african | Page 2 of 5

Here’s a simple guide on how to be the kind of Nigerian husband society expects you to be. From being an unshakeable rock to respectfully cheating on your wife, these ridiculous tips will work for you.

1. You must be ready-made before you even glance at your wife-to-be.

Nobody wants to ‘grow’ with you, better go and sort yourself out.

2. If you are having financial issues, keep it to yourself.

If it is to steal so your wife doesn’t know there are financial issues, then do it.

3. You must be a rock at all times. What are emotions sef?

Cry? Be sad? God forbid. You are a man. Swallow your feelings and just exist.

4. All your wife’s relatives are now your responsibility.

From the ones in the city to the ones in the village, it is now your work to feed them.

5. You are not allowed to ever lose your job or get demoted.

You can never have any problems at work and even if you do, just keep it yourself.

6. If your wife earns more than you, you have officially failed as a man.

Why should she be making more than you? It doesn’t matter whether her job is better, you should just make more.

7. You are financially responsible for EVERYTHING in the house.

Your wife’s income does not matter. Open your wallet.

8. It’s not your business to know the price of anything.

Just drop the money and go.

9. “Help” your wife around the house once every three months.

Remember it’s her work. You’re just assisting.

10. Open Day and PTA meetings don’t concern you. That’s what your wife is for.

Your work is to pay for school fees. What the children do after that is not your concern.

11. Cheat on your wife, but respect her enough to hide it.

That’s true love right there.

12. Providing for your children is the only relationship you need to have with them.

That’s all that matters.
Here’s a detailed guide on how to educate your future children about sex like your Nigerian parents did. From ignoring the existence of sex altogether to making them too scared to bring it up, this should ensure your child learns everything they need to know from porn.

1. NEVER directly talk about sex with your children.

If they’ve never heard about sex, it’s only logical that they will never have it? Abi? Simpu!

2. Make sure they are so uncomfortable around you that they never bring up sex.

This is not a Hollywood film. You and your children are not friends.

3. If that doesn’t work and they start asking too many questions, just give them this look:

This ‘Nigerian mother face’ will stop them dead in their tracks.

4. Repeatedly warn them about the dangers of any kind of interaction with the opposite sex.

They shouldn’t even breathe near them.

5. Just assume every member of the opposite sex they talk to is their boyfriend or girlfriend.

We all know men and women can never JUST be friends.

6. Ban them from going out until they are old, then constantly ask why they are still single.

You know they can never have sex if they are ALWAYS at home.

7. Always remind your daughter that if a man touches her, she will get pregnant.

Also remind her that if she gets pregnant she will die.

8. Make sure your son knows that if he gets a girl pregnant, his only option is to marry her.

Remind him every other day.

9. Leave any and all forms of actual ‘sex education’ to their biology teacher.

Why else are you now paying school fees?

10. You should always remind them to ‘face their book’ and nothing else.

They cannot be facing book and having sex at the same time. It’s scientifically impossible.

11. Whenever a sex scene comes up in a movie, remember to shout at them.

That way your children know that human contact is of the devil.

12. Never talk to them about safe sex, before they think they are allowed to have sex.

Safe sex is for people having sex abi? So, why should they know about it?

13. Wait till they have moved out and are gainfully employed before finally having the sex talk.

If you can wait till their wedding night sef, it’s even better.
Here’s a simple guide on how to be the kind of wife Nigerian men seem to want. From never questioning him, to allowing him to cheat as much as he wants, these impossible tips will work for you.

1. Thank him every day for ‘saving’ you from the clutches of spinsterhood.

You know marriage is EVERY woman’s goal.

2. Marry as a virgin, but be a freak in the sheets on your wedding night.

Just instinctively know how to do everything in the bedroom.

3. Remember to never ask questions, challenge him or disagree.

He is always right. Just leave it.

4. Lose that pregnancy weight right there on the delivery table.

Back to a size 8 immediately.

5. Never fall sick, complain or get tired.

Basically be superwoman.

6. Have a washing machine, but still lovingly handwash his underwear.

That’s true love right there.

