You know how everyone is always crying about how Lagos men are wicked, serving breakfast up and down? Well, let’s introduce you to Abuja men and their shenanigans. Known for hobosexualism – the art of squatting with your sexual partner, these men are the real pandemic. But you know what? They’re actually hardworking as well. Here are some of the inspiring jobs they take on when they’re not eating all your food for free.
Fitness Trainer
One of the most lucrative Abuja baby boy roles has to be the fitness trainer route. You see them all the time on Instagram and probably in every gym in town. These guys have like 18 packs and will take off their shirts faster than CBN can announce a new financial cock-blocking policy. During the day, they’re at the gym helping their clients learn the new booty building squat routine, and by night, you’ll be sure to either spot them at the latest clubs in shirts so tight they can barely breathe or in the bed of one of their clients doing plumber work.
Selling “bespoke” trad
Everyone who is anyone in Abuja has a clothing line at this point. What do you expect in a city where everyone dresses like they have a high-class wedding to attend? This is also another job you can take on while you live off your girlfriend. To do this well, you need to have a reliable tailor and a little bit of Instagram clout, so when you decide to sell one up and down for ₦80,000, no one will bat an eyelash. After all, it’s not really the trad they’re buying, it’s the aesthetics.
Running a barbing salon
Another lucrative scene in Abuja is the barbing salon industry and we don’t use the word “Industry” lightly. In Abuja, a haircut can go for as high as ₦5,000 depending on the location and general je ne sais quoi of the place. Some will cut your hair, rub your head small, and decide it’s enough reason to bleed your account dry. If you can convince a woman to let you live with her for free, then getting her to open a barbing salon for you shouldn’t be so hard.
Chasing contracts
This is the Abuja version of “I have containers on the high sea”. Unconfirmed statistics show that one in every six Abuja men has one or two contracts in the pipeline and that’s why they’ve mastered the art of drafting proposals. Literally, anyone can write you a business plan in Abuja. This is also one of the ways Abuja hobosexuals weasel their way into your bed and your Garki apartment. They’ll tell you one of their contracts is being processed and if you’re not jazzed up, you’ll enter one chance.
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Influenza
Thanks to social media and Keeping up with the Kardashians, it’s easy to make a life for yourself just by being internet famous these days. Tapping into this market, Abuja men can be influencers for any and everything from waist trainers and slimming tea to just strolling through restaurants with Lecrae’s Coming in hot playing in the background. All you need to excel at this is a fine face, nice outfits and a phone with a good camera. For extra followers, throw in some muscle ear and dear.
A lirru bit of gheigh
Landing a senator or minister in Abuja is not as easy as Abuja Connection made it look. While Clarion Chukwura and Eucharia Anunobi were battling it out for the tough men in the city, your competition here might just be the boyfriend you left at home. You’re not the only one who likes money, sis. And like the popular video says, “All of us na ashewo.” So please, keep that in mind.
What does it mean to be a man? Surely, it’s not one thing. It’s a series of little moments that add up. Man Like is a weekly Zikoko series documenting these moments to see how it adds up. It’s a series for men by men, talking about men’s issues. We try to understand what it means to “be a man” from the perspective of the subject of the week.
Today’s Man Like is Michael Ejoor, an actor and singer known for his roles on AfricaMagic’s Tinsel and Unbroken.
In this episode of Man Like, he talks about dealing with paralysis as a child, being bullied in secondary school and how that sent him into depression, surviving a devastating suicide attempt and how his job helps him escape his problems.
Can you tell me about a moment from your childhood that stood out to you?
When I was six, I got diagnosed with something called Guillain-Barre syndrome. It’s a disease that affects the central nervous system, so I was paralysed for over a year.
What? I’m so sorry.
When I look back, I realise my paralysis was a gradual process. It started when my teachers complained about my handwriting becoming harder to read. I couldn’t hold my pencils properly. Then before I knew It, I started limping.
Didn’t your parents notice?
I remember my mum telling my dad that I was limping at the time, but he was so busy, I don’t think he took it seriously. When he spoke to me about it, I also told it wasn’t serious. It wasn’t until I couldn’t walk or use my arms completely that it finally hit us all that it was real.
Damn. So how did you guys cope?
My mum was really scared. I don’t think I’d ever seen her cry so much in my entire life. As a proper Nigerian mother, she called pastors and all sorts of people to pray for or pray with me. There were so many pastors coming in and out of our house, it was insane. I was always on the floor with people joining hands in a circle and praying for me.
How about your dad?
He didn’t really show a lot of emotion in public at the time, but I’m sure he must’ve in private. He put on a brave face for the family.
Suddenly not being able to walk must have been tough for you as a child.
Oh yes. At the time I loved playing football and it crushed me every time I saw people playing football while I sat in a wheelchair. I mean, a part of me was hopeful that I’d walk again, but it still hurt not being able to do so at that moment.
How were you able to walk again?
