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We’ve heard stories of married people flirting and cheating on their spouses. But what about stories from the “cheatees”?
We spoke to six Nigerians who confessed to crushing on married people, and the responses got more than a little interesting.
Image designed by Freepik
Favour, 22
A doctor lived in the same compound as I did in 2022. We just used to greet each other until we got talking — and lowkey, flirting — when I went to charge my devices in his flat one day. Two weeks later, he told me he was travelling for his wedding. I was confused — Did I imagine the flirting?
He came about a week after with his new wife, and I stopped going to his flat, but we still chatted on WhatsApp. We mostly talked about each other’s day, movies and football. I knew I’d caught feelings when I started looking forward to his messages daily. I’m not sure his wife knew about it because, sometimes, we’d chat till midnight. We even sexted one cold night but never referred to it again.
One day in December, I had a health scare, so I went to his flat to seek medical advice. His wife wasn’t home. One thing led to another, and we kissed. He apologised and avoided me after. He even stopped responding to my messages for a while, but I know he 100% wanted me too. He probably just felt guilty, so I gave him space. I moved out in January 2023 because of school, and by February, he was back in my DMs.
Deola*, 27
In 2020, this guy joined the company I used to work at. Let’s call him Dolapo. Dolapo was pretty popular in our industry as this talented creative who’d worked with some well-known people and companies in our industry, and we were all pretty excited to have him come work with us.
Then, he came and ended up being one of those diva creatives with an “artistic temperament” that’s really just laziness if you deep it. Anyway, he was fine (really tall and really dark), and I immediately started crushing on him, but we ended up clashing over work because he absolutely couldn’t meet deadlines.
At some point, I found out from his friend (a fellow co-worker) that he had commitment issues and had sworn never to get married. At first, I wondered why this guy told me this, but much later on, I found out that Dolapo liked me. Some weeks after, our company was organising an annual festival, so we had to lodge in a hotel for some days.
In the office on the day of the first night we would spend in the hotel, another co-worker basically implied (rather explicitly) that we can finally do the “deed” since we’d be spending nights in the same building. She immediately apologised, saying it just fell out of her mouth.
We did nothing during our stay, but then, he started sending me really sweet “talking stage” texts and an office fling started after the festival. Then I found out he had a girl’s photo as his Twitter profile image. It turned out he’d done his court wedding with this girl before he even joined the company, and their wedding pictures were all over the app.
Finding out he was married didn’t stop the fling. We continued making out in the office until he left the company and I left a couple months after. I knew it wouldn’t progress to anything. I wouldn’t have even wanted it to if he was unattached. I just liked how good he was at the performative romance and sex.
Now, he just writes me poems and love letters. He’s since relocated to the US, but his wife was denied visa, so she’s still in Lagos.
Deji*, 32
I work long hours in healthcare, so I’m no stranger to workplace crushes. But there’s only ever been one with a married woman — she’s even my current crush.
I was posted to my current workplace a couple of months ago, and I started working closely with this woman. We became fast friends because we have similar tastes in music and joked about the same things. She’s also really beautiful, and I soon started to fall for her.
I know she’s married, but I think she likes me too. She confides in me and hardly talks about her husband. We greet each other with hugs, and colleagues even jokingly call us “husband and wife”. She also brings me home-cooked meals regularly. I want to make a move, but I’m concerned I might just be reading too much into it, and she’d get offended. But then, what if she’s waiting for me to make a move and is disappointed I haven’t shown interest yet?
Esther*, 24
I’ve always been attracted to married men. I think it’s mostly because I’m not interested in commitment myself, so dating married men is safer. At least, you both know marriage isn’t in the works, so no one is breaking anyone’s heart.
I’ve dated two married men in my life, and I’m currently crushing on one. I know I can’t do more than crush because the person in question is my supervisor. He’s very handsome and kind, but he doesn’t seem like the type to have affairs, so my crush will most likely only ever be a crush.
ALSO READ: These Are the Obvious Signs You’re in Love With Your Boss
Jojo*, 26
My pastor is married, but I’ve had a crush on him since I joined the church two years ago. He has this powerful aura about him that’s just difficult to resist. I’m too sure I’m not the only one crushing on him in the church.