7. Always wake up before him, so you can do “one or two things” around the house.

As a woman why should ur guy wake up before you? When its not like ur ill or pregnant? U should be doing 1 or 2 things b4 he wakes up!!!!
— olokoba muhammed (@bashidodo) May 21, 2015

Why should your husband wake up before you?

8. Get a well-paying job, but make sure you never earn more than him.

If they offer you a pay raise, turn it down.

9. Make sure that job doesn’t stop you from taking the kids to school, picking them, and helping with their homework.

So, basically a 10 – 2 job. Don’t ask questions, just find it.

10. Never cheat on your husband, but forgive him if he ever ‘accidentally’ cheats on you.

You know men will be men.

11. Also remember to apologize when he cheats, because it was most likely your fault.

If you were being the perfect wife he wouldn’t have fallen inside another woman. Oya say sorry.

12. Figure out how to always have a hot meal waiting on the table before you get home.

Just figure it out.

13. Throw away that microwave, the food must always be freshly made.

What are you warming?

14. Remember to always praise your husband whenever he does anything around the house.

Remember it’s your work, he is just helping.

15. Look like a supermodel while doing house chores.

Don’t ever tie a wrapper in front of him. Do everything in heels.

16. But never be indecently dressed in public or else:

You know the drill.
Fam! We’re not sure you can handle this! It’s the Carter Push Party yo!

The Queen Bey aka Mummy Blue aka Iyawo Jay aka soon-to-be Iya I-Bey-Ji, had her push party (which is also known as a baby shower) during the weekend but it was no ordinary baby shower.

The entire thing looked like she was paying homage to Yeye Osun.

Daz right…Ah mean, just look at…
African print full everywhere:

The music was our very own Fela…

https://www.instagram.com/p/BUVPft1B8bU/?taken-by=mstinalawson

And let’s not even forget the dressing sef…

Just see.
Bey herself went all out.

Complete with henna tattooed belle, gele and shigidi on the wrists…

See how Uncle Jay is looking like one Yoruba demon.
At the rate she’s going though, we won’t be surprised if by the time the twins drop she decides to name them Taiye and Kehinde.

And now here’s a brief flashback to that time The Queen slayed in these stunning pregnancy photos:
https://zikoko.com/list/beyonce-is-serving-some-serious-pregnancy-slay-in-these-stunning-pictures/
1. The Raging Alcoholic

Everyone knows that there is always alcohol at parties and that people get drunk. That’s the way parties work but there is always that one person that overdoes it with the drinking, gets insanely drunk and eventually starts causing wahala. That is the Raging Alcoholic. He will get drunk, cause trouble and will eventually get thrown out. If you’ve never seen a Raging Alcoholic then chances are YOU are the Raging Alcoholic. Go and get help biko.
2. The Professional DJ

This person is NOT a professional DJ. This person just thinks that their taste in music is so awesome that they should decide the music everybody at the party dances to. This person does this by disturbing the actual DJ and making song requests like they’re a 6 year old at a children’s party. The annoying thing is that this person, 100% of the time, has a terrible taste in music. This person usually doesn’t get thrown out but if YOU do throw them out, everyone will thank you.
3. The Obvious Introvert

The fact that people are at parties shows that they are at least trying to socialize. The Obvious Introvert however will not even try. You’ll see them sitting in a corner looking uncomfortable or scrolling on their phone. Half the time they’re not even drinking! Like, WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE?!
4. The Obvious Extrovert

This is that person that’ll just show up to the party and start making noise. They’ll grab the first drink they see (even if it’s in someone else’s hands) and start greeting everybody by hugging or violently shaking hands like they’re trying to remove people’s wrists. We know you’re sociable and outgoing. You don’t have to prove it to everybody. Calm down abeg.
5. The Idiot that keeps trying to get everybody to play ‘Devil’s Basket’.

No one wants to do this! Do you think this is secondary school? GTFO!
6. The Trained Dancer

This one will just enter dance floor and start dancing like they’re fighting kung-fu. If you stand too close to them when they start, you will injure.
7. That one person that refuses to leave when the party is over.

This person might low-key be homeless and is probably just looking for a place to crash. Then again if you decide to be a good Samaritan and let him spend the night, there’s a chance he’ll steal everything you own before morning so it’s probably best if you just throw him out.
If you enjoyed reading this (which of course you did) read this next article about 17 things you’ll immediately recognize if you’ve been to a Nigerian house party.