Something interesting happened. My family moved to Germany and were there for almost a year consulting with doctors. I was poked and prodded, and I think they even put me on a clinical trial at some point. To be honest, they did a lot before they gave up and decided that I should be moved to a care home. According to their tests, there was no life in my legs, which meant no hope.
Ah?
At that point, I was also sick and tired of being in a hospital. Even though they had given up on me, I knew I was going to walk again.
So you didn’t move to the care home?
No. I randomly started walking again.
What! How?
We were in our flat in Munich, and my little sisters were playing with my wheelchair. For some reason, I just really wanted to push it with them. I still don’t have an explanation for it to this day, but I just got up and took a few steps. Obviously, they weren’t strong and I had to hold on to the wall for support, but they were steps nonetheless. And from then on, I just started to practice and learn how to walk. I grew up a firm believer in God, and I believe he changed my story. The doctors had even said it’d affect my brain and I wouldn’t be able to process things, but I ended up graduating with a first-class in university, and here I am chatting away and being an absolute nuisance.
Ah mad! How did your parents react when they found out?
I can’t express how happy they were. LOL.
There was a glitch where I stopped walking the day we were supposed to fly back to Nigeria, and my mum didn’t shake. She was like, “You’ve walked before; you’ll walk again.”
Tell me about your parents. What’s your relationship with them like?
I’m my mum’s only son, so my mum and I are close. She’s so cool. I was 15 the first time I went to a club, and I didn’t sneak out because she just let me go. Years later, I asked her why she did that, and she said she knew she had raised me well.
I didn’t connect much with my dad growing up. He was just this guy I called “dad”. We’re cool now though.
How did that happen?
I honestly don’t know. It was almost like we just started talking one day and never stopped. I think I grew up and realised what being a Nigerian man was like and understood how men were raised to exist in a certain way. For example, how many people have heard the words “I love you” or “I’m proud of you” from their fathers? Everybody puts up their dad’s picture on father’s day, but if you ask them about things that have to do with one-on-one time, a majority don’t have that. People just expect fathers to be that way.
I also figured that if I wanted a relationship with this man, I had to be open to understanding where he was coming from.
That’s deep. Still on fatherhood and by extension manhood, can you tell me about a turning point in your life that defined your idea of what manhood means?
I would say coming to terms with my mental health struggles. I’m clinically diagnosed with depression, and I’ve had to live on anti-depressants for many years.
I’m sorry. When did you get your diagnosis?
I got diagnosed in 2011 when I was 23 years old. It started when I went to boarding school in Nigeria and was bullied heavily. One time, I was literally thrown down a flight of stairs, and another time, someone put a knife to my neck.
That’s insane.
It really affected me and changed my outlook on life. I would wake up and wish I had died in my sleep. My parents started wondering why my mood was erratic and why I stayed away from other people. I had moments where I would constantly just sit in the dark and there were other times where I cut myself. But they didn’t find out why. I was on antidepressants for over five years.
I’ll say coming to terms with my struggles helped me define my manhood. It helped me understand that I didn’t have to be strong; I could break if I needed to.
You spoke about growing up christian. How did this affect your diagnosis?
People are told that as soon as you find Jesus, your life will be perfect. But even Jesus admits that we will go through troubles. I don’t walk around thinking because I’m a Christian everything will work out for me. But one thing I’ve come to understand is, when there’s a setback, I’ll be better for it in the end and there’s a reason it’s happening.
We decided I should see a professional when I attempted suicide.
I’m so sorry about that.
It’s all right. I was in a bad place. I did crack, got drunk and overdosed on a bunch of pills. They had to pump my stomach to take out over 40 pills. I was so embarrassed because when I woke up, the first face I saw was my mother’s. You’d expect panic, fear or disappointment, but her face was blank. I couldn’t help but think of all the emotions she had gone through before this. The look on her face hurt more than anything. To be honest, I was also thinking, “Why didn’t this work so it’ll all be over?”
It can’t be easy going through this and holding on to a career that demands that you throw yourself into a wide variety of emotions over and over again. How do you cope?
I tell myself I’m normal. Society and my mind might try to tell me otherwise, but I’m normal. Nature has just made me super hyper-attuned with my emotions. There are times when handling everything gets really difficult. I had a mental breakdown which led to a seizure right before a premiere once. I should have stayed back home, but I told myself, “Pick yourself up.” In the end, I left the premiere giddy, without the burden of what I had previously experienced.
Looking at that night, I will say my work helps me manage my depression. I love being an actor; I escape the noise in my head when I become someone else.
That’s an interesting way to experience work. We’ve spoken about navigating your career, how about relationships?
Omo, I just ate breakfast recently. I haven’t been very lucky with relationships.
Ah! Why?
LMAO. Maybe I have a bad character.
Lol. But seriously, why?
I think it’s the right person, wrong timing. I also feel like I have commitment issues. That’s all I will say
Hopefully your future bae doesn’t see this.
Please, they should read it and know now. LOL.
You did an interview with Funmi Iyanda where you went public with your mental health story. Coming from a society where this isn’t really talked about, how did that feel?
