“Can you come over?” is an innocent four-word question people have reinterpreted to mean “booty call”.
While it won’t be easy to change the public’s view, Nigerian men don’t always mean it that way. They might actually want these things instead.
Your presence as a present
Out of sight is out of mind. They want to prevent that.
To make you fall in love
When Nigerian men really like you, they’ll dedicate all their free time to getting to know you better. A sleepover gives them all the time in the world to look dreamily into your eyes and ignite that spark in you too.
Loyalty tactic
This is a move they’ve devised to show your chasers that you’re taken and not for the streets.
To be treated like babies
Nigerian men crave the baby boy treatment. They want to be able to lay their head on your chest throughout the night. Their exterior may say “hard guy”, but deep down:
A cautionary survey
They want to know your sleeping habits. Do you snore like a frog, ramble in your sleep or sleepwalk? They don’t write these things on the forehead, you know.
To check if you’re a prayer warrior
Another reason why Nigerian men love sleepovers so much is because they get to do night vigils with you, spend the weekend together and end up in church on Sunday. Is it not our elders that say couples who pray together, stay together? We talk to God in this house, dear.
Nothing at all
They just need someone they like around them, but if you offer them the other thing, they’d still appreciate it and proceed to eat it like grocery.
The odds of hearing about a cis Nigerian man curling his toes from prostate pleasure is minimal. But we all know homophobia is the reason the “male g-spot” doesn’t rank high for many cis men, but it’s a hit if you’re adventurous enough to try it.
I’m not trying to impose, but this might just be the new level of sexual pleasure you want to unlock.
First off, what’s the “male g-spot”?
It’s also called the p-spot (prostate spot), but how are cis men to be convinced this is another way to get mind-blowing orgasms if we don’t borrow the “g-spot” from the female sexual design? As the name implies, it’s a sexually sensitive walnut-sized gland that’s just located below the bladder.
The sweet spot
The prostate can be found approximately two inches inside the rectum. It can be stimulated in two different ways, it all balls down to your comfort. You can stimulate externally by rubbing the perineum (a sensitive, erogenous zone between the testicles and anus). Or internally through the rectum, the most direct way.
You might not believe this, but the prostate has almost the same level of sensitivity that the clitoris does. It’s a full-body orgasm ting, bro.
Are you with me?
Eunuch aren’t left out
Demasculinization is the removal of testicles and suppression of male hormones, which is what eunuchs have to do to be, you know, eunuchs. But even they aren’t left out of prostate enjoyment.
Has nothing to do with your sexuality
The male g-spot doesn’t have jack to do with your sexual orientation. Defeat the toxic masculinity, and talk to your partner about it. What’s a hot sex life without explorations?
Set the mood
You want to be fully relaxed and aroused to enjoy the utmost prostate pleasure. It’s totally up to you, but things like a hot shower, foreplay, sensual massages will keep the balls jiggling.
Always be prepared
Once you’ve made up for it, your safety and comfort are next. Clean fingers, short nails, lube. Don’t do anything without water-based lube (the best) or lube shooter (if that’s preferred) — solo or with a partner.
Baby steps
Start slowly. Gently rub and stroke your perineum, try different speeds for different sensations. Iskelebebetiolebebe.
Try a prostate massager
If you’re comfortable enough, why not? Prostate massagers are more available than you think. Do your research, homeboy.
Fear of bowel movement?
It’s a valid question, especially for a first-time explorer. Shit happens, sometimes. Have wipes nearby, just in case.
Breathe and enjoy
Your body’s natural reaction to a prostate massage will probably be to hold in a bit of tension. Try relaxing the body and muscles. Don’t hold your breath, slowly inhale and exhale. Don’t unalive yourself before your time.
Let’s talk about what men do when their significant others aren’t home, shall we? Seven Nigerian men open up to us about how they spend their time when they’re home alone.
