These days, almost every guy is going to the gym and working out as if there’s a war coming and we just don’t know what to make of it. With the rate at which mandem are hitting the gym these days, it only felt right that we explore some of the pros and cons of becoming a Nigerian gym bro.
Pro: People fear you because they think you can fight
The moment your chest starts looking like throw pillows trapped under a blanket and your arms look bigger than someone’s head, everyone around you automatically assumes you know how to fight. You’ll find men hailing you randomly with “big man”, “boss” and every other oga-adjacent name in the Nigerian dictionary. This is good for your self-esteem, and to be honest, it’s just great to know no one will try nonsense with you out of fear.
Con: Muscle is vanity and you can’t fight
Tell the truth and shame the devil. Can you fight? Having big ass muscles is great, but you’ll need more than that to win a fight. Remember how small David finished Goliath with a catapult? That’s about to be you when you decide to use your vanity muscles in a real fight and die because your opponent decided to throw an antique Nokia phone at your forehead. Better sit down and add more whey protein to your pap.
Pro: Women want to hold and touch your arms all the time
Women love to hold arms. I don’t know why, but it does something for them. That and rubbing a bald head like they’re expecting a genie to jump out of it. When you become a gym bro with big arms, your girl and her girls will grab your arms for no reason. It’s actually cute.
Cons: Women really really like the arm thing and you’ll get tired of it
Even though I initially described it as cute, the cuteness will wear off and you’ll slowly start dying inside. Sis, leave my arm alone now! Do you want to remove it and take it home as a souvenir from my burial?
Pro: Going to the gym and eating clean improves your mental and physical health
Every gym bro who actually eats right and maintains a consistent routine will tell you that they wake up and go to bed feeling really good. Yes, life and this shithole Nigeria will frustrate you daily and no amount of Romanian Deadlifts can save you from that. But at least you know the one place you can escape and be in control is the gym, and it feels so fucking good.
Cons: Improved mental and physical health, but at what cost?
Living a healthy life is expensive AF! Why am I buying a “healthy” wrap full of leaves for ₦3000 when I can buy a shawarma and a low-budget bottle of diluted wine for the same amount. Then there’s a gym membership, protein shake, creatine and pre-workout money? It’s too much abeg.
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Pro: You’ll look good naked
I don’t even have to say too much about this. Gym bros and removing their clothes unprovoked go hand in hand. Working out builds your confidence and that’s why all you need to do is breathe and a gym bro will take off his shirt (and pants sometimes) just to show you his gains. Oshey, Ikeja Chris Hemsworth! We keep saying it’s to track progress, but deep down, we’re just whores of Babylon.
Con: Your whole existence becomes a thirst trap
The moment you post a shirtless picture or a picture in your underwear tracking your quads or hamstrings growth, people will rush into your comments shouting “thirst trap” and “ashewo”. It’s almost like gym bros can’t breathe without being sexualised. We just want to have peace and be treated like every other human. Is that too much to ask?
Pro: Your clothes will fit better
When you work out, clothes fit better. You can rock the yassified version of the classic igbo man mosquito net shirt or really tight shirts, and it’ll all just fit like a glove. Your clothes will always give what they’re supposed to give. But kindly note that if you didn’t know how to dress before,, becoming a gym bro isn’t some How Do I Look? style intervention.
Con: Your old clothes don’t fit anymore
Being naked is not a bad thing, but at some point, you’ll have to wear clothes and what will you do when your clothes don’t fit anymore? We talk about this sensitive issue in hushed tones and it gets swept under the rug a lot, but the same thick thighs that save lives do usually rip your jeans every two months. Your favourite trousers will turn into leggings and your favourite shirt will start to restrict your airflow. E choke for real, my brother. Who has money to be changing clothes in this economy?
Pro: You make friends with other gym bros
There’s always a community of other gym bros looking to support and champion you on. When you hit a new personal record, they’re there to hail you. And when you feel like you can’t push through that final rep, they’ll scream and shout until you actually do it. It’s actually really sweet how gym bros show up for each other.
Con: Weight can fall on your head any time, any day
This is pretty self-explanatory. As someone who has had a barbell fall on his face and scatter his teeth, I can confirm that this and other gym accidents usually happen once in a while. Are you sure you can handle it?
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