It was scary. I almost pulled out that day, but I’m a man of my word and that’s the only reason I went through with it. I was scared that people would treat me differently once they found out. I was also scared it would affect my career.
In retrospect, I would do it over and over again. I saw all the people it helped and to be honest, I haven’t gotten any negative backlash, at least not to my face. Yes, one day it might come up when someone is trying to drag me, but I don’t care. The feedback I’ve gotten so far is that Nigerians can be kind.
For my final question, I’d like to know your greatest fear.
My greatest fear is never making an impact despite all the things I’ve had to go through in life. I don’t want to believe I’d go through everything in my life for it to not have any meaning. God please.
December is to Nigerians what summer is to the rest of the world, a month of going crazy and being the best hoe you can be. With IJGBs coming back home for the holidays, the hook-up pool will be as wide (and as dirty) as Lagos beaches, but we’re here for it. As the first major December post-lockdown, this is not the time to be getting into relationships. Do you want to break up with your girl and make it look like it’s her idea? Here are a couple of moves you should try without having to cheat.
1. Become an Arsenal fan
Announce to her that you’re switching teams. Joining a club known for failure clearly shows that you have no plans to excel in life. She’d be forced to re-evaluate her future with you and before you know it, she’ll give up on you. Freedom to fornicate anyhow!
2. Go out to eat without her
They say the way to a man’s heart is food, but these days, that statement feels like a scam. We all know how Nigerian women love themselves some food – before you can breathe, “When are we going to try that new restaurant?” Go alone and try out that new restaurant she suggested. If you’re feeling extra, order pasta and put it on your IG story. You won’t meet her at home.
3. Start comparing her to your ex
Want to really set the ball rolling on your break-up so you can be free before the first IJGB lands in the airport? Randomly start comparing your girlfriend to your ex. “Folake would never…” or “Chinasa always made it this way.” Do this once or twice and she’ll either poison you or leave. It’s a risk. But, as the great philosopher Akpi once said, ”Take risks and succeed.”
4. Ask her to get on top
Every girl says she has “Megan knees” until it’s time to get on top and boom! They have arthritis. The next time you guys are having sex, refuse to contribute to the project unless she gets on top. In fact, create a timetable of who will be on top and when. She might attempt it the first time, but she’ll start wondering if the stress of being on top is even worth it.
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5. Suggest a threesome with her childhood friend
Omo, this is a big risk because she might end up saying “Yes,” which would trap you deeper into the relationship. But then again, it’s already the second day of December, so we’re running out of time and options.
6. Forget to flush
Even your best friend would break up with you because of this. What?
7. Respond to her messages with “Ok”
Imagine after she sends you a long text describing a very intense situation and all you respond with is “Ok”? There’s no way that relationship will see another day.
8. Start using her expensive skincare products in the wrong way
With the Naira falling like there’s no tomorrow, skincare products have achieved gold status. Really want to piss off your girlfriend? Use the most expensive products in her stash (hint: it’s always the products in tiny bottles). If that doesn’t do the trick, apply it wrongly and forget to seal them properly.
9. Get a Mohawk
Take her back through time with this affliction of a haircut. You also have to go all the way with this by making sure they dye the tip dirty brown. While your mates are getting dreads and looking buff, you’ll look like someone preparing to pass out of secondary school. Peak embarrassment for her, freedom for you.
10. Block her on social media
This is the last straw. Unprovoked, just block her on social media while the both of you are literally on the same bed. The shock alone will end your relationship that night.
As Nigerians, especially men, talking about your feelings or addressing mental health issues don’t always come naturally. Thanks to years of social and religious conditioning, we have been taught to either stay silent or seek spiritual solutions to our problems. With the world slowly changing to allow for open conversations, Zikoko spoke to five young Nigerian men in their 20s about their experiences with therapy and what they’ve learned (if they learned anything at all).
Caleb, 22
I have been in therapy for eight months. I realized earlier this year that I no longer wanted to be alive. I didn’t want to kill myself, but I silently prayed for death. I had to go in for therapy based on my professor’s suggestion. We had taken a random Beck’s Depression Inventory (BDI) test in class and it showed that I had a severe case of depression. I have to admit that it was weird at first – you’re essentially opening yourself up to a stranger, but I’m glad it passed.
One thing I’ve learned is that therapy isn’t a quick fix. It’s given me a sense of self-awareness that I have to keep putting in the work if I want to see changes. Before therapy, I had told my family how I was feeling but they couldn’t help interrogate what was wrong in the way I needed. We (men) haven’t been raised in a society that doesn’t understands how complex the mind is. Whenever there’s a suicide report or awareness about men’s mental health, we talk about paying attention, but people aren’t even learning to listen to their friends talk. Worse, we’re not learning to respond appropriately.