“Everything annoys me when my wife’s gone for too long” — Kabir, 28, Lagos
We’ve been married for 11 months. My wife hasn’t travelled since we got married, but I do , once in a while, because I’m a civil engineer. If she travels for a few days , I’ll probably appreciate the freedom of being alone because we’re always in the same space. Audio and video calls will be constant sha. But anything wey pass one week, I’ll start missing her. I don’t even see a situation where we’re apart for more than a week. If it somehow happens, I’ll spend my time hanging out with my friends, but knowing myself, I’ll just start getting angry because I miss her.
“I’m constantly in touch through calls and messages” — Ayo, 34, Chicago
Just having someone you love around is special. But one can’t have her around all the time because of work. My woman is only around for less than 30% of the time. When she isn’t around, there’s more time with the boys, work and TV. But I’m also constantly in touch through calls and text, to manage the lack of presence.
“I read or write and compose music” — Feyi, 40, Akure
If my wife takes a trip with her work colleagues, I get a bit jealous. If she travels alone, I have anxiety because of safety concerns. I love her so much, if possible, she’d be with me all the time. When she has to travel for a long time, video calls help a lot. Alternatively, I stay at home (I’m an introvert) and read or write and compose music.
“I bury myself in work and use music as therapy” — Ife, 29, Lagos
There’s a whole lot of difference when she’s not around. Omo, I dey miss her die. Her touch, presence, food. My wife is the owner and manager of our house, so it’s not the same without her. But I’m never jealous because I know she’s coming back. So in the meantime, I’m home alone, and it’s mostly fast food while I bury myself in work and use music as therapy.
“I take care of the kids with the nanny” — Ifeanyi, 37, Port Harcourt
Having someone to gossip and share moments with, her cooking, kisses and warm hugs — I miss all that. My kids feel it when she’s not around, but I think it affects me the most. I focus on tending to the kids, with the help of the nanny, and I listen to lots of music.
“I stay home, watch a movie, work or cook.” — Demola, 30, Lagos
When you’ve been with someone for so long, there’s an uneasiness you feel when they’re not around — especially for long periods. Luckily, my wife and I are homebodies, so even when we have to go out, we’re both thinking of the quickest possible way to return home. We hardly sleep out or keep late nights.
When she’s around, there’s this unexplained ease I feel just knowing there’s someone I can occasionally snuggle and strike the most random conversations with, hug when I need her or get her to distract me when the pressure from work is mounting. Think of the sudden emptiness you feel when PHCN takes the light; it’s what I feel when she’s not around. I stay home, watch a movie, work or cook. In fact, just some days ago, she mentioned how reassuring it is to know that she can always return home from an outing and I’ll be there.
“Things are boring when she’s not around” — Adeola, 31, Ogbomoso
We’ve been running a business together for a few years now, so we used to stay in the office together, always in each other’s face. We even got on each other’s nerves sometimes. But we recently had to expand, and she’s started managing our new branch. It’s quite difficult adjusting to her not being with me at our old branch, so I sometimes make her skip work because things are boring when she’s not around.
It creates a vacuum at home too; the house gets bigger, and I get angry because everything seems boring. I try to watch a movie, but I still feel her absence because she’s the type to always ask questions, so the silence feels awkward. I don’t cook or eat in the house when my wife’s not around because we always eat from the same plate, and I don’t feel comfortable eating alone anymore. The only thing that keeps my mind distracted from her absence is comedy skits from my favourite comedians on social media. I prefer when we go out, have fun and see places together.
Nigerian men getting accolades from foreign women isn’t new but it’s getting more popular than before. Video clips of women from other countries, hailing them for their skills in romance and sexual prowess are all over the internet.
Nigerian men are like the biblical prophets that aren’t loved in their own land, but somewhere else.
Agenda or not, we investigated and these are probably the reasons why Nigerian men’s stocks have been skyrocketing abroad and the women there are rushing to buy.
Most persistent
Give it up for Nigerian men’s persistence. Tell them you’re engaged or use your husband’s pic as your DP, Nigerian men still won’t be deterred. They want what they want. Other men sit tight when they hear Nigerian men.
They’re good actors
If these men aren’t acting out scripts for these foreign women that love them, why do Nigerian women drag them even if it’s 3 AM?
Someone said Nigerian men are forming saints because of strict laws abroads.