17 Things That Are Too Real For Anyone Who Has Ever Attended A House Party In Nigeria
1. “If i hear peem”

“One word must not come out of your mouth”
2. “If you move your hand, i’ll add more”

Ultimate form of torture.
3. “Oya, hold your lips like this”

“I dont even want to hear you breathe”.
4. “Stand on that tile and don’t move an inch”

You’ll be doing gymnastics over cane.
5. “Don’t beg me, it’ll only make it worse”

Dun cry dun beg, issallova.
6. “If I let my hand touch you, you’ll see heaven”

“Just jejely take the cane and go”.
7. I didn’t kill my mother so you won’t kill me

“I’ll kill you before you kill me”.
8. “Did you just raise your hand to block me? You want to box me”

“You want to assassinate your father ba?”.
1. Funmilayo Ransome-Kuti: Lioness of Lisabi.

You know her as mother of the great Fela, but she was much more than that. A great advocate for women’s rights, Kuti led more than 10,000 women in a protest against native authorities at the palace of the Alake of Egbaland in 1949, causing him to relinquish his crown for a bit.
2. Yaa Asantewaa: Queen Mother of Ashante Kingdom.

Born in 1840, Yaa Asantewaa became famous for leading the Ashanti rebellion against British colonialism to defend the Golden stool- a symbol of the Asante Kingdom- from Frederick Hodgson, then Governor-General of The Gold Coast.
3. Queen Aminatu: Warrior of Zazzau.

Born around 1533 in Zazzau (now Zaria), Amina was a fearsome warrior with a great army and empire. Her story inspires the fantasy series: Xena, The Warrior Princess.
4. Moremi Ajasoro: Olori of Ile-Ife.

Married to King Oranmiyan, this brave queen risked her life by going undercover to learn the secrets of the tribe terrorizing her people.
5. Ana de Sousa Nzinga Mbande: Ngola of Ndongo

Some say she was a queen, others believe she was a ruthless ‘king’! At the turn of the 17th century, Nzinga fearlessly and cleverly fought for the freedom of her kingdom from the Portuguese, who were colonizing the area now known as Angola.
6. Winnie Madikizela-Mandela

Born 1936, South Africa’s first black professional social welfare worker chose to struggle for equality and justice for all people in South Africa. After her marriage to Nelson Mandela in 1958, she suffered harassment, imprisonment, and periodic banishment for her continuing involvement in the struggle against apartheid.
7. Flora Nwapa: Mother of modern African literature.

Born 1934, Nwapa’s ‘Efuru’ was the first book written by a Nigerian woman. Flora unarguably paved the way for a generation of African women writers. ‘Efuru’ (1966), is based on an old folktale of a woman chosen by the gods.
8. Chioma Ajunwa-Opara, MON.

Chioma was the first West African woman, as well as the first Nigerian, to win an Olympic gold medal in a track and field event when she emerged victorious in the women’s long jump event at the 1996 Olympics in Atlanta.
9. Margaret Ekpo: Political activist.

Born in Cross River in 1914, Ekpo was among the first wave of Nigerian women in politics. She was known for attending political rallies, and unionizing women to fight for their rights.
10. Miriam Makeba: Mama Africa.

Widely known for her incredible voice and music, Makeba was also a political activist. In 1963 she testified against apartheid before the United Nations. As a result the South African government revoked her citizenship and right of return. She stayed in America and married Stokely Carmichael, a Black Panther leader.
This is post is brought to you by MAGGI @ 50:

The big idea for the MAGGI 50th anniversary campaign is: Let’s Celebrate. We intend to do this primarily by sending gift boxes containing specially curated ingredients and gifts to women influencers pan Nigeria & beyond for trusting MAGGI in the past years, and in the future ahead. Click the link below to learn more.
1. When they see you with food.