It’s a harmless crush because, of course, I’ll never do anything about it. But I’ll confess I’ve fantasised about being with him more than once. If he was the kind of pastor who dates the ladies in church, I’d have fallen since.
Manuel, 28
I had this huge crush on a fellow corps member in 2021. She was married, but I still find that surprising. Maybe there’s a way I expect married people to act, but she was loud and really free with everyone in camp, especially guys.
We were in the same platoon, and we both volunteered in the kitchen, so we spent time together regularly. She knew I liked her — I didn’t hide it — and she’d jokingly say stuff like, “My husband can fight o. Can you?”
She was so free that till now, I can’t tell if she was flirting with me or just being her free self. Nothing happened between us, and we lost touch after camp, but I still randomly remember her.
*Some names have been changed for anonymity.
NEXT READ: “He Doesn’t Buy Me Stuff” — Nigerian Women on Earning More Than Their Partners
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There’s nothing wrong with trying to spice up your sex game with dirty talk. Just make sure in all you and your partner(s) do, these sentences never leave your mouth. Because it might not end the way you like.
“Get on your knees”
It’s giving secondary school intro tech teacher. Never say this.
“What do you want?”
It’s all fun and games till they ask for the pin to your ATM and your life savings.
“Who fucks you better?”
They might respond with “Your daddy”. Now, what?
“I want you to make a mess for me”
They might take this as a dare, and make a mess with your heart. You’ll have no one to blame but yourself.
“Show me your tongue”
Make this simple request and watch them tell you ntoor.
“I love you”
It’s fine if you’ve both said these three words before, but if you’re saying it for the first time during sex? You go explain tire.
“I’ll make you scream”
We beg of you. Don’t talk big and make promises you’re not certain you can keep. It’s bad for team spirit.
“Be a good girl for daddy”
It’s all fun and games until it reminds her of her daddy issues. Now, you have to hear her rant about her childhood and play therapist.
“Take this”
You’ll have to be specific. What exactly are you offering?
“Spank me harder!”
Now, they’re giving you strokes that rival the ones you used to get from your parents. Sorry for you.
Get out of bed and buy your tickets to Burning Ram. We have an endless supply of meat.
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While more Nigerians are willing to talk about sexual health in recent days, it’s still a topic shrouded in secrecy and judgment. We still live in a world where people are scared of buying condoms, so it’s not obvious they’re “doing it”.
In a bid to throw more light on the importance of sexual health, six Nigerians talk about their experience with sexually transmitted diseases and how they managed it.
Image designed by Freepik
“Condoms didn’t protect me from getting herpes” — Jane*, 27
I don’t think people talk enough about how STDs and STIs can be gotten even without penetrative sex. I religiously use condoms, but I noticed painful sores close to my vagina about a year ago. I did a couple of tests, and it turned out to be herpes. That’s when I learnt you can also get it by kissing an infected person or via oral sex. It’s incurable, but I manage it with medication to prevent an outbreak — which means a reappearance of symptoms like sores.
“I didn’t even know I had one” — Dave*, 31
I use condoms with sexual partners but not in serious relationships. I also did an HIV test once in 2019, and it was negative, so I thought all was fine. It wasn’t until 2021, when I had to do medicals for travel, that I realised I had an STD. I didn’t even know I had one — there were no symptoms. Thankfully, it was treatable, so it’s long gone.
“I thought it was just a vaginal infection” — Lola*, 22
I’ve had at least three yeast infections since I was a teenager. So when I noticed some foul-smelling discharge two years ago, I thought it was just a simple infection. I tried to treat it with over-the-counter medication used to treat yeast, but it got worse and progressed to random bleeding. I didn’t want to visit a hospital near where I lived to prevent gossip, so I waited until I returned to school to do a test. It was an STD. I started treatment and informed my now-ex-boyfriend — we broke up because we kept accusing each other of infecting the other.