Because y’all treat abroad women better. There is a system in place to fuck you up when you maltreatment a woman abroad! But in Nigeria, y’all give the bottom barrel behavior to nigerian women. https://t.co/sQoYb9Qux2
— 🧚♀️Oluwadamilolatikiitan🧚♀️ (@princess_shewah) June 18, 2023
Billionaire onye ji cash
Nigerian men strongly believe in the power of money to keep relationships. They’re well-known big spenders that spare nothing when it comes to spoiling women. Isn’t that valid enough reason to become intercontinental darlings?
Intense penising must be Nigerian men’s default feature. If not, foreign women won’t jump at any chance to affirm that the blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice. Another proof all the way from Asia.
What Nigerian men have done to the international community is not good ooo 😭😭 pic.twitter.com/DMCpBlOUG5
When you start buying too much into your own hype, you get less in touch with reality. How can it not be a delusion if Nigerian women don’t agree with their foreign counterparts?
Nigerian men’s PR is soo bad 😭😭because how is my dad sitting me down to tell me nigerian men are bad for me and i should stay clear of them
Maybe it’s just some heavy, organisedPR we’re seeing lately.
But two truths can coexist, right?
Let’s go argue it out.
When Nigerian women say “Nigerian men treat foreign women better” the important context that’s always missing is that foreign women “treat Nigerian men better too” Different expectations + experiences = different outcomes.
Nigerian men have audacity. That “I’ve to see it through, my boy” type of audacity. But at the sudden mention of blind dates, they lose sight of the endgame.
They may argue that it’s not a popular concept in Nigeria and say they’re not desperate for love, but we know actual reasons why they avoid it.
They like making their own decisions
If you like, know Nigerian men best, know what satisfies them and what turns them on and off, they’ll twist it and say you don’t think they’re decisive. To them, that’s putting their eggs in someone else’s basket in their book. Best to leave them to their ultimate search for love.
They’re on all the dating apps
Blind dates aren’t Nigerian men’s cup of tea. Everything is easier now, they can just hop on RCCG’s ConnectNow and swipe till they find their spec.
Likely to meet an ex
Men that have slept with the whole Nigeria. Especially Abuja and Lagos men. They won’t go on blind dates because the chances that it’s a babe they’ve ghosted is high.
Everywhere is hard
Where’s the money? In these agbado times? The cost of living is too high to risk it. They’re blind to blind dates.
Nigerian men think of themselves as odogwu and king of boys, but they can’t handle rejection. Ego gets bruised and they start asking if they’re not good-looking enough and start showing banks accounts. These same men on blind dates?
Avoid becoming Twitter gist
Nothing sends cold shivers down a man’s spine more than scenes where his date goes on Twitter to sew threads about the experience. The fear of dragging is the beginning of wisdom.
Forming hard guy
Blind dates are for hopeless romantics. Small heartbreak, Nigerian men can’t take. The way they say “is it love we’ll eat?”, “money over everything,” you’ll realise 24 hours isn’t enough time for them to think about money. But the truth is, they’re just running from heartbreak.
Artistes are stepping up and sharing personal experiences about mental health, which is bringing the topic into the spotlight and inspiring others to open up too.
June is men’s mental health month and though it may come as news to some men, we hope it becomes a normalised culture that won’t need reminder at its time. Here are a few deep-cut songs,with themes around mental health that men should listen to.
Trigger Warning: there are mentions of suicide and suicidal thoughts.
Duade — Show Dem Camp ft. Cina Soul
In 2019, SDC released its classic album, Clone Wars IV: These Buhari Times; an audio-documentary of the Nigerian political, cultural and mental ecosystem. The fourth track, Duade, (featuring Ghanaian singer-songwriter Cina Soul,) explores the topic of masculinity and depression. Tec opens the song with a message about how men in this part of the world don’t have an outlet to talk and often grow up thinking it’s wrong to express themselves emotionally or be vulnerable.