“Ehen I just wanted to quickly come and see you oh. Abeg chop remain!”
2. How they view your money:

3. Their favourite word:

As if that’s the only word they know how to say! Ahn ahn!
4. When you see them coming you’re like:

Wahala is coming!
5. But when you need something from them, they’re like:

“I really wish I could help you but the Lord is your strength sha. Babe ehen how far that dress you said you will borrow me this weekend?”
6. When you ask them to pay back/return something they borrowed:

Always next week. Never today.
7. You get so used to their nonsense behaviour, you start buying two of everything so you can hear word.

Can you imagine?
8. How you beg them to stop begging you:

Begging inception!
9. When they find someone else to disturb and you can now have peace of mind.

“Bye bye to bad market!”
10. When you finish reading this post and realise that you are actually the beggy-beggy friend

HAYYYYYYY is this my life?
1. Whenever you remember you owe someone money.

So this is what it is to be an onigbese!
2. You, trying to figure out what exactly you did with the money you borrowed.

Because you have nothing to show for all the money you borrowed.
3. When you realise you have to find money to pay back your creditor…

HAYYY! Very what? Very Good!
4. And another money to do what you initially borrowed money for.

This life is just a pot of beans sha!
5. When you see the person you owe money at a party or social event.

“So you have money to sew aso ebi but you don’t have my money abi?”
6. When you read up on how debt is a normal part of society and even wealthy men have debt.

Ehen, even Dangote has debt abeg nobody should stress me!
7. Then you remember all fingers are not equal and you better find your level.

Because Dangote pays his own debt sha.
8. When you are now stuck in the cycle of borrowing from Peter to pay Paul.

Which kind of life is this?
9. When you have to choose between buying something you need and paying your creditor back.

Actually eating this week is not compulsory sha. Let me just pay back this money.
10. How you see your creditors coming after you in your dreams:

Is it that deep? Ahn ahn!
11. When you see missed calls from your creditor.

Ah! I don’t have your money oh better save your credit and be calling people that have.
12. When your creditor calls you and you pick up by mistake.

“I can’t hear you please the network here is just too bad!”
13. When you want to post yourself having fun on social media then you remember your creditor.

Before they will say you are enjoying life with their money oh!
14. You catching your subs on social media from your creditor.

“Na wa oh, is it me that this one is calling useless onigbese with no shame?”
15. When the pastor asks those in church with financial needs to come out you’re like:

“My money miracle will not pass me by!”
16. When people are talking about terrible debtors and you have to hold yourself back from defending yourself.

“But we are actually good people!”
17. When you finally pay back the money you owe.

Free at last!
1. You, waiting for your mother to bring you breakfast in bed.

If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
2. When you try and eat breakfast without doing your chores first.

When it’s not that you’re mad.
3. Your face, when you manage to eat breakfast before 1pm:

Ah! See miracle.
4. When you ask for breakfast and your mother starts warming rice.

Is it every time, rice?
5. When you hear a hawker chanting “AGEGE BREAD” outside.

Can’t carry last.
6. When your mother uses one teabag to make tea for everyone in the house.

Hay God!
7. The Nigerian breakfast sandwich starter pack:

The absolute best.
8. What every Nigerian grew up calling “tea”:

It’s sha still tea to me. Go and teach English to someone else.
9. When your mother makes you eat the dinner you didn’t finish from last night.

Mummy, yesterday has gone na.
10. You and your siblings, dodging that first and last slice of bread like:

Can they just stop putting it in the pack at all?
11. The unofficial Saturday breakfast:

Akara is forever bae.
12. The unofficial Sunday breakfast:

You know it’s true.
13. Every Nigerian’s favourite breakfast:

Only happens when your mum is in a great mood.

1. You must be ready-made before you even glance at your wife-to-be.

2. If you are having financial issues, keep it to yourself.

3. You must be a rock at all times. What are emotions sef?

4. All your wife’s relatives are now your responsibility.

5. You are not allowed to ever lose your job or get demoted.

6. If your wife earns more than you, you have officially failed as a man.

7. You are financially responsible for EVERYTHING in the house.

8. It’s not your business to know the price of anything.

9. “Help” your wife around the house once every three months.