Somadina, 26
I felt the need to see a therapist because I knew I needed to talk to a professional, a stranger that wouldn’t judge me. I suffer from depression and was once suicidal. Despite all of this, I couldn’t make it past two sessions because I couldn’t connect with my therapist at all. I remember talking to her about being an only child and she told me to go out and make new friends. Ma’am, I have friends and in case you’ve forgotten, we’re in a panini. Before therapy, and even now, I found it hard to talk to people about my issues because they’d either judge me or add to my problems. Some might even think you’re being dramatic or you’re overthinking things. My two sessions showed me that therapists aren’t problem solvers; this doesn’t mean that I’ve given up. I’m currently on the lookout for a new therapist.
Daniel, 25
Let me start by saying I’m a pastor’s kid and the first male child in an Igbo family, that alone is cause for therapy. As Nigerians, we are taught to swallow our pain, cast all our cares on an “Almighty God” and not bring shame to our families. Between 2015 and 2017, I attempted suicide about five times. My friends connected me with my first therapist after they got wind of my last attempt. However, I couldn’t make it past one session with my first therapist as she started with prayers, suggesting that I pray to God to “take away” my sexuality. Thankfully, I found another therapist, a queer man who helped me navigate my life for the six months I was in therapy. Going to therapy helped me accept my sexuality and learn how to extend grace to people to learn and unlearn. I am currently considering going back to therapy to handle the weight of my life.
Jamal, 27
While I’ll say I’ve always had a pretty good life, I had to consider therapy when I realized I was always sad and only a hair’s breadth from bursting into tears. I’ve been going for six months now; I saw a clinical psychologist for three months but I wasn’t getting better so I switched to an actual psychiatrist. I wouldn’t say I’ve learned anything new, the entire process is just boring AF! I thought I’d unearth some profound truth about myself, but it hasn’t been the case. People see it as this inherently good thing even when it’s not entirely necessary. That’s not to say I haven’t benefited from it though, it’s just not as life-changing as I thought. Also, I have to keep going if I want them to keep giving me antidepressants.
Kelechi, 27
I’ve been going to therapy on and off for about three years now. I was suffering from debilitating anxiety and I would hyperventilate a lot. I also had issues accepting my queerness because I didn’t fit in with the LGBTQ+ community and there were hard times in my relationship with my family. I’ve had two therapists so far, but I had to leave the first one because I felt we were a little bit too similar. She didn’t challenge me much and I needed someone to call me out on my bullshit. While my new therapist talks too much, he’s helped me understand the importance of addressing conflicts immediately they arise. It’s nice to have someone that challenges me and I can’t get mad at him because it’s his job.
No matter how often you do them, some workout routines just feel like they were created in hell’s torture department. Some people will tell you that these moves are “easy” or “fun”, but they are dirty bitches who live a fake life… Here are some of the hellish exercises that make us want to shrivel up and die every time we try them.
No exercise steals your joy like the plank. If you’ve ever wanted time to stand still, then plank. 60 seconds begin to feel like 60 minutes, and you’ll find yourself sweating like a whore in church.. Whoever invented this move must have been a sadist. But it works sha.
This is another move that looks easy until your soul starts screaming for help. Why would anyone think it makes sense to suspend yourself in the air and start lifting your legs? Why? Yes, it’s effective. But that doesn’t make it any less demonic, dear.
We already established the importance of training your legs here. But one thing we’re not going to be doing in this house is front squats. Probably one of the hardest variations of the barbell squat, this move will have you calling for your mummy even if you manage to do it correctly (if you do it anyhow, you’re on your own). Like, can we live? Squats are already hard enough, this is just extra and the gym bros are overdoing it please.
One day, you’re trying to escape punishments in secondary school. Next thing, you’re grown and now paying to undergo the same punishments you barely survived. Life really comes at you fast. If you really deep it, burpees are a combination of frog jump and “raise your hand and close your eyes”. All these moves that combine two or three moves into one, for who, please? Did we tell you we wanted to be part of the Avengers?
This is the one where you hold a kettlebell or dumbbell and then do your lunges to the side. The important question here is: why? Some people now decide to be extra by doing it with a barbell above their head. Life is vanity upon vanity o! This show off you are showing off will not matter after you leave this world o. Let’s all take it easy. It’s not that serious.
One of the best moves to add to your routine, deadlifts are one of the key full-body workout moves for total body strength. . The problem is, they also hurt like hell! If you do it right, it hurts. If you don’t do it correctly, omo, your back is doomed. t There’s just too much going on, and all for what? So we can post thirst traps? You see this body, however, you see it, just take it like that please.
The problem already starts with the name. Why are we doing something that was clearly created for people in Kirikiri? If you hear this name and still decide to do this move, then anything you see, take it like that.
If there’s one thing, working our “abs” has taught us, is that there’s nothing wrong with having a lirru bit of fupa . After all, on judgment day, they won’t create a separate queue for people with six-packs. So, my dear brothers and sisters, stop stressing yourselves and focus on your heavenly race abeg.
What does it mean to be a man? Surely, it’s not one thing. It’s a series of little moments that add up. Man Like is a weekly Zikoko series documenting these moments to see how it adds up. It’s a series for men by men, talking about men’s issues. We try to understand what it means to “be a man” from the perspective of the subject of the week.