“I think it’ll come back” — Mike*, 29
I first tested positive for gonorrhoea in 2017 after I noticed severe pain in my genitals. The nurse said it was treatable, and I was prescribed a ton of medication. Even though the symptoms subsided, I still felt pain, so I took another test two months later out of curiousity. I still had gonorrhoea. I treated it again and finally stopped having symptoms, but a part of me still thinks it’ll come back. I haven’t tested for it again.
“I think I got it through a sex toy” — Rachel*, 20
I got an STD last year, and I think I got it through a sex toy. I have a roommate, and she has a couple of sex toys. One day, I was really horny, and I used one of hers without her knowledge. I cleaned it after, though.
A couple of weeks later, I started having pelvic pain and discharge, and Google told me it might be an STD. I got a home test kit, which confirmed my suspicion. I think it was the toy because I wasn’t sexually active at the time, and sources online confirm that STDs can be transmitted via sex toys, too. I treated it but didn’t tell my roommate. How would I say I used her sex toy?
“I’m not sure how I got it” — Jem*, 26
I found out I had an STD in 2021 when my partner insisted we got tested before becoming exclusive. It’s not treatable, and I’m not sure how I got it because I practice safe sex most of the time. I’m glad I know now because I now pay more attention to my health. I’m still with my partner, and we practice safe sex all the time.
We’re bringing you a meat festival! Here’s all you need to know about Burning Ram.
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*Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.
ALSO READ: 3 Things Sexually Active People Should Never Take For Granted
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Considering the amount of time you spend at work compared to anywhere else, your boss might as well be your soul mate, and your co-workers could very well be your partners in one big happy polyamory.
So, no, the fact that these phrases work both during sex and in a corporate setting isn’t weird at all.
“We need to really drill down to get this to work”
Sometimes, good results require intense “drilling”, and for everyone to be willing to put their backs into the task, literally and figuratively.
“Let’s take this offline”
Because some things need privacy, whether it’s calling out a teammate or taking the business off the spicy texts.
“I want to take a deep dive into this”
For when you really want understand a task… or find someone’s g-spot.
“Let’s circle back”
Sometimes, you want to return to a conversation later or get into a particular position that’s one number before 70.
“You always come on time”
There’s only one situation where this is a compliment, honestly.
“Hit me with your best shot”
Sometimes, you need to remind people to give their all. Let’s not waste each other’s time, please.
“You’re so flexible”
Everyone loves the person who can bend over backwards to make sure the work is done.
“Let’s stop to talk about this pain point”
This one is important because why go through something that’s affecting the “business” negatively?
“Teamwork leaves everyone satisfied”
Both in the board room and the other room.
“I’d like to bounce these off you”
For when you want to bounce ideas around. Also works with certain body parts.
“I need you to be more hands-on”
It’s all hands on deck, dear. Again, both literally and figuratively.
“There are so many balls in the air right now”
Corporate people say this when too many things are happening at the same time. But too much of everything is bad, even if it does involve literal balls in the air.
“Let’s leave this on the back burner”
This works in two ways. Either you don’t want to follow through with a suggestion, or you’re feeling a little adventurous.
“You’ll need to increase my salary if you want me to do this”
Like a wise person once said, “Money for hand, back for ground.”
“You’re so experienced”
The only kind of feedback both an employee and sneaky link want to hear.
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NEXT READ: Things You Can Say During Family Dinner And During Sex
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Is it a dealbreaker whether your partner is a throat goat or not? Seven Nigerian men share their deepest, darkest opinions about sex in relationships with Zikoko.
Laser*, 38, Lagos
Does sexual experience matter to you?
I’m very open to teaching my partner from scratch. I’m patient and always excited to teach.
What’s your ideal sexual experience?
One where we have a conversation before we meet up. We’re clear about expectations and what we’re open to. Then when we meet, we build up to it, letting the tension rise. Lots of foreplay and leading each other around our bodies, the erogenous zones, exploring kinky things we’re both into. Aftercare when we’re done, proper cuddling and conversations.
How important is sexual compatibility to you?
Extremely important. No matter how much I love a person, if sexual compatibility is absent, it’s a waste of time.
Is it a dealbreaker?
No. But she must have an adventurous mindset. It’s only if she’s rigid and not open to exploring that I’ll have an issue. That’s when it would be a dealbreaker.
What’s your most memorable sexual experience?
My first penetrative sex felt like an audition because she was the one with all the experience. She tried to relax me — I was open about my inexperience — but that didn’t stop me from feeling pressured. I did it with the mindset of someone who had something to prove, someone who needed to put on a world class performance.
I actually lasted, but omo, I was thrusting like my life was on the line. I don’t want to imagine what I looked like with all that concentration and determination. I wasn’t ready for a relationship, so we parted ways soon after.
Nicholas, 27, Ibadan
Do you consider sexual experience when seeking out a relationship?
It’s something I think about, however briefly.
Ideal sexual experience?
Having some knowledge is a big plus. If she knows her body well enough that it’s not the blind leading the blind, that’s a good lower threshold. I have my basic practices, but everybody is different, so I expect to learn on the job as well.
Is lack of experience a dealbreaker?
Is this a thinly veiled body count question? I don’t consider lack of experience a dealbreaker. Too much might be, depending on how she acquired the XP (experience).
What’s too much?
After a certain age, being “too experienced” is expected. But if you move like Zidane in ’06, but you’re Messi in ’06, question marks on what necessitated such hypersexuality in your life. Aspects of your history will require a conversation.
On a scale of 1 – 10, how important is sexual compatibility to you?
Sex is important, and it’s enjoyable for both parties. Therefore, anything that contributes to it is vital… so I’d say 8.
What’s your most memorable sexual experience?
This one time, I was working from home because my girl and I had fought. I was trying to make amends, but the work day was nearly over, and she still wasn’t happy with me. Then in the middle of a meeting, she became frisky. Having to pause mid-stroke to unmute and give an update was funny.
Sambo*, 31, Lagos
Do you consider sexual experience when seeking out a relationship?
Not really. There are other factors to consider, like shared beliefs, values and interests or money habits.
Lack of sexual experience isn’t a deal breaker?
I don’t really have any. I always consider moderation. Someone who’s experienced might have issues getting along with someone who isn’t because they’ve been exposed to a level of kink they may desire at any time. To avoid stories that touch, let inexperienced people stick with fellow inexperienced people, abeg.
On a scale of 1 – 10, how important is sexual compatibility to you?
8.
What’s your most memorable sexual experience?
I met this person for the first time, we hung out, and the connection was there. That same day, we found ourselves at my place. We had sex, and it was so good. I didn’t expect that on a first date, but I’ll take it.
Ola, 25, Oyo
Does sexual experience matter to you?
Yes. Bring your A game, abeg.
Your ideal sexual experience?
Sex with someone who hasn’t been everywhere. Too much experience can be a dealbreaker for me because what do I want to show you again?
Sexual compatibility for you, on a scale of 1 – 10?
9.
That one memorable sexual experience?
My partner was so good, it felt like she wanted to take my life. The foreplay and sex were intense because we both knew what to do, perhaps, too much.
Deji, 30, Abuja
Does sexual experience matter to you?
It’s a plus, but not a prerequisite. I don’t think anything is too much or less. If it’s on the low end, there’s the opportunity to teach her what I like. If it’s on the other end of the spectrum, there’s the opportunity for me to learn new things.
Your ideal partner?
One who’s willing to try new things and explore my body to discover what I like. She doesn’t have to be a pro.
Sexual compatibility for you, on a scale of 1 – 10?
Omo, I’ll give it an 8. However, sex isn’t everything, and I think compatibility can be worked on.
A memorable sexual experience?
I’ve had my fair share, but one that sticks is when the other person made mouth about their game then fell short. I had to shuffle between faking pleasure or hurting their feelings. I don’t know the film the babe watched, but she was biting me “there” and all over my body. She kept making animal sounds while she was doing it. I took the pain in good faith till we were done.
Sexual experience isn’t a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but it’s nice to have someone who knows their shit. It’s also something that can be learnt, if you guys are on the same page.
Abisola, 33, Lagos
Do you consider sexual experience when seeking out a relationship?
When I was younger, it used to be at the top of my list. But now, I know you can teach your partner how to please you and vice versa.
Can you describe the ideal sexual experience?
I want to be sated at the end of every rump. And I hope to satisfy my partner too. That’s it for me.
Do you consider lack of or too much sexual experience a dealbreaker in your relationship?
Well, not really. Whether she has too much sex or too little, there’s usually a reason for it. You don’t usually find partners with equal levels of sexual experience. The partner with more experience can teach the other who has less knowledge.
One can tell if their proposed partner has been in the streets for a long time. And frankly, that’s their business. As far as we both agree to be committed to each other, I’m good.
On a scale of 1 – 10, how important is sexual compatibility for you?
6.
Juwon, 36, Sagamu
Do you consider sexual experience when seeking out a relationship?
I don’t.
Do you consider the lack of or too much sexual experience a dealbreaker?
It doesn’t matter to me like that. In fact, some of my relationships weren’t sexual.
On a scale of 1 – 10, how important is sexual compatibility for you?
Let’s say 6.5.
Do you have an unforgettable sexual experience?
This supposed baddie I encountered freaked out after seeing my penis and decided to throw in the towel before the main event began.
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Talk True is a Zikoko limited series for medical myth-busting. With each episode, we’ll talk to medical professionals about commonly misunderstood health issues to get the actual facts.
Our society’s obsession with vaginas should be the stuff of documentaries at this point. Every market day, you’ll find at least one person sharing their two cents about how a woman with a high body count is more likely to have a loose vagina.
If it’s not that, it’s people touting the wonders of “vagina tightening” creams to battle loose vaginas. It definitely begs the question: Can “too much” sex really loosen a vagina, or is this widespread belief just a myth? Dr Mary Alo provides answers.
Can the vagina even get loose?
To understand where the conversation about sex and loose vaginas may have started, it’s important to know if the vagina can even be said to become loose. Mary explains that it can feel less elastic.
“The vagina is a distensible fibromuscular organ or tube that extends from the cervix to the vulva. In simple terms, it contains muscles which allow it to stretch and lengthen during sexual intercourse and return to its regular length and width after. It’s highly elastic, and some factors like ageing, which comes with lower oestrogen levels, can cause the vagina to become drier and less elastic.”
So, technically, “loose” isn’t the accurate term, as the vagina doesn’t completely lose its stretch. It just becomes less elastic than before.
So, can sex loosen it?
No. Mary confirms it’s physically impossible for penetration to make the vagina less elastic.
“Sex is not enough to destroy the muscles of the vagina to the point where it loses its elasticity. It’s simply incapable.”
Here’s how it works: The vagina’s anatomy allows it to get lubricated and naturally expand when aroused to accommodate a penis or sex toy. Immediately after intercourse, the vagina returns to its regular state.
What factors can contribute to a loose vagina?
Mary explains that only two factors can alter the vagina’s elasticity: Childbirth and age.
“During childbirth, the muscles of the vagina stretch considerably to accommodate the baby’s size, and this typically results in weakened vaginal muscles. But even then, the muscles go back to normal in about 6 – 12 weeks. However, things like multiple childbirth and trauma during delivery may weaken the muscles even more and increase the risk for the muscles to start losing stretch.
For ageing, as I explained earlier, oestrogen levels dip when women become menopausal, which in turn affects vaginal elasticity.”
Ageing is also associated with a weakened pelvic floor, as a result of decreased collagen production; a structural protein that serves as the main component of the body’s connective tissues. The pelvic floor contains muscles that strengthen the vagina, so when they become weak, the vagina is unable to stretch and relax as it normally should, making it less elastic.
Can the vagina become “tight” again?
We’ve determined that the vagina doesn’t exactly become “loose”, so it can’t be said to be “tight” either, unless you’re talking about vaginismus.
However, you can strengthen the muscles around the vagina to help elasticity and enable it to contract/stretch and relax as it should.
“In the event that childbirth contributes to weakened vaginal muscles, exercises like kegels help strengthen the pelvic floor, and tighten the muscles around the vagina. They’re also the safest option.