10. Open Day and PTA meetings don’t concern you. That’s what your wife is for.

11. Cheat on your wife, but respect her enough to hide it.

12. Providing for your children is the only relationship you need to have with them.

1. NEVER directly talk about sex with your children.

2. Make sure they are so uncomfortable around you that they never bring up sex.

3. If that doesn’t work and they start asking too many questions, just give them this look:

4. Repeatedly warn them about the dangers of any kind of interaction with the opposite sex.

5. Just assume every member of the opposite sex they talk to is their boyfriend or girlfriend.

6. Ban them from going out until they are old, then constantly ask why they are still single.

7. Always remind your daughter that if a man touches her, she will get pregnant.

8. Make sure your son knows that if he gets a girl pregnant, his only option is to marry her.

9. Leave any and all forms of actual ‘sex education’ to their biology teacher.

10. You should always remind them to ‘face their book’ and nothing else.

11. Whenever a sex scene comes up in a movie, remember to shout at them.

12. Never talk to them about safe sex, before they think they are allowed to have sex.

13. Wait till they have moved out and are gainfully employed before finally having the sex talk.

1. Thank him every day for ‘saving’ you from the clutches of spinsterhood.

2. Marry as a virgin, but be a freak in the sheets on your wedding night.

3. Remember to never ask questions, challenge him or disagree.

4. Lose that pregnancy weight right there on the delivery table.

5. Never fall sick, complain or get tired.

6. Have a washing machine, but still lovingly handwash his underwear.

7. Always wake up before him, so you can do “one or two things” around the house.

8. Get a well-paying job, but make sure you never earn more than him.

9. Make sure that job doesn’t stop you from taking the kids to school, picking them, and helping with their homework.

10. Never cheat on your husband, but forgive him if he ever ‘accidentally’ cheats on you.

11. Also remember to apologize when he cheats, because it was most likely your fault.

12. Figure out how to always have a hot meal waiting on the table before you get home.

13. Throw away that microwave, the food must always be freshly made.

14. Remember to always praise your husband whenever he does anything around the house.

15. Look like a supermodel while doing house chores.

16. But never be indecently dressed in public or else:

Fam! We’re not sure you can handle this! It’s the Carter Push Party yo!

The Queen Bey aka Mummy Blue aka Iyawo Jay aka soon-to-be Iya I-Bey-Ji, had her push party (which is also known as a baby shower) during the weekend but it was no ordinary baby shower.

The entire thing looked like she was paying homage to Yeye Osun.

African print full everywhere:

The music was our very own Fela…

And let’s not even forget the dressing sef…

Bey herself went all out.

Complete with henna tattooed belle, gele and shigidi on the wrists…

At the rate she’s going though, we won’t be surprised if by the time the twins drop she decides to name them Taiye and Kehinde.

And now here’s a brief flashback to that time The Queen slayed in these stunning pregnancy photos:

1. The Raging Alcoholic

2. The Professional DJ

3. The Obvious Introvert

4. The Obvious Extrovert

5. The Idiot that keeps trying to get everybody to play ‘Devil’s Basket’.

6. The Trained Dancer

7. That one person that refuses to leave when the party is over.

If you enjoyed reading this (which of course you did) read this next article about 17 things you’ll immediately recognize if you’ve been to a Nigerian house party.

1. “If i hear peem”

2. “If you move your hand, i’ll add more”

3. “Oya, hold your lips like this”

4. “Stand on that tile and don’t move an inch”

5. “Don’t beg me, it’ll only make it worse”

6. “If I let my hand touch you, you’ll see heaven”

7. I didn’t kill my mother so you won’t kill me

8. “Did you just raise your hand to block me? You want to box me”

1. Funmilayo Ransome-Kuti: Lioness of Lisabi.

2. Yaa Asantewaa: Queen Mother of Ashante Kingdom.

3. Queen Aminatu: Warrior of Zazzau.

4. Moremi Ajasoro: Olori of Ile-Ife.

5. Ana de Sousa Nzinga Mbande: Ngola of Ndongo

6. Winnie Madikizela-Mandela

7. Flora Nwapa: Mother of modern African literature.

8. Chioma Ajunwa-Opara, MON.

9. Margaret Ekpo: Political activist.

10. Miriam Makeba: Mama Africa.

This is post is brought to you by MAGGI @ 50:

1. When they see you with food.

2. How they view your money: