african | Page 3 of 5

1. You, when your mother says you’re going to the market with her.

The stress begins.
2. How she holds her purse when she is walking through the market:

Can’t risk it, abeg.
3. When she passes the first shop selling it N500 and walks 30 minutes to buy it for N490 from her customer.

Na wa.
4. When she starts pricing and you actually feel like she is cheating the seller.

Mummy, take it easy na.
5. You, after she successfully prices from N2000 down to N200.

Even though it took forever.
6. When your mother that said she just wanted to buy meat is now pricing lace.

How did we get here?
7. When people are still grabbing and shouting at you with your mother right there.

Hian! Do I look like the one with the money?
8. You, constantly trying to keep up with how fast she is walking:

Chai! Slow down na.
9. When she sees one of her friends and they just stand there gisting.

Kuku kill me.
10. When your mum said you’d be done in an hour and you look at the time:

The lies.
11. When your mother leaves your hand in a crowd and you can’t find her again.

Hay God!
12. You, after making your 4th trip to the car to drop off what she bought.

I just can’t.
13. Your hand, after you spend the whole day carrying her bag:

The struggle.
14. When you finally leave the market smelling like stockfish.

UGH!
1. When she woke Tiwa by 5:30am to tell her what the Holy Spirit said.

Holy Spirit has now turned into gym instructor.
2. When she showed that she had mastered the art of guilt-tripping.

Nigerian mothers are the travel agents for guilt trips.
3. When she had the perfect response to Tiwa’s extreme dieting.
Nigerian mothers basically invented sarcasm.
4. When she flawlessly transitioned from dragging Tiwa to dragging Shalewa.

“You sef… How many men have you brought into this house?”
5. When she sent Shalewa to clean the kitchen with the ultimate Nigerian mother threat.

No Nigerian child has ever heard the end of this threat. Can’t risk it.
6. When she didn’t try to hide how she felt about Tiwa’s first love.

OUCH!
7. When she turned up in every Nigerian mother’s Owambe uniform:

SLAY!!!
8. When she was very clear about what she wanted for her birthday.

No time, abeg.
9. Nigerian mothers and “I had a dream.”

Oshey, Josephine the dreamer.
10. Her priceless reaction to Shalewa’s boyfriend buying her a car.

See the reach.
11. When she said every Nigerian child’s worst nightmare:

When you hear this, you know it’s all over.
12. When she spent this entire visit shouting and gossiping about church members.

Nigerian mothers forget gossiping is a sin when their friends appear.
13. When she prayed for her daughters even when she was angry with them.

How Nigerian mothers show love.
And if you’re not already watching Skinny Girl In Transit, just start here and go down the rabbit hole of greatness:
1. When you read with all your power and still get a B minus.

The struggle.
2. Your answer, whenever someone asks you “how was your paper?”

Can’t say more than that abeg.
3. When you hear the class efikos discussing the answers they got after a test.

Can you people let it go?
4. When you get handed your script like this and you already know you banged.

Hay God!
5. When you get 5/20 in a test but you’re still one of the highest in class.

Winning!
6. When the whole class fails but you’re just glad that:

The class that fails together stays together.
7. You, during every speech and prize giving day:

You sha know nobody is calling your name.
8. When your friend asks you to explain a topic but you only understand enough to not fail.

Uhm…
9. How people look at you when you ask for extra sheet before the class efiko:

Who is this one?
10. When the class olodo is hiding their work from you during a test.

See my life.
11. When people are discussing grades and you just want to know if you were promoted or not.

No time, abeg.
12. That your friend that always says they are going to fail and their result comes and you see an A.

You’ll now be struggling with a C.
13. When you check your result and you didn’t get an F but then you remember you didn’t get an A either.

Well, small miracles.
1. You will not be told you’re travelling until the last minute.

I can’t have plans, abi?
2. They will wait till the tickets are at their most expensive before booking.

Then spend forever complaining.
3. You must not tell ANYBODY that you’re travelling.

Especially your relatives.
4. You become their house-help the night before the flight.

You will pack for Africa.
5. Their whole suitcase is for them. Half of your suitcase is also for them.

“My bag is full, help me put this thing in your bag.”
6. You are going to carry more food than clothes.

Especially stockfish.
7. Half of the things they’re making you pack are not even for your family.

Relatives and friends have hand inside that luggage.
8. They will make you dress like you’re going for a party.

Can I just wear shorts and be great?
9. You must go to the airport at least 4 hours before the departure time.

You will be at the airport longer than the plane sef.
10. They’re not paying anyone at the airport to help with all the bags, that’s why you are there.

Oya, carry them.
11. Excess luggage is their right and their’s alone.

Don’t even think of carrying extra unless you have the money.
12. You become the parent to all your other siblings.

STRESS!
13. They must start gisting with the first Nigerian family they meet there.

Ugh!
1. When they tell you to dress up and you say you don’t want to go.

Better go and wear cloth.
2. You, waiting for you parents to now get ready:

Hian! On top party I don’t even want to attend.
3. When you go 3 hours late and you’re still the first family to arrive.

What the hell?
4. When the only people there are your parents’ friends, so you just sit in a corner like:

Why am I even here?
5. When they make you greet every single adult there.

See assignment.
6. The food they give you vs. The food they give them:

Is it fair?
7. “You better eat now, because I’m not cooking when we get home.”

Can’t come and carry last.
8. The only part of the party you looked forward to:

YES LORD!
9. Your parents, when they are spraying money vs. Your parents, when you ask them for money:

Na wa for una.
10. When your parents force you to stand up and dance.

Ugh! Am I the entertainment?
11. How your dancing intensifies when adults start spraying you money:

Shake it for the cash.
12. When they start using you to brag:

Uhm. Actually…
13. When they pack leftovers from the party and make you carry them.

Hay God!
14. When they say “we are going home” but they already said that 2 hours ago.

CAN WE GO?
1. “You look familiar.”

The Nigerian pick-up line as old as our independence.
2. “I only want to get to know you.”

He actually means “know” in the biblical sense.
3. “I just want us to be friends.”

The screensaver lie. He is still planning you.
4. “I’m single.”

Single = Less than 3 women.
5. “I have a girlfriend but we are having issues.”

He is the “issue”.
6. “I’m going to leave her for you.”

Don’t hold your breath.
7. “You’re the only girl I’m talking to.”

You’re not even the only girl he is talking to that second.
8. “She is just a friend.”

Yeah, they’ve been “friends” for 5 years and they have 2 children.
9. “I’m ignoring other girls because of you.”

Na so.
10. “I’ve never met anyone like you before.”

Save it.
11. “I’m not like other guys.”

He means he is worse.
12. “I’d never cheat on you.”

He actually means he’ll never get caught.
13. “I don’t play games.”

He will now turn you to PlayStation.
14. “I love you.”

After just 5 minutes of meeting you. Oshey, Disney Prince.
15. “I’m ready for marriage.”

You’ll now end up engaged for 10 years.
1. “Everybody in class failed.”

“I was one of the highest in class sef.”
2. “That teacher just hates me.”

“Ehn. That’s why he failed me.”
3. “Results aren’t out yet.”

Please God, don’t let them call and ask.
4. “The school said we should pay for…”

See free money.
5. “I don’t have a girlfriend/boyfriend.”

Relationship? What is that sef?
6. “I’ve already finished my assignment.”

I actually mean I will do it in school.
7. “They didn’t give us homework”

I’m free.
8. “I’ve finished reading.”

…finished reading the first page.
9. “They didn’t have change.”

*folds money inside pocket*
10. “Yes, I went to church.”

“The message was very powerful.”
11. “I didn’t take the meat from the pot.”

*cleans stew from mouth*
12. “I didn’t see your call.”

“Are you sure it went through?”
13. “I’m not the one that broke it.”

Don’t look at me.
1. The one about Nigerian fathers

Every. Nigerian. Father.
2. The one about Nigerian mothers

Sorry ma!
3. The one about watching TV with your parents

Hay God!
4. This picture of fear

Just disappear.
5. This catering menu

They did not born you well to misspell Jollof rice.
6. The one about side chicks

Real friends.
7. The one about Buhari

Well…
8. The one about GEJ

At least he is trying.
9. The one about our exchange rate

The pain.
10. The one about a child’s ticket

You can’t argue with that.
11. This gym

This is the most Nigerian thing ever.
12. The one about church

Every Nigerian mother.
13. The typical Nigerian aunty

Amebo is in their blood.
14. This architect that has a lot of explaining to do

Maybe they did not pay him his balance.
15. The one about washing dishes

Unless you will help me wash it just save it, biko.
16. The real use of the head

Is it a lie though?
17. The one about finding love

You want to kill your mother?
18. This unofficial reason all Nigerian parents have children

The worst.
19. This serious prayer point

Oya, start praying.
I sha knew I was special when people used to laugh when I spoke…

…abi tried to speak.
My sister would do everything to annoy me at home.

She was the devil.
Whenever it was now time to report her, I would basically turn into a DJ.

Kai! My life!
Me in school, avoiding being asked to answer questions or read out loud.

Forever dodging, but still passing.
It sha worked until my primary 3 teacher assumed passing in class meant I could do debate.

What’s doing this teacher?
Oya debate day, time to introduce myself and trust me to get stuck on my own name.

Ti-Ti-Ti-Ti-Titilope
Everyone sha had a good laugh, me sef I laughed because…

Abi?
Me, looking for a new word mid-sentence because I know that word I’m attempting is not coming out.

The struggle.
How people react when I jump from one unrelated word to another:

No vex, English teacher.
Whenever I stop talking halfway and someone tries to complete my sentence for me.

Abeg hold it.
Me, trying to express myself when I get angry.

The struggle to get the words out
Then I had that aunty who would always tell me to “talk slowly” as if that was all it took.

Like seriously?
Whenever I hear a Nigerian comedian cracking a joke about stammerers.

Ya not funny oh!!!
Whenever I meet someone who prefers talking on the phone to texting.

Enemy of progress!
When my sister now said I should be enrolled in a school for special kids.

I already told you she was the devil.
Whenever I misbehaved at home and my parents asked me to explain myself.

Just punish me abeg.
The one that sha pained me the most was when my crush finally said “hello”

Finally!
My throat now decided that I must stay single and I was just there like “he..he..he..”

God! Why me?
See my crush looking at me like:

“Is this one ok?”
I’ve sha learnt to accept the stammerer life like that, proudly sef.

Stammerers unite!
Because me I know in heaven my voice will be free…

Praise The Lord!
Free to finally report that it was Sade who closed the window in primary 2, not me.

Yup! I’m petty like that. Co-written by Zikoko contributor @DelphiicOracle.
1. To wash that pot on the stove.

Oh God! It’s too black na.
2. To come and pass them the remote.

Hian! It’s right beside you.
3. To ‘do their Whatsapp’ for them.

and add
4. To take out the meat from the freezer.

https://twitter.com/slimTONYY/status/380335919284244480

5. To go and help them buy recharge card.

The stress.
6. To give them something to brag about in public.

They will still shout on you at home sha.
7. To open their email.

Even though you’ve showed them how to do it a million times.
8. To go and find their brown shoe in the Ghana-must-go bag.

Hay God!
9. To help them with their phone.

Am I computer village?
10. To wake them up when they fall asleep watching news.

Even thought they will say they are not sleeping.
11. To help them type that text they want to send.

All. The. Time.
12. To “go and open the gate”.

See me doing gateman work.
13. To make sure the house is clean before they get home.

The worst!
14. To drive them up and down.

See my life.
15. To help them “browse the internet”.

…and by internet they mean Facebook.