A Self Evaluation of Yxng Dxnzl — M.I Abaga ft. Niyola
This song starts with a voice note of M.I’s mum telling him to always do the right things and not forget where he comes from. But all M.I wants to do is “drink, fuck, smoke, chill, party all day still,” with an admission that he’s been battling a deep depression and can be the worst guy sometimes.
This song comes from his most vulnerable piece of art, Yxng Dxnzl (A Study on Self Evaluation). Across the ten-track album, listeners experience the rapper at his most human and honest form, tying mental health awareness with his personal journey, insecurities and short samples of his therapy sessions at the end of each song.
Wetin We Gain — Victor AD
Wetin We Gain was one of the biggest hits of 2018. Apart from its catchy chorus and relatability, different meanings (like quick wealth and internet scams) have been attached to the song, in opposition to its actual message; a cry to the heavens for a breakthrough. But it’s even deeper. The most memorable lines of the song expresses the daily fear of average Nigerian men, who feel pressure to be the breadwinners of their families.
I’m A Mess — Omah Lay
After his latest release, Boy Alone Deluxe, we can all agree Omah Lay is the current Nigerian poster boy for vulnerability and emotional travails. On I’m A Mess, he deeply expresses his broken heart, sadness, and finding escape in liquor. Baring age and gender, everyone can relate to this song due simplicity, both in production and lyricism.
It’s Okay To Cry — Yinka Bernie ft. Joyce Olong
Nigerian multidisciplinary artist Yinka Bernie accurately describes the feeling of being stuck; an experience that a lot people today can relate to, on Joyce Olong-assisted It’s Okay To Cry. Inspired by personal experiences which made Bernie doubt his music career; he soothes listeners with an encouraging message of hope and the acceptance of vulnerability: “It’s okay to cry, it’s okay to feel lost inside.” This song feels like reassurance in audio form.
Alpha Ojini’s Tears Are Salty For A Reason EP is filled with deep cuts tracks of vulnerability, but Odeshi explores masculinity and mental health profoundly. Ogranya lays a chorus that expresses bottling up tears and other emotions, and Alpha details struggling with mom’s demise and the ‘manly’ approach his tough dad gave him to deal with the long-time grief. All of this is coupled with the mental stress of surviving Nigeria and an ex serving him breakfast. Ogranya ends the song with “I go still commit” which translates to taking one’s own life; an expression of the last resort if the darkness doesn’t stop hovering over him. It’s a powerful record that reminds one why mental health is important and issues shouldn’t be bottled.
A Song About Suicide (Mr. Babalawo Reprise) — PayBac iBoro
Nigerian rapper PayBac iBoro has been a big advocate of mental health since he made an official entry into the Nigeria music industry in 2015. On his 2018 album, The Biggest Tree (his present to all depressed West African kids), is A Song About Suicide. PayBac expresses strong suicidal thoughts and his final wishes after he’s gone, over a dark fusion of Afrobeats, African percussion, trumpets sounds — all instruments you’d find at interments. Overall, the song is based on his fight to hold tightly to life and his beloved family and friends.
Dance In The Rain — 2face Idibia
This is one of 2Baba’s greatest recordings. A record that pushes a message of deep appreciation for life and enjoying it, taking every breath of air, being present in the moment and staying open to possibilities. In a period like this, this song is a good refresher and great reminder to chin up and stay positive.
How Bad Could It Be — Burna Boy
Off of Burna Boy’s 2022 album Love, Damini, this song opens with the voices of U.K singer Jorja Smith, Nigerian boxer Kamaru Usman, dropping statements about self-control; and making rational decisions during intense situations. Burna Boy glides on the guitar and laid-back beat that accompanies it, singing about the punctures of anxiety and dreadful feeling of searching for answers in the wrong places.
take a break — Odunsi (The Engine)
Odunsi talks about his mom’s constant complaints about his absence from home. But she needs to understand he’s been busy working hard to achieve success and make her proud. If he’s not making things happen for himself, who else will? These are some of the mentally-challenging situations inspired by his personal experience, the song encourages resting and recharging to avoid burnout.
Don’t let your 9-5 or business make you miss out on the softest parenting experience. If you’re considering being a stay-at-home dad, and you need convincing, this is the right place.
PS: Points work best when your wife is a millionaire.
Overcome patriarchy
When you become a stay-at-home dad, you can stop crying about being the breadwinner. Slowly, you’ll break-free from the shackles of societal expectations of men.
Let your woman breathe
Take the role, and let her finally have time to focus on her dream job or having several girls night outs.
No more paying bills
No more school fees, housing or feeding bills resting on your shoulders. Let your breadwinner wife worry about those things.
If you’re so damn good at your stay-at-home dad role, you might never worry about working for capitalism again. You get to work for your family instead, and what’s more fulfilling than that?
You won’t miss milestone moments
Work trip on kids’ birthdays? No more. Meetings during family events? Bye-bye.
You’ll be present now and can finally stop complaining about how you miss important events because you’re grinding for what they’ll eat.
Learn basic life skills
You never know when actually knowing how to cook can make you a world record holder. You also have all the time in the world to learn how to clean up after yourself and other people, nurture a child and sing/produce nursery rhymes.
Become a full-time video-gamer
You get to play your video games during school time. And you could even make some money and recognition on the side. Win-win.
Fill a special content creation gap
Use your rich wife’s money to buy a mic, camera, ring-light and everything else vloggers use these days to create TikTok and YouTube shows. Then wake other men up to this new life with your stay-at-home chronicles.
As people flooded social media with heartfelt personal stories on Father’s Day 2023….
…eight Nigerian men share how they marked the special day.
“I spent time gisting with him (my father)” — Ayodeji, 27, Lagos
I visited my dad with fruits and spent time gisting with him — he always gives me the tea around stuff going on in the family, life advice and just general gist. I also spent a good part of the day on Twitter and Instagram, where I saw some people’s negative and positive experiences with their fathers. Reading the stories made me appreciate mine more and cherish the moments spent with him.
“I celebrated at home” — Feyisayo, 40, Akure
I’m an introvert, so I was indoors with my family after Sunday service. In the morning, my wife and children presented a gift to me and told me how much they appreciate me. That’s perfect for me.
“My wife spoilt me with food” — Opeyemi, 32, Lagos
I went to church. Then, my wife took me to get a burger. At home, she made white rice and turkey stew for me. Even though I thought I was just doing my thing, my family and friends said I’ve been killing it, and the kind words got me emotional.
“I spent the day at work” — Ifeanyi, 37, Port Harcourt
I was at work, where I posted my kids’ pictures on socials, like I do every Father’s Day. I got some lovely messages from friends and family too, and it felt awesome.
“I spoke to my kid and had some wine” — Imoh Umoren, 40, Lagos
I video-called my kid; I work in Nigeria, and he’s in the U.S. He wished me Happy Father’s Day. Then, I opened a bottle of wine because it’s not easy. My father died when I was a teenager, so I had no chance to buy him anything. The day made me a bit sober as I contemplated the efforts I’ve put into fatherhood.
“It was a reassuring day of love for me” — Vikky, late 30s, Lagos
Unfortunately, my wife and daughter travelled on the day, but we spent the whole time before the flight taking memorable pictures. My wife’s passion and vibe mean so much to me. She made sure to tell me she appreciates my effort, reassuring me of how much she loves and cares for me. It was awesome, special, and I felt like a baby.
“I was in class for most of the day” — Femi, 29, Lagos
I had to attend my postgraduate lectures that day. But there was a huge outpouring of love for my dad in the family group chat. It felt warm, and I’m glad. I think I might’ve underrated how much I love my dad.
“I enjoy fatherhood now” — Nath, 26, Ogbomoso
I tried to run away from fatherhood — I had my kid when I was still a child myself, and it was strange for me — but it’s a thing of joy now. There was little or no time for us because I just started uni. Now, we spend more time together, and I’m happy about it. We didn’t do anything special this Father’s Day, but seeing fathers get their annual flowers was great.
My Bro is a biweekly Zikoko series that interrogates and celebrates male friendships of different forms.
Dubem and Felix have been friends for over 20 years, even though they didn’t speak to each other for almost a decade. In this episode of #ZikokoMyBro, they talk about starting a rap group as teenagers, falling for the same girl in university and the tragic loss that reunited them again in 2020.
Let’s start from the very beginning. How did you guys meet?
Dubem: We attended the same secondary school back in 1997. Felix was my older brother’s school son. It was a boarding school, my first time away from home, and my brother introduced us because he wanted someone to look out for me.
Felix: You were supposed to be my school son even though I was in JSS 2. But I knew you’d give me plenty wahala from the moment we met.
What were your first impressions of each other?
Dubem: Felix was a busybody. I come from a strict home, so being in boarding school was my first taste of freedom. I was among the most popular boys in JSS 1, skipping class and attending every social night. However, Felix was always there to tattletale on visiting days. He’d come over to my family and play the tape of all I’d been doing. I couldn’t stand him.
Felix: I thought he was a spoiled brat. I come from a family where we didn’t have much, so I understood responsibility early on. He was wasting his time gallivanting around instead of focusing on school. In hindsight, that freedom to be himself away from home must’ve been an enormous relief. I admit that I took my school father thing a little too seriously.
It wasn’t until I got into SS 1 that we finally connected and became friends.
How did you guys connect?
Felix: Rap music.
Come again?
Felix: Yes, rap music o. This was the 1990s, and rap music was the biggest thing. Everyone thought they could be MCs, and I used to write bars and freestyle in private.
Dubem: I didn’t think he was cool until I heard him rapping DMX’s Get at Me Dog one day. I’ll never forget because DMX had just dropped Its Dark and Hell is Hot, and I was still learning his flow. This guy already knew everything word for word. I told him I was a DMX fan, and we started talking about rap.
Felix: I was shocked. I thought he’d be into the white pop music stuff, but this boy knew his shit when it came to rap, talking about Big Pun, Busta, Ice Cube and Dr Dre. We got so deep into the conversation that I did something I’d never done with anyone before, I shared some of my rap songs with him.
Dubem: I was blown away by how personal and tight they were. I gave him some of my mediocre bars, and we decided to start a rap group that day. We called ourselves Redemption Crew.
Like Rihanna fans say every day, “Where is the album?”
Felix: We didn’t put one out. Now that I think about it, our name sounds like that of a hip Pentecostal church choir. But it was hot back then, sha. We really thought we’d become big-time rappers.
Dubem: It’s not too late. We can resign and chase our dreams. Abi, what do you think?
Felix: That’s a hard pass for me, please. LOL.
So what happened to the Redemption Crew?
Dubem: We both went to UNILAG, fell in love with the same girl and everything scattered.
Back up. It’s a lie.
Felix: Unfortunately for all our potential fans, he’s telling the truth. We had a few popular songs in secondary school because we kept performing at social nights and parties. I eventually left for UNILAG in 2002, and Dubem came in a year later. University was different. The stakes were higher, and school was intense. Despite this, we still worked on the low and had plans to chase the rap thing once we were done.
Dubem: That was until I met Ebele. My first girlfriend in university and the first girl I ever loved. She was in her first year, just like me, and we had an elective course together. It was love at first sight for me, but it took a lot of convincing to get her to go out with me. We started dating, and my life was perfect.
Felix: I met Ebele through Dubem and didn’t think too much of her. They shared an elective, but she was in my department, so I saw her more often. We only started talking because of Dubem, and it was surface-level. However, when they started having problems, she came to me, and the conversations changed.
Dubem: Our problems started about a year into our relationship. I got involved with some weird guys and started struggling with school work. Instead of finding a solution, I took it out on her by being distant. I’d stay with these guys and disappear for weeks. It was my fault. I was also distant from Felix. I pushed you guys towards each other.
Felix: My friendship with Ebele started from our mutual complaints about Dubem. It helped that we both had someone to share the stress this man was putting us through. He eventually got his shit together, but it was too late because she was over it. I’m his friend, so I was still there.
Felix, how did your relationship with Ebele become romantic?
Felix: It started in 2005 when I was in my final year, and almost two years after they were together. Ebele and I had gotten closer, but I didn’t even know how much I liked her until she kissed me while I was tutoring her. We both felt guilty about that kiss, but our feelings had become undeniable. I couldn’t lie to myself or my friend. Dubem had to know.
Dubem: I knew about their friendship and thought it was cool, but kissing? I lost my shit when he told me. He didn’t date anyone all the time he was in school, and now that he finally decided to see someone, he chose my ex? I was livid. I started replaying scenarios in my head. Had he been playing me from the start? Did he always want my babe?
Felix: I explained how our feelings grew as best as I could, and just sat there and let him have a go at me. I deserved it. What I’d done was horrible, but I was tired of running away from how I felt.
How did you guys figure it out?
Dubem: I stopped talking to both of them. I couldn’t handle it, and I didn’t owe it to them to pretend that I was okay with it. I’d lost my best friend and a girl that was special to me, all at the same time. It was hard. And then I heard Felix moved abroad, which sealed it for me. We were done. RIP Redemption Crew.
Felix: Lagos, scratch that; Nigeria, wasn’t big enough for us after what I did. I felt so embarrassed. I’d become that guy who breaks bro code and gets with his friend’s ex. I had to move far away from those who knew us, so I pursued my master’s in America. Ebele came to join me, and we got married in 2008.
Dubem: I heard about their wedding from his cousin, which reopened the wound. I didn’t think I’d ever be able to be in the same room with him again. We didn’t see or talk again for 13 years until I got a call from Ebele after the lockdown in 2020.
What was the call about?
Dubem: She called to tell me that they’d lost their son in the height of the pandemic, my friend was a wreck, and they were moving back to Nigeria. I was shocked when I realised who I was speaking to. The Ebele I knew was soft-spoken, but this Ebele was direct and uncompromising. She didn’t beg me to show up for my friend; she told me to.
Felix: That’s Ebele for you. She’s always in control. But yes, that loss took me to a dark place. I had built a life in Texas, but I knew it was time to come back to the life I knew here. Losing my son in a place where my support system was shallow changed my perspective on coming home. I knew it was time, but I immediately started feeling anxious about Dubem, and I think my wife sensed that.
She eventually told me she’d spoken to him and set up a meeting for when we returned to Lagos.
How did this meeting go?
Dubem: I’m not ashamed to say there was a lot of crying. I’m a dad too, so I could connect to what they were both going through. These two people still matter to me regardless of what happened in university. Seeing Felix like that, I wanted to be there for him.
Felix: I was sweating a lot the day he came over to our place. Seeing him again brought back all the memories of writing lyrics in our notebooks and planning our lives together. It felt like I was in boarding school again. I didn’t know how much I’d missed him until I saw him.
Regardless of how I felt, I knew it was important to talk about what happened if we were going to move on from it.
Dubem: I think he wanted to be sure I wouldn’t randomly stab him one day . LOL. The talk was necessary sha. He apologised again and spoke for hours. But honestly, I’d moved on. I loved Ebele, but we were never meant to be, and that’s fine. I’m married to the love of my life. I’ve never been happier.
So how’s your relationship now?
Felix: We’re in a great place. We were intentional about not rushing into anything or overwhelming each other. We had the occasional family Sunday dinners and slowly graduated to hanging out alone and doing things together. I was scared we wouldn’t have anything to say to each other when we were alone, but we still had much in common. And most importantly, we still love each other.
Dubem: We always have something to talk about, Felix. We’re still the same guys who loved DMX in school, it’s just that you have some grey hairs, which makes you old, and you also think Pusha T is a better rapper than Kendrick Lamar.
Felix: But he is.
Dubem: I think that’s what our kids call a red flag.
With so much history between you two, would you change anything about your friendship?
Dubem: The time we spent apart. I wish we’d spent it getting to know each other better as we got older. We were apart for most of our 30s, and that’s time we’ll never get back again.
Felix: True. I would’ve loved to meet Dubem, the first-time dad.
Dubem: No, please. That was a crazy time. That girl wouldn’t stop crying and shouting everywhere we went. I always looked like a madman.