Today’s Man Like is Saviour “Duktor Sett” Ezeoke, a musical artist and producer. He talks to us about growing up as a sheltered child in Jos during the crisis, escaping through music, working on one of the biggest albums of 2020 and facing his feelings when things get tough.
What was growing up like?
I grew up in a barracks in Jos, Plateau state. I used to think my life was really hard because my dad never allowed us out to play or make friends. I also didn’t have toys or anything, so all I had access to were the musical instruments in my living room. That’s how I got introduced to music.
But as a child you need friends, didn’t this affect that?
To an extent, it did. As an adult, I still don’t have a lot of friends and I feel weird about that. But I took away this confidence that I don’t need anyone but myself. I’m a one-man army.
You mentioned Jos. If you don’t mind me asking, were you there during the crisis? If you were, how did you cope?
I was. It was scary to see people being that violent because of religion. You had to be very cautious about the people around you and the places you visited. We surrounded ourselves with people of the same religion to avoid being attacked. It was particularly scary for me because my university was close to where most of the attacks were taking place.
At a point, you get desensitized. We had seen the violence when we lived in Kaduna, so we were used to all the fighting. You just try to be safe and survive. That’s what my family did.
Looking back at these events, do you think they influenced you in any way?
Yes, they did o. When I moved to Lagos in 2015, I was terrified. I didn’t really talk or go out much, so my first two years in Lagos was hell; I couldn’t keep up with how Lagos worked. But now, I feel like I have a grip on things.
So what would you say Lagos has taught you over the past six years?
I’ve learned that Lagos is a place where you have to be of value to yourself before people can look your way. Like, I have to be the best version of myself before I can attach myself to a unit.
Interesting. When did it hit you that you’ve become a man?
E neva too tey. It was just a few weeks ago. The last time I could remember my age was when I was 21 years old. The gap between both ages is just a blur to me. I recently realised that I’ll turn 30 soon, which made it click that I’m actually a grown-ass man. I was so busy trying to discover myself that I lost track of time.
Do you feel like you’ve finally discovered yourself?
If we’re calculating it using percentage, I’ll say I’m at 60%.
I’m intrigued. What do you need to get to 100%?
I need to grow older. It’s all going to happen in due time.
Fair. So to the music, can you tell me how you got into music production?
I like to say I was born into music. My house always had a live band and there were instruments all around me growing up. When I was 15 years old, my dad connected me to the late MC Loph for lessons on how to make music and my interest in production piqued. Once I was done with secondary school; it was all I wanted to do.
Why production?
I get bored easily, and production was the only thing that didn’t bore or satisfy me. I have tried my hands at sports and other aspects of music, but nothing stuck. I don’t have to think too much when I’m producing.
I’ve heard artists make music to either connect with their emotions or run far away from them. What does music do for you?
It makes me happy. I enjoy bringing things to life. Music is the only thing I’ve been called to do on this earth. If I don’t do it, I feel like I’m disappointing the universe. I know I get emotional and down sometimes, but music is something that the moment I’m in the zone, nothing else matters.
Talking about music, Basketmouth’s Yabasi was one of the biggest records of last year and you produced the whole thing. How did that happen?
I’ve wanted to work on a highlife project for a long time and randomly Basketmouth reached out to me about collaborating on the same thing. We made the album in like two weeks because everything was seamless and the energy was high.
Mad.
Honestly, when we made it, I was just having a good time. I didn’t know people were going to fuck with the album this way. I remember I used to jam it in my car because I liked it. I just wanted to share what I was enjoying. But then it came out and everyone got into it, which was insane. I’m happy people like it because I made it during one of my lowest points. I wanted to give up production because all my ideas weren’t working out.
When did this happen?
Just like everyone else, I had made plans for 2020, and then Covid happened and I couldn’t see any of them through. I wasn’t even seeing a future for myself. And then Yabasi came along and changed everything.
That’s wild. I’m curious to know how you navigate your new life in this industry?
Music to me is like working in a bank. It’s my job and not my whole life. I make sure my life and my job don’t clash. My life is about my mum, my sisters, my friends — basically surrounding myself with the people I’ve known and loved for a very long time, just so I never forget who I am.
Talking about building a life outside music, what are some of the things that give you joy?
It’s the simple things for me. I love movies! I could watch movies for a week straight. And then there’s eating good food and just surrounding myself with the people I care about.
Honestly, same for me. In your own words, what is the hardest part about being a man in Nigeria?
Making money. It’s a dog-eat-dog thing where everyone is trying to one-up the other person. No one is helping you, not even the government. Sometimes you just wake up in the morning and you have to ask yourself what you’re doing with your life.
So how do you handle the days when you wake up and have no idea what to do with yourself?
Anytime this happens, I do my best to actually feel it. I don’t run away from it. We all don’t like to feel low, but I think sometimes it’s absolutely necessary to sink into your feelings. The only thing is I do my best not to stay there forever. Also, when I feel this way, I try something new or something I haven’t done in a long time.
Like what?
It could be trying a new meal or new sounds in the studio. I experiment a lot when I’m in a mental funk.