1. You, when your mother says you’re going to the market with her.

2. How she holds her purse when she is walking through the market:

3. When she passes the first shop selling it N500 and walks 30 minutes to buy it for N490 from her customer.

4. When she starts pricing and you actually feel like she is cheating the seller.

5. You, after she successfully prices from N2000 down to N200.

6. When your mother that said she just wanted to buy meat is now pricing lace.

7. When people are still grabbing and shouting at you with your mother right there.

8. You, constantly trying to keep up with how fast she is walking:

9. When she sees one of her friends and they just stand there gisting.

10. When your mum said you’d be done in an hour and you look at the time:

11. When your mother leaves your hand in a crowd and you can’t find her again.

12. You, after making your 4th trip to the car to drop off what she bought.

13. Your hand, after you spend the whole day carrying her bag:

14. When you finally leave the market smelling like stockfish.

1. When she woke Tiwa by 5:30am to tell her what the Holy Spirit said.

2. When she showed that she had mastered the art of guilt-tripping.

3. When she had the perfect response to Tiwa’s extreme dieting.

4. When she flawlessly transitioned from dragging Tiwa to dragging Shalewa.

5. When she sent Shalewa to clean the kitchen with the ultimate Nigerian mother threat.

6. When she didn’t try to hide how she felt about Tiwa’s first love.

7. When she turned up in every Nigerian mother’s Owambe uniform:

8. When she was very clear about what she wanted for her birthday.

9. Nigerian mothers and “I had a dream.”

10. Her priceless reaction to Shalewa’s boyfriend buying her a car.

11. When she said every Nigerian child’s worst nightmare:

12. When she spent this entire visit shouting and gossiping about church members.

13. When she prayed for her daughters even when she was angry with them.

And if you’re not already watching Skinny Girl In Transit, just start here and go down the rabbit hole of greatness:

1. When you read with all your power and still get a B minus.

2. Your answer, whenever someone asks you “how was your paper?”

3. When you hear the class efikos discussing the answers they got after a test.

4. When you get handed your script like this and you already know you banged.

5. When you get 5/20 in a test but you’re still one of the highest in class.

6. When the whole class fails but you’re just glad that:

7. You, during every speech and prize giving day:

8. When your friend asks you to explain a topic but you only understand enough to not fail.

9. How people look at you when you ask for extra sheet before the class efiko:

10. When the class olodo is hiding their work from you during a test.

11. When people are discussing grades and you just want to know if you were promoted or not.

12. That your friend that always says they are going to fail and their result comes and you see an A.

13. When you check your result and you didn’t get an F but then you remember you didn’t get an A either.

1. You will not be told you’re travelling until the last minute.

2. They will wait till the tickets are at their most expensive before booking.

3. You must not tell ANYBODY that you’re travelling.

4. You become their house-help the night before the flight.

5. Their whole suitcase is for them. Half of your suitcase is also for them.

6. You are going to carry more food than clothes.

7. Half of the things they’re making you pack are not even for your family.

8. They will make you dress like you’re going for a party.

9. You must go to the airport at least 4 hours before the departure time.

10. They’re not paying anyone at the airport to help with all the bags, that’s why you are there.

11. Excess luggage is their right and their’s alone.

12. You become the parent to all your other siblings.

13. They must start gisting with the first Nigerian family they meet there.

1. When they tell you to dress up and you say you don’t want to go.

2. You, waiting for you parents to now get ready:

3. When you go 3 hours late and you’re still the first family to arrive.

4. When the only people there are your parents’ friends, so you just sit in a corner like:

5. When they make you greet every single adult there.

6. The food they give you vs. The food they give them:

7. “You better eat now, because I’m not cooking when we get home.”

8. The only part of the party you looked forward to:

9. Your parents, when they are spraying money vs. Your parents, when you ask them for money:

10. When your parents force you to stand up and dance.

11. How your dancing intensifies when adults start spraying you money:

12. When they start using you to brag:

13. When they pack leftovers from the party and make you carry them.

14. When they say “we are going home” but they already said that 2 hours ago.

1. “You look familiar.”

2. “I only want to get to know you.”

3. “I just want us to be friends.”

4. “I’m single.”

5. “I have a girlfriend but we are having issues.”

6. “I’m going to leave her for you.”

7. “You’re the only girl I’m talking to.”

8. “She is just a friend.”

9. “I’m ignoring other girls because of you.”

10. “I’ve never met anyone like you before.”

11. “I’m not like other guys.”

12. “I’d never cheat on you.”