What’s something you’ve always wanted to tell the other person?
Dubem: I know a part of you still carries some guilt because of what happened in school, but I want you to know that I forgive you. I meant it when I said it in 2020, and I mean it now. I’m so happy to have you back in my life. I can see us in our 80s arguing about rap music over glasses of scotch. You’re my man, and I’ll always have your back.
Felix: Thank you, Dubby. You’ve made moving back home such a seamless process; there’s no way it would’ve worked without you. I love you, and I’m so proud of the man you’ve become. Your authenticity has been consistent since the day we met, and it’s one of the few things I can always count on, no matter what.
No, I’m not crying.
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Father’s Day comes once a year. To celebrate 2023’s edition, seven Nigerian men talk to Zikoko about their ideal Father’s Day celebration.
“All I do is put up pictures of my kids on socials” — Ifeanyi, 37, Benin
Celebrating Father’s Day has always been something my wife and kids do for me rather than me doing anything for myself. They wish me Happy Father’s Day, and sometimes, get me gifts. All I really do is celebrate fatherhood by putting up pictures of my kids on some socials. That’s the ideal Father’s Day for me. It’s worth noting and celebrating the life of a father or man with responsibilities, and I appreciate it.
“I’d likely be a father myself before I celebrate one” — Yinka, 30, Lagos
I’ve never really cared about Father’s Day or how it’s celebrated. I was raised by a single mum; my dad wasn’t present at all. So it’s a normal day for me, especially since it doesn’t get a lot of buzz like Mother’s Day and special celebrations for women. If I ever consider celebrating, maybe I’d be a father myself first. But right now, it’s just another day for me.
“Sometimes, I don’t want to be a father at all” — Vick, 23, Ilorin
Let me begin by saying fathers are not celebrated well enough. Everybody knows, but we never complain. Just check how many songs we have for mothers and match it to the ones for fathers.
I don’t have anything planned for my father on this less anticipated day. But God knows I’m trying my best to make it big and give this man the best life. He has dream cars, houses etc., but he prioritises my demands and works hard to meet my needs. I pray to God to spare his life so he can reap the fruit of his good labour. I think of him and cry sometimes. Being the head of a family isn’t always joyful. Sometimes, I don’t even want to be a father at all. It’s a lot.
“It’s a mellow day for me” — Juwon, 34, Sagamu
Oh, I miss my dad. It’ll be a mellow day as usual. I’ll write a song as I’ve done in the last three years, call his wife and relive great moments. God bless his soul.
“Fathers shouldn’t be neglected in their old age” — Folasayo, 59, Ogbomoso
A father should celebrate having kids and his ability to train them to be better people. It’s an important day, and it should be spent with family, love and gifts. Especially older fathers, they shouldn’t feel neglected in their old age.
“I’d love to surprise my dad with a visit to the spa” — Maleek, 27, Ilorin
I don’t really have anything planned, but here’s how my ideal father’s Day would look.
My dad works really hard. Even when you tell him to take a day off, he’d start fixing broken stuff around the house. On Father’s Day, I’d love to surprise him with a visit to the spa. We’d both get a full body massage, relax in one of those hot rooms with thick, white towels around our waist, get haircuts and some facial treatments and get our feet and nails cleaned too.
Next up, we’d go for a medical consultation. He’ll get the best recommendations on natural supplements to boost his immunity and overall health. Then, we’ll go and buy some expensive native clothes. I know he likes lace materials a lot. We’ll get those and go over to the tailor’s shop. Finally, we’ll buy all sorts of chops and drinks to be enjoyed at home with everyone.
I’m one of four boys, so I know I might not have him for a full day. But that’s how I would love to spend Father’s Day with my dad.
“If possible, I’d get him a gift” — Abisola, 32, Lagos
We no really send Father’s Day, but I like the fact that we have a day that celebrates men who’re fathers. I think it makes a lot of sense. Regardless of the hard guy thing, I think we all want to be celebrated. Well, I’ll call my dad to wish him a Happy Father’s Day, post him on all socials and make him feel good about himself. If possible, I’d get him a gift.