For ageing, therapy options like providing synthetic hormones to postmenopausal women help. In some cases, more advanced procedures like laser and radiofrequency tightening and vaginoplasty may be advised. However, these have a certain level of risk and should only be done by licensed medical practitioners.
In response to whether the “vagina tightening” creams and gels marketed by so-called wellness experts work as well, Mary responds in the negative.
“What most of these creams and gels do is dry out the mucosal lining of the vagina, thereby decreasing lubrication. Without lubrication, there’d be more friction during intercourse which gives the false sense that the vagina is tighter. The vagina stretches to accommodate the penis with help from lubrication. If that’s absent, users of these creams may experience temporary swelling of the vaginal tissues from friction which is termed to be “tightening” but is short-lived.
Some of these creams also have astringent qualities that tighten the vaginal walls for a short time, but it’s not a permanent option. It’s also unsafe because it can result in pain and micro tears in the vagina, leaving it vulnerable to infection and inflammation”.
This should be your reaction if anyone tries to sell it to you
The takeaway
No amount of penetrative sex can loosen the vagina, whether with multiple sexual partners or one. The only factors that can make the vagina lose its elasticity are childbirth and age. Even then, there are options to improve elasticity, and kegel exercises are the safest bet. So, if anyone makes a claim about a woman’s vagina being “wide” because she’s had many partners, feel free to hit them *figuratively* with facts.
NEXT READ: Talk True: Is Period Syncing a Real Thing?
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Sexual fetishes and meals are two completely different things. But they have a lot more in common than you think.
Yam = choking
Source: Zikoko Memes The way yam (especially the head) hooks your throat is just too similar to choking during sex.
Semo = BDSM
Source: Zikoko Memes Semo gives punishment vibes. Semo lovers will argue that it slaps, but that proves my point — BDSM.
Puff puff = public sex
Source: Zikoko Memes Ever wondered why puff puff is only available outside, on the streets? The best ones are either hawked or fried and sold at the bus stop.
Rice = role play
Source: Zikoko Memes Rice is the most versatile meal in this world (argue with your laptop). From fried to coconut, white, ofada, banga, seafood, special, tuwo shinkafa, and of course, the GOAT, jollof rice. It’s the GOAT of meals.
Yoruba stew = masochism
Source: Zikoko Memes You like pain? Then nothing screams it more than Yoruba stew. You see someone who eats shaki with their eyes wide open? Yea I’m willing to bet good money that masochism is their sexual fantasy.
Ewedu = oral sex
Source: Zikoko Memes Eating ewedu just before giving head. I won’t explain further.
Cake = group sex
Source: Zikoko Memes It’s pretty clear. You never eat cake alone.
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You’ve been having sex with a particular person who stays over at your house a lot. And you think it’s because they like you and like spending time with you. Well, we’re here to tell you they might actually be homeless and looking for a place to sleep without having to pay rent.
If they do these things, they’re definitely using you for accommodation.
They only call at night
You don’t hear from them throughout the day, not even a text or a funny Tiktok video sent your way. You text them, and they leave your message on delivered. Then at night, they call to say they were busy. Next thing, “Are you home?”
Because it’s time to sleep, and they need a home.
You’ve never been to their house
Anytime you ask about going over to their house, they make up excuses like they have a roommate or live with their parents. My dear, they have no house for them to invite you to because they’re homeless. Your home is their home.
They start coming over without asking
It gets to a point where they come over without informing you. To them, it’s basically “going home”. Before you know it, they’re asking for a key. Send that person back to the streets now!
The sex is mid
They don’t put in effort during sex because they don’t really like you. But sex is the only way you’ll allow them sleep over at your house, so they give you the best they can muster up.
They always have some type of bag
Even when they tell you they don’t plan to sleep over (big lie), they always come with a bag. If you ask what’s inside, they’ll say, “Random stuff”. But somehow, they always have toiletries and clothes to wear the next day.
They start to leave things behind
They’ll play it off as “Oh, I forgot”, till you see half of their clothes and underwear in your closet. They’ve moved in, my dear, and you guys aren’t even dating.
They’re around all the time
You see them even on nights you just want to be by yourself. No way the sex is good enough for them to be in your house Monday to Sunday.
