk to me.
Having sex with her that day, at the ripe old age of 22, was when I made a woman orgasm for the first time, and something shifted in me. I realised you have to make your woman feel good because when it comes to sex, she’s the priority. And communication is very important.
How did you know she actually had an orgasm?
She was clawing at my back and shouting “I’m cumming, babe”. I think that covers it.
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Fairs. How was sex like after this discovery?
We had sex every day.
Were you not tired? Hungry? Employed?
LMAO. I was, but we kept trying out so many new things. We’d role play, try new positions and just find new ways to have sex. It was wild and fun. She even tried to peg me, but it hurt and we didn’t try it again.
I wanted to marry her, so we had to get genotype testing. Unfortunately, that’s when we both discovered we were AS, and we had to end the beautiful relationship.
I’m so sorry
Thank you. I mean, we cut our losses and moved on.
I was ready to put all the new information I’d gathered to use. And getting women wasn’t difficult for me because I knew how to talk to them, but I couldn’t have sex with women I wasn’t emotionally invested in. It means we’d both have to feel comfortable enough to talk about the things we’d like to do.
It was fun and interesting for a while, but I think I’ve gotten to the point where my sex life has dwindled. At this point, there are only three things I haven’t done. An orgy, a threesome and sex with a foreigner. So, there’s nothing about sex I find exciting anymore.
I’m just trying to find someone I like very much so I can settle down. My goal was to make up for all the women I had sex with and didn’t give orgasms, and I’ve done that.
Rate your sex life on a scale of 1-10
7. I’ve had great sex up until this moment, and I want to just lock down my person.
RELATED: Sex Life: My Goal Is to Pleasure Myself Not to Orgasm
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Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 27-year-old virgin. She talks about how she’s only been kissed twice, her inability to orgasm when she masturbates and waiting till marriage to have sex.
Tell me something interesting about your sex life
When I was 12 years old, we had a jumat session in school that centered around chastity and modesty for Muslims. After the session, I decided I wanted to wait till marriage to have sex.
So, you’ve never done anything sexual since then?
Not really. When I was 13 years old, I masturbated for the first time. I was the only one at home because it was during those long JS 3 holidays. I enjoyed reading erotica and historical romance books with very descriptive sex scenes in them. I was reading one of such books when I found myself rubbing and grinding against the pillow. Since it was one of the rare moments I had the entire house to myself, I went at it for a bit. I like to consider it as the day I discovered what my vagina could do. Before then, I’d only considered it for sex and reproduction; discovering orgasms was very nice.
Did masturbation become a regular thing?
Not at all. When I resumed school, I didn’t even try it again. In university, I neither had the privacy nor time to dwell on sexual attraction not to talk of masturbating. I was trying to focus in school plus I had to share accommodation.
RELATED: Sex Life: I’m Trying to Break My Masturbation Addiction
Damn
When I was 18, I kissed a guy for the first time. I’d met him during night class and, according to him, as I was talking animatedly with my friends, he got mesmerised. I didn’t like him, but he kept asking me to be his girlfriend. The only reason I agreed to even date him was because it seemed like the next step for me. I was in my first year, and all my friends had boyfriends.
So, back to that kiss
The night I agreed to date him, he kissed me while we sat in his friend’s car. He kept biting at my lips, and I couldn’t reciprocate whatever it was he was doing because I wasn’t feeling him at all. My body was refusing to respond. I just kept waiting for the kiss to end.
Bad first kisses<<<< Did you try kissing again after that?
Yes, I did. When I was 20, I met another boy. I saw him and instantly liked him. It was easy for me to agree to date him. We were on holiday when the relationship started, so most of it was over the phone. As the conversation progressed, I wasn’t sure I fucked with him, but I didn’t want to jump to conclusions because we hadn’t seen each other properly. I also remembered how quickly I ended things with the last guy.
When we did eventually resume school as a couple, I realised as much as I liked him, I wasn’t sexually attracted to him. We hung out a few times, and during one of those times, he kissed me. Unlike the last guy I kissed, I tried to put in a lot of action, but I still didn’t enjoy the kiss. I endured the relationship for another few weeks before ending it.
Honestly, the most I’ve ever done with a guy is sext, and even that was hard because not only was it something I’d never done before, I was sharing a room with my cousin. I tried my best, and I hope all my years of reading romance novels didn’t waste.