Maybe I should try that too. As you’ve gotten older, I’dlike to know some of the things you’ve had to let go of as a man.
Do you know the “don’t talk back to your elders” thing? I’ve had to shake that off. We were brought up to believe that even when older people are wrong, as a sign of respect, we were to keep our mouths shut. As I got older, I realised it’s important to say exactly what you want to say. My respect for you doesn’t mean I have to be silent.
How about in your relationships?
I’ve learned that women are women, and they’re not men.
What does that mean?
Men like to treat women like they are men, but women are different. They have lives that are unique to them and you must try to understand things from their point of view. And sometimes you just have to do things so that peace will reign. Lol.
Valid point. I’m curious to know if you remember the last time you cried.
Wow! Probably five or six years ago.
That long?
Yes.
What happened?
I think my sister needed something and the situation made me frustrated, so I cried. Eventually, I stood up to look for a solution. I think it was good for me because it reminded me that I’m actually human. I tend to forget that.
If you could go back in time and advise a young Ducktor Sett, what would you say?
That he was right. Growing up I used to doubt myself a lot, thinking that my ideas were crazy. For instance, I should’ve moved on from formal education as soon as I was done with secondary school. But then again, I like that I did everything I did, including the things I didn’t like. It sort of gave me discipline. But going back to advise yourself might just lead to something worse. Whatever I did then that I felt didn’t make sense probably contributed to my journey.
Being a bisexual man in Nigeria opens you up to many questions and emotions. Some of these questions are internal ruminations interrogating who you are and what you want, while others come from a society that views your existence as the inability to make a “choice”. We spoke to five bisexual men about discovering their sexuality.
Tayo, 29
So the interesting thing is, while I had always found men attractive, I’d only dated girls. Having a thing for men in Nigeria is not only “shameful”, it’s very dangerous. Like, lose-your-life level of danger. Knowing this, I pushed my attraction down for the longest time because I was scared. However, in 2012, out of boredom and having met a couple of queer guys, I went on the gay hookup site Grindr. I found a guy, invited him over, and we had sex. Even though it was confusing and chaotic the first time, I really enjoyed it. I didn’t want to hook up with the queer guys I knew because what if I was wrong or things got messed up? Anyway, I have a girlfriend now, but I’m still trying to muster up the courage to tell her. I’m scared she’d either think I’m gay or that I just want to be sleeping with everyone. Women are already scared you might cheat on them with other women — imagine adding men to the mix.
Brian, 25
I like to say I knew I liked boys from the day I was born. The first person I ever found attractive in primary school was a boy, and it had always been that way up until my final year of university when I came out to a couple of people that I was gay. But in my final year, I realized I had a thing for this girl I used to have study sessions with. I told myself I liked her in a “Hey girlfriend!” way, but I found myself thinking of her and jerking off. . I finally told her how I felt. She liked me too, so we hooked up. It was great and we continued for like a year after school. These days, I hook up with both men and women, sometimes at the same time. It took me a while to tell my gay day ones sha, because in some way, it felt like a betrayal to the gay community, like I wasn’t part of the inner circle anymore. It stings that I can’t connect with them about this part of my life, but they are doing their best and I accept that. Hopefully, with time, they’ll get it. But until then, I’m living my life to the fullest. bi and proud!
Josh, 28
I found out I was bi after I got invited into someone’s marriage by way of a threesome. So I had been hooking up with the wife because they had an open thing, but I never really knew what her husband looked like because we were trying to keep things as casual as possible. On the day, she invited me over and her husband was there. I had never hooked up with a guy or described a guy as sexy until I met this man with his salt and pepper beard. After a couple of drinks, we got into it and I f*cked both of them. I was already a very sexual person before my first experience, so I figured if I was a hoe with women, why couldn’t I be a hoe with men? People think bisexual women are intriguing but when it’s men, they must be confused? Me, I don’t care. I still meet up with the couple once in a while; sounds cliché, but they opened my eyes to what I’d been missing.
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Uche, 25
People think bisexual men are greedy sluts, men going through a phase, or men with internalized homophobia. I believe all these assumptions are bloody lies. Why? I’m none of those things. I even wish I had the energy to actually be slutty. I don’t know how I knew, but I’d always felt an attraction to both sexes. Typically, as a Nigerian, my first relationship was with a lovely girl. It was good and we were happy. After that, I dated another girl before I relocated to the UK and found my current boyfriend. A lot of people assume I only started dating a guy because I moved to London. Well, yes and no. Yes, because here I can hold my man’s hand and go grab coffee. And no, because I had always found men attractive, I just didn’t find one willing to commit openly back in Nigeria. I also wasn’t ready to date someone in secret, if I love you, I want to love you loudly and freely.
Olusola, 22
I had always thought I was gay. Because I had a preference for men, I did my best to invalidate my attraction toward women. I thought I was losing my “gayness” and conforming to society. I felt like I had to pick one because it didn’t occur to me for a very long time that I’m just bi. I’m a virgin so I haven’t exactly had penetrative sex with either of the two, but I don’t think sex validates attraction. I’m also tired of the questions: “Are you more into men than women?”; “Who will you end up with?”; “Is it a phase?”; and my personal favorite, “Are you sure you’re not gay and in denial?”. My answer to all of these questions is that my life is nobody’s business.
Yes, we get it, leg day is scary. So many things could go wrong on this dreaded day, from your legs giving way mid-workout to your shorts ripping to reveal your bum while you’re dropping it low mid squat. But the truth is, with going to the gym, random accidents can happen regardless of what you’re working on. Then there are the men who see the squat rack and immediately think to themselves, “But what do I need a big booty for?”, Well, while doing lunges might give you a big booty (nothing bigger than what God planned by way of genetics), training your legs, in general, does a lot more than that. Did you know your gluteus maximus a.k.a your booty is the biggest muscle group in your body? Not those rock-hard abs or bulging biceps, it’s your behind!
With this in mind, we’ve compiled 5 reasons you shouldn’t skip leg day. Read and be blessed.
It helps you build more muscles….all over
There’s a common misconception that working on your legs only builds, well, your legs. However, this isn’t the case. While your legs might be the primary focus, these moves also engage several other muscle groups. For instance, when you squat, you have to tighten your core, which in turn works your abs. Then there’s the scientific evidence which shows that performing leg-focused exercises increases your testosterone levels, increasing your muscle mass and your performance in the bedroom. Yes, that too!
You get to burn more calories
Remember we mentioned legs being the biggest muscle group? Well, to work on a muscle group like that, you’d need a lot of energy, which means your body will have to burn more calories. Talk about practical magic – the more you train legs, the better your metabolism works and the more calories you burn. Running up and down like your enemies are chasing you is a good way to burn calories, but let’s suggest mixing it up with some squats, lunges, and deadlifts. You’ll thank us for this combo.
You perform better at other exercises
Once your legs are in top shape, chances are you’ll find it easier to perform other routines. From running to lifting heavy weights, your legs are the foundation of every move you make. If you avoid training legs, your strength at the gym will be limited, and in this tough economy, we’re sure you don’t want to waste your gym subscription.
You don’t want to look like Johnny Bravo
We all know those guys in the gym, the ones who strut around the weights room, invisible from the waist down. Yeah, trust us when we say you don’t want to be that guy.
Working on your legs reduces your chances of getting injured
Ever blown your back out in the gym? It’s nothing like the sexual version, trust us. You should know that lower back pain is oftentimes caused by weak muscles, particularly weak legs. Strengthen your leg muscles, bruh.
The next time you walk into the gym and think squatting is a “women’s” thing, think again. Also, what’s wrong with a man having a booty?
Take a second, think deeply, and ask yourself: how many times have you been completely honest when answering the question “How are you?” The truth is, our regular responses to this question tend to be reflex answers, not sincere ones. So think again; if you’re doing this, chances are, your guys are probably doing it too.
With the world (and Nigeria in particular) constantly moving mad, we need to check on each other beyond social media bants. Here are five ways to intentionally check up on the men in your life.
Hit them up with something they’re interested in: As we said before, “how are you?” has casted. One of the best ways to truly gauge how your friend is feeling is by having general, everyday conversations with them. You know what he likes, right? DM him memes that get him going, ask his thoughts about something he’s passionate about, send him Twitter beef; basically, try to make the conversation as normal as possible. From the flow of your conversation, you might be able to tell if something is up, which allows you to ask about his well being without it feeling like an ambush.
Create time to see them in person: So many times we’ve sent texts and the receiver either exaggerated or downplayed our feelings because, well, they can’t see us. While your friend might text you back that he’s “good,” it would be harder to lie to you in person. Call him up and tell him you’re bringing food over (almost always works), ask to borrow his gamepad, offer to buy him drinks, just make sure you’re able to hang out with him. During your time together, you might just pick up on something a text wouldn’t have shown you.
Don’t be afraid to open up first: It is safe to assume that we are all going through it at the moment. One way or the other, life is showing us pepper. Another surefire way to get your friend to open up is by opening up yourself. It’s hard to be vulnerable with someone who looks like they have their shit together. So let your friend know you’re struggling too, no matter how small you think that struggle is. However, it’s important not to do too much that you forget why you’re there in the first place. Your friend could see you in a new light and feel compelled to share.
Listen. You don’t always have to offer a solution: So he has opened up to you, what next? It’s human nature to immediately start offering advice, but remember, sometimes all people need is someone to listen to them. Giving him what you assume to be a solution might just make matters worse (unless you’re sure as hell that your plan is solid). The best thing to do is listen, tell him you understand (even if you don’t, yet), and reassure him that he has your support. Don’t be extra or over the top. To feel heard and understood helps validate someone’s experiences and feelings, so the best way to react might be not to offer advice or opinions unless specifically asked.
Give them space, but remind them you’re there: If there’s one thing men hate, is the feeling of suffocation. You can’t force someone to open up to you; they may be working on it in their own way. Also, sometimes men just don’t want to talk about their mental health. The important thing is that you stick around and maintain an open channel so they’ll find you when they’re ready to talk.
We know it’s hard to do all of these things while dealing with your personal shit. But the truth is if we don’t look out for our mandem, who will?
What does it mean to be a man? Surely, it’s not one thing. It’s a series of little moments that add up. Man Like is a weekly Zikoko series documenting these moments to see how it adds up. It’s a series for men by men, talking about men’s issues. We try to understand what it means to “be a man” from the perspective of the subject of the week.
Today’s Man Like is Uche Uba aka Vcheba, a designer, stylist and fashion illustrator. He talks about growing up the youngest of six children, how he deals with the different reactions to his style and his two cents on how to be a man.
Tell me about your childhood?
I am the last child in a family of six; however, I grew up a bit lonely because there was a massive age gap between myself and my siblings. I was way too young to offer them anything. Either way, I enjoyed my own company and was super close to my mum. She wasn’t super strict, and I could talk to her about some things. She was still traditional though, and sometimes it was difficult to discuss certain issues with her. Like the time I was molested in boarding school, it wasn’t something I could run and talk to her about. She’s still everything to me even though our relationship has gotten a little distant since I became an adult.
Do you want to talk about boarding school?
Sure. I was really small and fragile which made me an easy target back then. Physical abuse made up the bulk of my experience. There was sexual abuse too. Everyone had some story about a senior calling them to a corner and touching them inappropriately. We didn’t know what to call it because it didn’t feel aggressive. There was something about knowing you were not the only one that made it a little bit bearable. I didn’t know how much damage it caused until I started experiencing certain trauma responses down the line.
Want to talk about that?
I’ve had issues with trust and anxiety. After school, I found it hard to be in a space with more than five grown men I wasn’t familiar with. And it’s wild because you don’t immediately link it to your past, but your body just subconsciously knows that this could end badly, so just avoid it. I try to be attentive to myself, so when these things happen, I try to trace them back to their roots.
How do you deal with this trauma?
You never get over it. I don’t dwell on it anymore, but I still remember it. I’m glad that I worked through mine in a way I can finally have open conversations about it.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. So, in this day and age, what does being a man mean to you?
I don’t think there’s one way to be a man. If you identify as a man, you’re a man. Society tries to pressure us to present ourselves in a very rigid way, but the beauty of humanity lies in our differences. I’ve had people ask me I’m non-binary because of my style, but I’m not. These questions tend to pop up the moment you dress or act differently. There is space for everyone to show their versions of manhood. For me, being a man is living in truth and owning my decisions. But deviating from the norm in a place like Nigeria can be dangerous.
Dangerous?
I’ve been attacked by police and touts several times. I once took a Bolt ride and the driver asked me to come down when he saw my acrylic nails. At this point, I don’t think anyone’s opinion of me threatens the essence of who I am.
Does your family have any issues with how you present yourself?
I make compromises when I’m visiting my family. It’s not like I wear acrylic nails 365 days in a year. There are days when I’m at home and there’s nothing on, so if I can do that in my house, then it shouldn’t be an issue taking them off when I visit them. But they know the way I dress and there are times when they have expressed their reservations, but it has never really been a big deal. Also, they are from a different generation so the way we dress as young adults will always be strange to them.
We’ve touched on the negatives. Have there been positive reactions to your style?
Yes! People come up to me to tell me that they’re really shy and scared, but seeing me inspires them to fully be themselves. It’s wild when I think about it. I’m just me. Despite everything happening in this country, I don’t know how to be anyone else but me.
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I’m curious. How do you manage your mental health?
This is a constant journey. There’s a stigma surrounding mental health, so I’ve found a way to talk to people about what I’m going through without being direct. Therapy is not cheap! I know it’s not the healthiest way because I need to be honest about my struggles, but as I said, I’m working on it.
Do you think men get the short end of the stick when it comes to mental health conversations?
Yes. As men there’s a perception of us where we’re supposed to be strong “alpha” males. And this is a perception that we continue to feed. While we ask society to be more open to these conversations about men and mental health, we also need to cultivate a habit of communicating how we feel. We need to make the first step.
What’s one misconception people have about men that needs fixing?
I would say the idea that men should be strong. I don’t think there should be any shame in being a softer person. There should be space for everybody. Men don’t have to be anything.
As we continue to evolve, what’s one thing we should leave behind?
I want us to move past thinking that equality is a threat to who we are or our livelihood.
What would you say is your biggest fear?
My biggest fear is somewhere in between not reaching my goals and being left behind. I want to be successful and renowned in my field. I’m also scared of dying unexpectedly because it’s the one aspect of my life I can’t control. I once saw a truck run into a man’s car and I’m sure he didn’t wake up thinking he’d die that day. If I’m dying, I want to know I’m dying.
What motto do you live by?
There’s no time for regret. If it has happened, it has happened. Regret is not the same thing as reflecting.
What does happiness look like to you?
A safe space. I feel like I have this sometimes, but there are days where I don’t feel that way. It’s definitely a work in progress.