RELATED: Sex Life: Religious Guilt Made Me Suppress My High Sex Drive
Does the whole waiting till marriage thing get hard?
Very. At first, it wasn’t so difficult, but then, I clocked 25 and my sexual urges doubled. I started thinking about sex so much. If you could peep into my brain, 90% of the thoughts are about sex. My body just wants to have sex. That’s when period, ovulation and just regular horniness started. So, I decided to try masturbating again.
How did that go?
Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to recreate the orgasm from the first time when I was 13. The most I get is a mild tingling sensation in my legs. Maybe that’s why I don’t do it more than two or three times a year. I’ve thought of trying toys, but I live with my mum and there’s no privacy in that house. No matter where I hide it, it’ll be found and I’d get into trouble.
Omo, till marriage then fr
I’m kinda resolved about that decision. I’m certain except something completely out of my control happens, I won’t have sex outside of marriage. I’ve already done 27 years, what’s a little more? This is me assuming I’ll be married in a few years. Maybe we should do an update if I’m still unmarried at 40. My choices might’ve changed. But, for now? I’m holding up by reading romance novels, watching rom-coms and navigating the pornsite that’s Twitter.
LMAO. I’ll hit you up in 13 years. But I also want to know why you are holding on to a decision you made when you were 12?
The first thing for me is my religion. I’m not perfect, but Allah doesn’t need my perfection; he needs my effort. I’m not even supposed to kiss, make out, etc. I’ve clearly failed in the foreplay part, and I can’t even hit my chest and say if I find someone now, I won’t kiss or touch them. But that’s also why dating go on for too long, so you don’t fall into temptation.
Asides from religion, I’m not a casual-sex type of person. It’s the reason why I haven’t been able to lockdown any relationship long term. I don’t see myself popping the cherry randomly, and at this stage of my life, I’m out to meet people who are also waiting till marriage. In fact, one of my greatest fantasies is marrying a virgin so we get to learn about sex and each other’s bodies from scratch — two novices trying to hack sex no matter how long it takes.
Interesting. Humour me and rate your Sex Life on a scale of 1-10
LMAO. A -10. I’m not having any sex, but I’m constantly horny. It makes me frustrated.
RELATED: Sex Life: I Got Married to Have Sex
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They say the way to a man’s heart is his stomach, but I’m here to give you another trick. This time, I’d like to tell you how you can gauge a Nigerian man’s performance in bed just by looking at his underwear.
Don’t believe me? Test my theory today.
These boxers that look like school uniforms
Any guy who wears these school uniform boxers will give you toxic dick that’ll probably ruin your life. Guys like this are very quiet and shy in public, but the moment they catch you, omo, you will crawl home. He doesn’t care whether you cum or not, but because he’s putting so much vim into the fornication, you end up cumming as a side effect.
He won’t offer you water after round five, but best believe he’ll give you the best sex of your life.
Briefs
There are two ways around this briefs conversation. If a guy wears white briefs, that means he’s very intentional about life and would probably locate your g-spot no matter where it’s hidden. A white-brief guy doesn’t have a big dick, but he’ll overcompensate with foreplay.
On the other hand, if a guy wears coloured briefs, know you’re about to be trapped in a relationship. This guy has an average dick and knows how to use it. The problem is, he’ll only think about you cumming after he’s ejaculated. But don’t worry, that won’t take long.
Lace pant
Guys who wear lace underwear are very into role play and things like that, probably even on the submissive side, so there’s a strong chance he will eat your bum bum and let you choke him till he nearly passes out. His dick game is average, but he’s a good student. If trained right, his performance can move from 25 to 100 in no time.
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Thongs
Say hello to Mr Risque. Guys wearing thongs are great in bed and comfortable in their sexuality. They’re open to being pegged or peed on — anything you want, this guy is totally game. If you were to investigate his body count, you’d probably find your main boyfriend and your best friend too.
Jockstraps
The jockstrap is for the guy who wants to wear a thong but doesn’t have the balls to rock them yet. Using this definition, a jockstrap guy is good in bed and eager to please. Validation is a major driving force for guys who wear jockstraps, so your pleasure gives them the same surge of endorphins Uber drivers get from rider ratings.
Mesh
This man lives for sex parties and exhibitionism. He rarely has sex, but likes to watch and be entertained. His dick game is good, but you need to have porn in the background to keep him up, if you know what I mean.
Guys who have at least one of each
Like the Avatar or a unicorn, a guy with all the different types of underwear on this list is rare. If you bump into one, I’d advise you to run because his dick game will confuse you. One day, the sex is so good that you’re ready to move in, but the next day, his done after five thrusts. Owning three on the list is fine, but having all six is serious wahaleux.
Commando
Anything you see here, take it like that. Guys who go commando are on another level, and it takes a certain type of man to walk around with his John-Thomas swinging up and down like a hunter’s katapot.
ALSO READ: Don’t Listen to Women, These Are the Best Types of Underwear for Authentic Nigerian Men
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The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 31-year-old man battling a masturbation addiction. He talks about his journey from hating masturbation to doing it multiple times a day, discovering he had premature ejaculation and breaking his addiction.
Tell me about your first sexual experience
When I was a child, I saw a lot of things I shouldn’t have seen on TV, a lot of 18+ sexual content. And I wanted to recreate those things I saw. There was a girl who lived close to my house, and one day, we snuck to the back of her house, kissed and touched each other. Luckily, we stood up just before some adults came to the back and could’ve caught us.
Did you like it?
Yes, I did. It was nice to replicate the things I saw on screen, like the kissing and breast grabbing. I liked it so much I continued doing it, although not as frequently as I’d like because, even though I was exploring my sexual desires, I was still a church boy who thought it was a sin.
But when I was 17, I had penetrative sex for the first time. However, it wasn’t a worthwhile experience. It didn’t last long, but I chalked it up to inexperience and anxiety. It wasn’t until we broke up and I tried foreplay with another girl I realised there might be a problem.
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What happened?
Well, she wasn’t interested in anything other than foreplay. She didn’t even let me touch her breasts because she said her biology teacher told her that touching breasts would make them fall, but I accepted anyway. So while we were making out, I realised I had cum. That was the beginning of a massive problem for me.
I realised I might suffer from premature ejaculation, so I started reading up on what it’s about. Then I stumbled on a section of the internet that said that a way to prevent premature ejaculation was to masturbate, and I decided to try it even though I was not too fond of masturbation.
Why did you hate masturbation?
I attended a boys’ only secondary school, and in school, there was this guy who was more experienced than the rest of us and never shut up about how many girls he had slept with or how much he was masturbating.
I tried it because he talked about it, but nothing made sense. I felt it was a waste of time because why are you touching your penis to two people having sex. Why not just have sex too? But because I had heard it helped with premature ejaculation, I decided to try it again. It felt so good when I was cumming. So good that I wanted to try it again and again till I became addicted to masturbation.
From hating to addiction. How did that happen?
Well, the feeling was good, and I wanted to replicate it. Plus, since I was very picky with the women I had sex with, it was a good alternative. It became something I turned to whenever I felt a kind of way emotionally. I’d masturbate when I felt sad, stayed on my phone too long, or was about to sleep at night. I also had the websites I went to watch porn.
At some point, when I was at the university, I had to pray and fast against it because it was already becoming irritating to me. I was still heavily involved in church at the time, and when the drama unit I was a part of told me to act as the Messiah, I couldn’t do it. I knew I was struggling with something, and I felt too unclean to do the role, but I eventually did.
I’m so sorry. Did it at least help with the premature ejaculation?
Unfortunately, it didn’t. The few times I had a chance to have sex with a woman, I was either cumming too early, or I was struggling to get hard. That’s how erectile dysfunction came in.
That’s why I don’t think I’ve ever had good sex. When I was 28, I had sex with this woman, and after about three to four strokes of penetration, I came. It’s embarrassing. I think there’s no lady I’ve had sex with that’ll want to try it again.
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How do you know that?
They never say anything after it happens. It’s like they feel some shame. I’d have loved a conversation, but I don’t think many women think it’s something to talk about.
So you’ve never had good sex?
The closest thing I’ve had regarding good sex was when I was 29. It was with a babe I had known for ten years. Before she came over, I had told her about the premature ejaculation issue, but she made me feel comfortable. When we eventually got down to it, I could penetrate and last a bit longer than usual.
Why’d you thought so?
Maybe because I told her about it beforehand or perhaps because I’ve known her longer? I don’t know. The whole thing stumped me because I have even tried all these herbs and fruit combos people always say helps with erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation, but they don’t work. That’s what led me to see a doctor.
How did that go?
Well, it’s actually two doctors I’m seeing. One said my problem could be as a result of anxiety while the other told me to start exercising and not do anything to stimulate me. Then, we’d see how it goes from there. I’ve been abstinent for two weeks and I don’t think I’ve ever gone this long without masturbating.
What do you hope to gain from this process?
To finally enjoy sex and get totally free from this masturbation addiction.
Any regrets?
It might seem strange, but I don’t have any. I believe life is never a mistake and you just have to learn from the things that happen to you. It hurts that I got trapped by something I initially hate, but it’s all part of life. I believe that I’ve learnt a lesson that’ll be useful to some other people and maybe even my own children if I get to have them.
How’ll you rate your sex life on a scale of 0-10
LMAO. A -2
RELATED: Sex Life: I Don’t Enjoy Sex
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Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 31-year-old woman who doesn’t enjoy sex. She talks about the various ways she’s tried to spice up her sex life and realising sex isn’t something she’ll ever enjoy.
What was your first sexual experience like?
When I was 16, I met this boy who’d just moved into the estate I lived in. We met on the road when he asked me for directions. He was a year older, and we attended the same church. I didn’t have a lot of friends my age, so from then on, I looked forward to the time we spent together.
One day, while his parents were out of town, he asked me to come over. I did, and we got to talking. We were watching this movie I had no interest in when he asked if he could kiss me. I agreed mainly because I was curious. I’d kissed a couple of people before, but he was different. I liked him. After we kissed, he asked if I wanted to take it further and have sex. I agreed. We went to his room; he used a condom and was very gentle. That’s how I had sex for the first time.
What was it like?
I’ve heard stories of how it’s supposed to be painful, and how much blood is usually involved, but it wasn’t like that. There was a slight pinch and no blood.
I also didn’t know what to do, so I lay there while he did everything. It didn’t last long, and I won’t describe it as an enjoyable experience. It was just something I did. It’s not like he did anything wrong. I didn’t know why I didn’t enjoy it.
So after the first time, did it become a regular thing?
Like a month later, he asked me to be his girlfriend. I liked him, so I was excited. Since we lived in the same estate, it was a lot easier to hang out. We’d take walks together, and when our parents weren’t around, we’d invite the other over. It usually ended with sex.
I noticed nothing changed for me the more we had sex. Sure, I knew a few more things to do, but I wasn’t enjoying it. I just kept having it because he liked it, and I wanted him to be happy. We broke up a few months after because of school. We knew we liked each other, but not enough to deal with going to different universities and its problems.
So what did you do about not liking sex?
Initially? Nothing. Then I got to university, and everyone was talking about how great sex is, so I decided maybe I wasn’t having sex the right way. My ex was soft and gentle, and I thought that was the problem. When I met another guy I liked, and we wanted to have sex, I told him to be rougher. He spanked me and did a lot of stunts, but I wasn’t enjoying myself. I kept asking myself what was wrong with me?
It became a routine. I’d meet a cute guy, get to talking, and when we’re having sex, I’m just there, riding dick, getting eaten out because that’s supposed to make me cum. And yes, there are a few orgasms here and there, but no pleasure. Just me feeling tired and hungry afterwards.
For how long did this go on?
At least, six years. It was frustrating because I’d like these men, form romantic connections with them; we’d flirt, I’d get flustered, wet, turned on, but then the sex was always flat. My body is reacting the way it does to stimulus and whatnot, but as a person, I feel “there”.
RELATED: Sex Life: Vaginismus Isn’t Letting Me Enjoy Sex
Why did the routine stop?
Well, I did something incredibly ridiculous. At least, in my opinion. I agreed to have a threesome with a friend and her boyfriend. I’d never been attracted to women like that, but a part of me kept thinking maybe the reason I wasn’t enjoying sex was I had it with the wrong people.
But I was too chicken to actually test the theory. I’ve never been someone to ask people out. Plus, with the way I was going about my routine, I don’t think any queer woman interested in me would think I was queer too.
Anyways, when she asked, I was kind of excited. Her boyfriend wasn’t the finest man in the world, but she described sex with him as if he was the best fucker on Earth. So I thought if sex with her didn’t work, maybe he’d be the one to actually make me like sex.
And?
I realised I was a heterosexual woman and threesomes might even be worse than sex with one person.
LMAO. What happened?
Well, in the “threesome”, I wasn’t actually allowed to touch the man. Neither was he allowed to touch me. My heterosexual friend and I were to kiss and touch each other while he watched. I didn’t enjoy being watched like that. It kinda creeped me out, but I stuck to it because I’m not a quitter. Very bland experience in my opinion. I would never attempt a threesome again.
But it did make me ask myself a few questions. Why was I so desperate to like sex? Like, there are other activities or things I don’t like, but I wasn’t going out of my way, trying to force myself to like them. Why was sex different?
RELATED: Sex Life: Sex Felt Like an Exam I Had to Pass
Well, why was sex different?
It’s not a regular occurrence for people to not like sex. Everyone who’s having it speaks about it with such high praise, it makes you feel like if you’re not enjoying it, there’s a problem. Like you’re broken.
Before, I thought maybe I hadn’t found the kind of sex I liked, but I spent six years searching. I was fucking people because I wanted to see if something would click and sex would become enjoyable for me, but it never happened.
I’d spent time and resources trying to figure out why I didn’t enjoy sex, which made no sense because I also didn’t enjoy pounded yam, but I wasn’t trying to figure out why. I took it as a part of life and kept it going. That’s when I realised, yeah, there’s nothing wrong with me. It’s okay to not enjoy sex.
Does that mean you never had sex again?
No, not that. I still have sex. I even had sex a few days ago. It’s just I’ve stopped beating myself up because I didn’t like it. The sex was nice. I had an orgasm and so did the person I had sex with, but that’s where it ends. Nice.
Not enjoying sex doesn’t mean I don’t feel sexual attraction. I do. I get horny and all of that, but for me, sex is a means to an end. I scratch my itch and that’s it. Remember how I said I don’t like pounded yam? Having sex is like eating pounded yam when I’m hungry. My body needs food and pounded yam is food. I finish my plate and might even ask for more. It’s not because I like it, but because my body needs it.
We’ll come back to not liking pounded yam later. How would you describe your sex life on a scale of 1-10?
I’d say a 5. It’s just there. I’m having sex when I want to, but I’m not going out of my way to.
RELATED: Sex Life: This “Throat Goat” Wasn’t Enjoying Sex
READ ALSO: Sunken Ships: I Didn’t Expect Our Relationship to End This Way
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Making a woman cry during sex is not a feat just anyone can accomplish. But if you want to be among the legends and the greats, here are some things you need to know.
Remove her wig
Anyone wearing a wig to have sex is an unserious person, so whatever they see, they should collect. If tears are your goal for the woman you’re having sex with, bundle her bundles mid-coitus and fling them out the window. She’ll stop, and sweep. Then you’ll have explain to her how you’ll replace the discarded wig.
Ask her if she’s eaten
Women don’t eat. Why? Nobody will ever fully understand. So if you want to cause her stress and bring some tears to her eyes, ask her if she’s eaten because you plan on ordering food. For pizzazz, tell her that coffee doesn’t count as food. She’ll break down.
RELATED: 6 Nigerian Women Talk About Their Unhealthy Relationship With Food
Play with her nipples
It’s important to note that they’re nipples, not shaki. So if you’re going to be biting, use the fear of the Lord to judge your actions. If not, you’ll land on an episode of Sex Sent Me to the ER, and people will laugh at you. Don’t let your enemies win.
Do not ignore the clit
The clit is the only female body part that exists solely for pleasure. So why will you ignore it? Use it so it can meet its KPI for the week. Engaging her clit will make it easier to bring your woman to tears.
RELATED: How to Make Your Woman Happy in Bed
Ask her where she wants to eat after sex
Women avoid making decisions the same way they avoid ironing clothes. That’s why for maximum tears, ask her to decide on what she wants to eat and where. She’ll burst into tears.
Listen when she tells you what she wants
You don’t know her body more than her, so you should ask questions. What does she like being done to her? How can you replicate it for her maximum pleasure? Those are the thoughts you should consider if your goal is for her to stain your pillow with tears.
Bring out the toys
Sex toys are your friend, not your foe. If tears are your goal, they’re beneficial to achieving your target. Because while you, a mere mortal, might feel tired after an hour, an adequately charged toy can triple your time. By the time you’re done, the bucket you put into catching her tears will be full and overflowing.
RELATED: 8 Nigerian Women Talk About Their Experience With Sex Toys
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It can be confusing to know what your partner likes when it comes to sex, especially when they’re not very communicative. Have you ever wondered whether your partner secretly likes spanking? Take this quiz and find out.
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Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 26-year-old bisexual woman who loves having sex with women. She talks to us about coming out as a lesbian, discovering her bisexuality and not feeling bisexual enough because she doesn’t sleep with men.
Tell me about your first sexual experience
When I was 18, I had sex with my best friend. The two of us had pooled money together to get a hotel room and just rest. We wanted to feel expensive and not have to deal with the problem that is our roommates.
We talked about everything there was to talk about. I told her I’d never kissed anyone before because I didn’t count the two times I kissed boys in primary school. She decided then and there that she’d kiss me and get it over with so I’d know what a real kiss felt like.
Safe to say, we did more than kiss. It was a perfect kiss, in my opinion, and I’m happy it was my first. I think we both realised we liked it a bit more than we’d initially planned. So we kissed again and again, and eventually, moved on to more than just kissing.
How did you feel after?
Even though it was our first time having sex with a woman, what we lacked in experience, we made up for with communication and trust. She had a bit more experience in general, but I didn’t.
I wasn’t an absolute idiot though. I knew what sex was, and at the time, I wasn’t having it because a couple of years prior, I said I’d wait till marriage for purely religious reasons. As I grew older and became less religious, I didn’t have sex because I didn’t get around to it. Men weren’t cutting it for me, and I was too busy and unbothered to consider other options.
RELATED: Sex Life: I Got Married to Have Sex
Busy doing what?
Life. There was trying to get into university and dealing with the stress from my parents about being an excellent example to my siblings. Love, romance, sexuality, and all the other things that came with it, were put to the side. When I got into the university, I didn’t find anyone interesting enough to sleep with.
So what happened after sex with your best friend?
Well, we tried to talk about it. Not immediately after because we both passed out and slept, but the next day. We wanted to understand what that meant for our friendship. Was this going to be a regular thing? And was it purely sexual? We decided that we’d continue being best friends and if we chose to sleep with each other, sure.
Nobody batted an eye when they saw us being affectionate because we were already best friends and super close. I’d sleep on her bed, kiss her on her cheek in public and hold hands. We cooked for each other and studied together. It was pretty dope. We also had sex a lot.
After the first time, it’s like the part of my brain that had locked out the possibility was removed. I just wanted to fuck. We’d be sneaking quickies while reading in classes at night or when someone’s roommate wasn’t around. I liked sex a lot and had what I feel is an average amount of it. We were having sex at least three to four times a week.
Unfortunately, she wanted a romantic relationship, and I wasn’t about that life. I enjoyed being her friend who had sex with her, and I felt we would have been terrible girlfriends. She stopped hanging around me as much, and we stopped having as much sex.
From nothing to something to nothing again. How did you feel?
Horny, but there was nothing I could do about it. Sure, I masturbated a bit, but it wasn’t the same. I’ve always believed that having sex with someone else is just so much better than having to do it all by yourself. It adds extra vim. So, safe to say, I wasn’t enjoying myself sexually.
That was until a babe a year above me in my department walked up to me in school. She told me that she noticed my best friend and I’d stopped talking, and does that mean we broke up? I told her we never dated, but she said we acted like a couple. Then, she asked if I was a lesbian.
Since I first had sex with my best friend, I’d never considered myself anything. Labelling my sexuality was not something I thought of. Plus, nobody ever asked me. The rest of the world assumed I was heterosexual and save for my best friend, I wasn’t really doing anything with anyone. That’s why I told her I didn’t know. She said if I liked girls, then I should call her. She gave me her phone number and left.
Lmao, she was interested?
Yes. Apparently, she’d been seeing me around school and thought I was cute but didn’t make a move because I was always with my best friend. We started hanging out and she introduced me to my first queer community. It was during one of such hangouts I decided to finally label myself.
A bisexual man brought his new boyfriend to introduce to us and while people were introducing themselves by their names and sexualities, I just told him I was a lesbian. It felt right. I was attracted to women, I had sex and was having sex with women, and I had feelings for women. I was a lesbian.
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How did that feel?
Great, actually. At least I stopped telling people “I don’t know” when they asked me what sexuality I was. I was already doing lesbian behaviour, might as well just give myself the title.
Everyone in the group celebrated my finally figuring it out. My girlfriend — the babe who walked up to me — and I had celebration sex that night. I lived in her house more than I actually stayed in my hostel. So, I was having as much sex as I wanted when I wanted.
I realised that it was a relaxant for me. Whenever I had sex, my body just felt like butter and I slept very peacefully or was able to concentrate on whatever tasks I had left. Extremely sexual behaviour means I’m in my best place mentally and physically.
A couple of months after being together, she graduated from school. We both didn’t have the energy for a long-distance relationship, so we let it rest, and ended on good terms.
Then what?
A month after the breakup, I started sleeping with someone. Then three months after, I had two steady sexual partners. My sex life was pretty average for a 21-year-old, but I was content. Slept with the same two people because it was convenient and they were attractive. Plus, over time we’d gotten used to how our bodies worked.
But because the world sometimes hates me, my universe was rocked when I met a man. I never found myself attracted to men, but he was something special. He was taller than me and had such a pretty smile. He was a corper doing his service year in the university. We both needed to see one of my lecturers for something. So while we waited outside the lecturer’s office, we talked and exchanged numbers.
We texted every single day and would talk about the most random things. We had a lot in common so we’d talk about the music we listened to. He’d gist me about how serving was trying to take his life.
This continued for about a month, and then, it was final exams and thesis time. He’d get me food while I studied because I forgot to eat. After my exams, he took me out to celebrate. We went to a nice place and I had such a fun time. I wasn’t expecting him to kiss me, but I didn’t hate the kiss. It just felt different. He asked if I wanted to go back to his place and I agreed. I had never had sex with a man before, and I had never considered it, but there I was following him back to his house and having sex with him. I was supposed to be a lesbian.
Did you enjoy the sex?
It was okay. I’d had better, but it wasn’t completely bad. It didn’t last as long as I was used to, so that was a shock for me. In like an hour, we were done. That included kissing and foreplay. I want to think it also wasn’t the best experience for him because I didn’t know what I was doing. In theory, a gay man had taught me how to give a blowjob, but I had never actually done it before.
After the night, I went back to my place. He kept trying to reach me, but I needed to think. Was I someone who slept with men? It wasn’t the best experience but I didn’t hate it. Plus, I was turned on and thought he was attractive. I was having a crisis.
What did you do?
What any sane and normal human would do, have sex with more men. I wanted to see if it was just him.
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Was it?
It was. When it comes to sex, different people make different experiences. The overall experience might be lacking, but they might make up for it in specific ways. Some men I met were experimental. They wanted to try new things. Some were really fun to give blowjobs to because they moaned in ways I liked.
However, there were some hiccups. We might be doing missionary and I’d reach to their chest thinking they had breasts, and when I feel a hard chest, I’d open my eyes and remember I was having sex with a man. I’ve also tried to spank them and bend them over. I think it was a culture shock. Having sex with men took a while to get used to, and after having sex with four of them, I decided that wasn’t a life I wanted to live.
I even dated a man when I was 22 and it was a beautiful three months relationship until I found out he was cheating on me. I experienced the motions of what it’s like to be with men and I didn’t hate it. I just don’t think it’s something I want to do.
I am bisexual because I’m attracted to women and anyone else. Plus, I enjoy having sex in general. It’s just that I have a preference for women. I want to sleep with them, date them and maybe eventually marry one. And that really fucks up with how I perceive myself as a bisexual woman.
When a lot of people hear about bisexual people, they assume a lot of things. One of those things is that being bisexual means you’re supposed to have the same level of attraction to whatever genders you’re attracted to, but I don’t. I haven’t had sex with a man since I was 22, and I don’t think I’d do it anytime soon. But what if one day I see a man I like and his own fear is that I’d leave him for a woman because I don’t like men as much?
It’s been years of battling this thought process, and homophobia doesn’t make it easier, but we move. I’m back to cutting men off of the list of people I sleep with. I’m still a bisexual woman even though a lot of days, I feel less than.
I hope you finally stop feeling less than
Thank you. I mean, I’m not having sex with men to prove my bisexuality. If anyone doesn’t believe me, they can kiss my ass. Sexuality is not one-dimensional. There are a lot of ways it can be presented and that’s okay. I can have sex with a man, enjoy it, and orgasm from it. I can also marry one and start a family. I’d just rather not.
So, how’d you rate your sex life on a scale of 1-10?
If we refuse to count that period in my life when I was trying to figure out my bisexuality, 8. I was and I am having really nice sex with women. I love it here. If we decide to add the men part? 5. I don’t want to feel like I need to walk down that path again.
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